I'm sorry, I haven't posted on here for almost a week, posted last Tuesday after I had the scan to confirm at the hospital and before I was going in for medical management on the weds. I came out of hospital on Friday last night after surgery by spinal block, so have just been recovering at home, but then worrying about dvt last night, but hopefully that's ok, though leg still hurts.
To be frank, it's been an utter shit show right from the 12 week scan, when they told me not to worry about my 13 and 5 baby only measuring 9 and 1, and ok to tell people. Fuck knows how they confirmed the heartbeat, since sure there wouldn't have been one. They broke me on the thurs night after the second round of medical management, where typical pain relief, oral morphine didn't touch the sides, and I used a whole tank of gas and air over the course of 5 hours, wouldn't give anything else, and just let me get on with it. Fortunately they let my husband come back, but he missed the very worse of it.
Reading the updates on here, and having gone through what I did, it makes me feel so angry that they make women go through what they are, the constant waiting, refusal of surgical option, It's just cruel. I know it's a crazy situation with the corona, but saw something the other day saying that people in bad situations should be accessing a&e, and I know a dead baby in someone's body an extra couple of weeks isn't considered risk to life (typically) but what do they think they are doing to our mental health?
I feel a complete an utter fraud as was going around for 7 weeks with a dead baby, and even when I shared news more widely, it had been dead for about 3-4 weeks, had my 7 year old daughter crying finally yesterday saying she wished she could lose her memory so she didn't have to be sad anymore and wished we didn't tell her (only did as they said ok to, and even got her a I'm going to be a big sister t-shirt to wear). I also don't know how I will ever go back to work, and I've been trying for a promotion for a while, was absolutely devastated last August when I didn't get it when everyone said I would and knew I had earned it (shit at interviews). Feel like that door is closed to me now as there's no way I could talk about how great I am now, and risk taking yet another blow to my mental health when I don't get it again.
Also sad as this is the end of my baby journey. I'll be 39 in June, and we would have finished trying then as it would have been 18 months. Can't keep trying indefinitely as it's so hard having your life on hold in the meantime. I did wonder if I ever got over this if I could go there again, but when I came out of theatre, someone said to me what was in there was stuck inside, so I think I could possibly have asherman's syndrome, as some symptoms fit. Had retained placenta removed under surgery 7 years ago. That can only be confirmed under general anaesthetic, which is obviously off the cards for who knows how long, then it would take months if not years to treat.
It's also so hard with corona as all the things I would do to cheer myself up can't be done, maybe I would just want to hole up at home, but we don't get the choice, and all support network except my husband can't be accessed face to face. Just can't really see how I will finally pick myself up again from all this!