Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

@MumblesParty this makes me feel so much better, it’s such a hard draining process isn’t it, sorry you had to go through IVF, it is all mentally exhausting.

im hoping I will feel better when we are given the green light to try again, it’s all the waiting and all the health complications that makes it all harder too.

did you manage to come past your feelings? Do you have any advice for managing them? I strangely don’t struggle with babies too much right now , im wondering if that will change after what should have been my due date.

thanks for sharing with me x

I think the expectation that you are 'happy for them' when you are going through infertility or miscarriage is quite toxic. It's a really harmful expectation because it puts so much pressure on you when you are emotionally distraught.

It's completely normal to feel a mix of emotions, some of them pretty unpleasant. Jealousy isn't a healthy feeling and I'm glad you are talking to someone who can help, but it doesn't make you a bad person. It's just an emotion.

I suffered from recurrent miscarriage and I still bristle when I remember my line manager telling me about a colleague's pregnancy after my loss at 13 weeks: 'obviously you are happy for them but it must be hard.' No actually, all I felt was anxiety for them, the same pang of fear I have for anyone when I hear a pregnancy announcement.

You've lived a lucky life if your one emotion to a pregnancy announcement is happiness.

Let it all out 😊 I’m in the ivf trenches with you & I’m all about protecting my peace now.

That has meant avoiding and seeing less of some people who are either insensitive or just nosey. Be cut throat & look after yourself.

@ShyTed im so sorry to hear this, it must be so hard. So so hard for you ❤️ I understand your feelings, I had 8 years until I finally got a positive pregnancy test after IVF but before that I had a lot of feelings around that, I found pregnancy tests very traumatic for years and years and I don’t think that will ever go away.

Ive found it hard that I finally got pregnant after 8 and a half years and then lost it at our 12 week scan, it all added to the feelings and it’s been very dark for me too, I feel your pain I really really do.

then ending up in ICU losing a life threatening amount of blood, it’s just soo so rubbish all of it really is.

i hope you’ve found some peace in all this somehow, I really feel for you x

@GelatoPistacchio this is so true, I think the pressure hasn’t helped, it’s not that I’m not happy for them, I’m just angry which makes it hard to be happy, obviously it would of been perfect if our children did grow up together and go to school together like we all thought, it’s just all now very awkward and uncomfortable.

she had a scare and unfortunately chose me as the person to share it with while she was at the hospital which in Heinz sight probably wasn’t wise as it brought back so much trauma for me of miscarrying, but I prayed so so hard for them so I really wouldn’t wish anything bad and probably didn’t even mean what I said to my husband about it all, it’s just so hard to be happy when I am absolutely devastated inside.

im so sorry for your miscarriages this is so sad x

I'm so sorry OP. Of course that's devastating for you to hear and it is unfair that they have four children and you haven't had one yet. I really hope it happens for you but in the meantime look after you and your mental health. Put yourself first. You don't even need to speak to these friends if you don't want to.

@HelloJillll IVF is hard isn’t it. Thanks I think I might have to be a bit more cut throat. It’s just so hard to see all of your dreams play out in someone else’s life, I’m happy to just have one child I really am, and I know life isn’t fair but it all hurts so much x

Aww OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you- life just isn’t fair sometimes and it’s a hard pill to swallow. We had 4 years TTC our first and were about to start IVF when it happened naturally- I know this isn’t the case for everyone but don’t give up completely as you just never know what’s around the corner.
It isn’t fair to say I understand your feelings when I now have DC but I do remember the rollercoaster of feelings and emotions when you wanted to be happy for people but were too brokenhearted that once again it wasn’t your turn. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope your friend has a colicky baby and months of sleepless nights 😉 xx

As a therapist myself (albeit one who is crap at IVF) - I can assure you she’s heard worse!!

My doctor keeps telling me that there’s nothing that really makes a difference and not to beat myself up… I don’t know if he’s just saying that to make me feel better or if it’s true ? But the amount of truly unhealthy people who seem to get pregnant with no bother certainly gives some weight to what he says . I think it’s more about having some control over an uncontrollable situation…

It really is hard, there's no way around that. And feeling angry is normal too, or at least, I got angry too. It's good you can unload on your DH.

Oh OP. I went through many many years of infertility too so I 100% understand how you’re feeling. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way, not at all.

