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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
RaisinsAndApple · 01/02/2017 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:53

And why there is no laws or reasoning out their to protect my children

Protect them from what? Not having a climbing frame?!

AyeAmarok · 01/02/2017 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/02/2017 22:54

But what could the law do? Do you not think he should support his child?

I personally think it was irresponsible of both of them, but particularly the woman, to have unprotected sex. I don't know anyone who would have a ONS without a condom, to protect both parties. Well, now they both have to live with the consequences. Was your DH in the habit of having unprotected sex? If so, wasn't he worried about consequences catching up with him?

I agree it's a difficult situation and the woman hasn't been very fair not telling your DH that he was going to become a father.

Why should your children lose out? Because their father now has 3 children to support.

I can imagine you are very angry about the situation and the impact and I'd feel the same.

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:55

Where did she say that?!

The OP is all about rights, fighting for them. I am not hearing much about responsibility.

EggnogChai · 01/02/2017 22:56

You'll fight for contact? You'll be given every other weekend and it you don't stick to it the mum can just go back to court and have it suspended.

She probably will go for child maintenance, because that's the right thing to do.

You say you'll be spending more on one child then your two, but I doubt 15% of your husbands earnings is more than 1/4 of your mortgage, energy bills, food, activitiy and clothing costs - which is what child maintenance is for.

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2017 22:56

What a nasty bitch to spring this on his family. I see no need for that, other than to persuade him to pay out for the child. How bizarre.

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:56

It terms of contact we do want this- I feel the easiet way for all of us is to welcome this child into our family and our unit- I would love to have this child for school holidays and be a part of our big family days out - however how we can get to this point is going to be hard- obviously we do not expect this girl to just let my husband come and sweep this child of its feet - she doesn't even know him and neither does the child so that would be unfair. We believe the best way to start contact is through a contact centre and let this build up and build up relationships and trust- however this child lives the other side of the country to us , my husband does not have the time or the finances to travel and stay across the country every month even , it may be different if the mum is willing to come half way or take turns in the travel so I guess we have to wait and see what sort of person she is. I'm just disheartened I feel my children in all this are very vulnerable and unprotected against such a huge disruption to our family and their own lives.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 22:56

the amount of money she would be entitled to

NotLadyPrickshit · 01/02/2017 22:56

Sorry to hijack OP

Dumbledore 40% of the net wage is the absolute maximum that the CSA can take from the paying parents salary however this is only done in extremely rare cases where payments have not been made & is usually taken on a deduction from earnings order because all other payment options offered have either been ignored or the paying parent has refused/failed to comply. If your OH had receipts which were dated & signed by the child's mother this would have been enough to prove payment. My ex had thousands of pounds worth of arrears & I could barely get them to set up the DEO let alone take the 40%.

OP this has obviously come as quite the shock for you & your family before getting into the logistics of contact & finances perhaps it would be best to use the time until your husband comes home to try to get used to the idea. Whilst you may be willing to welcome this child into your family it will be what he is willing to do which will determine the relationships you & your children will have with the child.

Britannialia · 01/02/2017 22:57

It''s shocking to read on here that people are assuming the dh knew and kept it a secret.

I don't agree it's shocking at all; it totally fits with the fact of contact with the OP first. Why on earth would you do this? Whether "he knew" can encompass all kinds of knowledge; it doesn't have to be full day to day knowledge - it could be anything between "she told him she was pregnant but he didnt' have to be involved and he wasn't" to "a secret life where he popped in on the way home every evening/every other weekend".

Exactly the same think happened to someone I know - except the child (A son) was much older - an adult with his own children. He turned up on the doorstep one day and introduced himself to the wife (equivalent of OP) who by this point her own children were adults too. After much wrangling, lying, shouting and tears, it turned out that her husband had known all along about the son and had been on and off in contact throughout his life.

The son decided enough was enough and that he wanted to know his wider family and for his children to know their cousins.

OPs husband may have had no idea and that could be right. But it's perfectly possible that he did know. It's pretty irresponsible to not point that out to the OP when it's glaring you right in the face on the facts. A normal first step if he really didn't know would be to contact him first. Contacting others incuding the family has a strong flavour of cutting through the flannel and making your child no longer a dirty little secret because he won't come clean.

LALALALALAND · 01/02/2017 22:58

In my friends case they were all highly paid lawyers. There was an email dating back to when the child was 2 which was ambiguously worded but could have been an admission of paternity and equally a refusal to pay.

The backpay was £100,000.

