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Original poster

Don't want to pay my boyfriend 'rent' in his house?

174 replies

litterbugkid · 16/10/2014 16:18

Hello.

My boyfriend is looking to move from his flat as it is being sold towards the end of this year and has the money to purchase his own place. Because of this reason we are planning to live together in this new house.

I currently live at home which is commuting distance to Central London so if I were to move in with my boyfriend the only reason would be to live with him. I am currently paying £200 a month to my parents to cover some bills and food.

My issue is, my boyfriend is expecting me to pay about £300 rent with bills being extra. This for me is not a viable option because I believe paying rent when I don't need to is a waste of money and I can just continue living at home and saving up for when we buy a house later. He also said that if we end up getting married later on, this £300 a month will go towards my share of the house, if we break up I'd lose it. I don't really like this gamble.

I also gave the option of me buying the house with him under a sort of custom contract where I'd put in as much deposit as I can, and he pay the rest (he can afford to anyway since he was planning on sole ownership), with some clause where I'd continue to pay him monthly so that eventually we end up with equal ownership of the property by the time payments are complete. This way we both end up with property and I feel like we are starting a life together in our own place. My boyfriend feels that he'd rather us trial living together before this 'joint mortgage', and buy a house together if/when we get married. He also said that if we broke up he cant be sure that I won't sell my share to him, and I said I'd be willing to put down in a contract that if we broke up I will sell it back to him at market value. He would have the money to buy me out straightaway if this happened. I feel my option benefits us both whereas the rent idea only benefits him.

I have tried to be okay with the option paying rent but I just can't see how I'll ever be happy with it, and every month I'll just be quietly seething and angry when I hand over the money. And I also don't like the thought of my boyfriend being my LL as well.

Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable? What's the solution here?

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 16/10/2014 20:46

What a strange thing to join a parenting forum to ask.

Original poster
litterbugkid · 16/10/2014 20:47

@teacher54321

What the hell are you talking about? When did I say i didn't want to subsidise him?

OP posts:
WeddingPlanner · 16/10/2014 20:48

2210343-My-friends-new-DP-wants-her-to-sign-away-any-future-claim-on-their-flat

Very similar thread recently with some great points.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 16/10/2014 20:52

Coincidentally there is a thread with a slightly different perspective, which may, or may not, be useful
Link

teacher54321 · 16/10/2014 20:59

You're saying that you don't want to pay rent to him. You don't want to subsidise his living costs (or split them fairly-depending on which way you look at it). I cannot imagine moving in with a partner who paid £600 a month mortgage and £200 a month bills and only paying £100 for the bills. It's not fair. Why should you benefit, you'd be his housemate effectively. HE is buying the flat on his own, when you buy a flat together, then you both go on the deeds. If you were contributing deposit and if you were on the mortgage then of course you should be on the deeds.

teacher54321 · 16/10/2014 21:01

But we're obviously coming at this from absolute opposite perspectives. I can't imagine living with my parents past 18 when I left home and I rented for 15 years until we finally bought a house this year.

Mintyy · 16/10/2014 21:05

Haven't we just had this exact same question quite recently - almost word for word?

Agree that if op was male we'd be calling him a cock lodger Confused. Mumsnet is a funny old place at times.

BuggersMuddle · 16/10/2014 21:12

OP In the nicest possible way, are you quite young? Are your parents happy for you to be at home paying a minimal contribution?

If yes, then I would stay where you are and build up a deposit, but build a plan & target timeline for getting your own place if that's what you're looking for.

How long have you and BF been together?

Original poster
litterbugkid · 16/10/2014 21:22

@BuggersMuddle

Regardless of how old I am, my parents are happy with the situation.

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2.5 years.

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 16/10/2014 21:51

Fair enough - if everyone's happy with the status quo, why change it for a situation you're unhappy with.

The reason I asked about the length of relationship was that if it was very new (and / or you were very young), you would be absolutely mad to move in and start paying towards his mortgage while giving up your own opportunity to save.

Having said that 2.5 years is hardly rushing into thing (DP and I bought a place together after 2.5 years, albeit we did live together prior to that).

Is he willing to compromise? I can understand that he wouldn't want to subsidise you indefinitely, but could you compromise on a 'trial period' of living together with a view to buying together / marriage at the end of this?

It's often hard to form a view from an OP, but from what you've said (he'll give you your 'share' if / when you get married) I would be concerned that he's more on the 'if' and less with the 'when'. It does sound like he wants you to move in and help him out, but isn't really promising much beyond 'marriage one day'. I wouldn't be totally comfortable with that.

