Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 4. ALL welcome!

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www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/4166715-Support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-MC-MMC-Thread-3-ALL-welcome?pg=1

Just posting.
Just found out that closest friend, her dd, lost her desperately wanted Ds, (2nd dc, first is a dd) died. She will have to give birth. Have an autopsy. She was due to give birth next week. Still birth is so sad, isn't it. Poor her.

Thanks spookycookies and SamBass. It was a relief to not be robbed off. I’m now 7 weeks on and this just feels completely dispiriting, but hopefully it’ll be sorted now.

Oblomov21 I am so sorry for your friends daughter, your friend and you. Even after having a miscarriage at 12 weeks, I feel I cannot begin to imagine what experiencing a still birth at that stage would be like. I do know that an old school friend who went through similar found a lot of support from her local SANDS group. Maybe, once your friend’s daughter has got through the initial shock, that is something that might help her too.

So sorry to hear about your friends daughter @Oblomov21, that's devastating. It's my worse fear in this whole pregnancy saga. I hope they have all the support and care they need.

@Miscarriage39 sorry about your unpleasant experience with the receptionist but glad to hear the doctor was helpful. Sometimes one nice helpful person can make up for a string of difficult ones 🤣 really hope they'll get this sorted for you, it's positive that she thinks there's no infection.

Happy weekend ladies

Hey ladies
Im looking for some advice please. Tomorrow i will be 6 weeks from surgical management, i was 9 weeks but confirmed heart beat stopped at 8 weeks. I still haven't had sight of AF and for the past week and half I've been suffering with really bad pains which have got progressively worse. Its not like cramping as such more of a constant ache/sharpe pains. Has anyone experienced this so long after without AF showing its face??

Hello Ladies
Im looking for some advice please. Tomorrow i will be 6 weeks from surgical management, i was 9 weeks but confirmed heart beat stopped at 8 weeks. I still haven't had sight of AF and for the past week and half I've been suffering with really bad pains which have got progressively worse the last two days have been horrendous. Its not like cramping as such more of a constant ache/sharpe pains. Has anyone experienced this so long after without AF showing its face??

I have blood test tomorrow to check HCG levels following a negative test on an Asda pregnancy 3 weeks after surgery and a faint positive on FRER this week (Monday). I tested again with FRER on Thursday and it was faint positive again but no darker.

With the pains for almost two weeks now and no AF i'm concerned about retained products 🤷🏽‍♀️😞

@SamBass could you be pregnant again? Otherwise I'd call gp/epu/midwife about the pains.
It took 6weeks for my period to return after a natural miscarriage and I'm 4 weeks on from medical management with no return yet.

Hi all,
Just found out today that I am having my second MMC. First was in Feb 2019 followed by a successful pregnancy with my son and now this.

The first one was anembryonic and was a horrible shock, this one less of a shock just because I've been through it before, but I had no negative signs and plenty of positive ones so I was hoping all would be ok.

This time there is a 6 week embryo (I should be 8+1) with no heartbeat and gestational sac is larger than it should be. My body really enjoys hanging on to any pregnancy, viable or not.

I am alternating between feeling "fine" and viewing this logically and then suddenly being devastated. On one hand, we wouldn't have my son if we hadn't had our first early loss, so I know that beauty can emerge from horrible situations. But on the other, I had really allowed myself to be optimistic about having his sibling this winter, and 4(!!) of my local friends are pregnant so I was so thrilled with the idea of having maternity leave with support and companionship after my first leave was dominated by Covid.

It's the gap between what you imagine and what actually is with these things, I think.

@spookycookies im doubtful of it being a new pregnancy as the line didn't get much darker and i have no other symptoms. I had cramps for a week after surgery then nothing and now 6 weeks on I've had cramps for almost two weeks which have got worse the past couple of day.

@coconutlatte44 so sorry your experiencing another miscarriage. Just take your time to process everything, you have had a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage so hopefully you're next one is successful.

Hi all. I thought I would join you all as it comforting to have some emotional support from others in a similar situation. I had a miscarriage last week at 5+5. Although I was early on, like you all I had big hopes and dreams. The reality of a 2021 baby is now gone. Early miscarriages are so odd as you are in this little bubble of happiness, not telling people and waiting for the pivotal 12 week scan, and then in a moment that has flipped upside down and you're telling your family your bad news 😔 it's been a really sad, strange time.

@coconutlatte44 so sorry about your two losses. I hope you have some support at home.

@SamBass how did your blood test go today?

@boxinell so sorry your joining us, hopefully you can find some comfort in speaking with us all who know exactly how you feel.
Blood tests went fine thank you, just waiting for the results now

Thanks @SamBass, sorry that you are going through a rough time with your recovery, hope you get some answers soon.

