Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

You’re quite right I probably wouldn’t feel so bad if I was allowed the space u have asked for.

i know it’s not normal to feel this way that’s why I brought it here x

I really hope your ivf works for you, sending good wishes, it’s a hard process xx

Thank you. I will try to ignore it. I don’t even feel like I should mention this to the counsellor now as she might think I’m just plain nasty too like some people on here have said, I feel so confused x

The calling and texting is not a kind thing to do at all. people don't have to empathise or understand how you feel to comply with a request and stfu. I think you need to do what you need to do for your mental health and if that's blocking her number then that's what you do. Yes go back to counselling. Its not the same but when my husband died, a few of my "friends" would not leave me alone even though I had asked for space. In the end I blocked their numbers and when they turned up at the front door I didn't answer the bell. You do what you need to do. I hope you feel better soon and you get your longed for baby.

tell the counsellor if you feel you can. They shouldn't judge.

I’m so sorry to hear that, that must be so hard for you. That’s true, they are both so unhealthy so maybe it’s nothing to do with being healthy, but when you are doing IVF you give it literally your everything.

i just feel so bad after posting about it on here I’m scared to mention it to my counsellor in case she thinks I’m nasty too. It’s all so hard

@Oranesandlemons it’s so hard when the journey is so tough, it really really is. I do not want to feel like this, I didn’t want to lose a friend as well as my baby, I didn’t ask for any of this.

i really don’t mean to be horrible, I’m worried about talking to my counsellor now in case she thinks badly of me, it seems from what people have said that my thoughts are very extreme and clearly not everyone feels like this, I was hoping that some of my feelings were normal.

sorry you have had such a hard journey it’s awful xx

@Francescarae - the way you are feeling is absolutely normal, for many people, if not all. You are NOT a bad and horrible person. Please try not to think this and ignore posters on here who are making you feel even worse. Absolutely tell your counsellor. He/she will not judge.

Tell your friend, once more, that while you are genuinely pleased for her, you are still struggling with your own grief over losing your baby and you simply can't deal with discussing someone else's happy news, while you continue to grieve as it is still so raw. Just hide social media posts - or just stay off SM altogether for a while. If she still persists in phoning you, just block her number

I think if they are already awful friends then use this as your out.

I'm infertile. At 27 I was diagnosed with Endo. Multiple surgeries. Multiple losses. One gorgeous baby though adoption.

I met a woman at school pick up who became kinda obsessed with the fact we were both
"infertile". Talked about our infertility like we had experienced the same things except I was young and diseased and in constant pain. I still am.

She was in her late 40's. She had her first at 40 with no issues, and then ended up using donor eggs.

She got pregnant at 50, and the way she spoke to me and in front of me was a bit much. She spent one whole night with a group of us talking non stop about her pregnancy. And then would message me after about our other friend who was pregnant with her fourth and how unfair it was.

People in the group would try to change the subject ( as much for me and others as it was fairly boring after I while) and even messaged me after to check on me. It was a lot.

She sent me pics of her meals that she hated but had to eat because of gestational diabetes. It was non freaking stop.

She even asked me what my almost 12 week fetus looked like when I miscarried... It was disturbing.

Eventually I just unfriended her on Facebook which she lives for, and that was the end of that. She told a mutual friend ( the one pregnant with her fourth) that I was too jealous of her pregnancy. I really really wasn't... In fact that friend is still one of my best friends. I just can't do 6 hours of pregnancy talk. Other women there were affected as well.

She cycles though her friends and none of the women I met through her are her friends anymore. I am more than fine having her believe jealousy was the issue! As long as she avoids me I'm fine having her believe whatever she needs to!

All this to say if they are shitty friends use this as an exit. Block her number and move on. It sounds like there are other issues beyond infertility.

As for your infertility give yourself a huge hug and lot of grace. It sucks. It's hard. My bio mom has three kids and all of us were removed. It's not fair. It just isn't. And I'm really really sorry you're going through this. 💐

It hurts so much. I lost my last pregnancy which was a surprise at 35. My ds was 2 and I was so shocked and overwhelmed. It felt like the cruelest thing to give me a baby and then take it away.

Life can be very cruel. Try and be kind to yourself. You have every right to be mad and angry, just don't let it change your kindness and softness. Never let infertility take your beauty. 💐

I just can’t be happy for them however hard I try.

It’s not your job to be happy for them. It’s not your job to be a good friend or stay in contact with anyone you don’t want to while you’re grieving. Look after yourself, do what you need to cope and when you finally come back up for air, get back in touch with friends and see who’s kind and understanding and stick with them.

Life absolutely does not need to carry on as normal for you. It’s fine to be angry and totally normal to feel isolated. It’s also fine to loose friendships during this period.

Why on earth dos she say she’ll keep calling til you answer?
That seems very cruel to me, has she no awareness at all?

I am so sorry for your loss, OP, I really am, I feel your despair through your posts.
I would avoid her like the bloody plague, tbh, there’s nothing caring about chasing you down at this time. What on earth would she say?
She seems very “sooo let’s talk about meeee”

Bugger that! look after yourself like a queen, sending you a huge hug and hoping for future health and happiness for you xx💐

And this, ⬆️⬆️ too, OP xx

Oh my lovely, sending the biggest hugs to you.