The ongoing costs are that the child has to be maintained to the same level as his other child. So full school fees, uncapped maintenance (he earns £1mill plus but she earns an awful lot as well)

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2017 22:58

It's a lesson for all makes, if you wear a condom them you won't get stung. One can start a human life, that person has feelings and needs just like anyone else

I guess your dh did something foolish and is now going to have to pay the price, it's not the child's fault though

hellomoon · 01/02/2017 22:58

OP you seem to think they should take into account how much money you spend on your 'dream house', debts you've racked up, current lifestyle etc, and then count up how many pennies you have spare at the end to divide between the 3 kids. That's not how it works, and it's not fair. You first pay for the children you have, then you work out how much you've got left for outgoings.

The OP has paid for the children she has had - and has worked out how much she has for outgoings. She didn't know about this child. Neither did her husband.

Cut her some slack, this is an utter bombshell in their lives and one that will naturally cause anxiety.

The fact that the OP wants to welcome this child into her family speaks volumes about her character - I think that her financial concerns are valid, given that she is trying to come to terms with what is very new news.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2017 22:58

Boo fucking hoo!! This poor child has lost out on their dad being in their life and you're moaning about your kids big garden and climbing frames!! Fuck sake get a grip!

With a bit of effort you could be even nastier to the OP.

This "poor child" has lost out on the dad being in her life because of her MOTHER, not the OP, not the father, but her. She made that decision so you are completely out of order to be so fucking bitchy to the OP that she is upset that this has come out of the blue like this.

Whether he knew or not is not really relevant at this point. She didnt and is worried about the effect it will have on her and her childrens life, on what planet is that unreasonable?!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/02/2017 22:58

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. The child's mum should have contacted him when she was pregnant- I think it's unfair to 'spring' a child on somebody years down the line. How can anybody possibly provision for that?

Realistically, mistakes happen. I'd feel the same in your shoes to be honest.

Although agree with previous posters- The mother might balk at contact and disappear again. Did she say that she wanted him to be in contact at all? I know you said she didn't mention money.

anklebitersmum · 01/02/2017 22:58

I'd be proactive as regards CMS if I were you, they're a bunch of incompetent idiots and will take as gospel whatever the resident parent says, irrespective of the facts. The last thing you want is to be having to fight to get a decision appealed because she doesn't mention your two children when applying-or says that DH is proven to be the father already.

I understand how the financial aspect looms, especially when things are 'tight' with two young children but that aside you and DH have some honest talking to do. It's not like this will just effect you and him, there are two very young half-siblings whose stability needs to be considered, not to mention an eight year old who has potentially just found their Father and will undoubtedly have all sorts of emotional turmoil themselves.

This needs to be handled with the utmost care emotionally and in a cool, calm manner financially.

Don't forget that anger and outrage are notorious as the 'easy' 'go-to' emotions-take a step back and breathe.

DumbledoresArmy · 01/02/2017 22:59

Yes I am
Familiar with how it is taken. Believe you me I wish we only had to pay 15%.
And no they didn't take into account receipts.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2017 22:59

we are all human and we all make mistakes

Yes and we have to take responsibility for the results of those mistakes.

please tell me why it's fair to take from my children to give to another?

It is fair that he contributes to the quality of life of all of his children. They have had the other child's share as well as their own up until now so they've don'e OK.

It isn't just your own children's welfare that should be prioritised. All three have needs and rights. The law protects your children by ensuring that the amount he has to pay for his oldest child is proportionate.

Nobody wants to lose a chunk of their income but we are also better off in a society where parents are expected to contribute to the costs of bringing up their children.

AskBasil · 01/02/2017 22:59

Oh dear.

I think you may have lost the crowd at "climbing frame."

Oops

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/02/2017 23:00

Oh and Ivykaty... I have proof that Condoms are not foolproof.

She's in her bed right now.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 23:01

'please tell me why it's fair to take from my children to give to another?'

Because the 'other' is also your DH's child ffs. OP, I'm sorry but you sound awful. Your dcs have the chance to have a relationship with a new sibling and you are worried about a climbing frame? Seriously? Your DH has got off lightly compared to this woman who has had to go through pregnancy and birth and 8 years alone. Even though the responsibility is as much his as hers.

AyeAmarok · 01/02/2017 23:01

I personally think it was irresponsible of both of them, but particularly the woman, to have unprotected sex.

Why "particularly the woman", pray tell?

Oswin · 01/02/2017 23:02

Bloody hell of course you spend that much on your DC!!

Protect your DC how? What so you propose happens to children when their father goes on to have more kids.

How much would be OK? Ten percent? Six? Three?

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 23:03

his "poor child" has lost out on the dad being in her life because of her MOTHER, not the OP, not the father, but her

You can't possibly know that.

he last thing you want is to be having to fight to get a decision appealed because she doesn't mention your two children when applying-or says that DH is proven to be the father already

That isn't her reponsibility, is it? The OP's husband has an obligation - in law - to disclose his circumstances.