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Original poster

Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?

354 replies

Cheekychica10 · 01/02/2017 21:30

Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,

I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?

OP posts:
catinbooots · 02/02/2017 17:14

It's a shame because there's actually a lot of good advice on this thread, amongst the speculation and assumptions.

lottieandmia · 02/02/2017 17:42

Nobody is projecting. The op is saying it's not fair that she and her DH may have to pay child maintenance. It's the law. The attitude is no different from being angry about paying income tax.

SemiNormal · 02/02/2017 17:46

amongst the speculation and assumptions. - What assumptions would that be? That the childs mother is a spiteful cow? that she's only after money? that she's on benefits? ......

squishee · 02/02/2017 18:14

There'a a consensus emerging...

VocalDuck · 02/02/2017 19:40

Well since this is the only thread the OP has ever been on, maybe she has decided MN is not the place for her or perhaps she now has enough for her Daily Mail article/book

CheerfulYank · 02/02/2017 20:31

I know someone who assumed his mother's boyfriend was his father until he was 9. There's no saying the child knew the man she calls "dad" isn't her biological father.

The OP has every right to be shocked and angry. I would be. (Angry at DH.) And we personally WOULD lose our house if our income dropped by 12%. I wouldn't fight it as it would be the right thing to do, but the fact is that we would indeed lose our house, so I don't know why other posters seem surprised by the OP saying so.

needsahalo · 02/02/2017 22:35

And we personally WOULD lose our house if our income dropped by 12%

I don't think anyone is suggesting the OP shouldn't be upset or angry or frustrated but have been concerned at the suggestion her children losing out should be avoided at all costs.

The OP isn't working. Her household income could therefore be increased. The rights and wrongs of that are a thread in their own right, but the fact remains that the OP and her husband can bring in extra money if they need to - they are not yet flat out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/02/2017 22:44

Thats true needs but the OP had her plans sorted.....house bought, few years off with the kids before going back to work (perhaps part time) etc all based on what she thought the situation was. Then a new child who needs financial support pops up out of nowhere, and it throws everything into question. She is bound to be worried and angry that her whole life is now changing because of the actions of 2 people, one of whom she doesnt even know, years ago.

If it was me then I would be kicking off big style! I wouldnt want to be a sudden stepmother several years into marriage, its the sort of thing you need to know before you marry someone not 8 years later! And yes I would be worried about the money, but I wonder if the emotions about this child suddenly appearing and being the stepdaughter, the big sister, her husbands first born are being poured into the worries about money.

VocalDuck · 02/02/2017 22:46

Personally I would also be a bit worried about how many ONS there had been and whether my DH was careless during them, so if there could be more stepchildren turning up in the future.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/02/2017 23:34

You say the child is the spitting image of your DH, more than your DCs. In that case, insisting on a DNA test may not be the best way to proceed! At least not initially. It's possible the child just wants to know their biological father. maybe their DM is a MNer who has been following the thread about how kids need to know their biological fathers in case of future medical problems? Just wait and see.

catinbooots · 03/02/2017 08:13

Semi yes. Those assumptions. Amongst others.

elfonshelf · 03/02/2017 21:03

Surely if the mother was contacting the op and other family members because she had been trying to contact the op's dh without success that would have been mentioned in the messages to the op and family?

Yet the op doesn't say that the mother has said this.

Any normal, rational person who was reaching out to the wider family would surely start by saying something along the lines of 'After 8 years of attempting to discuss with x and his refusing to reply/blocking me etc, I've decided I need to contact you'?

The OP does say that the messages are both strange and spiteful. Unless the OP has left a chunk out, I can see why she would definitely believe that her DH didn't know.

I can't imagine what a shock this must have been and it's entirely natural that her first thoughts are of how they will manage and how it will affect her own children if their finances are tight. Frankly, in the circumstances, the fact that she is already able to be so welcoming of the idea of a new SD is pretty commendable.

I wish you all luck OP.

KarmaNoMore · 04/02/2017 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn2016 · 04/02/2017 18:20

Sorry, but I think some people are spiteful. I think it is nice, but optimistic to think that all people are generally reasonable until they have just cause not to be.

lottieandmia · 04/02/2017 19:11

I think most people would feel that if someone has a child they don't know about, they should at least be told.

