Friend announced her gender reveal - my meltdown

[Francescarae]

So yesterday our friends announced their gender reveal on Facebook, my husband and I had an IVF pregnancy at around the same time as their natural pregnancy (apparently they weren’t even trying) it’s their 4th , I unfortunately miscarried and had the baby surgically removed at 16 weeks, I’ve been doing relatively okay but seeing their gender reveal and pregnancy announcement yesterday on Facebook put me back into a dark hole, I was so upset and actually angry, it doesn’t help that her husband said a few weeks ago that our children should of been growing up together which feels like a kick in the face and also that I ruined their pregnancy announcement as they felt like they couldn’t announce it early on because I was still going through my miscarriage and had complications and ended up in ICU, I get they may of been trying to protect my feelings however I feel so angry and upset seeing it, I feel like I’ve taken away their joy and I just can the happy for them however hard I try.

it feels so unfair that she can have 4 and I can’t even have 1, she smokes, she eats rare steak, bleaches her hair, I was so cautious, I said some horrible things to my partner when I saw the announcement and now feel like a horrible person, we were at the pub when we saw it having Sunday lunch and I had to go and sit in the toilet and just cried, we had such a nice day before this and it just ruined it, I said to my husband that they don’t deserve it, I said I never want to see them again and that I would block both their numbers, I was just so hurt and angry.

Ive made an appointment with my counsellor on Wednesday, I haven’t done counselling for a few weeks now as I haven’t felt like I’ve needed it, what did concern me is how much this announcement affected me, it was the part where they put “due summer 2024” that really hurt as that should of been me, going through IVF is hard enough and I really wish it was me and not her, I know I sound like an awful person, my husband says I can’t just completely cut them off, he said he still has to see my mum and his mum has died so it’s life and thinks it’s the same which it isn’t, but I’m finding this hard.

I can’t even move forwards with another embryo transfer yet as I have a blood clot on my cervix from the surgery to remove the baby in January so have to wait until that’s gone.

sorry for ranting but I’ve really needed it.

xx

I really feel it, especially after posting on here it’s made me feel even worse x

Time I guess, but even now it can sometimes still hurt. I’ve recently managed a gender reveal thing but the thought of a baby shower with games & presents is too much for me so I’ve made my excuses.

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.

I'm not sure I know anyone who, in your position, wouldn't feel it was incredibly unfair and wish it was themself who was pregnant. Guilty feelings about those emotions are misplaced.

But please don't cut off the friendship at this point. Decisions made when you're in the middle of such a depth of pain are rarely made as wisely as after taking time to work through feelings and learning to live with the additional grief.

I’m not sure. She and her husband are both very religious and I’m not sure whether they see assisted conception as a bad thing - I once asked her if it was something they were looking at (during a conversation about her difficulty conceiving) and she seemed horrified at the idea. She posts all about her struggles and miscarriages on Facebook while I really don’t, so she has no real idea what I’ve been going through (and wouldn’t ask because she found it too painful - I get that I think). She may have assumed it was easy for me as I didn’t talk about my own difficulties and losses publicly. There was also a general lack of compassion on her part, but I appreciate she was in her own pain.

It was definitely a time when friendships were shown in different light, and a few people (like her) became far more acquaintances than friends.

I really wouldn't. The thing about grief is that it is not rational. It makes us do and say weird things that we may mean at the time, and once we are feeling less raw, no longer think. Your feelings at the moment are raw and painful, and someone talking about getting pregnant and reproducing with ease several times casually while abusing her body has pushed your buttons - it would do so to most people. As long as you find healthy sounding boards for those feelings- trusted family and friends who won't gossip, your husband, a counsellor, a diary, a priest (if that is your thing), you can work through them. You are not the first and own't be the last to feel this way. In fact, I doubt many in your shoes would be all 'oh how wonderful' when someone else's baby news is shoved under your nose.
All the best to you OP.

