Please or to access all these features

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Missed Miscarriage

602 replies

Hol54321 · 21/04/2020 14:31

Hi Ladies,

Just looking for some friends at this devastating time. It's one of those, that will never happen to me moments but sure enough it did. Went along to my 12 week scan and boom, I'm hit with the news that baby has no heartbeat. They also said baby looked smaller than expected so did an internal scan too. They measured baby and said it was approx just over 9 weeks. Can not explain the effects on both myself and my husband. It was our first baby. Gone but never forgotten 💖

OP posts:
tryingtimes20 · 30/04/2020 10:19

@CAnary0 also Happy Birthday for tomorrow! Cake I know everything is crappy atm, but please do treat yourself to something sweet/alcoholic/whatever your preference!

@Mlou32 good to hear from you, and I totally understand what you're saying - I'm also very keen to move forward and start TTC again ASAP. You have no reason to feel guilty at all; it is a personal preference for which everyone will have their own justifications.

I actually just said to my husband that sometimes the whole thing almost seems like a dream, even though from start to end (beginning with the successful cycle to now) it's been about three months. I think it's probably a psychological coping mechanism to try and gently draw a veil over things.

tryingtimes20 · 30/04/2020 10:22

@SkyBlue20 I totally agree with you re. the blood rant! Who would have thought there is so much in there (even if it's only little bits), and that it can keep coming out for so dratted long - RAR! Angry

In forward thinking positive mode, tomorrow is nearly here! :)

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 10:23

@TryingTimes20 I said the same to my husband last night - it feels like it happened to somebody else. Actually being pregnant feels like it never happened (probably doesn't help that life has changed SO much in other ways since then, too) and even the 12 week scan feels like a different lifetime ago (it was 5 weeks ago today). Like you say, probably a coping mechanism but in a weird way, I want to remember it - I don't want it to be as raw as it was, obviously, but it was still a life experience. I have a TERRIBLE memory though.

tryingtimes20 · 30/04/2020 10:24

Argh, sorry it cut off the last bit of my sentence. I meant to say: ...tomorrow is nearly here! It's totally normal to feel nervous, but everything will be OK. You can do this!

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 10:29

Thanks @tryingtimes20 🥰 I'll get through it because I have no other choice, so just focusing on how short the worst part of it is meant to be and how I'll be home and on my couch by the evening and all of this should hopefully be over.

WildflowerPetals · 30/04/2020 10:42

@tryingtimes20 I’m feeling ok today thanks. Yesterday was tough - my bleeding and pain started just a few hours after I’d had the tablets (I’m definitely not complaining about that btw, I’d rather not be waiting!). I was in a lot of pain/discomfort and also felt dizzy and sick. I had some paracetamol and ibuprofen which seemed to help a lot and I managed to have a sleep for an hour or so. When I woke up after my nap it was like the flood gates had opened - luckily I had a pad on or my mattress would’ve been ruined (sorry tmi 😂). I then sat on the loo and just let all the rest come out. I also passed a large tissue mass which got stuck on the way out (tmi again!), that was quite traumatising in a way. I just hope that was the sac and I don’t have to pass one of those again! I didn’t get much sleep last night but I’m feeling ok today, I’m not in any pain atm so hopefully I’ve got the worst over with 🤞🏼 X

tryingtimes20 · 30/04/2020 10:55

@Wildflowerpetals not TMI at all, and happy on your behalf that the tablets worked quickly, although so sorry to hear about some of the trauma you had to go through between then and now. I really hope too that the worst is over for you, and very glad to hear you aren't in any pain anymore. Be gentle on yourself today, and let us know how it goes xx

Sakura54 · 30/04/2020 11:34

@mlou32 I don't think you should feel bad at all for wanting to try again; it’s a good thing instead of just dwelling on what’s happened. I would try again if it wasn't for CV. Some people can only move on once they have a baby even.

Whether we want to forget about this or not, it's ok either way. For me, this isn't something I want to remember as it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. I've lost my memory of the SM...if only I could forget about this whole failed pregnancy.

