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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 11:39

Women do go back to work early, on account of children that they had or step dc they knew about, not usually on account of some selfish cow dropping a bomb.

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 11:51

Aderyn you talk some utter shit the father is accountable he is the one that makes the payment if his DW need to go back to work to put more in the household than unfortunately that's what's got to be done. As numerous people stated it's been one day yet OPs dh seems to have accepted it rather quickly without atleast invesgiating. The child would receive 15% in maintenance why should the mother support her child on her own?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 11:52

Aderyn, cmon, she decides after eight years to suddenly out the blue to front up as a one night stand from nearly a decade ago, to a man who she only knew his name, and tell him he has an eight year old child, but doesn't actually tell him, she tells his wife , she decides that sending a spiteful message to the wife first and foremost indicating it was going on when they were together and that he has a kid is the best way to approach this?

And then she sends photos of the child to the grandmother? And you really think she never at any stage broke the news to him first. You actually think this scenario is likely? 🙄

Yes, if this is what happened then agree it's outrageous, but cmon. If this is true they've got bigger issues as the woman is off her rocker.

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 11:55

It is also OPs choice to stay or leave given the circumstances. Her DC have had a father in their lives this poor girl hasn't. The woman hasn't even meantioned money but yet op has jumped and googled and calculated what maintence they would have to pay surely establishing a relationship is a priority and if the mother wants to pursue maintenance she can.

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 11:57

TBH I would be expecting him to increase his workload/income before I would be saying OP should look at going back to work.

Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 12:03

Moonlight, you say I talk shit but at least I'm not coming out with utter wank like the OP can just up and leave her dh. Also the child has had a father - her mother's dp, who she calls dad.
I have no idea whether the dh knew about this already and if he did then I've said that changes things, but tbh, there are some batshit people out there who would spill their guts on fb before doing doing anything else.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:06

Aderyn, why do you keep attacking the woman, calling her names like selfish cow, when even if this highly unlikely scenario is true you don't know the background or what caused it. You balance none of your arguments by saying if he knew he was a selfish bastard. None.

You come across as hugely misogynistic.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:10

Also the child has had a father

Kr1stina · 02/02/2017 12:15

This is such a depressing thread. I feel so sorry for this poor eight year old and her mother.

Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 12:15

I have said repeatedly that if he knew it totally changes my opinion of him. I kind of thought that didn't need spelling out - if he has lied to his wife and deprived this child of his parenting for 8 years then yes, he is a total prick.
But, if we judge the situation on what the OP has said (and she says it was a total shock to him and that the photos have convinced them the child is her dh's) then I maintain that keeping a child secret from its father is a massively selfish thing to do (exception being abusive relationships). As is spilling your guts on fb to the wife and grandparents.

If this truly is the first he has heard of it then I cannot think of any circumstances in which she could justify doing such a thing.

Aderyn2016 · 02/02/2017 12:17

You are being deliberately obtuse Bluntness. I never said the child believes the bf to be her bio dad - I have no way of knowing that, only that he has been a father to her and she calls him dad.

Msqueen33 · 02/02/2017 12:23

What a head fuck. It's not like the OPs dh got away without paying. He didn't know so how could he pay. Interesting that she's cropped up now eight years in and told all his family before talking to them properly. Can't have been that hard to find if she found his family.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:29

If this truly is the first he has heard of it then I cannot think of any circumstances in which she could justify doing such a thing.

PenguinsandPebbles · 02/02/2017 12:41

I'm with you Aderyn

I do believe that ALL NRP's should pay maintenance, I have two lovely DC in my life who have never recieved a penny from their mother, and she definetly knows that they exist. I do think that this man now has to contribute for the sake of the child and the OP has also acknowledged this.

However, it is highly possible this man did not know this child existed until yesterday.

