Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 3. ALL welcome!

[AMS19]

Previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/4139555-Support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-MC-MMC-Thread-2-ALL-welcome?pg=1

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Sorry if I've missed anyone, MN wasn't showing me everyone who had posted xx

justwant2beamum It is such awful timing with Mother’s Day just round the corner. I am another one who would say I was sick and skip the baby shower. It certainly sounds like a painful experience that you don’t need right now, and you must put yourself as your priority for the moment.
On the bleeding front, I had surgery on Tuesday and didn’t bleed at all afterwards, but have started today. They said it was normal for two-to-three weeks. If your cramps get worse, though, maybe call your dr for reassurance?

DappledOliveGroves that sounds like a proactive plan moving forwards. I hope it helps when you are ready.

Thanks @DappledOliveGroves that's really helpful!

Hi everyone

Apologies in advance for being so down. Seeing an email saying ‘you’re 13 weeks pregnant’ this morning set me back a bit. I thought I had unsubscribes to all of those but clearly not.

I’m also feeling physically quite rough still. I’m still in pain from the infection and on a different course of antibiotics. I called today and my swabs still aren’t back so we don’t even know if these are the right antibiotics.

I can’t face going back to work (this is my fifth week off) but I feel like people think I should be over it. Most friends have stopped asking how I am and even my mum isn’t really calling. Apart from coming on here I feel very lonely.

DH and I had our first counselling session together. I was due to start my own counselling but the lady suggested we do the relationship counselling first.

I keep trying to motivate myself with small things like ordering some paint swatches but I just can’t focus on anything as to be honest nothing seems important.

My ERPC was 3 weeks ago on Tuesday and I know I should do a pregnancy test (did one last week and it was still positive) but I just can’t face doing another one.

The only small comfort I’ve got is from reading books about spirit babies but part of me just wonders if I’m kidding myself about the babies coming back to me one day.

Sorry this is so down, I’m just feeling a bit lost.

@Badlydrawngirly please don't ever apologise for feeling down - you are completely entitled to feel like that especially after everything you are and have gone through. I'm sorry you are in pain still and it must be so frustrating not knowing whether the antibiotics will work this time. Fingers crossed for you that they do 🤞 in terms of going back to work it should be on your terms and when you feel ready - if you are still struggling emotionally and physically then who has the right to tell you to get back to work? Only you can say that and from what I've seen on here everyone deals with it differently and at different times and that's not taking into account your infection too. Please do keep posting on here, I am finding it really helpful myself so if it helps you do it. How did you find the counselling? Did it seem helpful? I hope you manage to find something small to do today that helps you - maybe learning something new like a hobby might distract you? I crochet which is my favourite distraction and helps me :) here if you want to talk.

Hi @kiwi17

Thank you so much for replying and reassuring me.

You’re right, only I know when I’m ready to go back and I am trying to be kinder to myself. I think it’s more comfortable for other people to pretend it hasn’t happened.

The counselling was good and we did talk about the miscarriage and the effect it had on the relationship. We deal with things very differently and I felt hurt that DH didn’t want to talk about things. She thinks we have unresolved conflict from previous losses and I think that’s very true. I’m just impatient and wish we could have a session every day and get it all out!

I’m distracting myself by looking at new houses and catching up on some admin. I found out the cost of the NK cells biopsy and it’s £350 which was less than I thought it might be so that cheered me up a bit! It’s such an odd thing to get excited about!

I guess I’m mostly disappointed that people have stopped checking in on me. Maybe I’m being extra sensitive. Only one of my close friends has been through this so I guess none of the others really understand.

I’m also thinking the continued pain might be pre AF pains as I usually suffer for a few days before. I’ve become obsessed with wondering how long it will be until AF arrives as I can then work out when I can have the biopsy!

Thanks again x

@Badlydrawngirly never apologise on here for how your feeling this thread is exactly for the purpose of support from people who understand your position.

I am the opposite I am fed up with people asking me if I'm "better". I haven't had the flu I lost my baby! You are never going to suddenly forget that process has happened to you and it has changed your outlook on certain things. I honestly think people don't know what to say or do after the initial 2 weeks. Focus on you though little wins and successes.

Definitely don't feel pressured to going back to work. I was off for 5 weeks and on a phased return for the last month I know it was too soon for me to go back but was feeling guilty.

Counselling has really been helping me especially with understanding of processing the trauma (my MC ended quite badly with trauma unit and high blood loss) I think if it's too much too soon then it will overload a situation. I know it's frustrating you just want it all resolved so you can feel a bit more you but have patience and faith in the process.