Lol seems like quite a few of us have April birthdays. Mine was at the start...not that I did anything apart from sleep as I was suffering from pregnancy symptoms. Suffered pointlessly for absolutely no reason I now know.

Lol @skyblue20 that’s actually so true. This whole thing revolves around checking for blood, how crazy and kinda odd. Regarding being nervous before SM, I frigging started shaking when I lied down on the operating table. They said my heart rate was through the roof and had to chat to me to calm me down. I didn’t have a spinal block so don't know how yours will be, but I hope you only feel minimal pain and that it won’t be a bad experience. It's nearly over after the terrible way you've been treated and you can finally move on. You can do this! You've got this!

WildflowerPetals · 30/04/2020 11:37

@tryingtimes20 Thank you, I will do. Hope you’re well 😘 x

amyspames · 30/04/2020 11:53

@Doughnut100 rage is good, we would be weird after everything we have gone through if we weren't angry about it. Feel the same everyone being pregnant and babies everywhere.

Does anyone know how to turn off the baby / pregnancy ads on Facebook? Pretty sure it was mentioned early on for this thread or another one I was posting on, but think I'll be hard pushed to find it as lots on here now, but they're there every time I go on
Facebook and would rather they weren't!

@WildflowerPetals glad the tablets worked for you, and hopefully all is over now, though that sounds v traumatic with all the blood and things getting stuck. It's crazy how something so small can cause such an issue, I saw it after surgery, as didn't know what to do when asked, so thought it was better to see and wish I hadn't afterwards rather than not look and wish I had. It was literally smaller than my little finger.

@SkyBlue20 not long now until tomorrow. Hopefully the local anaesthetic will work good, you will prob still feel pressure and moment, but not the pain, though it's hard to tell at first which is which. I'm sure if you start freaking out they will give you something like they did me to calm u down.

@CAnary0 hope you have some nice goodies to cheer you up, and you are not on antibiotics like me so can have a nice drink. Can't wait for Saturday so I can have a few and finally crack open the red velvet Baileys my husband bought for me for valentines before we found out.

@Sakura54 how old is your son? How is he coping with it, if he knows?

@Mlou32 I'm 38 too, and don't know what to do. It's funny how time changes things, as less than a week ago I was adamant that I was NEVER doing this ever again, I dont know now what to do. I just wish that someone would tell me your time is up, don't cause more pain by pushing for something that won't happen, or keep going, persevere, you will get there. Of course no-one can tell me this, and even if they did, I prob wouldn't listen. It's just so hard as I live for a plan and a bit of organisation, love my holidays, and I've already had to make plans at relatively short notice, and make sure they would still work if I did fall pregnant, and it's just such an arse when friends want to make plans like big nights out, spa days etc, and you don't know whether you'll have to cancel altogether, tell people before you are ready, or blatantly lie to them. For eg, I had a spa day and cocktails booked with my friend less than 2 weeks before I found out, and had to tell her before I was quite ready to, as couldn't stick the lying of - oh no, I won't go in the steam / sauna / jacuzzi as I don't feel like it / have a headache etc, when I'm usually first in there, and oh no, I don't feel like drinking / have a headache etc when she knows I'm like a fish and make the most of an opportunity for a good drink child-free!

How long is everyone thinking of having off work? My sick note from Friday ends tomorrow, and I already had 3 days self-certify before that the day I found out and in hospital the next 2 days, but I'm sure I'm not ready to go back Monday. Think I'll get another week, but even then I don't think I want my camera switched on for meetings. Still don't want to see anyone.

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 12:27

@WildflowerPetals Doesn't sound like a nice experience (understatement of the year, sorry!) but I'm glad it worked quickly for you and it's hopefully nearing the end if not over already. Sending love.

@Sakura54 Thank you!

@amyspames Facebook - the next time an ad (any ad) comes up, click on the three dots in the top right, block it and then when it asks why, put 'sensitive topic', then it will pop up with an option to 'make changes to your ad settings'. Click that then go through all of the options and hit the cross on any that you don't want to see. Worked for me, hope it does for you!