Thank you @boxinell, sorry you are joining us here. I do have a lot of support and actually told loads of people as I found my first mc so isolating when nobody had known I was pregnant. So this time around I had told a handful people but was very clear that I wasn't counting my chickens just yet due to our previous loss. As a result it's been fairly easy to say "it didn't work out" and I have had offers of support from a lot of people. I wish it wasn't so taboo to tell people early as I truly feel it is making a huge difference this time around.

I hope you're able to find some peace about the situation. Although it's not always helpful, and this might not be true for everyone, I try to remind myself that what I had imagined was an idea and not a reality, and that the baby I was growing obviously wasn't healthy enough to make the dream into a reality.

boxinell welcome, but sorry you find yourself here. I have always found everyone really supportive and hope you do too. I totally get your sentiment about weakly miscarriage and telling people something so different to what you expect to be sharing. We found out that I had had a MMC at my 12 week scan, and that was precisely our experience.

Glad you BT went well SamBass.

Hi everyone and welcome to those who've just joined the thread, very sorry for your losses.

@coconutlatte44 that's a really interesting outlook about telling people the second time. I'm in a sort of opposite situation. With the first pregnancy I miscarried, I was forced to tell close family earlier than I wanted through circumstances, and so obviously I told them when I miscarried. I was ok with that but now I'm pregnant again I don't want to tell anyone because I have such a feeling that I'll miscarry again and I don't want to have to tell them that until I'm ready. I feel like they'll pity me and I'll feel sort of ashamed of having "failed" a second time. I know that's not how I should feel but I just do. I wish I had had it your way around!

@boxinell totally agree that an early loss is such a strange thing where this massive and difficult thing happens to you and you almost can't share it. I wish everything about miscarriage care/reactions/social understanding was different. It's even more traumatic than it needs to be because of how it's treated in the health system and society as a whole.

Thanks for the welcome @AlbiMix. Everyone I have told it's been in the context of "We're early days pregnant but have a history of loss so nothing is certain yet." I found most people understood that and then it was easy to just say "it didn't work out" without much detail. I'm sure people do pity me, but to be fair I guess I'm ok with that as it's a pretty shitty position we find ourselves in.

I'm not sure your situation exactly but I am very privileged in that I have a 15 month old son so this has really cushioned the blow for me. I found it very different when I miscarried before I had him, I was absolutely crushed and cried every time I tried to talk about it, so it may be this that has made the difference more than anything else this time around.

However, as this is my second mc, and I'm now on 2 losses out of 3 pregnancies, there is now a creeping feeling of "what if this isn't just bad luck and it's going to happen again now?" I'm trying not to let my mind go off in that direction yet although if we get pregnant again I know I will struggle to feel any excitement whatsoever with this record.

I'm absolutely convinced that if I get pregnant again I'll have another loss. I'm going into it thinking at least then I'll get some investigations. I know that's a shot attitude but that's where I am right now.
I won't be telling anyone for a long time if I get pregnant again. I had 2 positive scans with heartbeats at 6 and 8+4 so told a few people feeling confident. People then told people and it was very hard for me. Ideally I'll wait until 20weeks to tell most people.

@coconutlatte44 I do feel that I would find it easier if I had a child already. When you have a MC before you have any babies successfully you just can't help but worry that it will never happen for you. If you had a MC followed by successful pregnancy and then an MC, it could just be bad luck and your next pregnancy will follow the pattern and be successful! I know it's so hard to be optimistic, I'm trying to take each day as it comes with my current pregnancy but it's hard. I have other health issues and I already feel like people pity me so I just don't want to add to that 😂

@spookycookies that's how I feel. I'm 6+4 now and just convinced it's not going to end well. I had a scan today and there was a HB and measurements were right, but I know that's absolutely no guarantee that it won't still go wrong. I was relieved today that it hadn't gone wrong yet but the anxiety will continue. I definitely don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon. But I agree with others that it would be easier if the whole miscarriage thing was demystified and normalised. I think of society didn't assume that every time a person is pregnant they will have a baby, it would make things a lot easier.

Also @spookycookies I have the same attitude as you in that we tried again after one cycle mainly because I know how long it takes to have investigations if you have recurrent miscarriages, so I was seeing it more like "I have to get these 3 miscarriages out of the way so they can start investigating the problem". I know it's grim but it's just my outlook after the MC and my other health problems.

@AlbiMix I just feel like 1 is bad luck. 2 is a pattern. Hopefully you'll sail through this pregnancy and seeing a heartbeat is still good even though no guarantee. I'll be marking my loss milestones. Getting to six weeks and then 9+3 will be a big deal for me. Hopefully I can get pregnant soon but I'm still waiting for my period to return before getting started.

@spookycookies true, I guess even after one I just feel it's going to be recurrent for me because of the other health issues I have. Nothing is ever an easy fix for me...but anyway, today was good news, so now just have to keep hoping for the best.

I felt loads of closure after two main milestones following my MC, one was seeing the negative test after 2 weeks and the other was getting my period, as before that I was freaking out not knowing what was going on with my cycle. Hopefully after your period you'll feel better as you'll be able to start fresh.

