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Original poster

Don't want to pay my boyfriend 'rent' in his house?

174 replies

litterbugkid · 16/10/2014 16:18

Hello.

My boyfriend is looking to move from his flat as it is being sold towards the end of this year and has the money to purchase his own place. Because of this reason we are planning to live together in this new house.

I currently live at home which is commuting distance to Central London so if I were to move in with my boyfriend the only reason would be to live with him. I am currently paying £200 a month to my parents to cover some bills and food.

My issue is, my boyfriend is expecting me to pay about £300 rent with bills being extra. This for me is not a viable option because I believe paying rent when I don't need to is a waste of money and I can just continue living at home and saving up for when we buy a house later. He also said that if we end up getting married later on, this £300 a month will go towards my share of the house, if we break up I'd lose it. I don't really like this gamble.

I also gave the option of me buying the house with him under a sort of custom contract where I'd put in as much deposit as I can, and he pay the rest (he can afford to anyway since he was planning on sole ownership), with some clause where I'd continue to pay him monthly so that eventually we end up with equal ownership of the property by the time payments are complete. This way we both end up with property and I feel like we are starting a life together in our own place. My boyfriend feels that he'd rather us trial living together before this 'joint mortgage', and buy a house together if/when we get married. He also said that if we broke up he cant be sure that I won't sell my share to him, and I said I'd be willing to put down in a contract that if we broke up I will sell it back to him at market value. He would have the money to buy me out straightaway if this happened. I feel my option benefits us both whereas the rent idea only benefits him.

I have tried to be okay with the option paying rent but I just can't see how I'll ever be happy with it, and every month I'll just be quietly seething and angry when I hand over the money. And I also don't like the thought of my boyfriend being my LL as well.

Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable? What's the solution here?

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 20/10/2014 21:28

I wouldn't go that far Bear. I think the compromise that has been reached is fair, and as long as it didn't drag on I can't see the big issue.

Hear hear pancakes!

LilMissSunshine9 · 20/10/2014 21:29

Well it does Furby since you made it about paying your own way - so let's see how far does paying your own way mean then because you went on to say you believe in paying your own way and being independent - that doesn't stop at just a roof over your head.

Well I am not ashamed I went back to live at home and nor should anyone else who did either. Just goes to show your a very judgemental person and that you are better than us because you didn't go back to live at home.

Well do you think the same about people on benefits Furby as they don't earn their own money and pay for the roof over their heads? I asked you this before but you didn't respond.

sanfairyanne · 20/10/2014 21:30

my kids can live at home rent free as long as they want. a percentage towards bills and food sounds reasonable. i dont see why my kids should pay my mortgage for me (which will be paid off anyway by then)
so i can see why her parents just ask for £200

mellicauli · 20/10/2014 21:32

Ask him if he would be prepared to rent from you. Bet the answer is no, in which case why is he suggesting you do it!

myfurbyisalive · 20/10/2014 21:34

But op will nkt be paying noting towards it will she! It will be going into a joint savings account

It will go into her savings account and if they split up her boyfriend gets nothing. Incredibly fair set up.

Sunshine you've clearly got a bee in your bonnet, stop involving random crap about presents and benefits into the equation. It's irrelevant.

Bearbehind · 20/10/2014 21:35

I disagree harold but each to their own.

Paying money into a joint account which he could bugger off with at any point and earning, at best, a pitiful interest rate on it rather than the potential increase in equity on a property is bonkers.

oP, if you've been approved for a mortgage, why don't you buy your own place, near your boyfriend if you want, and see how the relationship goes?

That way you're not out on a limb if it all goes tits up and you are far more independent.

QuintessentiallyQS · 20/10/2014 21:41

Buy your own place, you are much better off getting on the housing ladder than paying his mortgage for him.

LilMissSunshine9 · 20/10/2014 21:43

You want it to be irrelevant because if your previously half response is anything to go buy then basically your just full of bullshit really. Oh and since you don't want to respond to my question about whether you think people who are on benefits are freeloaders because they too aren't paying their own way says it all really, happy to keep on and on at OP about being a freeloader though.

myfurbyisalive · 20/10/2014 21:52

In what way am I full of bullshit?? You really are bizzare. Because I chose to live independently rather than with my parents it means I should not receive gifts or should ask for an itemised receipt so I can spend exactly the same on them in return? ODFOD.

People on benefits who don't work are not paying their own way, someone is paying for them. Hope this puts your burning desire to know my opinion on the subject to rest.

ProveMeWrong · 20/10/2014 22:00

Hi OP. I'd stop reading this thread before mumsnet mafia start picking your relationship apart. You've figured out a sensible and fair way to split it which covers you both in the worst case scenario but doesn't make either of you feel resentful right now.

I think it's a good idea not to jump into a mortgage before living together. Mortgage is almost as big a commitment as marriage and I think it's a bit crap to become a joint owner of a house you may not have chosen for yourself had you been there at the outset to choose. Plus, if you buy later you may be able to get a first time mortgage deal in your name! (On thin ground here! No expert!)