I went through similar, I had 4 rounds of IVF plus FET and no pregnancy, it was devastating to the point where unfortunately my marriage ended because it was taking over my life and destroying friendships and relationships with people who were important to me. Deep down I wasn’t jealous of them, I was sad for me and that’s ok. It’s so unfair, and you’re allowed to say it and think it. Ours was male factor, so I blamed my husband (very ashamed now I can look back objectively).

I did meet someone else though and went on to have a beautiful baby girl who is now 8 and the light of my entire life. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Don’t give up hope xxx

To be honest I don't know how anybody could not have felt and reacted as you did. You're only human and honestly it just is really, really, bloody unfair xxxx

Your reaction, while understandable, isn't healthy and isn't doing you any good.

Firstly, you don't need to be given space from her. Make/Take your own space
Do what you need to do and what's best for you. Block her number, avoid her etc. She doesn't seem particularly nice in any case.

You said some pretty nasty things about her but you don't really mean them deep down.

They are just a manner of dealing with your situation right now. I never had it with friends or relatives but I used to get really angry with people who got pregnant from ONSs (they weren't even trying!) or anyone that was dealing with secondary infertility (they already had one!).

I spent two years mad with the world before I went for counselling. I had 4/5 sessions and it made such an incredible difference. Struggling with infertility can be a very lonely space even with the best partner, friends and family supporting you.

It's easier stay silent than put your worries on others and you feel like you are the only one in the situation. So you sit on your feelings and they explode like yours have now.

Counselling will allow you a place to let out all of the thoughts, feelings, worries and frustrations and without judgement. It will get to the real crux of the matter.

It's not just about having children, it's about your relationship with your body, your self esteem, your concerns about the impact on your relationship, feelings of failure, deepest worries etc.

My breakthrough moment was when the counsellor asked "what if it never happens?". Heartbreaking but every fear and emotion I had bottled up, just came out & strangly enough facing fears made them more manageable.

You need to give yourself space to discuss this. I only wish I had done it a lot sooner.

Things will get better by discussing it. Also, I found talking to others on the same situation helped too.

Be kind to your yourself too. xxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are grieving and you are allowed to feel whatever you like.

I’m very sorry for your situation

honestly I would just distance myself from this friend for a bit. Ideally explain it to her but if you can’t she will understand. Keep away from social media too if you can.

you will get through this x

OP it is grief. Be kind to yourself. These words feel so raw and we feelyour pain so much. Please don’t judge yourself it is much healthier to express these feelings that send them inwards and anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand. Especially a counseller. I hope for good things in your future and send a big unmumsnetty hug.

I totally understand how you feel OP. You have a right to be angry and rant, it is so damn unfair. If you feel you can't be around them at the moment then remove yourself. You need to put yourself first and if it helps to not be around these people then so be it. Of course it's not their fault but that does not help how you are feeling. She will never understand how you feel, no one does unless they go through similar. Take care and I wish you all the best for the future xx

I’m so sorry OP I’ve not read everyone’s posts. But what a difficult situation. I’m not sure if others have said but maybe it would be good just to distance yourself for a bit. Just so you can heal. It will hopefully help you process your anger, it’s not really about them. But your loss.

Just ignore these comments, OP. There is nothing wrong with venting to your own husband, (nor to strangers on Mumsnet, come to that). As the majority of us have told you. There have been lots of helpful and empathetic comments.

Look after yourself. Don’t hide your feelings from your husband. Don’t feel obliged to take the woman’s calls.

OP, I think it’s probably far more normal than we’d think — because people don’t generally share these feelings IRL but keep them buttoned up (as you have IRL — other than your DH).

The thing that really stands out to me is your anger at the unfairness of it all. I can understand that, and I suspect most of us have had moments where we’ve railed at the unfairness of life. But my dad always used to tell me that life’s not fair — and it’s very true. It’s infinitely easier said than done, but if you can find a way of accepting that, I think it might help.

Having said that, I’m not sure anything can take away the pain and the grief of knowing you were due at the same time as your friend. That’s heartbreaking — and it might be that your friendship can’t withstand it. That doesn’t make either of you bad or horrible people.

I completely get you OP. My SIL who smokes and drinks, never got any formal education and keeps popping out babies while not eating any vegetables/ living off junk food really upset me on her last pregnancy announcement.

I had a TFMR and it was so hard mentally / physically. Then she’s announces her 4th baby and had the audacity to message me and moan I hadn’t said congratulations in a group chat 12hrs after they put up a picture then demanded I tell them I am happy for them.

What you are annoyed about is the narrative we got told as kids, you do this and everything will go ok, you don’t get GCSEs and your life will be ruined. You do everything right, play by the rules then get side swiped by this as you can’t control it.

Then along comes someone who hasn’t followed these rules and gets everything they wanted. It’s hard adjusting that mental thought process and learning life really isn’t fair.

I really do wish I didn’t have these feelings, I will keep speaking to my husband but really don’t want anyone to think badly of me.
thank you, I will get there somehow, hopefully the counselling will help this week x

I hated so many people when I was doing IVF. I hated people who were pregnant, people who’d just had babies, people who had terminations, people with kids - basically anyone who had what I wanted so badly. And I hated myself for feeling like that. It’s the most nasty toxic experience. OP don’t add to your existing stress by feeling guilty about natural feelings.

I had to step back from some friendships for my own sanity, and because I didn’t want to say something I’d regret.

Do whatever it takes to get through, and if that means ranting to your DH, blocking people on Facebook - then so be it.