First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage

[sadtoday21]

Hello everyone - I've never posted on these forums before, but I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and I found out at the 12 week dating scan two days ago. It was my first ever pregnancy. Yesterday, I had D&C and now recovering. Really healthy otherwise and no signs at all that anything was wrong during the pregnancy, although I never had any morning sickness.

I am really in shock and this happened on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death (breast cancer), so the whole thing just feels like too much to handle. DH (dear husband) is very supportive, but I don't have any women friends to talk to, besides one who is more than 20 weeks pregnant and well...I just can't deal with that. Any advice on how to recover emotionally and also when to start trying again? GP said to wait 3 weeks, but I don't think I can wait that long. Please help and thank you.

Hello everyone. Firstly I'm sorry that everyone had been through this.

I found out last Wednesday that I'd had a MMC. I should've been 10+5 but was told the baby died at 8+6. I had an EPRC on Friday and have taken this week off work. I have a daughter who will be four in August and feel incredibly grateful to have her, but feel so much guilt that I haven't yet provided her with a sibling and that if I am lucky enough to have another healthy baby the age gap will be large. I'm really fixated on the age gap for some reason.

I feel so empty and anxious about when I'll be able to start trying again. The bleeding seems to have nearly stopped and it's brown so I'm hoping that my cycle gets going again quickly. It's so hard not knowing when it's going to happen isn't it.

I hope everyone is okay and recovering.

So the doctor refused to do any more fertility tests on me. She's said I'm clearly still recovering from the miscarriages with how bad IBS is. She's told me to stop temping and relax if I want it to happen. This made me cross because my temps are a lifeline and a sign my body is working. Also with my irregular periods I'd have no idea when ovulation is coming or my period.

I reminded her last time she'd promised testing but she said in hindsight it's a bit early to look in more detail as no signs anything wrong since I'm ovulating and conceiving. Clearly the other doctor has spoken to her since she's recommended trying for a few months while taking my mind off it which is what her colleague said. I told her I would like some answers now as don't want to go through another loss. In the end she gave me the sperm analysis form so that's one thing.

I asked why I have irregular cycles since the cysts are gone and she said I probably still have poly cystic ovary syndrome and not much they can do. I need to look at diet and stress levels if I want to regulate periods. But surely irregular periods is a sign of hormonal imbalance and this could be what's causing the miscarriages. I don't understand why she won't test to see how bad it is. I'm sorry for the rant but it's really upset me.

Hope you're all ok today! Xx

@sarmum14 massive congratulations on the job! Absolutely amazing that you managed to smash an interview despite everything else you've got going on! Also totally understand your feelings on it and only you can decide what's right. Your priorities have probably changed, I know that's how I feel, but sounds like it was something you really wanted before so may be a good distraction as much as anything.

@sadtoday21 sorry the bleeding and cramps are bad today and you've been having a tough time of it. Fingers crossed it eases up in the time few days and your hormones get more back to normal (whatever the hell normal is these days!!!)

@AnnaMC214 sorry you're having a tough day, it's hard but I promise things do get easier. Even now I still get low days that are often caused by the silliest things but there are definitely more good days than bad now. Keeps strong and don't feel under pressure to get back to normal too soon, it takes time to heal.

@Birchwoods So sorry you are here and for your loss. This is a very supportive group who are here for you whenever you need us.

@Catconfusion I'm so sorry that's so frustratinghope you are ok x

Thanks @3204ECL it really is. I haven't actually had any fertility tests just thyroid, full blood count and vitamin D, all normal. She said last time she would order a full fertility panel on us both since we're nearly 40. Today she refused and said plenty of people get pregnant at 40 and I should stop worrying. Now so scared there might be something wrong and we'll have another miscarriage. I thought the lack of cysts meant my PCOS was gone. If I still have it could have caused miscarriage as research seems to suggest it's more likely with PCOS. Grrr!

@Catconfusion the inconsistency of information is so hard to deal with and sometimes I think the lack of knowing is the hardest part I all of this. They really shouldn't have got your hopes up with tests to then say no. Sending love and hugs x

Thanks @3204ECL It's so hard to ttc after loss, especially approaching 40. Any information from tests is important for reassurance. I know some ladies start to miscarry if egg reserve is poor. Hormone imbalance is also a worry yet they won't test for those things. She said they usually wait for three losses but she'd make an exception for me because of my age. To go back on that when someone is clearly worried is not fair.

Mental health is really not considered in this process. I think there is so much more that could be done. A simple cd 2 blood test would have eased my mind. Xx

Wow - there's a lot to catch up on!

