Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Yes definitely finding I am saving money since I started to meal plan and do weekly shops. I just need to be even braver and not venture into tesco midweek through boredom.... !

I've been through counselling before about my mum. I really should go back again perhaps. I don't even know if I can find the time at the moment though with dhs shifts all over the place and no other childcare. It might be something to look at when ds starts nursery. I struggle with the relationship with my mum. It's strange because every thread on here that is a woman moaning about her mil is met with a very firm "your dh should tell her where to go... you are more important than his mother" and here I am, the "dh" if you see what I mean, and it doesn't feel as simple as that. I'm an only child, my mum has suffered with severe mental health issues all her life until recently and we have absolutely no other family. To just shut her out feels wrong somehow.

My mum and I lived together until I met dh (so into my 30s) and she looked after dd for me when dd was younger so I was able to work full time in highly paid jobs. When I got divorced from my ex dh it all went crazy as mum was devastated (more from a financial point of view I think, we were very well off) and she was forced to go out and get a job herself and she took it all out on me. That was really the beginning of the end as far as our relationship was concerned. That and her telling me my ex dh was "very brave" for deciding he didn't want to be with me anymore. She would say she didn't mean it like that, but how else would someone take that? He told me he wanted out and upped and left for an ex girlfriend after nearly 6 years of marriage and dd and I haven't heard from him since (he's not dds dad but was there since she was about 6 months old).

So things are frosty with my mum. I just keep her at arms length to be honest. I let dd see her because they have a good relationship ish for dds sake but she only sees ds maybe once a week for an hour, always with me there. I don't trust her to look after him alone. Dd is 12 so it's quite different.

Aren't families hard work.

On another note... I've made an apple crumble. It's bloody lovely even if I do say so myself. Plan to have that with custard later.

Oh poor you fairy, I do understand. I have a challenging family too. My dh only sees his dm for 20 minute visits as she drives him mad and mine is jealous and bitter . Just be brave and keep her at arms length, come to your nice mnters and tell all about it.x

Well, it's been an expensive month with the dog. He started worrying at his dew claws start of this week and when I checked them realised they'd grown really long. I rang the vets to see about getting them clipped by the nurse and they wanted £19!!!! I know when he has his haircut it's only £30 and that includes getting his claws done, and his haircut was due next month anyway, so decided to kill two birds with one stone and get that done instead, so he got flash new do and short claws on Wednesday and I now have two weeks of shopping to get with £40! Just done my meal plan for next week, and plugged it all into Tesco online, and with the help of a couple of money off vouchers I've got too I can get the lot for £13! But this week I also have to get a birthday card and present for my 6 year old cousin, but I'm going to try and achieve that for under a tenner. I CAN do this lol! I'd never have imagined six months ago I could manage a week's shopping for £13 - admittedly I can do it because I've got meat in the freezer etc, but I still wouldn't have managed it in the same circumstances six months ago!
I've got some ebaying to do this weekend too, which will hopefully bring in enough that will pay for all the last baby bits, so we can keep ploughing maximum amount into savings for baby and corporation tax. So mostly on track, and learning to be super thrifty along the way!

Quick question.....my extra pm at work will finish the week after Easter hols. Shall I ring the tax credits people now to let them know so they can readjust the figures? I ask because once the extra pm stops, I won't qualify for working tax credit anymore, just tax credits.

sorry been a bit all over the place here, so haven't posted much. we are on track to clear overdraft by the end of the month.

jonty do u have a Wilkinson near u? they had some lovely colouring books (my 6yr old loved the look of it) for 50p, pack of pencils 50p and some lovely art sets for between £1-3.50 I got a friends 6 yr old a colouring book, pencils and sew your own fox and baby for £2.50. then in card factory a lovely numbered card for 59p (started from 29p)

ooh blimey - I'd better think up a new thread title soon .....

Jickjak as I remember with tax credits you have to wait until the change has actually taken place to let them know otherwise they will just ask you to ring back once it has. But I may be wrong!

Jonty do you have a poundstretcher near you? I got all the cousins little pressies from their toy section from there and it's great.. Some of the things I bought were in the sale for £1.99 ! Well worth a look. And they do cheap cards etc too.

