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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:37

So you want to to play happy families but not have to take the fonanacial responsibilities, is that it?

HerRoyalNotness · 01/02/2017 22:37

I'd want to have more to go on than the child looks like the DH in a photo sent to the MIL before I started down maintenance, contact etc ...

GraciesMansion · 01/02/2017 22:38

You keep saying it's more than you spend on your own children, seemingly forgetting that the mortgage, utility bills, food bill etc are money you are spending on your children. I agree with you that it's tough that you might have an extra child to contribute to but don't forget how much you are actually spending on your children.

Liiinoo · 01/02/2017 22:38

OP. This is tough. Of course you don't want your DC to go without but neither does the mother of his first (as far as we know) child. In all fairness, you cannot expect the mum of his first child to let her DC go without money in favour of his subsequent children.

Your DCS will always be the most fortunate in that they were born in a loving committed relationship with two parents that love them. Your husband's first child did not have that privilege.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:39

Legally, though it doesn't even matter how this has arisen. If a child is biologically yours then you are financially responsible.

SemiNormal · 01/02/2017 22:40

OP Are you absolutely sure she hasn't contacted him/tried to contact him before? Did he really have no idea?

So because he isn't on the birth certificate he isn't entitled to any contact? Because that is one thing we do want and will fight for. - He has no parental responsibility if he is not on the birth certificate. Interesting how you will fight for contact but are so fucked off about the finances and your dream home.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2017 22:40

I'm bloody pissed off because we will be paying more for a single child we have no relationship with than our own children

Your husband is just as much this child's father as he is your children's. They have a relationship.

When people have sex, they know there is a chance they will make a baby. He chose to take the risk, as did she and he became a father. Now he is being required to live up to his responsibility.

What ever the motives of the mother, the child is entitled to support from your husband.

This is a shock, an unwelcome complication and, possibly a new financial burden. It is also a person with rights and feelings.

Try to stop obsessing about the money and work out how you are going to adapt your lives to accommodate your new family member.

Please don't try to restrict contact to a few hours every 3 months. Please try to facilitate this child building a positive and meaningful relationship with his or her father.

This child is in an unenviable position and needs you to offer all the positivity you can muster.

Cameron2012 · 01/02/2017 22:42

I agree with purple, it seems like a frustrated last move.
Regardless you had had a horrible shock and I can understand your worry.
Having tried unsuccessfully to claim maintenance from my ex for years I found myself on the other side of the fence with my now husband who has a child that he has nothing to do with .
We paid maintenance and arrears for 7 years, every month , on the dot , we paid even when he wasn't working and it came out of my wages, we paid because it was the right thing to do, because the child deserved the benefits from that money and because the mother had done all the hard work .my children didn't have as much as they would have had and were unable to save for my sons university fees, but I still feel it was the right thing to do.

Oswin · 01/02/2017 22:43

Op I bet you so spend more than 12 percent of your family income on your children.

Food, heat, water, internet, TV, rent, clothes, shoes, entertainment and so much other stuff.

You may not spend that much on clothes but maitanence is for much more than that.

BastardBloodAndSand · 01/02/2017 22:44

I wouldn't be too sure your partner doesn't know anything either.

I have a friend in a very similar situation, but in her case the dad vanished off the face of the earth when they split up she's brought her daughter up alone for 11 years, it wasn't about money but her dd was becoming more and more depressed. She found him on FB as no address and sent him a message saying she didn't want anything from him but their daughter wanted to get to know him and her other siblings.

Fucking coward didn't even reply. Absolute scummer missing out on a lovely girl i'd be proud to call my own.

She hasn't resorted to contacting his family YET (( and won't )) But have to say in her position I would have reached out to them, partly to shame him and partly to give them a chance to get to know the child who hasn't done anything at the end of the day.

SemiNormal · 01/02/2017 22:44

Also if you're going to fight for contact and do want a relationship with this child then would they be added to your DHs will? because if you want a relationship then it would be a shitty thing (imo) not to do so, he can't pick and choose which parts of parenthood he would like (and neither can you) and it's going to be extremely unfair to make any differences between the children. You said yourself you don't want your children to have less than this child, well it works both ways and this child should not have any less than your children too.

NapQueen · 01/02/2017 22:46

It's shocking to read on here that people are assuming the dh knew and kept it a secret. That he has "got away" with something he didn't even know about.

Now he does know he and op can make steps to formalise things and make arrangements from here on in.

