Support thread for those experiencing or recently experienced a MC/MMC - Thread 2. ALL welcome!

[AMS19]

Hi ladies

This thread is open for EVERYONE. To discuss the highs, lows, emotions, and experiences of us all going through our miscarriage journey. Together we will get through this!

Previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/4119053-Support-thread-for-those-experiencing-or-recently-experienced-a-MC-MMC?pg=1

To my incredible strong warriors...I cannot believe we filled a thread! We've got this ladies ❤
@DMT1982
@Scottishskifun
@glowingtwig
@mia2201
@Redfoxinthesnow
@Seasalt1984
@laurat94
@tamsin424
@cocoloco88
@SuzieDeLaTour
@Cordial11
@seasalt1984
@thehotelcalifornia
@TheDaydreamBelievers
@Pettylamby
@Lililou
@Enola41
@CocoLoco88
@Nicolamac1
@Sleeeeeepy
@Mellous
@Nicolamac1
@Semla
@Seasidestarfruit
@mummydoingamasters
@elm7
@MrsD1992
@CookieMonster3001
@Dryshampoo32

Sincere apologies for missing anyone xx

@SuzieDeLaTour totally agree with what you've said. Trouble is this was a bit of a theme when TTC DD. So we've had that exact conversation numerous times and now he gets defensive and says 'you don't need to keep telling me!' Then just goes and does it. But not all the time at all- most of the time it's just a few.

He did dry January so it's almost like he thinks it's ok to make up for it all in one go.

It always so lovely to come on here and just vent sometimes. I really do appreciate you ladies taking the time to respond, it literally makes me feel like I’m not going crazy and am normal. But you’re right, I’m learning to trust my body because I felt like it let me down! And being in lockdown, with little to occupy myself other than work (big sigh), it seemed to consume my mind. I met a friend for a walk and a coffee yesterday and wow. To have an hour or two of normality was insane. I forgot about our TTC journey, and we planned our next night out, sometime next year no doubt 😂. So not only have we been through something horrendous, but to do it during a pandemic has really challenged us, so you should all be so proud. And that goes for women who have had successful pregnancies too. It’s tough.

@glowingtwig without jumping on the other ladies posts - I’m of the same view. I’ve shared a bottle with my partner at most twice a week. We were so eager to conceive that we did absolutely everything right for months and it drove a huge wedge between us. The night before my positive we had a huge zoom blowout for a friends 40th! Looking back, we still need to live and enjoy ourselves during this time. Particularly as our pregnancy wasn’t successful, you feel like you make sacrifices for nothing. It’s so disheartening. The occasional night, I don’t feel would cause any harm. For me, it kept me sane!

I literally quote @SuzieDeLaTour. My OH literally has no clue what is involved in TTC, he is bloody useless 😂 and even now I still struggle with how I oblivious he is to how much of a yo-yo my emotions are. But it’s not meant maliciously, it’s not him being ignorant - he is simply a bloke and didn’t realise. It got to the point where I sat down with him last week and explained how I felt and how much I have low moments. So as Suzie says, maybe discuss it calmly with him and just tell him how you feel. It’s so difficult and I can completely appreciate how you feel. I guess it’s about communicating it in the right way. You don’t want to become resentful to one another during this time. I’ve been there and it’s awful - picking on each other’s habits and putting all of us focus into conceiving. Everything relationship is different and you know what will work for you both. Xxxx

@glowingtwig I think it's totally fair to ask for compromise. @SuzieDeLaTour and @Summersun001 are spot on about sitting down and chatting it through. You can hopefully then find some middle ground. For me, I prefer my husband having a night once a week where he drinks as he doesn't then drink any other night. We've also compromised that he comes to bed with me everynight so we can DTD, but then when I fall asleep he gets back up and plays on the PlayStation with his friends. Suits me, as I like to be asleep before 10pm 👵 but also means I don't feel him playing with his mates on the PS5 is stopping us getting pregnant. I think it's definitely about compromise and you being clear he is fine to have these times with his friends, but could he consider doing x or y. But that you totally appreciate how hard this must be for him too and that he needs a release xx

@sumersun001 oh lockdown definitely isn't helping. A night out with the girls would do me wonders! I'm not benefitting from the benefits of not being pregnant!

