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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
FatOldBag · 01/02/2017 23:21

however we are just unhappy to do so to the point that our lives and most importantly our children's lives are uprooted so much! It's all about putting the children first
So basically you want to support his eldest child, but only insofar as it doesn't affect your home, lifestyle, time, finances, jobs or existing children very much? And you'd like his younger 2 children to come first, as they're more important (to you) than the older one?

Having another child will significantly affect all aspects of your life. I think you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment and resentment if you're convinced you can avoid this tbh.

pimmsy · 01/02/2017 23:23

OP, Why refer to the child's mother as a "girl" and not a "woman"? Seems quite patronizing!

Sunbeam18 · 01/02/2017 23:23

What's this rubbish about being unable to put the father's name on the birth certificate if you are not married?? We are not married but both of our names are on our son's birth certificate.

kilmuir · 01/02/2017 23:23

The DH hasn't got away with not paying to area the child as he never even knew she existed!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 01/02/2017 23:24

You can't put the name on there unless he is with you unless you are married to him.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2017 23:24

What's this rubbish about being unable to put the father's name on the birth certificate if you are not married?? We are not married but both of our names are on our son's birth certificate.

The father has to be there to give his consent if the parents are not married.

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 23:25

What's this rubbish about being unable to put the father's name on the birth certificate if you are not married?? We are not married but both of our names are on our son's birth certificate

Your partner attended to register the birth and sign the register himself?

That said, I do think there was a change in law some years back so it might depend on your child's age.

Google it rather than assume we know nothing.

anklebitersmum · 01/02/2017 23:26

Sunbeam If the father is not present at the registration then the mother can not just add him to the certificate unless they are married.

So if Dad didn't know or just didn't turn up he won't be on the certificate and hence will have no PR.

MidniteScribbler · 01/02/2017 23:27

It's all about putting the children first

As long as it is your biological children though? You don't mind playing happy families unless it affects your climbing frame?

ginswinger · 01/02/2017 23:27

To be frank, you sound very angry. Why not calm down a bit before you make any more posts and have a chat with the child and his mum. Get this relationship off on the right foot and you'll probably have more success long term than insisting on DNA tests. I do appreciate this is unsettling but please do calm yourself down before you assume the worst.

MsPavlichenko · 01/02/2017 23:28

You know nothing about either mother or child other than what you have concocted after some FB stalkery. You have no clue as to why she contacted you and how she did so.

I also don't get the "We" stuff about how you see contact etc going forward. If it does that will be up to the Mum, and Dad, and in the best interests of the child. Of course your DH will discuss it with you, and in the longer term your hopes for family time may well work out. But, it is up to them, as the parents to sort out. In terms of finances, he will have to support his DC, as he would have if he had known before. That's a consequence of unprotected sex. You may have had your DC responsibly. Your DH, well he has not.

Revealall · 01/02/2017 23:30

A couple of points.

It may have been a one night stand but she knew him well enough to track him down 8 years later. I've had plenty of one night stands ( in my youth) most of which I'd only know on a first name basis and would certainly struggle to remember 2 months on when I did. PG test.
Secondly I wonder if telling you is because she feels he'd back out unless everyone knew. And my guess is that if she can track your DH 8 years on I bet she could have done it when she first found out. So the question is why didn't she. I'm surprised because being a truly single mum is a scary prospect if you didn't plan for it.
Thirdly why do all the passive aggressive I hate the mum but not the child shit. Be honest. You weren't expecting it. You don't have to play happy families. You can be kind to the child and just let the child see it's father and siblings if it can even be bothered. Said child has it's own family that I expect it's quite happy with.

Want2bSupermum · 01/02/2017 23:30

minipie that is a great analogy. Your DH has an unexpected DC. It is a huge shock and agree it is very unfair this was dumped on you and your in-laws while he was away.

Sometimes life sucks and things happen that we didn't intend to happen. Being an adult means we take responsibility for our actions. Your DH had a ONS 8 years ago. He has a responsibility to confirm if he is the parent of this child and, if so, support that child.

I empathize with you regarding your comments about moving to bigger home and the climbing frame. Just think about how hollow it would feel to have that bigger home and not support a child that is a half-sibling of your DC with your DH. Integrity is priceless.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2017 23:31

Why not calm down a bit before you make any more posts and have a chat with the child and his mum. Get this relationship off on the right foot

Good advice.

You can't change this so prioritise the relationship, get it as right as you can for all three children and take the rest as it comes.

Sunbeam18 · 01/02/2017 23:31

Apologies, my mistake

ladylambkin · 01/02/2017 23:31

As previous posters have said CMS will not backdate the claim they set the effective date once an application has been made. Your children will be taken into consideration and your husband will be given a reduction as he has other children to support. CMS can take up to 40% of paying parent income via Deduction from Earnings Order, however this would only be in a case where the paying parent was non compliant and had built up arrears through non payment. Just wanted to put your mind at ease about that.

Hope you manage to sort something out that benefits the child and is agreeable for all parties involved

Notcontent · 01/02/2017 23:32

This is such a depressing thread!

Melaniaspilatesinstructor · 01/02/2017 23:35

My Ex DP had this happen. turned out, they'd been chasing him for 17 years and he's ignored it. Are you sure your DH didn't have any inkling?

Why would it mess with your finances? Surely your DH should pay for the CSA?

Revealall · 01/02/2017 23:35

Oh and for the indignant birth certificate people

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T JUST PUT A MANS NAME ON THE BC WITHOUT HIM BEING THERE...OTHERWISE WHATS TO STOP THE MITHER PUTTING BLOODY PRINCE WILLIAM OR WHOEVER ON THE FLIPPING THING.

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2017 23:38

RevealAll I was about to post exactly the same. Exact I was going to propose I put down Gary Barlow as my child's father!

MyWineTime · 01/02/2017 23:39

give me a man who hasn't had a drunk unprotected one night stand because I bet the majority of them have had and women too for that matter because we are all human and we all make mistakes
I disagree that it's something that the majority of men (or women do), but regardless of that, he made a mistake and there are consequences.
He needs to confirm that the child is his, then if it is, he has to pay. I know that is hard for you to get your head round, but it is the consequence of his action.

HeavenlyEyes · 01/02/2017 23:41

has the mother actually stated she is going via the CSA for maintenance or are you just panicking about money unnecessarily?

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 23:43

Luckily for men who have one night stands, the consequences are always potentially much less than those the woman has to face.

londonginge86 · 01/02/2017 23:46

I think people are being hugely unfair on you OP. It was the birth mother's fault the child was deprived of a father and I'm sceptical on her motivations for dropping the bombshell now. I hope you manage to come to a fair solution that doesn't negatively impact your children. It's heart warming to see how welcoming you're being to this child given the circumstances and I don't think it's at all selfish of you to be shocked or worried.

Oswin · 01/02/2017 23:46

Op why do you think your dhs child doesn't deserve 12 Percent of his income when your children have the rest?

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