Lorrie3188 · 01/02/2017 22:47

No real advice but just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel. You have your family unit and now it's being shaken up. I do find it strange she never contacted him before, and I too would be very concerned about finances. After all. It's not his fault he had no contact when he didn't know the child existed.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2017 22:47

You might find that as soon as she realises that you are not just going to pay up and disappear but want to be a part of the DD's life that she changes her tune. Its exactly what my cousin did when her childs father said that he was happy to pay child support and wanted to arrange contact. She said that she didnt want the money after all and he wouldnt get contact. It went to court and she had no choice but provide him with access to the child until she moved to another country.

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:47

My Husband had no idea he was in an absolute state yesterday - and you know it's easy for you all to sit there on your high horse he had unprotected sex he should step up / give me a man who hasn't had a drunk unprotected one night stand because I bet the majority of them have had and women too for that matter because we are all human and we all make mistakes. And this is difficult and very sudden but we have no inclination of not stepping up- we are happy to provide financially and we want to build relationships and bonds - however we are just unhappy to do so to the point that our lives and most importantly our children's lives are uprooted so much! It's all about putting the children first and this child is going to be getting extra money they never had and a second father and another family and all the wonderful things that brings - yes my children will be gaining a sibling but they will be losing their big garden and climbing frames , their own bedrooms or possibily losing a lot of time with me their mother because I may have to go back to work - please tell me why it's fair to take from my children to give to another? And why there is no laws or reasoning out their to protect my children?

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 01/02/2017 22:50

No the majority of men do not have unprotected one nights stands.

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:50

It's shocking to read on here that people are assuming the dh knew and kept it a secret. That he has "got away" with something he didn't even know about

People who have had relationships breakdown are very aware of the lengths some will go to to ensure that their own lives remain on an even keel. It is shocking what some people try to get away with. Unfortunately, the more the OP has said, the more it sounds like there has been previous contact. It might not be the case - and I certainly hope so for the OPs sake, but please don't assume it's about being horrible or trying to upset the OP.

SemiNormal · 01/02/2017 22:51

give me a man who hasn't had a drunk unprotected one night stand because I bet the majority of them have had and women too for that matter because we are all human and we all make mistakes. - Well I certainly never have!

but they will be losing their big garden and climbing frames - Boo fucking hoo!! This poor child has lost out on their dad being in their life and you're moaning about your kids big garden and climbing frames!! Fuck sake get a grip!

AndNowItsSeven · 01/02/2017 22:51

You seriously think your dc's climbing frame is more important than financial supporting a child's day to day needs?

LostMyDotBrain · 01/02/2017 22:51

DH has to pay 40% of his wages to the CSA for a child he does not see.

Well you've spent a long time non-compliant in order for the monthly % plus arrears to reach that much. One child is around 12-15%. And that's without reductions for other children in the home.

OP, you've had a shock but it's really crass to not start flinging insults at this woman and making assumptions about benefits and whatnot.

Think of it a different way...the fact that she's not sought maintenance previously has meant that you and your family have had a lot more luxuries than you should have been able to afford for the last 8 years (or however long you've been with your DH). That is presumably several thousand pounds that she could have claimed from your DH but didn't. Probably tens of thousands. Saying no thanks to that kind of money says to me that if this is about the money, she's in a desperate state and genuinely really needs the money to feed your husband's eldest child.

Have a think about how 8 years worth of maintenance on your DH's wage compares to how much you stumped up for the deposit on your house.

Your DH made this child, however unintentionally. It's certainly an unfair situation but it not being fair doesn't mean the child isn't his responsibility.

potatospuds · 01/02/2017 22:51

I hear you op. It's a fucking shit situation! I hope it works out for you Flowers

SemiNormal · 01/02/2017 22:52

And why there is no laws or reasoning out their to protect my children? - Protect your children from what exactly? The big bad step child?!

DearMrDilkington · 01/02/2017 22:52

Are you 100% sure he wasn't contacted in the past and he ignored her or even blocked her on social media? Sorry to be cynical but this seems like the most likely situation.

If your completely sure then it's very unfair on your dh, he had a right to know from the start and so did the child.

DumbledoresArmy · 01/02/2017 22:52

Tbf the one night stand woman is out of order for not telling the op's DH that she was pregnant in the 1st place!

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2017 22:52

So you want to to play happy families but not have to take the fonanacial responsibilities, is that it?

Where did she say that?!

She is in shock and worried about how the extra financial responsibility will affect their family. The same as many people would if they suddenly found that they had another child to provide for, be that from an unexpected pregnancy or a situation like this.

Of course she is worried that they could lose their house etc, they made their financial plans based on what they thought the situation was, and now that has changed it puts all those plans at risk. If they simply cannot afford the extra outgoing on child support and paying the mortgage/bills etc then they may have to move. Who wouldnt be gutted about that?

FFS give the OP a break. This has been a huge shock to her and she needs time to get her head around it. I have to say that my first thought would probably also be "How the hell will we be able to afford this?!"

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