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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:22

She also will have been recieving benefits so I'm sorry I do not think she now years down the line deserves to take more than we can give

Because she of course has never worked a day in her life? Couldn't possibly be a high earner? How about what the child deserves? Why should financial support be on your terms?

He won't have to pay arrears
Assuming mum has never opened a case with the CSA. Assuming dad is telling the absolute truth and knew nothing about this. It is unlikely there will be arrears but not impossible.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:23

Maybe she couldn't have an abortion. If you find yourself pregnant in less than ideal circumstances then there is going to be fall out whatever choice you make, for the woman and not for the man.

Maybe the child has only now started asking about their father?

VioletRoar · 01/02/2017 22:23

Op-if the mother has set up a new claim with child maintenance service, he won't have arrears to pay.

If she set up a case 8 years ago and your husband was contacted, he'll owe arrears.

Ring the csa.

It's not your or your children's fault, it's also not the fault of this 8 year old.

dataandspot · 01/02/2017 22:24

Dumbledore
Can you tell us why you pay 40% when it's usually 15%?!?

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:25

She has clearly not put the father on the birth certificate and he has no rights

The mother is unable to put the father on the birth certificate where mother and father are unmarried.

youarenotkiddingme · 01/02/2017 22:25

I don't think it's unreasonable to be worried about the effect on your own children.

If your DH had known he had a child he could have made different decisions about his lifestyle, place of residence and further children - based on all the facts.

To suddenly announce to someone they have an 8yo and then tell the whole family is overstepping the mark.
He should have contacted the father.

But it does seem strange that a ONS has all the information available to contact his wife and family. I'm wondering if they knew each other well before hand? And if they did why didn't she say something at the time?

I'm sure this is a shock. But try to deal with each thing separately and without the emotion.
Start with a DNA test and what your DH wants to do with regards contact etc.

SleepFreeZone · 01/02/2017 22:25

Makes you wonder if this has come about off the back of the social welfare changes. Perhaps she had no need to get the father involved previously but now if her benefits have changed she feels differently.

I would be extremely passed off too. You cut your cloth accordingly and all of us live the lifestyle we can afford. If suddenly you lost between 12-40% of your income wouldn't you be fucking horrified?

FatOldBag · 01/02/2017 22:26

OP you seem to think they should take into account how much money you spend on your 'dream house', debts you've racked up, current lifestyle etc, and then count up how many pennies you have spare at the end to divide between the 3 kids. That's not how it works, and it's not fair. You first pay for the children you have, then you work out how much you've got left for outgoings.

The mother has been paying for 100% of everything so far for 8 years. Is he really begrudging contributing a fair amount from now on, having got away with paying nothing for half her childhood?

If it was a one night stand, I don't see how she's tracked him down tbh. Seems a bit Hmm to me. If you wanted to track down some random you'd shagged 9 years ago, where would you start? Did she even know his surname in the first place, let alone remember it?!

AndNowItsSeven · 01/02/2017 22:26

You keep mentioning "our"children this child is also your dh child just as much as your dc together.
Your dc are also not the priority- to you alone they are but all child need to be supported financially by their father.
Your dh chose to have unprotected sex it's his responsibility.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 22:27

She was really wrong to tell others in your husband's family without giving him the chance to tell them. It will be interesting to discover why she hasn't acted sooner - presumably she could have?

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:27

I guess I'm focusing on the money aspect because If I was in that situation and I wanted my child to know their father I would have gone about this very differently , we have been contacted via social media which is how she has tracked my husband down so she knows their child has two more siblings and that my husband is married/ I guess I'm just bewildered the messages we all received in themselves where bizarre ,

OP posts:
UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 01/02/2017 22:27

To be perfectly honest. I wouldn't do a thing about this.
Let her foot the DNA bill and legal fees.

I think what's happened in her life has triggered this (maybe she's split up with her partner) and if she could live happily without your DH's money for so long she can go longer without.

If and it's a big if, the child is his, well I'd cross that bridge when it comes to it, but it's up to her to prove it.

I don't mean to be mean about her, but it's her call if she wants to peruse it further, and I wouldn't do a damn thing unless there's incontrovertible proof.