Fwiw I proposed my oh rent from me when we first got together when I wanted to get on the property ladder but he didn't feel ready to buy. The two nuances were that a) he didn't show willing to join the deposit which I offered and b) he needed somewhere to rent, he didn't have a parent's house option. In the end, he bit the bullet and joined me in the deposit after going out for only 6 months! Happily married now for 5 years so the nay sayers are wrong, having a conservative nature to financial decisions doesn't mean your relationship is doomed! ;-)

LilMissSunshine9 · 20/10/2014 22:04

Furby you really do have an issue understanding what people say in their posts. YOU have constantly over a number of posts berated OP because she is a freeloader not willing to pay her own way unlike yourself who does. That is what I am talking to you about - the fact that you keep saying you are independent and pay your own way - therefore if you are to say you pay your own way then that means you also pay your own way when it comes to holidays etc. That is why I asked you and why it is relevant because you cannot claim to be paying your own way if you then allow other half to pay for your holidays or accept expensive gifts and you then don't spend the same value on a gift back.

myfurbyisalive · 20/10/2014 22:12

You are right sunshine.

Living rent free in someone elses house is equal to receiving an expensive gift for a birthday.

I thought I was an independent person but how can I be when I accept gifts people buy me on my birthday?

HaroldLloyd · 20/10/2014 22:18

She isn't living rent free though is she, for the love of Jeff.

HaroldLloyd · 20/10/2014 22:19

Furby calling other posters bizarre? Heavens.

LilMissSunshine9 · 20/10/2014 22:20

ofgs the principle is the same about being financially independent as you say you are.

If a friend spends £250 on a present for you then being a person who claims to pay their own way I would expect you would spend a similar if not the same amount on them. If you other half wants to go on holiday I would expect you to then pay half. If you rent a place together then you both equally share the cost of the rent and bills. If you go food shopping together than being you a financially independent person would then pay half of the shopping bill.

Is my point clear enough now? You cannot claim to be a person who believe in independence and paying their own way if you do not do the above.

myfurbyisalive · 20/10/2014 22:24

If someone buys me an expensive gift should I throw it on the floor and spit in their face screaming 'I'm an independent woman!!!' ? What is the correct procedure? I only ask as you seem to have all the answers on what is deemed to be 'paying your own way' and the term 'independent.' If you could provide me your own definitions so I can start living my life accordingly that would be great.

Gift giving does not come into paying your own way, it's stupid to bring it up. Holidays, food, bills etc yes but not gifts for birthdays xmas or whatever.

HaroldLloyd · 20/10/2014 22:34

You have to make like Beyoncé and dance in a circle shrieking all the hunniez r making munniez.

LilMissSunshine9 · 20/10/2014 22:50

I didn't say you have throw it on the floor I clearly said in my example that if they buy you an expensive then you would also buy them one of equal value back on their bday etc.

myfurbyisalive · 20/10/2014 22:58

and I clearly said gift giving on special occasions has nothing to do with 'paying your own way in life.' I am sure most people would agree.

Original poster
litterbugkid · 21/10/2014 12:21

Thanks everyone, topic closed hint

OP posts:
Yackityyakyak · 21/10/2014 12:56

Good luck with that, Litter! Wink

Hope it all works out, and well done for being sensible with your financial future!!

YorkshireGeorgia · 10/11/2014 10:56

I feel for you, as it sounds like your BF is making this very awkward. Having been burned many times myself (and not learning the lessons!) I would advise you to end this relationship.

In my experience, when these kind of issues are difficult, and you can't have straight forward honest, open discussions with an underlying attitude of love and generosity ... then it doesn't bode well for the future.

Your BF is being stingy and lacks generosity, love and kindness towards you. He is not affording to buy the property based on your contribution, and is not planning to afford it by getting a lodger if you don't move in ... he's buying it anyway. Don't you want your future husband and potential father of your children to be generous because he wants to - rather than because you have to negotiate your position and force his hand?

Is the man head over heels in love with you, and you with him, and is he dying for you to live together and be together asap? That's what love feels like - it's not a business transaction.

Greengrow · 10/11/2014 13:44
  1. Clearly you are not ready to buy a property together and that is very wise. It is almost as big a commitment as marriage and best put off until you are sure.
  2. If you are hoping for a proposal down the line it may be best to stay with your parents for now and see how the relationship goes as you don't want to pay rent.
  3. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend and paid some rent to him and that was fine for both - she'd been renting anyway and they both earn quite a bit. They then got married last year and then bought somewhere together and earn similar amounts so it's all quite fair. There is just no one right way for people - everyone is different.

There may be some advantages to not staying over very often anyway - more personal space for you each and freedom. You could stay 2 nights a week say and build up.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you both thinking about these kinds of things. Far too many mumsnetters rush into relationships without talking with their partner about who money will be handled, who will mind the children, if their partner is a sexist pig who expects women to do all the cleaning and give up work and all the rest. Much better to have financial conversations before you move in. My children's father asked us for a cohabitation agreement when his girl friend moved in to his owned house, which we provided. It is a very useful document before someone moves in and it states in writing who pays for what. I think they are a very good idea. I don't think they are inconsistent with love. In fact it is probably unwise to end up with a man or women who is not sensible about finance and fairness.

grandmainmypocket · 16/11/2014 08:59

I know this is not what this thread is about, but.......
What is wrong with living with your parents and paying such a small amount. They're her parents? ! These accusations of being a freeloader are unfair. When did society get this way?

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