Debt mutual support thread number 6 ....... start the new year with a clear purpose and keep moving forwards even by tiny steps

[TalkinPeace]

This thread follows on from the last five threads in the series, the most recent of which is here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2193736-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-5-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-is-NOT-an-oncoming-train?

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
The posters on threads, new and experienced, are here to help people get to where they want to be.

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

I don't get any freebies with my phone network

DD came in from school and has taken the card and written on it!

Oh well, I'm sure DH will be thrilled with her updated version. Whatever it is

He's also with O2 so I hope he clocks the deal too. and does a better job of hiding it than me

Well dh got his phone fixed. They replaced the screen free of charge as it was under warranty so I guess at least the bloody thing is sorted now and should be for some time. We argued everything out between us and he has said sorry and that he behaved like an idiot. He said one of the reasons he can sometimes be a bit tougher than I am is because he doesn't want to see the kids end up in a mediocre job like him. I said yes I understand but dd is top in everything more or less and very well thought of so it's just more or the same, she doesn't need pushing she already pushes herself.

So then mum came round and further pissed me off by starting a discussion about her will and saying she has written that her money be split into three between me, my dd and my ds with dd and ds getting their share when they turn 25!! I think that is madness. Considering we remortgaged to enable her to buy her property surely the funds should come back to us and it is up to us to decide how if anything to proportion to the dc. And by proxy long term it will pass to them anyway as everything I own is theirs.

(It's all ridiculous anyway as despite being an old battle axe she is in good health and very active. .. so its mute at the moment anyway).

I don't particularly get on with my mum at the moment but we used to be very close and it feels like a massive kick in the teeth, either like she doesn't care about me or that she doesn't trust me as a parent to make sure dc would be okay!

So embarrassingly I ended up bursting into tears (!) And mum and I ended up shouting at each other and it all went a bit pear shaped. I think all my stress just came out in one go. When she went I let dh deal with ds and dd and I just sat on the kitchen floor and cried for ages. I am calmer now. I really feel very on the edge today.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Wills are horrible things.
When MiL died the utter betrayal in hers was something DH will never get over.
Best to remind your mum that she's not dead yet and you'll contest it anyway - that tends to stop such prattle.

Glad the phone was free - apart from the travel costs ... and did he have any food while out? or drink ?

Thanks tip. Wills are just awful aren't they. Sorry to hear about the trouble your dh had :(. It's so hurtful.

Ha.... well dh had a lovely coffee in Costa (!) And a burger from kfc on the way home....! So he had a nice little day "off" really.

On the plus side he has sold some bits on ebay this evening and has decided we can use that money to pay for the terms fees for the toddler group for ds and he has also said dd can have some of it for her day out on Saturday. ...!

Ask him to write down exactly how much that phone repair cost.
2 x train fare
1 x costs
1 x KFC
anything else ?

and he is earning what to pay off the debts ?

FFS
If I go into town I park on the edge in the 2 hour free zone, walk in fast, get what I need and leave.
I never buy food out when shopping.
If I want coffee I wait till I'm home
that is why I'm not in debt for crying out loud

Yes you're right tip. I reckon he spent about £30 all in all today just getting it all done.

Jeez - fussy eater but can happily tolerate kfc and Costa

In debt, has latest gadgets and won't go to interview for bigger position

I don't want to round on you and insult you but really! If he lives in a house with water dripping thought the ceiling how on earth can he justify his behaviour?

It sounds much like my XH. I used to be counting the pennies and selling stuff on eBay, he'd be treating himself to McDonalds, clothes and CDs as he felt he deserved it. Cock.

He worked 50 hours as a driver (courier on shifts) and would just hide stuff from me in the end.

This is making me cross all over again.

Oh fairy I feel for you. Wills bring out the worst in some people and motives can be hard to understand. Bottom line though is that it's her money but perhaps you could explain your concerns about the children getting their money at 25 and try to compromise?

Marking place and waving from underneath the mega pile of work I am trying to get through.

Thanks all... jickjak that's kind of where I ended up with mum. I said to her maybe if she's determined to leave something direct to gdc then make sure it's more when they are 30 - she seemed to think it would be fine for them to have it if she died when they were 18+ which I think is too young. I know everyone is different but I don't feel I really grew up until about 29 ish. Part of that is actually due to the fact my gran did the same thing my mum wants to do and left me some money so to be honest I never really felt like I had to go out and work for it - and that's partly why I find myself in such a mess now. I want my dc to have a really good work ethic and to feel they have to earn nice things. It's all a bit if a minefield really and of course it's her money / house etc so I can't tell her what to do. And I respect that. I just feel hurt. She kept waffling on saying that she "respects" dd (11) and trusts that she would use the money wisely.....! I hate the inference that somehow I don't respect my own dd by saying that she's 11 of course she doesn't have a clue what she'd do with a lump sum of money! I think my mum's on another planet sometimes.

I've woke up today feeling really angry with mum and really angry with dh. And quite lonely really. :( I don't feel anyone is really on the same page with me (not here, I mean in real life).

