Hey everyone. Hope I can join you.
I got pregnant for the first time ever in my entire life in February after 3 months actively TTC. Living with my mother in law, it was pretty stressful. But I felt like I was doing the right thing. I ate right, I took my vitamin religiously, I went to the spa, more of, I bought nearly everything for the arrival. From clothes to diapers in bulk to wipes to toys to the car seat, it was just a lot okay? DH waited on me hand and foot. I had noticed some spotting early on and I went to the hospital several times about it. They assured me to just take it easy. Finally, the day of my heartbeat scan that I’d so waited for, the sonographer went from joyful and sweet to rigid and tight lipped as she told us that she couldn’t see the baby nor hear a heartbeat. She advised us to go the ER which of course we did. March 12, 2020 was the second longest night of my life. For the second time a sonographer tried to relax me by making jokes and being silly and once the probe was in, the silence that filled the room go smother you if you didn’t keep breathing against it. 5 hearts beat where 6 should’ve. With a beta of over 100,000, the ER doctor told me she was sorry, she had been through it too, but that didn’t make it easier and it didn’t. I carried my little 6 week 6 day bean for 3 weeks after that. Hoping for a natural miscarriage, but in the end(11 weeks 4 days) I was sent to a doctor who stuck a probe in me for all of 2 minutes and prescribed me pills that he aptly told me “if you’re bleeding too much to insert them in your vagina, put em in your rectum”. I did that April 4th, 2020, and that was the longest night of my life. I never got a beautiful round baby bump to show off. Or one of those grainy little pictures with the squiggle at the bottom.
It’s been four days since then. I keep saying it’s okay because I can try again, but I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll never get pregnant. I’m scared this won’t be the last time. I’m scared I don’t deserve to carry something as beautiful and sacred as a baby. That’s for other people. Richer people, smarter people, the beautiful ones. My own mother in law can’t comprehend how I feel, she’s the only mother I have. In her way of “helping”, she informed me that’s why people don’t buy anything or tell anyone until they’re farther along. Sometimes I see the little grandma and grandpa shark that sing “baby shark” that I used for the announcement in their room and it’s a steady reminder of my greatest pain. Sometimes my younger brother and my niece are pang to the heart. A reminder. Sometimes I see my ex girlfriend post about her pregnancy with the man she’s dated for about 6 months, and that hurts. But finding out that my best friend since high school, who began to conceive a month after me, was pregnant was a blow indescribable. I pray for her to carry full term, because I love her. And no one deserves this pain. She’s having a girl. She’s probably 20 weeks or something by now. And I’m laying in my bed desperate to find out when/if I’ll ever be able to get that far. Life’s so freaking crazy.
I buried what I thought would’ve been my little Raspberry in a flower pot because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to be with him when I wanted to be, my idea is to plant forget-me-nots. Even thought I know I never will. And get a small plaque. I know that I have to move on for my sanity but I never want to forget my first son.
I really appreciate the safe space, guys. Like many of you, I don’t feel like anyone gets this weird limbo we’re in where we’re supposed to be “normal” but who could ever be the same after this? How could I ever in my life go back to being normal?