I'm glad you've found something to focus on @Badlydrawngirly and the counselling sounds like it will be something really positive and helpful for you both - I know what you mean about being impatient though and wanting to get it all out, I went through CBT for anxiety a few years ago and the sessions always seemed to end just when I was getting into it! New house hunting is always fun - are you looking at moving home soon? In terms of people checking in on you - that is tough. I'm not really a people person so prefer to be left on my own but a few friends who I have told have been lovely about it. I definitely think I wouldn't have known what to say to something prior to going through it myself so I know what you mean, people don't really know how to help. It's why it should all be talked about more! Can you talk to the friend who has gone through it? I've not heard much about the NK cells but have just had a little Google! Is it something that you think might be affecting you? I can imagine the impatience for waiting when you are hoping to be able to move onto the next stage :)

Badlydrawngirly please never apologise here for feeling down. Five weeks is still very early in this journey. I am glad you have found something to help distract (I love Rightmove, even though we’re unlikely to move for decades), and hopefully the counselling will continue to be a positive experience. I too have had counselling (for something else), and I think the desire to work through everything quickly and just keeping going with it is very common. I am sorry, though, that you feel your friends and family aren’t really being supportive anymore. Is there anyone you would feel comfortable bringing it up with and initiating a conversation, if you thought that might help? It might be that they sonny want to keep mentioning it, but are happy to speak about it if it’s what you need. I totally agree with what Kiwi17 says about this being a reason that miscarriage needs talking about more.
As others have said, don’t feel pressurised to go back to work until your are ready. It is completely natural to not feel ready yet. Give both you body and mind time to heal. You are the important thing here and you have to do what you have to do.

Hi @Scottishskifun

Thank you, I remember you saying that counselling has helped you. That sounds like an awful experience. Mine wasn’t quite the same but even before this miscarriage I was experiencing what I thought was some kind of PTSD when visiting the hospital as it was the same place I went to find out about 2 ectopics and a blighted ovum and also had my left tube removed and an ERPC.

That’s what I’m struggling to explain this time, it’s not just the loss it’s the previous losses and the physical trauma I’ve experience over the years.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but thank you for reassuring me.

I’m sorry people have asked if you’re ‘better’ as that’s just insensitive. I’m dreading that at work to be honest as not many people know why I’ve been off.

@kiwi17 we only started thinking about moving when we found out I was pregnant because we’re in a town house and I didn’t fancy all the stairs with a newborn. I also love a good nose on Rightmove to get ideas for decorating and I think part of me would like a new start.

I suspect I have NK cells because I have an autoimmune and clotting issue and have always fallen pregnant after being on steroids. I’ve struggled to get my gynae to listen to me but he finally agrees I probably should be on low dose steroids in pregnancy. I’ve agreed to have the NK cells biopsy first but I am so impatient as need to wait for a proper cycle. I just want to get going again. After my tube removal in 2017 I fell pregnant without a period but that tuned out to be a blighted ovum. So I know it can happen but I’m scared of another loss.

You’re right, miscarriage should be talked about more. I understand that people feel uncomfortable about it but it should be treated like any other loss. You wouldn’t ignore the fact that someone lost a family member would you? It also upset me that normally work send flowers if you experience a bereavement but I didn’t get anything. There’s almost a stigma around it. I’m glad some celebrities have started speaking out, I think that’s very brave of them.

@Miscarriage39 I think you’re right, it could be that they don’t want to keep mentioning it in case it upsets me. Thank you for reassuring me about work. I’m really trying to be kind to myself but I can’t help but feel and when I see other people have only taken a few days off! I know we’re all different and this has been physically tough on top of the emotional shock of everything.

I can’t thank you all enough for your support.

@Badlydrawngirly I found some material on trauma and as soon as I read it I was like ahhh yeah that's exactly what I'm going through. It sounds like your the same. It's tough but with the counselling I've learnt that I can't magic it away my brain needs to process it. Slowly it is and my sleep is improving, flashbacks decreasing and headaches are lessening.

Recognising that you will heal if you give yourself time, keep speaking about it when you feel comfortable even if like me it just comes out as blubber the first few times etc and doing something for you where you can find some peace will all help. It might not feel it at the time but when you compare the weeks progress you will see how far you're processing.