@Francescarae I’m so sorry 🩷 I’m waiting for IVF at the moment and have had a loss so I know how soul destroying it is. Two of my best friends had babies three months apart last year, it was devastating and I had to pull back for a little while. A real friend will understand why. Don’t feel like you have to force yourself to be happy for them when you are so devastated for yourself - sometimes our own feelings are all we have space for. It doesn’t last forever. A few months on and I’ve met their babies and can look at photos etc, but it’s been slow and it still hurts. I don’t go to baby showers or anything like that - why torture ourselves? Praying you get to take home your own baby sooner rather than later 🩷

She's being the awkward one, not you. You're not doing anything wrong, you're grieving an unimaginable loss and you went through the trauma of an operation that made you seriously ill.

She should be giving you space but she's not, she's pushing her own agenda. Definitely mute her calls.

Ignore the PP leaving nasty comments. They've clearly never walked in your shoes and are seriously lacking empathy.

I'm sorry but their pregnancy and baby is not related to your loss. That isn't how the world works. I can understand of course why you are upset but I can't believe you think she doesn't deserve a baby, really nasty. I hope counselling can help you feel better about the situation.

What you are feeling is totally normal and out of your control. My experience after the stillbirth of my daughter is that the births of other people's children do get easier, but the birthdays and milestones of children born at the time of her death are still tricky even 17 years later. I manage it, and so will you. You will gather strength and develop coping strategies. It's good that you can get counselling, and I hope it is a source of support and comfort for you.

I find it hard to read other women berating you while claiming to understand your circumstances. You are struggling at the moment because what you are having to come to terms with is so very hard. All sorts of powerful and terrifying thoughts and feelings went through my head after my daughter died, and I am still thankful that nobody judged me for not coping perfectly.

'Ignore the PP leaving nasty comments. They've clearly never walked in your shoes and are seriously lacking empathy.'

I mean lots and lots of women including myself have gone through infertility and loss. But that doesn't mean we don't think other mums deserve their babies. Or question other mums choices to eat meat and dye their hair.

Exactly

I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you get help to navigate this. Wishing you peace.

This is an anonymous forum, you can absolutely vent your innermost thoughts that you would never say out loud.

Anyone who says they've never had dark thoughts they don't really mean when they're really hurting is lying. I know it feels unfair OP, and you're not a bad person.

But I don’t think that is coming from the OP’s rational mind. I don’t think she has sat and really thought about it in a normal state of mind, and come to the conclusion that her friend doesn’t deserve a baby. It is her anger talking. She is saying it here because she knows it isn’t rational and she can’t say it in real life.

I’m really not a horrible person I promise, being called nasty by people on here I think is a bit insensitive as I’m finding it hard.

im not horrible I promise, I’m actually a nice person usually and don’t want people to feel like this, i posted it in her as I obviously can’t talk about this to anyone in real life, I’m just angry with the world, it’s not that she doesn’t deserve it, I deserve it too x

@Francescarae Please ignore people being sanctimonious on here. You can have unkind thoughts, even nasty thoughts, and that's all they are, thoughts. They don't reflect you as a person, and nor do I think they do. In dark and difficult moments we can have thoughts that we would never share -- except somewhere like here, as a way to vent, which people seem to have forgotten! After my miscarriage seeing women smoking or vaping while pregnant or being mean or dismissive to their children was so hard for me, because they had something I wanted and were doing things I would never do. It's judgemental of course, but also a totally natural part of grieving, being extra aware and sensitive to anything relevant to your situation.

Go easy on yourself, accept your unkind thoughts, and know that they will pass. You aren't unkind, you are hurting.

But was that after 8 years of trying and IVF? Were they ringing you 3 or 4 times a day after you had asked for space from them? OP is allowed to feel the way she feels, 8 years is a hell of a long time and IVF isn’t easy

I think taking a step back is a good idea and you can think about if you want to cut them loose at some point in the future. Unfortunately some people don’t conduct themselves well and need to be cut loose. I’m thinking of friend K who told me l was “impatient” after 4 years of trying, a number of round of Clomid and a failed IVF round (for context she went berserk after it took her 6 months to conceive 🙄😂).
Or friend C who bombarded with numerous happy family group shots after round 2 of IVF failed. Especially bad timing the day she sent them as it was a friends wedding, which l knew would be baby heavy

I’d ignore the unhelpful comments grief isnt rational as others have said and basically you need a space to vent. Here probably isn’t going to be the best place. In fairness you probably wouldn’t be feeling quite this way if she did actually leave you alone.
In your position I’d back right off from the friends. It’s not good that she’s ringing you so much every day, it’s almost bordering on harassment. Tell her to stop and you need a few weeks to recover physically ( I realise mentally you need time as well) and you request she doesn’t contact you until the end of may. Send this via text or email. If she carries on contacting you block her. If she gets round the block message her once and tell her to stop it’s harassment. Really your husband should be putting you first and telling her to stop.

