Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

Oh Sweetie.

Rant on here (but maybe not IRL). Process it here with the wonderful women of MN who can help.

Hugs to you.
xxxx

I hope your counsellor is able to help you find the peace you need.

I get that this is a safe and anonymous place to rant but please try not to hold your personal tragedy against them.

Sending you a handhold for now and hoping that when ready future attempts may be successful.

I’m so sorry OP. My best friend has just announced another pregnancy and it devastated me. I had to have a TFMR last year the one and only time I got pregnant and while I am of course pleased for my friend I was shocked at the absolute anger and rage I felt at the unfairness of the situation.

I wish nothing but happiness for my friend but I am very angry at the world and to be honest I think I’m allowed to be. So are you.

@SpringLobelia thank you, I feel so bad about how I’m feeling.

i prayed for them to have a healthy pregnancy but it’s hard for me to feel happy and I know that’s not right, I don’t know how to let go of these feelings x

@Spirallingdownwards i really hope so, I’m not sure hope much counselling helps tbh but will give it a go.

im not holding it against them, it’s just so hard to watch your dreams play out in someone else’s life, we’d been trying for 8 years and this was our first pregnancy after IVF x

@Duh thats I sad I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

the feelings are so intense, I’ve tried to let go of it but I just can’t and don’t know how to process it tbh, it’s not that I’m not happy for them it just feels so unfair, we spent 8 years trying and it was our first pregnancy after IVF , I had a major hemorrhage in surgery to remove the baby and I nearly died, it’s just not fair that life is so hard, and now I have the complications of still healing before we can try again and still have a lot to mentally process.

its so easy for some people I don’t know how to not be angry with the world xx

I'm sorry for your los. When I was in a similar position a few years ago I had to delete all my social media accounts and withdraw from certain friendships (some of which never recovered). It's harsh but do what you need to protect yourself and give yourself space.

The comments from your friends husband were just so insensitive, I don't think I'd want much to do with them after that.

I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s all very raw for you.

Do you think you need to step away from socials for a bit? It’s not this couples fault, they probably feel awkward but understandably want to communicate their news. You shouldn’t direct your anger at them (but I can understand why it would be so hard to deal with).

I hope the counselling affords you some peace and I hope your dreams are met in future OP.

Oh love, IVF is so hard and demoralising at times. I know exactly how you feel and lived it many times when we were trying.

I think speaking to your counsellor is a fab idea - grief and hardship can sneak up on you just as you feel you're ready to turn the corner.

FWIW I don't think you should call time on the friendship for this, but it's ok to respectfully distance yourself a little for the time being. Self preservation is key in the IVF game.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending strength for any future attempts.

Sorry you've been going through this OP.
I think - try not to be too hard on yourself. Seeing your friends announcing their happy pregnancies is bound to be triggering and I'm not surprised you were upset TBH.

Hopefully your counselling will help - and possibly still worth attending for a while - even if you don't feel you need it. Learning to cope with other peoples happy news about babies will be something that takes you time.

If these people are true friends I'm sure they will understand and it does sound they have tried to be considerate of you but naturally they will be excited about their baby so they are bound to post stuff about it.... maybe you can just mute them on social media for a while?

Wish you the best of luck going forward and fingers crossed you will get your healthy baby in the future.

@Gweither i asked her last week to give me space as it’s all too much for me to emotionally deal with, and she keeps calling and messaging me, it’s so hard.

sorry you went through it too.

im okay with other pregnancies and babies the problem with this one is it’s the same time frame and I’m struggling to separate it from “that should be be now” or “this is how far along I should be” x

OP didn't you post the other day about how shitty they are treating you and everyone told you to cut them out of your life? Just unfriend them on Facebook, they've awful people.

Just wanted to echo what others have said really. Going through the process of trying and failing to get pregnant really does a number on you, and can make you feel like you're insane. People who haven't been through it themselves will just never get it! And you only had a rant to your husband it's not like you texted a load of abuse to your friend so try not to beat yourself up about it on top of feeling shit already. Sending you hugs ❤️

@Alwaysalwayscold yes I did, I’ve asked them to give me space and she keeps calling which is frustrating, I’m trying to cut them off without annoying my husband completely, we spoke and he understands some of how I feel but not all of it, I said I have no problem with him seeing them.

im definitely not going to see them, I’ve now found out hot to mute them on Facebook so I never have to see their posts, their Facebook post has just added to how i was already feeling which is probably why it made me so upset and angry x

I honestly don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, OP. You can’t control how you feel, you can only control your actions, which you’ve done; you have not been unpleasant or spiteful to this couple, nor have you wished them ill. You’ve behaved brilliantly.

On the other hand, they have behaved thoughtlessly. He made a very crass comment. She should not be ringing you when you have politely requested space.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, I had a MMC after IVF and similar announcements hit me so hard, I really sympathise with how you’re feeling.

I hope the counselling helps, I never took it up and often wonder if I should’ve done.

Sending you lots of love x

@Cocoandcleo thank you, that’s made me feel a lot better, it so hard and the emotions are so complexed, feeling guilty about the feelings just makes it all worse, it’s been a hard 8 years of trying, losing this baby has been so incredibly hard, i really hope she does respect me by giving me the space that I need but I don’t think she will sadly x

@PastorCarrBonarra thank you, I did have a massive rant to my husband and cried for hours.

i really do hope she respects the space that I’ve asked for, she said to another friend that she is going to keep calling me even if I don’t answer in the hope that I will, it makes is all feel worse and I don’t want to keep seeing her name and thinking of it all x

@Changingplace so sorry you went through it. It really does floor you after IVF it’s so hard you’ve already been through so much to even get pregnant.

was there anything you did that helped you to heal? X

There is no logic to any of the emotions around miscarriage and infertility. I remember being blindingly furious with a friend who was talking about her fertility struggles when all I could think was 'you have a child already, why can't you be happy with them when you know I have nothing?' I didn't say anything to her at the time, but in turn she was upset when I became pregnant and it hadn't worked for her. I also had IVF and she was quite disapproving of that, when natural conception just wasn't possible for me.

I am so sorry for your loss.

@Latenightreader to be honest I would of probably felt exactly the same as how you felt. Why was she dissaproaving out of curiosity? X

I'm sorry for your loss, I had an early miscarriage a few years ago and remember the pain when a friend who wasn't trying got pregnant just after I'd had the loss, I left Facebook and haven't really used it since, much better for my mental health!

I think you can block numbers on your phone, that should stop you seeing the calls if seeing her name hurts too much. She sounds pretty clueless thinking she can talk to you and make you feel better when you've asked for space

@justanotherlaura sorry this happened to you too.

i think I might have to block her number as a last resort atleased just for now, I think I’m okay and then she calls and it reminds me all over again, and she doesn’t just call once if I don’t answer she will call 3 or 4 times in one day as well as text x

Did she call you three or four times a day before this? It just seems so excessive and even if she's trying to be well meaning, she's being ignorant in wanting to keep talking about her pregnancy. I can't help but think it feels weirdly deliberate. I was the pregnant friend in your scenario and I backed off to give my friend space to grieve her loss. Your DH needs to have a word with her to do the same.

It's a very difficult situation I too lost a baby and my sister in law and friend both announced that they were expecting a baby.In no way would I have been angry or upset as they certainly didn't do it just to cause upset Nor would I have considered blocking them or taking time away
It's crappy,it's life and to be so jealous is only hurting you
I think the therapist idea is a good thing