Congratulations @sarmum14 - amazing news on the job front! You've been a trooper through all of this and you have worked very hard to get the success! It's difficult to know what to suggest re: taking the job. What I have learnt over the last few years, that ttc can take quite a while and nothing is certain. If you think a new job will bring something else to focus on that you will enjoy, then go for it. Well done again!

How is AF @sadtoday21? Pleased to hear that temping is giving you clues as to what's coming. The more you do it, the more (i think) you learn about your cycle. Have you now got a fresh chart since AF arrived? Sometimes a fresh chart makes me want to behave in the no bad food department...doesn't last to long though.

How have the blood tests gone @LMLP91 - do you know which ones they are doing?

@AnnaMC214 - I had days where it all felt too much. It will pass. They never quite go in my experience, but it does get more bearable.

Sorry to hear about your loss @Birchwoods. If you have any questions or just need to rant...we are all here to listen.

So very disappointing @Catconfusion - they really shouldn't build your hopes up like that. Makes me want to scream when 💩 like this happens. It can be avoided! Hope you are okay, but I can imagine you are pretty pissed at them.

Hope everyone else is okay.

I'm having an off day today...I had a weird dream last night. Me and DH was sat in a consultation room. DH was told his sperm was fine and oddly we was shown a tv screen which showed his sperm moving across the tv screen as if they where fishes in a pond. I was told that my eggs are all broken - they showed me hens eggs all smashed up with hammers. 😝 crazy dreams. I think I must be a little anxious about tomorrow! Again, I am sure it's going to be a massive anti-climax.

Oh god. Had a really strange call today from the mortuary at the hospital - the foetus is ready for us to collect if we’d like to arrange a burial or cremation. I was in the middle of a work meeting and it completely spun me out.

Sorry to hear that @Birchwoods. I have a 3yo and also fixate on the age gap. It took us so long to conceive this baby and then the MMC which 2 months later I'm still living in. I completely get it. But the women here are awesome and I hope can provide some comfort and support for you.

How's everyone else? That sounds totally stressful @Amanda81! Will you let us know how you get on tomorrow?

X

@Amanda81 thank you. I'm a little mad to be honest. Telling a woman who wants a baby to stop temping and looking at fertility signs is basically saying to give up. It's not happening. I want to work with my body, especially with my irregular cycles. Rubbish not getting the tests. The wait for the sperm analysis is three weeks. Don't understand why she didn't give me the form last time.

That's such a vivid dream and like you say probably anxiety about tomorrow. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Xx

Hi @sarmum14 that call must have made you very sad. It's so odd they didn't tell you before you'd be in this situation regarding remains. I'm really not sure what I'd want if it was us. What are you thinking? Xx

Hi and welcome @Birchwoods I'm sorry you're here and for what you've been through but glad you found our supportive little group! Xx

I totally agree about not stopping with the tracking of your cycle @Catconfusion - she clearly hasn't suffered in this dept before. It's easy to say stop tracking, to me, that is like a red rag to a bull - just ain't going to happen. Hope you are okay. Xx

Gosh @sarmum14 - I wouldn't know what to do re the foetus. I know some people (on MN) have retrieved them and planted a tree in their garden, placing the foetus in the soil proving nourishment and life to the tree. Might be an idea. Xx

Morning everyone! A lot to catch up on. I was working late and had very busy day yesterday, so just followed the posts. Despite the heavy bleeding and my head being in the wrong place with the mc, everything went very well with the meetings and presentations. I just didn’t eat all day out of nerves and was exhausted by the time I got home around ten. It felt good to be back in the game though. Women are so strong and resilient, I can’t believe employers would discriminate against them because of pregnancy. It might change our priorities a bit, but we still kick a** in the boardroom and the babyroom.

I ran into an old colleague and friend who just had a baby last July-that was really hard. She’s older than me, but we had talked about getting pregnant around the same time as we are both very career oriented and didn’t want to leave it too long. I feel sad that everyone else who I know in RL seems to have successful and uneventful pregnancies, everyone but me. I know it’s not my fault, but some days it feels like it is. I keep dreaming of this small, cute baby with large eyes. I think it’s my subconscious telling me I’m still sad and still desperately want this, even though when I wake up I pretend to have moved on.

@Amanda81 I can understand how anxious you must be and I’m sure that’s the reason for your dreams. Good luck with the tests today and please let us know how you get on!

@Catconfusion I am so incredibly frustrated for you and would be so mad as well. How are you feeling about everything today? I’m sure there aren’t any problems, but completely understand why you would want to rule them out. It’s simply not fair to go back inherits word and expect you to go through this three times. I love NHS, but a little more empathy in these situations wouldn’t be amiss.