You're so right about that @Summersun001 and @SuzieDeLaTour he doesn't get how much brain space it takes up. He does get ovulation and sticks and things now though. I suppose I'm quite all or nothing about it.

But absolutely see what you mean about it driving a wedge. I feel guilty for having half a glass of wine so I can't comprehend how he can glug so much and it not bother him. Maybe I would feel the same if my eggs regenerated every few months, I dunno. He is also 5 years younger than me so not sure if that's why I don't just find the bingeing a bit blah.

Taking in what you've all said though and will fix a smile on my face for when he emerges. X

@AMS19 yes, I'll sit down with him later when dd is in bed and see what he says. It sounds like your arrangement is working well with bedtime.
I could really do with seeing a friend. We live in the middle of nowhere so it's hard to justify driving a long way to catch up at the moment.

Hi @glowingtwig I completely understand how you are feeling. Especially after what we've all been through with MC I think it can add that layer of even more worry to ttc. I also echo that my partner also does not always understand the complexities of ttc sometimes, or recognises the things I do to try and make our dream come true. I think it is partly down to just not good enough sex education in this country.

I think having a chat together is a good idea so he knows how you are feeling.

Definitely have been feeling the need to take my mind off things over the past week as think I was becoming quite obsessive with opk and the lack of sign I've even ovulated this month, so threw myself into some home renovations this weekend that we've been meaning to do for a while. It's definitely helped, but do find the days whilst I'm at work my mind is a lot more likely to wander. Have been trying to do some fertility meditations each day to help ground myself a bit more and just ordered a DIY macrame rainbow kit off Etsy this morning and looking forward to making that when it arrives .

@PlantMummy87 it's great to have ways of keeping the mind occupied. Work is absolutely crazy for me at the moment so that helps. Will calm down after Feb so I'll be back to doing puzzles and reading as a distraction I think. Weirdly I'm really enjoying tracking again. My temps are behaving and all nice and low, and my OPKs are back to being very low/zero so feel I'm in a good grounding. Really hoping for a peak next week 🙏

@glowingtwig I hope your chat went ok and you feel better for having spoken to him about it.
@PlantMummy87 hope the house renovations are going well. I made the mistake of deciding to try and paint my bedroom...regretting it, it’s much harder work than it looks ha ha.
@AMS19 that’s good you’re enjoying tracking again - I think it definitely makes you feel like you’re doing something to take control of your fertility and gives you a good focus. Sounds like you’re on track for a nice positive and lots of bedroom fun next week!! 😜 did you cave and do the Frer this morning or have you decided to hold off? X

@SuzieDeLaTour yeah it's strange how it gives a sense of control is this rollacoster where we have no control! No I didn't do the FRER. I thought about it, then decided not to bother and leave it to the blood test instead. I got a tiny tiny bit of EWCM today and feeling massively horny (sorry!) so all the signs look good. Only CD 7 though so probably at least another week until O day. How's things looking your end? Xx

@AMS19 looks like a good valentines for you haha

@AMS19 ahh well done holding off!! I’m 3 weeks post op now so hoping period will arrive in the next couple of weeks 🙌🏻 I’ve got no idea if I have ovulated or not so I want my period to arrive just so I have a better idea of what the heck is going on!! 🤪 x

How is everyone? I'm CD15 first clean cycle after MMC, no sign of ovulation but temps look normal for me overall. Just focusing on DTD and waiting for ovulation.

@Ralala yes my husbands very pleased 😊

@SuzieDeLaTour hopefully not long. My period really was a massive nothing! Basically 3 days of decent spotting. But has stopped for the last 4 days which is good!

@TheDaydreamBelievers charts looking good. Temps look at a decent level. Fingers crossed O day isn't too far away! We are going to have sex every other day and then once a day when we get near CD13 which was my peak previously!