(Incidentally, we bought together aged 24 after 2.5 year but we both had flats and lived together in one of them prior to buying together which made things easier I knew exactly how annoying his laundry habits were and still are).

BuggersMuddle · 16/10/2014 21:52

Gah, repeating myself, but you get the idea Grin

YackityYakYak · 17/10/2014 12:06

It's not the same as a lodger.

A lodger would have their own room, whereas she would be sharing the same room as her boyfriend.

Quite a bit different.

If you were already renting somewhere, and you were changing that to just moving in with him I could understand the argument about you paying the rent to him.

But you're not, you're at home with your parents, saving money for your own deposit. Why should you change those plans for someone else.

I agree with you, in this instance, op.

firesidechat · 17/10/2014 12:09

We charge my daughter a pittance to live at home so that she can afford to move out sooner rather than later. When she moves in with her boyfriend I hope she will agree to pay her way like most of us have to. I would expect that to include a small amount for rent and a share of all the bills.

Bluegrass · 17/10/2014 12:37

I agree that other way round he'd be called a cocklodger.

He has risked a deposit on this place (so potential opportunity cost of not investing elsewhere) and he is servicing interest on a debt. At this stage I expect that the majority of his monthly payment is servicing that debt, with only a small part repaying capital.

I wonder what percentage of your £300 would actually contribute to the capital? You talk about gaining equity, but what if the value of the place dropped and he went into negative equity? Would you be making up a shortfall and paying him more if you wanted to get out, or do you just want to take the benefit of any gains but without taking the risks? That's having your cake and eating it.

Paying your bills is a given, but having a roof over you head is a separate cost and once you go out into the world as an adult you have to expect to pay for it, not consider yourself such a prize that someone else should pay it on your behalf just for the pleasure of your company.

Original poster
litterbugkid · 17/10/2014 13:23

@Bluegrass

You actually make a good point.
I was worried that I'd be helping him pay off his mortgage with none of the gains i.e. equity, but you're right in saying that the majority of that may be interest and not capital.

OP posts:
professornangnang · 17/10/2014 14:53

Even if you were only paying 300 a month including bills, for example, that's a huge saving for you as market rent for a one bed flat can be as much as 900. I think that what your bf is asking is reasonable.

DaisyFlowerChain · 17/10/2014 18:35

Gotta love MN, a male wanting to move in with his girlfriend and not pay for the housing gets called all sorts but when it's the other way round its perfectly ok Hmm

He'd be better off on his own then with somebody who expects to be provided for.

TheHoneyBadger · 17/10/2014 18:44

looks like it's already been said but yes, if this was a woman writing about her boyfriend (who was still being subsidised by parents as an adult) wanted to move in with her rent free we'd be calling cocklodger and telling her to be sure he wasn't on the mortgage and couldn't make any claim on the property.

LynetteScavo · 17/10/2014 18:53

But OP won't be on the mortage - I think that's the point.

I've already said I wouldn't want a boyfriend to pay rent on my place. Contribute to bills etc, yes, but if I wanted him there, I wouldn't expect, or even want him to pay rent like a lodger.

LynetteScavo · 17/10/2014 18:54

Obviously if both parties are on the mortgage/ tenancy, it would be completely different.

HaroldLloyd · 17/10/2014 18:55

I would expect to pay half running costs, bills etc and for bits like furniture which was jointly owned.

As I had no equity building up in the house, I would want to be saving the equivalent of the rent each month, if it goes tits up I'd have that for a new house.

If you end up getting married or viewing the house as a joint asset in the future and get put on the deeds, you have a nest egg to be used jointly.

Win-win as he saves money anyway by you contributing to running costs.

wannabestressfree · 17/10/2014 19:13

It's clear that you aren't on the same page about moving in. If he wanted you too he would negotiate. I can see both your points but you come across as clinical in your refusal to contribute to the housing.
I would just wait and see what happens.

TheHoneyBadger · 17/10/2014 19:20

i suppose what may be going on (and we're not mind readers) is that he's concerned about a sense of entitlement he's observed and needing to know you can actually pay your way and not expect to be carried. that 'trial' run may include a need to see that before he's willing to commit further.

smellycandles · 17/10/2014 19:28

'I don't want to pay rent if I don't have to.'

Welcome to real life. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to subsidise you. Maybe he would if you were in a serious relationship and you were his partner or wife.

I agree, if the sexes were reversed the responses would be very different.

clarinsgirl · 17/10/2014 19:29

If you would like to live with your boyfriend, move in with him and pay your way. If not, stay at home. Personally I'd feel very uncomfortable living somewhere if I was not paying my share.