@SARmum14 I’m so sorry you got that shocking call. I elected for the hospital burial and I didn’t want to be notified. I can’t bear the thought of seeing or picking that up, it’s way too real. I love the idea of the tree that Amanda mentioned, but so tough to see it like that. I would probably look because I need to know things and then I would be haunted by it. But it might also bring closure. What are you going to do? Sending you hugs and here for you X.

Completely agree @Amanda81 It was a red rag. Ive now bought OKP strips as well so stuff her. Good luck with your appointment today. Let us know how it goes.

@sadtoday21 I can completely understand how hard it was to run into your colleague. I don't know anyone in the real world who's had miscarriages and is still waiting for bfp. They all have kids now. One of my good friends has unexplained infertility but that's slightly different. I've too seen so many friends have effortless pregnancies as well as my sister and of course my Mum. I too sometimes think I'm doing something wrong or it's my fault. Maybe it's because I'm sad and if I was happier it would happen. More than likely it's bad luck but the mind still goes there.

Well done for smashing it yesterday at work with your presentation. There's something to be said for acknowledging the sadness but putting it in a place so you can get on.

It's really frustrating regarding the testing but it's made me even more determined to do this on my own if I have to. I've been reading up on things I can do for PCOS and if we're not lucky this cycle I'll start myo-inositol, a supplement for PCOS. I did find out my last blood tests showed I'm not Vit D deficient and there's no inflammation in my body. All good signs.

Have a good day everyone! Xxx

I hope everyone is okay today. Thank you for your messages. It's great to have a supportive group, despite the sadness of our situation.

How long has everyone taken off work? I've been signed off for two weeks, I'll have had a week on Friday. I work part-time, Tues - Thurs at a v small family business. I've been there eight years and this is the first time I've been off sick. I think I feel able to go back next week, but just don't want to, I'm dreading it really, it'll be like nothing has happened but everything has happened for me. I'm toying with the idea of taking the two weeks but I think my bosses will have a nervous breakdown if I do, and I'm worried that they'll be pissed off and unsympathetic. My boss and his wife (both retirement age now) lost a baby and she had to have a hysterectomy as a result (many years ago) and it's already been mentioned how much worse that is than the procedure I've had. I'm just interested to hear how long you've all taken off.

Hi @Birchwoods I'm sorry to hear about your predicament with your boss. It does however make me mad that they'd insinuate what you've been through isn't as bad as what they went through. That's just mean. You lost your baby and had to have surgery. Sure you are likely to have another baby but it's such a traumatic thing to go through. I'd say take the full two weeks and then see how you feel. I couldn't work for people who couldn't be compassionate during such a challenging time. You should be able to take the time off you and your doctor feel is necessary for your recovery. If they try and get rid of you it's constructive dismissal.

My ERPC was two months ago and I'm only just getting back to work. I work from home and my husband is able to support but I've been very grateful for the time. My mental health would not have been good enough two weeks after the surgery to go back. I've heard of people taking 1-2 months off. It's not just about the physical healing but the emotional side of what you've been through.

I guess it's a case of weighing up what's best for you and if you rely on that income it's probably hard to take too much time off. Just don't let them pressure you into going back too soon! Xx

Thanks cat. The most I will take is the two weeks, but you've made me realise that it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to take the full two weeks off rather than going back after one.

The company I work did can be quite flexible so they're not all bad. If I worked for a large company or public sector I wouldn't hesitate to take both weeks off, it's just the responsibility of being part of such a small team, and that my being off means extra work for others, that weighs heavily on me.

@Birchwoods no not unreasonable at all as your doctor felt this time was needed. Also I don't think you're insured when signed off so would need to get signed back on again if you go back early.

I understand you don't want to let anyone down or make anyone work harder but those two weeks are really important to start coming to terms with what's happened and recover physically. It's your employers responsibility to cover you whether a big company or a small one if your doctor feels you're not fit to work.

If you feel well enough to go back after the two weeks then it might actually be good to occupy your mind. I'm sure your work colleagues will understand why you needed this time. Xx

@Birchwoods I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d take the 2 weeks if you need it. It’s not fair of them to put pressure on you like that, everyone’s different and you’ve been through a really traumatic experience. And if it’s your first time off sick they should just suck it up!

I took 2 days off, one for the surgery and the day after in case I felt ill from the GA but I didn’t tell them about the MC or what the surgery was for so would’ve been harder to take off longer. I mostly work from home so it’s easier and for me I needed to keep distracted. Everyone’s different and 2 weeks is certainly not unreasonable, I hope you can take the time you need.