Lying I feel your frustration re my dh. And I appreciate the support. It's difficult for me because this is my third marriage / long term relationship (my first was to dds dad and that was a horrible one for lots of reasons, we were together 7 years, then I left him and met and married someone else who later left me for an ex girlfriend he had before me and he just disappeared into thin air and now I've been with my dh here for nearly 6 years). My previous marriages were very similar to the type of financial disaster you describe. This one is different in that we are very open with each other financially we just aren't very good at managing our spending. I think I'm getting there before him and yes he should get a better job but because of his anxiety issues etc it would be a disaster for him to get something and then have a breakdown because he can't cope. So I guess we are trying to function within the confines of our own limitations.

Today I've been to the park with ds and home again. My heart feels pretty low today with stuff about my mum.

Hope everyone else is having a better time of it x

Fairy I'm in a right mess today. Wish we lived nearby I'd happily share some Mr kiplings. I feel scared and lonely. I think I have social anxiety - I feel I've taken a few hits recently and can't get back up.

Sorry you guys are having a hard time.

The money for our car sale has now gone in. we'll collect the new one tomorrow. We're going to keep 5k aside in case I don't find a job straight away. So as of today our debts are:

Sofa finance 1112
Cc1 4300
Cc2 2100
Cc3 10100

All 0%. £17612 in total

Andsmile have lots of virtual Mr kiplings and some big hugs - I have awful social anxiety myself. It is totally crippling and to be honest one of the main reasons I decided to become a sahm rather than keep working (although that was also motivated by physical health and situations too). I just really struggle around people. Being on here is fine because there is no pressure or expectation. But real life is really hard. Sometimes even picking up the phone to organise something is very difficult for me. I am very much a social recluse now. I used to drink very very heavily to leave my shell as it were but I haven't drank anything at all for the 6 years I've been with dh now as he is also teetotal so in some ways my social anxiety has become worse... my health is better however.

I'm waffling. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Cross posted with you lying ..... I think it's hard to see it in black and white. But the main thing is you have a plan. You will get there.

Fairy and andsmile I only have one Mr Kipling Viennese whirl left bloody kids but you are welcome to share it x

Thanks ....we'll yes kids shouted at, bottle of rose open.

Hi all just popping in. Suffering with ongoing health problem at the moment has cost me so far 55 (gp) + 15 (bloods) + 25 (repeat bloods) + approx 30 in antibiotics x 3. Today took dc's with me for review visit ended up costing 80 (gp) & 100 in medicine as both have infections & I needed more too :( sorry for butt in but that was my electricity bill money so looks like I need to borrow from family this month after all !!

snowie welcome. Could you phone the electricity supplier, explain what has happened and ask if you could defer payment for a few weeks? They can be quite helpful as long as it's a one-off.
fairy and andsmile and and . I'm going through quite a bit of anxiety and self-doubt at the moment myself, and bloody pregnancy hormones are not helping. Worried about paying off debt, worried about saving enough, worried about buying all baby stuff (nearly there thank god), hating what's happening to my body and not feeling like me, which is affecting my self confidence, worried about my job as it looks like there'll be a restructure while I'm off in maternity so I might get made redundant. It's overwhelming. And I sound like a right miserable cow when I should be immensely grateful for everything that's good and right in my life at the moment. So having typed all that out, I'm going to go for a walk with the dog and take time to think of all the good stuff and appreciate how fortunate I am, and then perform what feels like miracles again by getting the weekly shop for under £30, again.
Breathes out......

What's everyone got on this weekend?

Dh and I are both working tomorrow then then the kids are off to their Dads. We have a £20 meal deal from M&S.

Well walk the dogs and swim. That'll be about it!

I'm panic cleaning. I'm on a Fred about it. 20/10 principle.

Post better later when I can get MacBook to fucking work again.

Have an odd weekend planned.
It involves the alarm clock going off at 6am Saturday and 5am Sunday

My weekend will involve freezing my arse off in the park. Walking to tesco and back. Eating a shed load of things I probably shouldn't . And trying to spend as little as possible as I am now out of money until Monday.

Livin' the high life.

Dd is set to have a good weekend however. She is out with her friends tomorrow and my mum is taking her to the cinema on Sunday to see that big 6 film or whatever it is with the big white puff ball thing.

Jonty hormones are horrid things.

Weekend will involve dp away on a stag weekend so me and the 2 cats cleaning the house and dp has bought me a steak and stuffed mushrooms and a bottle of wine as my treat for tomorrow nights tea even though he's not here :-) doesn't do too badly now and then - but valentines is an odd one for us as it was 2 years ago today I miscarried so it's also a little emotional too :-(
definitely can't beat a Mr kiplING caramel shortcake - mouth is watering at the thought :-)
Cleaner at work called in sick today - so I stayed the extra 2.5 hours she usually is in for and will get paid overtime for it, jokingly said I'll do this every week (but not really joking) but don't think that'd happen - all the extra pennies will bring down the credit card yay :-)