Whatever you do don't contact her, but seek legal advice asap. It could be a scam. Even DNA testing only provides you with a statistically probability, not 100% proof.

You need legal advice. Don't contact this woman yourselves.

I hope your DH's father is better soon. I wouldn't mention this to him until I had made that solicitor's appointment.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 22:27

It's hard to get your head around that so quickly though, AndNowItsSeven.

BastardBloodAndSand · 01/02/2017 22:29

Some of the posts on these are appalling.

And in answer to wails of why is she doing this to me ?? Well maybe the child at the age of 8 was becoming more and more distressed at having an entire family he doesn't know and his mum decided it was time to do the right thing.

Honestly, grow the hell up !!

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:29

SleepFree - parents should pay for their children end of. The OP's husband will have to support this child for only half the time he would have if she had informed him at birth.

DumbledoresArmy · 01/02/2017 22:29

We pay 40% as DH has arrears.
Basically he paid his ex every week maintenance not via CSA. He wrote her a receipt out & signed each time for proof.
One day she decided this wasn't acceptable & she contacted the CSA & informed them untruthfully that DH had not paid anything for a number of years.
Even after explaining that he had paid her on a regular basis & had proof of receipt the CSA disregarded this, hence the arrears.

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 22:30

She was really wrong to tell others in your husband's family without giving him the chance to tell them. It will be interesting to discover why she hasn't acted sooner - presumably she could have? Maybe she had contacted him and he just ignored her so she was forced to take this action.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:32

The CSA will arrange a DNA test but if your DH is found to be the father he will have to pay for the test which I think is £200-£300. If he doesn't turn up to the test then the CSA presume parentage and will go ahead with a deduction of earnings order if necessary.

FuzzyOwl · 01/02/2017 22:32

Underbeneath it doesn't work that way with a DNA test through the CSA. If a man says he isn't or doesn't know if he is the father, the test will be carried out. The CSA will foot the bill if it is negative but the man has to pay if it is positive.

PurpleMinionMummy · 01/02/2017 22:32

I find it a bit strange she's contacted you and his entire family so suddenly. Are you sure he didn't know anything previously? It seems more like an exasperated final move than a first contact type move and why would she not contact him directly or all of you at the same time? I'd be suspicious, sorry.

VioletRoar · 01/02/2017 22:33

I thought the same fuzzy I can just imagine my ex spinning this sob story.

needsahalo · 01/02/2017 22:33

Whatever you do don't contact her, but seek legal advice asap. It could be a scam. Even DNA testing only provides you with a statistically probability, not 100% proof

Jesus wept. All women are feckless slags unless proven otherwise, eh?

OP this is piss poor advice and will result in all sorts of shit. You must be very clear - if contacted by the CMS, your husband must ask immediately for a DNA test. If he doesn't, he won't get a second chance at it with the CMS. He will have to pay but it would be cheaper than doing it privately and it will stand up in court. If he is the father, then court can deal with the birth certificate etc.

lottieandmia · 01/02/2017 22:33

Under - the OP has already said they are not in doubt that the child is his.

Original poster
Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 22:35

She's popped his name in Facebook and he's come up, and all his relations his sister his mum his dad , me, I can't answer why she hasn't contacted any of us earlier I can't even answer what she was hoping to achieve yesterday to be honest,

So because he isn't on the birth certificate he isn't entitled to any contact? Because that is one thing we do want and will fight for.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/02/2017 22:36

It does seem that there is some spite involved here given that she contacted you and his parents at the same time as him. Why not just tell him and let him work out how to tell you and his parents? If she is after money then she isnt exactly endearing herself to the person she needs to negotiate with. They could have worked out maintenance between them, but I wouldnt want to enter an informal arrangement with someone who will act as she has done

You dont just throw a bomb into someones family, no matter what has happened. At worst she sounds nasty and spiteful and at best woefully lacking in impulse control and empathy.

I cant help wondering if this has come from a crisis in her own family, maybe a row with the boyfriend about a lack of financial support from the girls father and she kicked off these messages without really thinking about the consequences.