I have my smear in 2 weeks and already know this may be a serious trigger for me but I'm trying to rationalise it with tips from my counsellor. I know I can't fully control my emotions on the day but hopefully it wont be a full blown car crash event for me!

Badlydrawngirly some people do only take a few days off, yes, but often they will be relatively early on in their journey. As you have pointed out, you are struggling with not just this recent loss, but lots of pain and loss from the past as well. You have been through such a lot, that it’s not at all surprising you don’t feel able to work at the moment. Be kind to yourself and try not to compare yourself to others.

Ladies someone I know is due the same day I was and has posted a picture of her scan on a WhatsApp group we're in together today. I started bleeding quite heavily this morning so the timing was just awful and I feel like I've been kicked repeatedly in the solar plexus. I've spent the day feeling like a terrible person for how much I hate her. Seeing all the congratulations has broken me x

@HotCupOfNo it's so hard, isn't it. A good friend of mine is now 17 weeks and when I found out I was pregnant I was so excited at the thought of our children playing together.

On another note, does anyone know how to change Instagram algorithms so that I don't get endless photos of pregnant women and pregnancy announcements?

@DappledOliveGroves if you find out please, please let me know, Instagram is a no go for me right now

@hotcupofno your not a terrible person at all it's natural and very normal reaction. I found it easier to silence a few WhatsApp messages and hide people on Facebook etc

Oh no @HotCupOfNo :( I 100% get that and you're not a bad person at all. My friend is 20+ weeks and continuously brags about it only taking them one time to concieve and I can't actually talk to her right now. I'm sure it'll get easier but definitely hit that mute button right now. I have to admit this week I have basically muted all WhatsApp groups I'm in as I can't take the constant normal chat!

@DappledOliveGroves same - I can't go on the search function without it being endless pregnancy reveals and announcements.... I have no time for such things. Maybe start searching for vegetables or fast cars on the Instagram search and it'll change your preferences?!

Thankyou @kiwi17 and @Scottishskifun, I am going to stay off WhatsApp for a bit. It's a big group and everyone replied directly to the picture to congratulate my friend, so it was just the scan photo coming up constantly on my phone with loads of 'yay congrats!', it was actually so bad it was nearly funny (looking back).

Hope everyone is ok today ❤️❤️❤️

@Badlydrawngirly please, do not feel bad at all about how long you need to take off of work, I just want to echo what everyone else has said about being kind to yourself. You deserve to take this time to heal as much as you can. I've found my one, 'easy compared to others' miscarriage a bit like death by a thousand cuts. Every blood test, every poke and prod by strangers adds up and leaves you feeling invaded and traumatised. Every hospital visit and phone call from the epac is so loaded and anxiety inducing. I think you are incredibly strong xxxxx

HotCupOfNo you are not horrible at all. You are hurting and this is too painful right now. Silence the Watts app group for now. Nobody else will know, but you won’t get notifications.

Kiwi17 I’m sorry you have a friend saying that constantly. It is really unfair and insensitive, as we all know people who have struggled to get pregnant or had blips along the way. You are doing the right thing to avoid her at the moment. Protect yourself.

Sorry, I have no idea regarding Instagram algorithms, but really wish so did! So many pregnancy and baby things keep popping up 😔.

Thanks @Miscarriage39 I know sometimes people don't mean to be insensitive but really you'd think that people should know better when like you say so many people struggle with infertility and miscarriage. It all just feels so unfair doesn't it? Only upside of lockdown is it is very easy to avoid people you don't want to see!

Hi everyone, had a busy day at work today but just catching up on the thread, @DappledOliveGroves so sorry you've had to join ❤️ just wanted to comment on your vaccine posts, I was the same as I'm in the vulnerable category, they didn't give me it when pregnant but I had it a week after my MC. I'm now fretting about TTC, only because I reacted with a very high fever to the first dose and I don't think I'd want that again if I had managed to get pregnant, so now I'm unsure if I should wait until after the second dose which isn't until mid may and I do just want to get back on TTC or at least not actively avoid it.

@Badlydrawngirly I'm so sorry you're feeling down, I agree with what others have said that you've been through so much, and it takes so much strength, only you can know when you're ready to return to work. I didn't take time off because I'm working from home and didn't want my manager to find out I had a MC, but I'm fully aware that it's really bad that I didn't take time off and I'm probably going to look back and regret it. It's partly because I also have other health issues and I'm very conscious of not wanting to take too much time off. Awful I know, and I think you're so right to be taking the time you need. Also re: people not checking in, I must say I felt the same at first, only a couple of people know about my MC and they stopped checking in very soon after so I was a bit upset, but then a package arrived from my friend filled with chocolate treats and a card saying she was thinking of me but just finding it hard to know what to say. So I think sometimes people just don't know what to say or do but they're still thinking of you. Btw I was also dreading doing my pregnancy test but I actually found it so much easier than I expected because it turned out to be negative and I felt closure. I know you'll be anxious but it can also be a positive experience.