In terms of work, I work for myself so am quite flexible but am very aware that when I'm off, I'm leaving my business partner to pick up all of the slack, so I had the day of my 12 week scan and the day after off, then the day of my medical management and the day after that off, and am having tomorrow off obviously but not sure yet about Monday, going to see how I feel. That's just me though - I'm finding work a good distraction and don't have to be on many calls or video chats or anything so it's a bit different, plus it's not crazy intense at the moment either (though I've not been very productive either). You take as much time as you think you need - there's no point you being back at work if you don't feel up to it, it's not good for you and you won't get much done anyway. Can you explain how you're feeling to your boss and ask about the video call situation? Would they be understanding?

I know I don't have to worry about it now at all but I keep thinking about whether I'd use the same hospital again were I be lucky enough to get pregnant again and I just can't decide! The staff are lovely, it's quite close and my husband was born there, which are all bonuses, but obviously I've been passed from pillar to post, too. I can't decide whether that's just because of COVID-19 though and it'd be different in 'normal' times. I don't particularly like the other hospitals near me and the only other one I'd really want is about a 40min drive away but then a couple of friends didn't like their experiences there (but a couple did). Not worrying about it or deciding or anything, just a musing really 🤔

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 12:29

I should add, my 12 week scan was on a Thursday so although I only took the Friday off, I obviously had the weekend, too. I also found that weekends were the worst for me at first - being stuck in the house with nothing to do, my mind just kept wandering back to what was going on, so that's why I wanted to work xx

Workingmama1 · 30/04/2020 13:12

@Sakura54 glad DS is OK. My daughter tripped over her high chair legs and went flying on Tuesday. She now has a massive egg on her head and I was crying which is not my normal response! I think going through a MC makes them even more precious.

@skyblue20 I had all my care for my daughter at Bolton and they were great (including a visit to EPU) and so I'd like to think they've been so shit because of the covid situation.

I'm feeling really flat today. If I didn't have to look after my daughter I think I would have spent the morning in bed. I just can't be bothered doing anything, even eating feels like a chore. Meant to be going back to work on Monday and right now don't feel like I could face it. I thought I'd got my head around everything as its been 5 weeks since there was an indication something might be wrong but it seems not!

WildflowerPetals · 30/04/2020 13:28

@amyspames @SkyBlue20 The tissue mass that got stuck was probably around 6cm long and 3cm wide, I’ll not go into too much detail but I basically had to pull it out, it was awful 😰

As for going back to work - My manager has told me to take as much time as I need but I’m wondering whether to go back Monday. It might do me some good to be out of the house and around other people. Then again, work is really quiet at the minute so that might lead to me just sitting and thinking about what could’ve been. I’m in two minds about what to do but I’ll see how I feel Sunday night.

Sakura54 · 30/04/2020 14:48

@amyspames He’s only little, 2 years 9. I didn’t tell my 6 yo nephew about the pregnancy. His mum had a MC a few months ago and he doesn’t know about that either. DH’s nieces know and will probably ask me about the baby but oh well.

Agreed. If only someone could tell us that things will be ok. Not knowing whether we will have a future successful pregnancy makes this even more unfair. We don’t deserve to endure anymore pain, suffering and uncertainty.

@Workingmama1 Aw...bless her. They are always hurting themselves, but are so resilient. I asked DH if he thought I would have reacted like this normally, as I sat there crying afterwards even though DS was back to normal.

Btw guys, if hearing us mention our kids offends you or is triggering, please let us know as I don’t want to make anyone feel even worse! I’m aware that some people may think that those with kids have it easier when it comes to MC and it’s ok if that’s how you feel.

Ranoutofgoodnames · 30/04/2020 18:12

Hello ladies. Just caught up - so many messages that in some way say exactly how I am feeling.

Today would have been my twelve week scan. I feel very sad. I had imagined getting home and telling some people who didn’t yet know and I was going to go online and buy a couple of small outfits. I’m sorry I don’t mean to make anyone else feel sad. But I feel so sad. I have just got back into bed and I think I will stay here for the evening.