Please don’t worry about being totally honest with your counsellor, the people on here saying mean things aren’t trained professionals, I promise you that the counsellor will 100% understand where you are coming from and will not think anything bad about you at all xx

@Francescarae I’m so sorry you had such horrible complications following your loss. I had a MMC the same time as you and we were in touch, I then got pregnant again but have just had another MMC at 9.5 weeks (measuring around 8 weeks).
Honestly I completely understand how you feel, you have had such a tough long journey. I don’t think this ‘friend’ understands that what you probably need is space.
Grief can’t be rushed and can surprise you even when you think you are feeling OK suddenly it will crash you down.
I have been through socials deleting things because there are just so many triggers out there.
Had treatment for the MMC in hospital today and 2 of the nurses were visibly pregnant and I was just like 🤦‍♀️
To friends I feel like saying I’m happy for you, yes, but I don’t think I can deal with it just now…

@IMBCRound2 okay that makes me feel slightly better, maybe I will word it all slightly differently so it doesn’t make me sound as horrible.

my fertility consultant seemed really confused that I gave up alcohol before my IVF and I haven’t gone back to it, he keeps telling me just to have a glass of wine, but then in my head I keep thinking last time I did en embryo transfer it worked and I gave up wine completely so worry if I have a some wine and it doesn’t work I will blame that, it sounds so stupid I know, I’ve just given it literally all I have for it to work, i was never a big drinker anyway but might have a glass of wine at the weekend if we went to the pub, gave up completely 6 months before starting stims, but maybe health doesn’t have anything to do with it 🤷🏼‍♀️x

@CurlyWurly1991 yes I remember speaking at that awful time, I’m so sorry to hear that you have been through it again that is so extremely sad, you’ve been through so much in such a short space of time, sending you so much love ❤️

I feel like everyone thinks it’s been 4 months now and I should be fine but I’m now, as you know from before I was really keen to try again as soon as possible but haven’t been able to due to all the complications and have been at the hospital most weeks for further scans and testing ever since which has only added to all the trauma and grief.

oh that’s so hard having pregnant nurses, I feel like they should move them to a different role as it’s way too much for someone going through a miscarriage to see, that must of been heartbreaking for you.

i really hope you are okay, always here if you want a chat it’s all so hard x

@CurlyWurly1991 are they going to do any testing on the baby this time? I hope you get some closure x

I can’t believe how this couple are treating you. They are being so insensitive it’s unbelievable. You have to do what is best for your mental health and if that includes blocking her number, do it. They are not showing you any respect. How disgusting for the husband to make the comment he did and your “friend” harassing you with caps because it’s what she wants. Take your time to heal OP.

I'm so sorry OP. You don't sound awful AT ALL and venting is cathartic. Your friends sound EXTREMELY inconsiderate (that's me being kind to them!)

I think you need to distance yourself from them for your own wellbeing because they are triggering you at every turn through their lack of feeling and thoughtlessness.

I really hope your journey to motherhood is fruitful soon ❤️

I think you should mute any notifications from her and back off social media in general for a while as there is so much baby stuff. Or make a different insta profile and only use it to follow miscarriage and ivf support pages so you can still access that support.

You're not horrible for being triggered by your friends pregnancy. It's a horrid reminder of what you don't have. It doesn't mean that you don't want her to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. It's ok to want it for yourself too and to be devastated it hasn't happened yet. You're a grieving mum. I'm glad you re going to talk to your councellor.

@Clementine1513 thank you for this I’ve honestly been feeling so bad and guilty about how I’ve been feeling.

it would be much easier if I could have the space, I didn’t mean what I said when I said I don’t want to ever see them again, just right not it’s so so hard to be around it and heat it when my heart feels like it’s been torn in half and the contact calls and messages don’t help, I don’t fell like I can talk about my baby loss to her either as I understand it could be scary for someone who is pregnant, I am thinking about her feelings x

@SpoonyFish thanks so much, I’m feeling a little bit better now, I know I need to find a way to be strong but it’s too much to be around or hear, it’s just too painful at the moment. Hopefully I will feel differently later on but it’s all been very traumatic, she also moans about her pregnancy every time I do speak to her x

@Unexpectedlysinglemum thank you for this, I’ve been so sad and I really didn’t mean the horrible things that I said, I’m feeling a bit less angry now, the emotions got the better of me, my husband understood my feelings in the end too.

its so hard to be happy for them when it reminds me so much of what I have lost, we were only a few weeks apart, it’s devastating especially after trying for so long, and now having complications from the miscarriage that I still can’t try again yet x

To be honest, putting aside how the pregnancy is making you feel, they sound like shitty friends and you're more than justified in cutting them off. Your husband should be supporting you in that too.

They don’t sound like great friends, especially the husband. If you have asked for space and she is ringing 3-4 times a day she is a bad friend. Maybe you need to text her to be more clear.

I had a friend whose toddler drowned, and her good friend was pregnant at the same time. She told her she needed to end the friendship, she just couldn’t be round her sharing the pregnancy while she was grieving. The pregnant friend understood and left her in peace.

@Pinkbonbon this is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I think I have ever read in my life!

I am not mentally ill I am grieving my baby that I lost there is a huge difference , it’s not an obsession it’s mine and my husbands dream to have a baby and to be a family however we get there, IVF is a wonderful thing, I know plenty of people who have lovely children and babies through IVF it also helps same sex couples which is great for them that they can have children. I have two more embryos frozen and I will absolutely not give up on them. Winners find a way and just because things are difficult right now it is not a reason to give up or to be defeated.

the greater the storm the greater the rainbow 🌈 ❤️