DelphineCormier · 05/02/2017 15:58

My daughter is effectively your DH's child in this scenario, so I'm on the other side of this experience wise. Just a few points that stuck out to me reading through this thread that I hope might be helpful to you in working through this. And I completely sympathise, it isn't an easy situation for all involved.

yes my children will be gaining a sibling but they will be losing their big garden and climbing frames , their own bedrooms or possibily losing a lot of time with me their mother because I may have to go back to work - please tell me why it's fair to take from my children to give to another?

My DD has never had the luxury of a SAHM because I have always had to work full time to support us. She's survived. Nor does she have a 'big garden and climbing frames' and nor does she need them, I take her to the local park for that. It's fair for your DH to pay maintenance towards his DD because she's as much his child as your children together, and that's the end of it. Your kids do not need those things you describe. The law dictates that if you father a child, you need to provide for them. Irrespective of any luxuries other children involved do not need to survive. A stay at home parent is a privilege many children do not have.

I don't understand how you can want contact without financial contribution. Sorry, but you can't have it both ways. Either you acknowledge your DH's child as a part of your family or you don't.

the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year I don't understand why you think you would need to have contact in a contact centre? My DD currently has contact with her dad in a centre, but believe me, she wouldn't if she didn't have to.

I feel my children in all this are very vulnerable and unprotected against such a huge disruption to our family and their own lives. Ditto your DH's DD who has grown up without her father up until this point. They are all equally vulnerable and that is why the whole situation needs to be handled appropriately for all involved.

desire2017 · 15/02/2017 17:00

Don't know much about maintenance but I will say your DH and this woman are both very selfish people. Firstly this woman is selfish for opening her legs to any man and not fully knowing who the father of her child is and not telling the child or the father till the child is 8 years old. Your DH is selfish for having Sex unprotected with a woman he doesn't know when he knows full well how a baby is created. Its this child I feel sorry for. I know you have to think of your children but this child didn't ask to be conceived under these circumstances. What makes me wonder is why she's is only just coming out to tell you both now. One theory is she didn't know who the aft she was and thought it was another mans baby but only recently finds out herself he's not so now comes tracking your husband down as he is the 'other ' person it could be. Look at it this way if he knew about the child before hand he would still have to pay for this child whilst getting with you and marrying you. I think he should get a DNA test and not rely on hearsay or looks of the child.

lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 00:57

desire

DFO with you woman hating, slut shaming remarks.

desire2017 · 16/02/2017 10:15

Lottieandmia I didn't call anyone a slut you did that not me

I just think getting pregnant by a stranger and not telling the father or the child until 8 years later is disgusting

lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 10:19

You said 'this woman is selfish for opening her legs'

You assumed she didn't know who the father was.

So, yeah - misogynist and slut shaming as I said.

desire2017 · 16/02/2017 10:21

According to the OP she doesn't even know him just his name. And my opinion yes opening 'your legs' to a stranger is fine, having a one night stand isn't the issue here, lots of woman do it and there is nothing wrong with it but she had unprotected sex with a man she hardly knew and got pregnant and didnt tell the father till the child was 8 in my eyes that's very selfish

OneWithTheForce · 16/02/2017 12:46

It's called having sex, not opening your legs Hmm you open your legs all the time whilst not having sex.

desire2017 · 16/02/2017 13:08

Oneowiththeforce does it really matter?

I am shocked at how many woman who think it's ok to have a baby with a stranger and not bother telling the father. Poor child

OneWithTheForce · 16/02/2017 13:16

Yes of course it does. You were perfectly able to say "unprotected sex" when talking about the man in the scenario, why did you feel the need to use a different term about the woman?

And I'm not sure what makes you think I think it's fine to have a baby and not tell the father.

desire2017 · 16/02/2017 13:25

The OPs husband is immature. Very immature. You can't exactly say to a man he 'opened his legs' not the same is it. He got his few minutes of fun without thinking of the consequences. He must be stupid to have sex with a Woman without the possibility of pregnancy in his mind. J don't Believe for a second this is the first he has heard of it, I recon he knew a long time ago he had a baby but didn't want to acknowledge it.