@Birchwoods - I echo what the other girls have said - take the two weeks if you need too. I work from a home office, and took 3/4 days off and then rearranged meetings so that I could be at home or in the office should I choose to be. I ended up blasting through quite a lot of work as I needed the distraction. I then had the lead up to Christmas in sight, so had knowledge that I had a decent break coming up, which helped with the emotional transition. Hope you are doing okay x

@Birchwoods to reinforce what the other girls have said, definitely take those two weeks and allow your feelings and emotions to come in the waves that they will. All in all I ended up having 7 weeks off work as I struggled massively to come to terms with everything, especially with it being over the Christmas period. However, I work in an environment where I'm surrounded by pregnancy and babies and young children and midwives, so I knew there was no way I could face any of it any sooner than I did. There are days when it feels a struggle to put one foot in front of the other and get through it, but others feel better and I can put a brave face on and be happy for the families I support.

I had my blood test results back today, seems as though they tested for a load of things, including hormones, thyroid, kidney/liver function, iron, folic acid etc. and all have come back normal (thankfully), just iron levels a little lower than they should be. So will be buying supplements at the weekend and will hopefully start feeling a bit better. I obviously feel relieved that all is clear, however, still feel so let down each month that AF arrives and I'm another month further away from feeling complete again.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well this evening...we've almost made it to Friday!
Xxx

Good morning ladies,

How was the appointment @Amanda81 ?

So this complicated things somewhat. A lady on another thread has been told by someone high up in her nhs ccg that she's not eligible for fertility tests beyond her 40th birthday. I've just been told by my gp to go away and try for a few months and denied a fertility blood screen. With my long cycles I will be 40 when I go back after the time they've recommended. I'm getting concerned now we won't get any help. DH has been given a sperm analysis in the meantime but we want to know what my egg reserve, hormone levels are like now. We're worried about having another miscarriage or not being able to conceive again.

We've also only been trying for 5 months and had two miscarriages. I've just read the fertility policy for our ccg and it only talks about IVF. The good news is we'd get one cycle of IVF if under 43 and trying for three years.

I'm just having a mini panic about not getting support. We can't afford private treatment. I'm having irregular cycles and being told I have PCOS even though no longer cysts. Yet we're not being offered any tests or referrals for this. If I thought we'd get the help if we don't conceive in a few months Id feel better but I'm now worried 40 is a cut off point. Guess I need to speak to someone at the doctors to confirm this.

I'm just starting to distrust my GP surgery. My medical records are not even accurate. At my appointment on Wednesday my doctor asked me to stop smoking if I want to conceive. I've never smoked in my life so I'm wondering how I got recorded as a smoker in their records. I told her I was worried about my BMI, she said it's fine. I challenged her and said no it isn't. Turns out they have my height recorded as 5ft 8 when I'm 5ft 3. My MMC was also recorded as a blighted ovum when we saw the baby on the scan so there was definitely a foetal pole. The inaccurate records worry me. As demonstrated with my BMI mistakes can be made based on them.

The annoying thing is DH and I took so many years to find each other. We've only been together a year and we've started trying for a baby as soon as we can. Neither of us have any children as we were both waiting for the right person to start a family with. It just seems so unfair we might not get the help we need at the right time to give us the best chance.

Sorry for the rant ladies, just feeling a bit concerned! Xx

Sorry to hear that @Catconfusion when you talk about private treatment do you mean some screening tests or full treatment? I’m just asking as I have looked into it in the past and there are some clinics near me that are doing half price tests at the moment just in case it’s worth a look

www.bournhall.co.uk/treatments/fertility-health-wellbeing/

Thanks @bananamonkey I meant consultancy as always seemed expensive.

Wow that's really helpful and I'm tempted to book in as we're near Norwich and that's not nearly as expensive as we thought. I begrudge it a bit as we never go to the doctors and feel we should at least get the basic blood tests on NHS. There's just so much red tape though and it's causing unnecessary stress.

DH has his NHS sperm analysis in three weeks so that's good but maybe we'll do this if we're not lucky this cycle.

How are you today? Xx

Side note DHs sperm analysis collection pot came today in the post. Our surname is Hancock. They've misspelt it as Handcock. It did tickle me under the cirCUMstances 😂😂😂

Ah then we are near neighbours! 👋 My friend had her IVF there and I’ve only ever heard good things about it.

Ok here, been wallowing in self-pity a bit this week but this horrible cold seems to be lifting slightly and first AF seems to be over so onwards and upwards I hope x