@HotCupOfNo I haven't been on Instagram since my MC and I've been on Facebook twice but as soon as I saw a baby thing I scrolled on and decided I'm not going back on it again. I also didn't congratulate someone on a WhatsApp group when they announced a second pregnancy, I know they did because it popped up on my screen at the time but I just chose not to look at the messages. I feel a bit bad but also I need to protect my mental health, so I'm not beating myself up and I don't think you should either.

I'm going out of my mind waiting for AF 😭😭 just want a sign that my body is getting back to normal. This might sound stupid and sorry for TMI but I'm worried my boobs aren't doing anything, they've not been tender since before my MC and I feel like it's a sign my hormones aren't right. Am I crazy?

Hope everyone is holding up ok ❤️

Hello all

Firstly sorry that you've all had to join this group :( I'm sorry I'm also hoping to join. Sadly my husband and i found out at a private scan on Tuesday the baby had no heart beat (9weeks). It has really took us by surprise as i had a scan with EPU at 7 weeks and everything was great, measurement heart beat etc.
I have an appointment at EPU to confirm everything later today. I wondered if anyone could tell me what to expect at hospital? Will it be another scan and will i be given options regarding course of action?
Thanks and sorry for the question just the unknown is freaking me out.

@SamBass yes they will do another scan to confirm and then you will be given options for what you want to do going forward.
The options are natural management which is waiting to see if your body miscarries this can be several weeks
Medical management which is tablets and then miscarriage at home usually
Surgical management which has 2 different procedure options.

Its very overwhelming and can be a lot to take in. There is a wide range on this group.
I suggest reading the miscarriage trust website which goes over the different options but also has people's experience.

Sorry you have had to join here it's a horrible unfair thing to happen but this thread is full of women who know how your feeling and the very emotional roller-coaster that happens. Big hugs.

@Scottishskifun thank you for your quick reply. To be honest its hit me harder than I thought, it was out first pregnancy so still trying to have some hope for the future. In regards to options am i likely to be allowed to choose or could then send me home to wait a while first? I've had no symptoms of miscarriage at all other than i no longer feel pregnant (pregnancy symptoms all gone) x

Welcome @SamBass and I'm so sorry for your loss :( you've come to the right place these ladies are lovely and like the poster below said, so many different experiences to draw from. I had my appointment at EPU on Monday just gone, I had a second scan to confirm (we had a private one too so needed to take the scan report from that with us) and then they talked us through options and sent us off to think about it and call them later with my choice. I'm sure it varies according to hospital but they completely let me choose what I wanted to do. I went back the next day to get the medication having phoned them on Monday afternoon choosing that, but by the time I saw the Dr on Tuesday my body had already started the process (I had been spotting for a week anyway which is why we'd booked the private scan) so I decided not to take the medication and just go with the natural option. If I hadn't have been bleeding already though I would probably have gone medical. I have another scan booked on the 25th to essentially check it's all gone. Hope that helps! I found my epu really lovely and helpful and very much letting us direct things - the only downside due to covid was that the EPU was in the same place as antenatal so having to sit and watch everyone else go for their scans happy as Larry was difficult but just a circumstance of the situation we're in I guess. I hope today goes smoothly for you.

@sambass my experience is that you can do either - choose then or take time to think about it.
The only thing at the moment is that with covid some trusts aren't doing surgical management under a GA also for surgical management you need to have a negative covid test so it's about a 3 dayish wait.

I was due for surgery but went into natural miscarriage before this happened but I was 14 weeks with baby's hb stopping at 9 weeks. So the 3 days for many people won't mean that you go into natural miscarriage but obviously everyone is different.

It's incredibly tough and it is grief for many no matter how much you try to rationalise it as for many you start thinking about that baby in your arms so it's natural to then grieve that when it's taken away. For me it's been a very tough process but slowly it does get easier. Just take care of yourself take it each hour you will have moments of being fine and others of uncontrollable sobbing. What I'm saying is that it's all OK and don't try to bottle the feelings up.