Ive seen threads from women who have had a ONS and ended up pregnant and decided to not tell their husbands/partners - just let the husband/partner assume it's his child, in the step-parenting boards there are women often asking for advise on how to break it to the child or partner. It's possible this child doesn't even know this man is her father, the mother might just want money, might refuse access of any sort and he then has to go to court to even see this child, if it even is his. Conversely she may just want her child to have a relationship with her biological father and family.

I think in these cases you have to believe what the OP says until they say otherwise. MN is about supporting people and this lady has just had her families life turned upside down and she is thinking of HER children's lives. Yet some people are just wanting to take their own personal experience of a useless fully aware that the child exists NRP.

If you lived close to the breadline because you put all your money into building your home, and then found out your family income was going to be reduced by 20% meaning you had to move home of course you would be upset, this ladies family life has just been turned upside down and a little compassion for her (because she certainly has no idea, and none of this her fault) wouldn't go amiss IMO.

For those doubting this happens on social media, I've seen some very narcissisct women on MN, not to mention some very fucked up emotional trolls who just want drama, drama, drama it therefore seems highly possible to me.

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 12:48

Aderyn you've been personally attacked this woman calling her names she has on her own raised this child of course op should step up. I also don't believe for a second this has come out of the blue. That been said op has a choice she work with her dh provide love and financial assistance or she can leave but to even suggest they pay half the minimum so they can have there climbing frame etc.

Lunar1 · 02/02/2017 12:48

The way that the mother has gone about dropping the news is not that of someone who was happy to hide things for years and now has decided it's time for her dd to know her dad.

She sounds full of anger and resentment towards your dh. It really is more likely that he knew and blocked her on social media so she couldn't find out where he was. She may have recently seen something which has made her realise who all his family is and that's why the bombshell has been dropped in this way.

Underthemoonlight · 02/02/2017 13:13

💯 agree with lunar this isn't the actions of someone who would conceal this for 8 years then just decide to make an massive announcement to op and his family.

thethoughtfox · 02/02/2017 13:43

Aderyn, I quite agree. Just thought it might be a more positive way for her to look this difficult situation.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 13:56

Agree with lunar, the op even says she feels the woman did it as a way to "hurt" her husband, why would you want to hurt someone you've had no contact with through your choice for eight years and was a one night stand and had no clue you had their child? why would you try to imply it was when the op and her husband were together?

MyWineTime · 02/02/2017 14:11

Aderyn The point is that none of that means that he shouldn't pay for his child or should only have to pay a reduced amount. It's still his child that he is responsible for. There's no shirking or reducing that responsibility.

Starlight2345 · 02/02/2017 14:23

So many many assumptions on this thread

Of course you are shocked OP.

However you know nothing about this child, why she is getting in touch.

8 years ago not everyone was on FB,

It seems odd she has contacted all of you.

She hasn't asked for money at this stage..Yes I would be asking for a DNA..I would be getting your finances in order so that you can support this child if it is his.

It may well be the child asking questions, it may be she has tried to cope so long and can't. It may be she has done some FB snooping and is jelous..

Knowing his name did she have contact details? were they living close by and knew each other. So many questions you need answers to. You have to ask ,DH her whoever to get the answers.

Of course it has made you feel shocked by it all but you have to move forward.

He is legally required to pay basic CSA if she wants it. ( and child is his) . He won't be liable for arreas as no case with CSA is open.

catinbooots · 02/02/2017 15:07

I don't think OP is coming back folks....

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/02/2017 15:16

I wouldnt blame her if she didnt. She came on here because she was shocked and worried, and yes pissed off, and all she got was a flaming based on assumptions made by others.

I wouldnt blame her if she never came back to MN at all. This place is a fucking embarassment at times.

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 15:18

Well she has two small children and her husband Is away so she probably has her hands full during the day. It was later last night that she posted so I'm assuming that's when she has free time to log on.

SapphireBird · 02/02/2017 16:34

There are an awful lot of people projecting in this thread and not in a good way. I definitely wouldn't blame the OP if she didn't come back.

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