AlbiMix I have everything crossed for you that this is your sticky one, despite all your health issues. I don’t think anyone who has been through a miscarriage can ever fully relax, but try to be gentle with yourself and do things that help you relax (if that’s possible).

spookycookies that doesn’t sound like a ‘shit attitude’ at all. It sounds very calculated and pragmatic, and a logical step towards getting to goal, one way or another.

I thought I was moving on physically. I had no bleeding Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, then just a very pink discharge, very briefly yesterday. This evening, I have more red blood than I’ve had for a while. I’m thinking this may be what they told me last month was ‘breakthrough bleeding’. My period is due next week, so it would be logical, up this is exactly what happened last cycle - then I bled and spotted from the miscarriage, had a three day break and started pre-menstrual spotting. If it’s the same this month, I had a five day period, followed by spotting until last weekend, a three day break and off we go again. This can’t be normal. My GP should have my swab results tomorrow, but I am fairly sure they’ll be inconclusive. She said if this hadn’t resolved in another two weeks she would refer me for a scan, but that feels ages away. I just want to be able to start TTC agin. This was the last month I had a chance of getting a baby before my 40th birthday, which had been my goal. I keep thinking I’ve probably left it too late. I know I am lucky in that I already have healthy children, but I am so self-loathing at the moment that we didn’t go for this earlier. Annoyingly, it was never the right time. It’s only now that we can realistically care for another one, but now it may not happen.

Sorry for the rant. I do appreciate that this probably seems so selfish to those of you struggling to have your first. I think I just needed to offload, and I hope I haven’t offended anyone by doing so. I know I need to be grateful for what I have, and I am. It just feels like I cannot move on at the moment, because eight weeks after we found out we had lost our baby, I am still having physical issues!

Sorry, that was more of a rant than I realised!

@Miscarriage39 not selfish at all. Everyone is at different stages and a loss is hard for anyone. We all start making plans. Hopefully you'll get some answers soon and can start trying again. Fingers crossed for you.

Oh @Miscarriage39 I'm so sorry you're still going through all this and that the spotting has started up again - it's all so frustrating and unfair isn't it? I completely understand how you feel about being angry about it and I feel the same way in terms of ttc our second and then having the mc in a way it feels like I shouldn't be upset because, well I've already got my dd, but I think it is reasonable to feel sad that you aren't managing to give them the sibling you wanted and planned for in the same way that it is reasonable to long for a first and not get it. I really hope you get some answers soon or that the bleeding stops. 🤞 for you and lots of virtual hugs!

Thank you @Miscarriage39 I'm trying to relax where I can, I walked to the scan yesterday and it was a beautiful day and a lovely walk and it really helped me relax before the scan. Trying to be less crazy about pregnancy tests and Google too.

I'm so sorry you're still going through this physical challenge. It doesn't matter how many children you have, a loss is still a loss and on top of that, when you have ongoing unresolved physical symptoms, it can just be exhausting. It sounds like it's been going on long enough for them to just scan you. Do you know what the wait times would be once the Dr decides to scan? Last year my GP sent me for ovarian scans for something (not related to pregnancy or miscarriage) and it was super quick even during COVID so hopefully you can get a quick scan?

Your situation made me think about something. Isn't it crazy that you can call EPU and get a scan if you're having problems in pregnancy, but if you've already miscarried and you're having issues, there's nowhere you can call directly and be scanned? It's like if it's after the pregnancy it doesn't matter anymore? Similarly for private scans, there's a million private providers out there offering reasonably cheap ultrasounds for pregnancy but it seems like you can't find such cheap ultrasound scans if you're having problems outside of pregnancy? I was just thinking whether there was any way you could try to find a private clinic to scan you if the GP is being difficult.

Thanks for all your support Kiwi17 and AlbiMix, and AlbiMix, Imm please to hear you are managing to do things that relax you a little.

AlbiMix, you make a really good point about all the provisions for when you are pregnant, including private services, but the complete absence when it all goes wrong. My friend is pregnant. It wasn’t planned and they contemplated a termination but decided to go ahead. She mentioned to her midwife that she had found the whole thing stressful and got referred to IAPTs. Because she is pregnant, she will start therapy within six week. I was in tears at the GP on Monday. She asked if I would like a referral to IAPTs, but mentioned straightaway that there is currently over an 18 month way. Because I ‘m not pregnant and don’t have a baby under one, I’m not eligible for the fast track route. When my friend told me about her referral on Tuesday, I could have cried. It just felt like another kick in the teeth. I know she has found this stressful, but she’s not the one crying on a regular basis, and randomly bursting into tears. She’s not the one suddenly remembering the shock of being told at the 12 week scan that her baby had died etc etc. I feel very selfish, and don’t resent her having treatment, but I do resent that because I have no baby, I am apparently ‘less worthy’.

Sorry, another really long, self-centred rant!