You feel how you feel. But you kept your rants to your dh and an anonymous forum, so actually you've been quite dignified about it, really, I think.

They sound completely insensitive, having ignored your perfectly reasonable requests for some space.

Hiding them from FB and may be taking a big step back from all social media for a time is probably a good idea.

Sorry for your loss. Hope you find some peace

sending empathetic hugs- I’ve just had a failed FET and it’s just … the blind rage is just overwhelming sometimes!

Honestly, I sometimes think it’s a bit of a protective factor to have that irrational anger at someone else (as long as it’s held privately)- I know I can hold such blind hatred towards my body for failing yet again , that having a good rant at someone else takes the heat off me for a bit. Sometimes it’s also a healthy reminder you don’t have to perfect to get pregnant because it’s so easy to fall into that trap …

I am so sorry you are going through this. We also went through a very difficult infertility journey and I absolutely understand how you feel. While people were falling pregnant and we couldn’t it absolutely broke my heart. At my best, I found it impossible to feel happy for people who fell pregnant but could
pretend to them I was, and at my worst I was totally furious, hateful, jealous and wished bad things for them. It was a very dark time and when I look back it clouded my life massively for a couple of years. I think people who haven’t experienced it won’t ever fully understand it. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, you are not a bad person you’re just going through t the worst times. I think counselling is a great idea to help to find yourself some peace. I am holding you in my thoughts

You’re not horrible. It’s a terrible grief to try and process made all the more difficult when it just seems so blase and easy for other people. I think it’s very hard to get just how bad it is if you haven’t been through it. So sorry for your loss, OP. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel x

Go easy on yourself and rant away. It’s super hard and the way you are feeling is not unreasonable.

I think the therapy will really help. Your friend is pregnant with her baby, not yours. Your baby is still coming and your friend can do as she wishes enjoying her steak etc.

It is also perfectly fine to distance yourself from friends who are pregnant when you are having a more complicated fertility journey. You might want her support when you have a baby so it’s probably best to just be straightforward and explain that you need to take a break and the reason why.

@TruthorDie it’s honestly been one hell of an 8 years and then IVF and miscarriage and complications miscarrying in surgery where I nearly died, there have been a lot of emotions and I feel so bad for how I feel.

that must of all been so incredibly hard for you. It’s not just miscarrying but infertility and IVF add to another complexed feeling, it’s not even as simple as just being able to try again, it’s been over 4 months for me and we still aren’t able to go ahead with another embryo transfer due to a blood clot on my cervix, I also had metal coils put on some of my veins from where I had a major hemorage so there is worry there and I think will I have enough blood supply for another embryo to implant, we aren’t even allowed to have unprotected sex yet after 4 months since we found out about the miscarriage all of which adds to complexed feelings and it’s really not that I’m being horrible, It’s just so incredibly hard and it’s not that I don’t think they deserve a baby, it’s just that I deserve to have on too especially after going through so much and they weren’t even trying it just hurts me x

There are times when I’ve felt like the worst person in the world. Jealous, angry and having terrible thoughts about other people and how it’s JUST NOT FUCKING FAIR.
I’ve gotten very good at building a wall up around myself to protect myself.

I’ve been trying for 10 years, many failed treatments, endless disappointment - I’ve never even had a positive pregnancy test. And I hate to admit it but I’ve actually had times when I’ve been jealous of those having miscarriages because at least they have been pregnant and have HOPE and a chance of it happening again. I know that’s terrible but it’s a very dark place to be.

I’ve had several friends over the years who had issues also. We supported each other, cried with each other, and now here I am alone - the only one who never got their happy ending. It’s sad.

Just look after yourself, hit the mute button on social media, and protect yourself. You’re not a bad person. Either am I. But the hurt can make you lash out at times.