Thank you Annie

Well done with overdraft cleaning nocuts!

Dh and I aren't speaking to each other. It's a very toxic atmosphere which we are doing our very best to hide from the dc which isn't hard as he is working such long hours this week he hasn't been around much when they're up anyway. I am very angry with him about all my mum stuff. I think it's very unfair of him to put pressure on me to deal with things the way he thinks (ie have a go at mum again) when he conveniently ignores similar behaviour from his family. I went out with my mum today to our local attraction which mum offered to pay for (for all of us, dh was invited too) but dh decided he couldn't stand to be around mum so stayed home on his own. That in itself annoys me as there have been times when I have been absolutely livid with his family and yet when I have driven him round to visit them (as he doesn't drive and there is no transport) he has nagged me to be nice to them. Well why the fuck should I? I am tempted to say well you don't see my mum and I won't come in when I take you to yours either, I'll do some browsing round the shops or whatever.

So I am really fed up. On the plus side I haven't hardly spent anything. Today was free due to mum paying, apart from £5 petrol, and I shouldn't need to spend anything this weekend. I have had 3 no spend days so far this week. A record for me.

Fairy - well done on the no spend days that's fab! Sorry about your DH though, it sounds really hard between you at the moment. I know his approach isn't great, and contradicts what he asks you to do, but in all likelihood he just hates seeing you hurt by your mum time and again and can't understand why you go back for more (that's not a criticism, I'm trying to see it how he might). Because his own toxic family are 'usual' to him, he doesn't see it in the same way. When I got together with DH, I was really shocked by how his family operated and found it very hard to deal with. It took me a while to realise that in a different way my own mum wasn't good for me in some ways. Now I'm really happy to say DH have got to the point where we can each recognise the issues with our own families and each other's, and can laugh together at them, or offer hugs/sympathy as appropriate, and we get through it ok. But that self discovery is hard, and even harder is putting in place some boundaries with your own family...
On a money note, I splashed £30 on a dress from my personal spending fund yesterday...we had a black tie do last night which I already had a dress for, but when I put it on a couple of days ago, I quickly realised it wouldn't still fit in two weeks time, when we have another black tie do to go to. So ebay came to the rescue. Still £30 for a full length evening dress is pretty good, when I think what a lot of my normal ones have cost!

Hi just been catching up. I've had a weird week.i have a few financial challenges ahead.

Hope you're okay and .

I am better today - kinky thought about you earlier an article from the GUardian came up on my FB feed called the secret teacher - it was about laying off guilt tripping teachers into having 'holidays' - I thought about and hope you've managed to have some non work holiday time.

Thanks and and glad you are feeling better today. I've worked 4 full days of this holiday, been into work for 2 of them, and feel guilty like I should have done more . So, rather than going in tomorrow feeling on top of it all, am dreading it. It really grinds you down. Spoke to other teachers and found everyone is in the same boat at the moment.

andsmile glad you're feeling better.
Kinky I think you've got to figure out where your 'line' is with work and start drawing it firmly, and then managing other people's expectations. I don't work in teaching, I'm in corporate, but there is always a list a million miles long of stuff that needs doing 'by tomorrow' and I've learnt now to just be incredibly clear about what is possible and what isn't. Generally, people really respect that and if they say 'but it's urgent' my answer is 'ok, either I drop one of these other projects - which one would you like to lose? Or you hire in additional help to get the job done.' Put like that, people usually learn to make a choice and not expect miracles.
We had a bit of a spendy weekend, and bought a pressure washer, for £165. Which seems extravagant, but is actually going to save us a lot of money over the next 3/4 years, plus I found a voucher code and got £10 off. We normally get my car and DH's van washed once a month (£270 a year), plus our motor home gets washed 2/3 times a year (£45 a year), and my Horsebox needs a twice yearly cleanup too (£30 a year). And we needed to get someone in to clean all the green off our patio (about £80). So less the cost of the pressure washer, over the next year we should be £260 better off per year, so over 3 years that's a £780 saving. So I'm looking on it as an investment, rather than a 'spend' as such . Hope everyone has a good week!

kinky hope you are ok, the first day back is never as bad as what we think it is. I hope it's ok. Do you ever read the staffroom on here....it's full of people thathave left or are going throught the same thing. I think teaching is a bit like a dysfunctional relationship - you don't realise how 'bad' it can be until you step back or leave. I do think teaching has an emotional element to it be cause of the sense of responsibility to the young people you teach - someones child....the guilt can easily get to you. Take care kinky

jonty that seems like a really good investment.

