Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

@MrsAnon6 they haven’t been great tbh, the lack of empathy and lack of space has been hard x

@Neodymium that’s so sad for your friend, sorry to hear that. Nice that her pregnant friend understood her boundaries x

Maybe take a break from social media. It doesn’t seem to be helping. The fact that you are checking updates etc when you are out for a meal is not healthy. Distance yourself from these people. They sound pretty toxic.

Your advice is nonsensical, on par with a troll really. Perhaps you need to lean away from posting tripe on the Internet.

Could you be kind to yourself & distance yourself from pregnant friends just now. That all sounds too raw to be putting yourself through that. If shes a good friend she’ll understand x hand hold❤️

You are chatting utter shite, and rather unpleasant !

I couldn't forgive them saying that you ruined their pregnancy announcement. That's just rubbing your nose in it. Get rid. And hugs xx

Crass??? Fucking hell you are unhinged! What a hateful, horrible post! Reported and it better get deleted!!

@Alicewinn it definitely it too raw right now, I hope I feel differently later on as it’s sad I feel like I’ve not only lost my baby but also a friend x

Sweetheart, please don't pay any attention to the horrible posters. There are some right so-and-so's on this site, and they aren't worth passing the time of day on.

Of course it's not bloody fair that she can have 4 while you are struggling to have 1! Life is totally unfair! It took us 3.5 years to conceive our first - we were months off the IVF list - and we were so fortunate. I also had 2 m/cs trying to conceive our 3rd, and again, we were blessed.

I don't blame you for being angry at the world. I would be. I was. My sister was pregnant with a baby she didn't want, while I lost the baby I did want, and we were due within days of each other. That was hard! My sister adores her child now, but she had no intention of being pregnant when she was and was in total denial.

You look after you. Don't let the nasties upset you - the feckers are everywhere but we can all see them.

I really truly do hope you get your heart's desire, and that you don't have to wait too much longer before you do xx

@Runnerinthenight this comment has been hard to forget, I think it’s also one of the reasons that I’ve felt such anger after seeing the announcement, as I feel like I’ve ruined it for them, I know that sounds bad, I am happy for them (well as happy as a grieving woman can be) I’m just devastated and the comments and the constant phone calls have probably made all of my feelings more intense, it’s like I’ve got to breaking point and just want to be left alone.

i will be fine I know, I will get stronger just right now it hurts a lot.

thanks ❤️x

They are selfish, insensitive twats @Francescarae. Tell them you need space and mean it.

My two BFFs tried to convince me that there were positives in not having children, while one had one child and the other had two. I think they were trying to be supportive but they really bloody weren't!!

Stuff "ruining" anything! Of course you haven't! They've already had 3 go's at this as well. I wouldn't expect you to be one bit happy for them, because it's really bloody unfair, and they are rubbing your nose in it. Hugs xx

It’s over 20 years since my first IVF (I have 2 teenagers) so I can’t remember much about how I managed the awful feelings, but I remember the misery as if it was yesterday. Whenever I met up with friends I had an absolute dread of hearing the words “I’ve got some news….” and having to stick a smile on my face and congratulate them. I became very good at spotting when people were pregnant, so that I could mentally prepare myself for the inevitable announcement.

The clinic I used had a chat forum, which was a lifesaver for me. Everyone going through the same thing. I remember someone started a thread entitled “I hate this jealous feeling”, and it was so cathartic, all of us sharing the horror.

I really sympathise with your situation, because my way of coping with each failed cycle or miscarriage (and there were many) was to start again as soon as I could. The waiting you’re experiencing must be torture.

And I just focused on being as healthy as I could, eating well, exercising, all the usual stuff. I used to allow myself 24 hours of misery and comfort-eating after each disappointment, and then I’d be back in the healthy routine. It sounds punitive, but it gave me a positive focus.

And as I said, I stepped back from people who I felt might hurt me. I once visited a friend who had 3 young children. She commented that my earrings matched my skirt (pure chance) and said “you’ve got too much time on your hands”. I actively avoided her for a few weeks after that.

Never ever reproach yourself for the angry jealous feelings you may have. I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, but nothing came closer to breaking me than IVF.

I had - still have thankfully - a dear friend who was going through her own infertility journey at the same time I was. Now, this is coming up on 30 years ago now, but she had IVF in Harley Street, and got pregnant with twins. I was nothing but delighted for her, because I knew what she had been through, and she was always always considerate of my feelings. 7ish months later, I was pregnant too, and when she came to my DC1's baptism, she was already pregnant again - this time naturally! She calls it, "buy two, get one free"!

