Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

I'm so sorry. Rant and cry all you want here. I 100% understand, I've had 4 miscarriages and know people who can have multiple and don't even want them. It hurts every time I see another announcement but I'm trying to stay positive 🙏🏻

I was going to say the same. On your other thread, everyone was advising to cut them out your life for now - please listen and do this for your sanity.

@Bookworm1111 no she didn’t call so much before but I suppose I would answer the first call, if someone asked me for space I personally wouldn’t keep calling them.

thats nice that you gave your friend space, I completely get that it’s hard and really awkward for everyone but ultimately she’s not the one hurting, her life is carrying on and my dreams and hopes have all been shattered x

Strongly disagree. The OP is human and she is devastated. Her feelings are what they are. Far better for the OP to have an outlet here where she can rant and grieve rather than saying it out loud in real life to the person she is angry with.

OP, I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I haven’t been where you are but I do remember that after I lost my Mum I found it very difficult to see women my age out and about with their Mums. So I avoided cafes, supermarkets and garden centres for a while as those were the places I would often see mum and daughter pairs having a nice time together. I know that losing a parent is not the same as losing a baby, but I do relate to that anger. 💐

It’s not jealousy, it’s anger with the world.

its been a hard road and I can’t help how I feel, it’s definitely not a jealousy thing its been extremely upsetting for me and was such a hard process to even get pregnant, and it reminds me of my pregnancy, it’s nothing against them.

@emergencybab i can’t help how I feel, it’s been difficult, really difficult and when it’s so easy for others it’s hard , infertility and IVF only add to the feelings, 8 years TTC.

its just so painful isn’t it, I can actually bounce back quite quickly from pregnancy announcements now as it’s a different time frame, I should of been 7 months now it’s the ones around the same time as mine I find hard x

Thank you, I wish I didn’t feel like this but it’s just so hard, and I feel so bad for the way I feel, sometimes it’s easier just to keep it to myself but then it only feels worse, that’s why I brought it to this thread.

sorry to hear about your mum that must of been hard x

She literally said in her OP she verbally said to her husband that these people didn't deserve their baby.

Yes the OPs feelings are raw, yes it hurts. I've lost 2 babies and gone through IVF so I really do understand.

But that's such an unkind thing to say, judging the other mum because she bleaches her hair and eats raw steak. Devils advocate here but that has nothing to do with their pregnancy or the tragic ending of yours.

It isn't their fault this happened to you, neither is it your fault. It's a tragic thing that you're going through. You're well within your rights to be angry at the world. I was for a long time. But I don't think being angry at other parents having babies is fair. Yes there's a lot of 'why them and not me' but that's something no one can answer.

I hope you find your peace OP.

I think this is one of those times when it is helpful to keep reminding yourself 'life isn't fair' - it sounds kind of negative but actually it was a sentiment I read about when undergoing a really awful year, and it genuinely helped. I was so focused on 'I just want one thing to work out! One thing to go right!' and that just dragged me down, and I think that's a bit like you thinking about how it's not fair this other woman could have successful pgs without doing all the things you're 'supposed' to do, but you have to let go of those details. It's simply that life isn't fair.

Accepting that actually helped me deal with, for example, when DH finally had a job offer after a long gap in employment, but then he had to turn it down because they were asking him to agree to conditions that he felt were risky. It moved me away from self pity and towards accepting the situation.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through and that one way or another you can find happier times soon.

&”@emergencybab She’s had 3 already!It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it, I deserve it more, I’ve been through hell to even get pregnant and she says “it’s just another child” it hurts like I can’t even explain.

as horrible as it sounds it’s how I feel, it’s just not fair, it’s really really not

Following on from my previous post, you say it's nothing against them OP and you're angry at the world. But you are judging them in your OP for the like beautify and diet choices, and saying they don't deserve the baby.

Unless I've perceived this wrong, I do think it's unfair.

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. But maybe keep the comments about the other mum to yourself as if someone had judged my dietary choices and hair bleaching choices and said I didn't deserve my baby, I'd be incredibly hurt.

OP it's not a case of who deserves a child more.

Every child is a blessing.

She deserves her 3rd just as much as you deserve your 1st. I don't think you're being entirely fair here.

I understand that it hurts. It's a pain like no other. But you can't compete in who deserves a baby more, it's not how life pans out.

Erm judging by this post that's exactly what you are, an utterly ghastly person as well

i would obviously never say this to her, it’s just how I feel, I did absolutely everything I possibly could, it just hurts, it’s not that they don’t deserve it, it’s not fair that someone can have 4 and I can’t even have 1

I’ve also admitted that I feel horrible about what I said, that’s why I’m doing counselling this week, I’m not a bad person, even though I now feel even worse and probably shouldn’t of posted my feelings on here

Sadly, you can't stop other people publicising their lives, OP, but surely it would be possible to mute them on Facebook and other social media? That might help you.

Change her name to do not answer or something a bit more salty in your phone if you don't want to block her yet. Hopefully, that will be easier for you but she really needs to accept your very reasonable boundary. How old is she, 12?!

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

I think you were a bit dismissive of your dh's comment about his mum. I've had recurrent miscarriages and had to see friends with babies, and I've lost my mum and spent Christmas with mil, and like the pp feel jealous seeing people out and about with their mums. Both have been terrible forms of grief for me.
The people who have children effortlessly may have problems in the future with disabilities, mental health, accidents - it really gets you nowhere to feel that your life is unfair.
Your feelings are so understandable but don't let them eat you alive.

Sorry for your loss. Use this board to support you, speak to your counsellor.

I think it’s worth remembering that the OP has not asked to feel this way. It is not rational.

Nor was it rational when I was grieving and I was angry with women who were having nice times with their mums. I found it particularly unfair that there were women who were considerably older than me who still had their mums. Some friends even still had grandparents and I was angry about that.

I couldn’t help the way I felt. I certainly did not say any of this to anyone (except my husband who was lovely and understood).

Anyway, OP, I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping some distance from this woman until the anger subsides (I think it will, eventually). Also glad you’re having counselling and that you can use this thread as an outlet for your grief.

Wishing you all the very best on your continuing journey.

You’re human. Don’t beat yourself up.

Your feelings are valid and you are not a bad person at all.