I worked this morning - can’t seem to concentrate for too long. I desperately want to start trying again but I need to wait for a while for lots of reasons.

The positive here is that I am not bleeding today - first day since the surgery. So much blood as has been noted today!! And of course I am actually really keen for my period to become so no doubt I will give myself one day to feel happy I am not bleeding and tomorrow I will be hoping for blood and for my period to come - it’s exhausting ladies...

Ranoutofgoodnames · 30/04/2020 18:13

@Sakura54 absolutely fine for kids to be mentioned from my perspective xx

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 18:22

@Workingmama1 That’s good to know! My instinct is that I do like Bolton and the staff have been so lovely - I feel like I can’t judge too much based on them being TOO protective during a global pandemic, even if it did make the experience worse for me. You feeling any better this evening? Hope so 💕

@Sakura54 No problem at all mentioning kids from me ☺️

@ranoutofgoodnames Sending love, milestones are difficult.

Just packing my bag for tomorrow, anything anyone would recommend taking that I may not have thought of? I have: a magazine, headphones, stuff downloaded on to my phone, sweets, plain crisps (that’s all I could stomach last time), crackers (ditto), lip balm, big bottle of water, sanitary pads, spare knickers. I’ll go wearing trackies so I’m comfortable afterwards...

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 18:25

Obviously I’ll also take my hand sanitiser. I have masks and gloves that I’ve been sent but I feel awkward about wearing them 🙈

Ranoutofgoodnames · 30/04/2020 18:33

Maybe slippers?

Workingmama1 · 30/04/2020 18:39

@skyblue20 good luck for tomorrow. I'd take some wet wipes to help freshen up afterwards if you've got any. Maybe a spare pair of bottoms as well just in case anything leaks (I don't know how much you bleed after a MVA). I'll be thinking of you, its mad you will only be a few miles down the road from me!

Workingmama1 · 30/04/2020 18:40

I had a 2.5 hour accidental nap this afternoon, I think I'm more wiped out than I realised! My manager has text me to catch up tomorrow and talk about if I want to take next week off. I wasn't intending on it but now she's suggested it I'm not sure what to do as I'm still struggling with concentration...

WildflowerPetals · 30/04/2020 19:23

@workingmama1 If you’re still not feeling 100% I’d take next week off. You don’t want to go back too soon and make yourself feel worse. I’ve thought about going back next week but I’m just going to see how I feel at the weekend x

Flex20 · 30/04/2020 19:35

Hi, I think I’m in the same situation as everyone here! Started bleeding around five weeks (over 3 weeks ago)...was told to wait it out by epu and do a pregnancy test. If positive then call them - I was positive so had a scan today and as suspected I have an empty pregnancy sac (20mm). Thinking I had made some progress and could move on and maybe medical management I was sad but had some hope. Nope...have to wait for another two weeks for a further scan just to make sure. It’s so hard as I know it’s def not good news and I’m experiencing strong pregnancy symptoms which is hard. Also not told work because I’m on a fixed term contract which ends in October so worried that if they knew I was trying for a baby they’d never consider extending. Very emotional times. I think I would go with the MVA if the scan shows no progress. It’s helped me reading through all your brave and frank stories so felt it was only fair to post. Thank you.

SkyBlue20 · 30/04/2020 20:23

Thanks for the suggestions, ladies.

It is mad how close we’ll be @Workingmama1 - we could even live on the same road and not know. Madness. It’s nice of your manager to offer the next week off, take it if you feel you need it - or could you maybe ask her to work and see how you are if you’d rather see how you go?

Welcome, @flex20. Lovely to see you here but so sorry it’s in the circumstance it is. I’m so sorry they’re making you wait - I was in much the same situation, ended up waiting two weeks after my 12 week scan then another week then kicked up a fuss, was only offered medical management, had that, it didn’t work, now booked in for an MVA tomorrow. It’s been long so I really feel your pain. I’m sorry you’re still having symptoms too, that must be really tough. Do keep in touch, we’ve got such a lovely group here, some really nice support and everyone going through different variations of the same thing so good advice whatever happens. Xx