@AMS19 I’ve never tracked temp before....How does it work? Xx

@Summersun001 so you'll need a baseo thermometer (one that goes to 2 DP). I use the Fermometer one of amazon. Essentially you're temps rise after ovulation. All OPKs show you is you had a Lh surge but that doesn't always result in ovulation. Some women have more than one surge for example. But if your temps rise after the surge and stay elevated then it "confirms" when you do ovulate. I chart it using Fertility Friend. It doesn't matter what your temps are, just that they rise after ovulation. Does that make sense? I've attached my chart from the cycle I fell pregnant to hopefully show what I mean! Red line is confirmed ovulation because my temps rose. That was the day after my peak LH surge

Basel*

@Summersun001 sorry that was terrible English! Multitasking! Xx

@AMS19 no that’s great thank you! It’s funny you mention multiple surges. I think that’s exactly what has happened this month. I think I actually ovulated later. And you do these each morning when you wake up? I’m going to give this a shot! Xx

@Summersun001 yeah needs to be the same time each morning, ideally after 4 hours undisturbed sleep. You shouldn't even lift your head up, so have it ready next to your bed. There is a website you can use to adjust now and again if you do it earlier/later. Most ladies set an alarm, but I never have. Just generally wake up the same time each day and use the adjuster if it's more than 30mins from the usual time 😀 I quite like the chart and recording everything and seeing it all come today. Fertility friend is the best app for tracking, thats the screenshot I sent. You can see I've recorded cervical mucus, when I've had sex, and OPKs. The red lines only appear when the app thinks you ovulated, so only if you get that temp rise. It usually shows period is coming too as you'll get a temp drop usually before it arrives! Xx

@AMS19 I’ve never tracked temp or used an app - I just relied on good ol’ “peeing on a stick”! but that looks so thorough I think I’m going to give it a go too. You are a pro at this tracking malarkey!!! 💪🏻 X

Ladies something that has annoyed me.... I suspect I am being completely over sensitive.... at my work (large employer with a big HR team) if you have a baby , HR send flowers, if someone close to you died, HR send flowers. If you have a miscarriage.... nothing. You get nothing.why? Is my loss less of a loss? HR know it’s a miscarriage. I mean I don’t want or need flowers from my work but I think it highlights the issue and the taboo surrounding miscarriage to be honest

Oh @Ralala I'm totally with you on that one. You should absolutely raise it. I suspect no one has thought about it and they would absolutely implement if it was brought to their attention?! I havent told anyone at work about my miscarriage, not even my boss knows. He knows I had surgery but that's it! Sad but it still feels too tabboo and I don't want him to know we are trying in case it impacts of opportunities. Again, I work for one of the largest UK employers so shouldn't do really...

Oh @Ralala that seems so unjust and don't think you are being over sensitive. I'm sure as @AMS19 said they probably hadn't thought about it and often places can get stuck in doing what they have done for the past so many years.

We also don’t have a miscarriage policy but we have a policy about everything else! I mean a policy about what personal use of the printer is allowed..... ! Something to raise I think when I feel stronger and won’t burst out crying... current stage for me. Due back tomorrow, current ignoring my bosses calls and wondering if to call my gp to get another week. I feel ridiculous. I have been off 3 weeks

@Ralala Morning Lovely. No I do understand and agree. It is yet another shit aspect to the subject of miscarriage.

Much like @AMS19 nobody knew at the time of mine, however when I returned I did tell people what had happened because I was so upset about it all, I felt as though by not telling people - it didn’t really happen? You would normally tell people when you’ve been ill, when you have had surgery, or been off. But admittedly, before having a miscarriage I was one of those people. I felt too uncomfortable talking about it through fear of upsetting that person? Because we all say, that the things people expect to comfort us actually hurt the most. And sadly, with grief and the trauma of a miscarriage there is never anything anyone can say or do that will make it better. That being said, employers should support you as they would anyone else and this is where they let women down. Be the positive change in bringing it to their attention? We’ve openly discussed it in work (not the fine details obviously) but I think sometimes, as sad as it is, with respect - people (management mainly) need to hear it. Again it doesn’t need to be flowers - it’s just recognition and a support network xx