Well news here. A bit peed off with DH. I'm really struggling to write my first OU essay fr this module - know it all, just can't get into nice prose in Word. I need to buy a new laptop and have no money set aside as all spare goes on CC including massive overpayments.

DH Salary increase starts this month so we have an good chunk of extra money so we are paying half off mortgage in form of overpayment and half onto debt re-payments (which we are already over-[aying). The overpayment will save us 10k in interest over two years. The extra card payments will cut 6months off consolidation period.

Oh and I'm on day three of no carbs, after an appalling week of over indulging in rubbish and too much wine. This is the first time I've done this. I did go out and buy all the correct foods and it cost £104. I'm not anticpating spending that much every week but accept that I will need to spend more than £50 - probably average out at £75. But then if I'm not popping out to buy wine it shoud all level out.

kinky
FWIW every teacher DH deals with is feeling pretty meh at the moment - they do not know whether they should be teaching AS in September - as it depends on the election

• they wonder what the next bashing of their students will be
• they wonder what the next bashing of them will be
• oh and then they face more years of pay freezes while watching bankers in the trough.

andsmile
lowering carbs is easy - just up your protein and veg - its dirt cheap

Good luck with the no carbs andsmile. I've done 3 weeks of 5:2 now and have lost a kilo and also saved on food bills.

Debt on one card has now been paid off! However, I've just put holiday flights onto it . That will be paid off over the next couple of months though. Am now focusing on the accumulated debt on the other card and it is nice to see the balance start to reduce. Feel as though I've really got to grips with the food budget/meal planning and it has made a big difference to the February budget.

March goals - continue with daily online coin sweep to clear small Next balance & make more savings on daily spends by cycling to work and being organised with lunches.

Jonty that does sound like a good investment :) I have to be honest the most washing my car ever gets is the odd £4 car wash thrown at it at the petrol station when I really can't stand the sight of it anymore!! (Maybe four times a year!) It doesn't get used much though I guess so that's probably about right. I'd love to have a pressure washer... I'm sure I could use it for loads round the garden and house etc.

Andsmile good luck with the no carbs.

Kinky I feel the stress coming through your posts. There really is only so much you can do in a day. Your health and welfare must come first.

I'm okay. Plodding on. Fucked up the weeks shop a bit today. As dh is off this week I got a bit carried away buying too much meat. I should have been tougher and said no we can't have roast lamb and then meat every day as well but I didn't. So I have left myself quite low for the rest of the week. Having said that I have meal planned and got everything we need from tesco so as long as I don't buy anything else food wise we should be okay. Gulp.

I need to get myself some new jeans at some point (not necessarily "new" but new to me). I think I have lost a bit of weight and they keep falling down! I guess that's a good thing :)

Also done a bit of decluttering and actually nearly have the room we use as our junk room free now. Hoping to make this into a sort of laundry room and reclaim the end of the kitchen to get a cheap table from eBay and make it a bit more homely.

How are peeps doing?
Its nice to have daylight at 6.30 am for the next month till the clocks change isn't it

creeps in to whisper that DH has had a job offer today.....trying not to get excited until it's signed and sealed, esp as its lower than expected so he's going to try and talk them up a bit

I'll whoop really quietly then

all of you

JickJak I am smiling on the inside until you confirm...

Well I'm good thank you.

I'm at an interview having purchased a few clothing items from charity shop.

It's a job I'm not sure I want, but now I think I do. And I also want to be wanted!

toes and fingers crossed for Lyinginwait while silently whooping for Jickjak

Good luck lying :)

And congratulations on dhs Jon jickjak!