Anyone who upsets you or makes you feel bad is someone to give a wide berth to.

you are not a bad person and don’t listen to anyone who says you are. Some people just have no empathy.
I’ve not been through anything like you have but I am hating this “friend” on your behalf! She snd her husband both sound like insensitive, self-centred pricks. You have every right to feel angry about what’s happened to you. That’s a completely normal and natural response. You need to have time and space to process it. You have every right to put boundaries in about how and when you interact with her. That’s true even if you weren’t processing the traumatic experience that you are right now.
focus on yourself and your dh right now. Take some time away from this woman. Hopefully you have other more sensitive people in your life to support you. You absolutely deserve support and I wish you so much luck for future success.
I don’t know if it will help but a friend of mine had a similar terrible time with lots of losses and subsequent problems over many years. She now has a beautiful son. I hope you’ll soon have the same.

You need to grieve. You need space to do so - away from your friend. I remember your previous post and I hope that your husband has an understanding of how hard this must be for you. I find men can be slightly more detached from a pregnancy but that isn’t an excuse.

I hope you can bring him to a counselling session and he can see how this is hurting you and that he will support you in being distant from your friend.

You need time to heal both physically and mentally and your friend is being very insensitive which I can imagine must be making things worse.

However please try not to compare your lifestyles - honestly fertility sounds like it should be simple but it’s not and your friend probably doesn’t understand what you are going through. But isn’t making the effort to either. However comparing will not help.

I really hope things work out for you in the long run x

@MumblesParty before I went in for my surgery to have the baby removed I was really keen to try again as soon as possible and was booked in with the fertility clinic the following month, I didn’t expect all of the complications from that surgery, and still healing from it 4 months on is really hard and then the fear of trying again as I don’t want to end up in ICU again only adds to all the feelings too.

im hoping I can try again in the next couple of months, I really thought I would be able to pick myself up and try again as soon as possible and it just hasn’t been the case, they didn’t even know if I would be able to carry again after the major hemorrhage I had so I’m relieved they have said I can but the waiting really is torture.

that forum that you had sounds like it would of been a help, IVF is so hard x

You're not an awful person, you are grieving. You get a free pass.
Your pg friend and her partner are not awdul people either they are just living their lives.

I hope the counselling helps you find a better place to be in your head but you can't magic the grief away.

she said to another friend that she is going to keep calling me even if I don’t answer in the hope that I will,

Well she can fuck off and be blocked then. Someone who says they're your friend should support you and be considerate of your feelings.

@ivs I would really just like the space that I have asked for to try and heal x

I know - and you deserve it

Seriously - block her number

Friend K l think thought she had fertility issues, which obviously is laughable when it only took her 6 months to conceive. It was like she was then annoyed l had “real” infertility so had to be dismissive and disparaging? She works in mental health but her emotional maturity and under standing was very poor for my struggles. When in reality l didn’t want real or made up infertility. I just wanted to have a child!

The “try again brigade” are a nightmare as it’s rarely that simple. Plus it’s fine for the easily fertile they just have some sex whereas for people with fertility issues it’s a world of stress, waiting, expense etc. Good luck with it all but these people don’t seem especially sympathetic or understanding to your plight. They can clearly mindlessly churn out children and are getting what they want, they could at least be slightly more gracious

I think it is really unfair when people struggling with fertility and loss are labelled as being jealous of those with children. Seeing other people have babies can cause deep sadness, grief, low self esteem etc all of which are just as valid as their happiness at having a baby. Zoe Clark-Coates has written some really helpful things that might give you a boost to validate your feelings. You are a good person who is sad and grieving. Give yourself a break.

I'm so sorry about your loss.

I've been through IVF and two MC's so I totally get how you're feeling.

After my losses and I seen pregnancy announcements or gender reveals I would mute the person. I wasn't in the right head space, I was happy for them but sad for me.

I would either come off socials or mute them. And if you want distance from the friendship I would block for the time being.

You need time to heal and recover, take as long as it takes.

I pray for your rainbow 🌈

@Francescarae do not feel guilty for your feelings. You are going through grief. What you feel is not ill-will towards them or their unborn child, but the pain of your own loss. Their pregnancy is a cruel reminder of what you yourself have lost, and you are justified in grieving that loss for as long as it takes.
Last year I had a miscarriage and six days later my niece decided to announce to my mum on loudspeaker (knowing I was present) that she was pregnant. I had also had to put my senior dog down that day, who was my world. I couldn’t fathom the self-absorption, the insensitivity and still don’t. She did apologise to me a few months down the track, and that helped mend the wound and our relationship. But she is a female relative who I dearly love. If these were “friends” treating me with such insensitivity I wouldn’t be as forgiving and would probably cast them out too. You don’t need friends like that. I’m sorry for your loss and your pain. Take as long as you need to grieve, and I wish for you your rainbow x