Miscarriage support

[EllieJayJay]

Hello ladies,

It's so very heartbreaking when a miscarriage happens. It happened to me

I was a part of the July 2016 babies and I loved every minute of it, talking about my symptoms and cravings and then without warning my life changed in ten hours.

without any reason with little warning my baby was taken away from me, my heart broke into a thousand pieces - I held my tiny baby in its tiny protective sac in my hand and my life was devastated everything stopped - everything that was going to be disappeared in a blink of an eye and my life took a 360, every emotion within me went black and dark and nothing felt good, or safe or happy.

Very few people I knew, knew I was pregnant and over the past few days I've felt very alone.

So I wanted to start a post for ladies to share their stories in the hope we can help each other x

Ayria I have spent every day since the 23rd thinking 'maybe it didn't happen'. No bleeding plus the continued morning sickness is so cruel. Today I have woken up and im losing my mucous plug. It is finally starting. It's exactly the same as when I went into labour with dd but without the bump. I have spent the past 9 days surrounding myself with distractions. Christmas was easier because I had dd to focus on. I have fallen apart in the early hours of the morning and after dd has gone to bed. But I've pushed on being normal. For NYE we had my best friend and her husband over for food and drinks. We put the kids to bed, ate, drank and played cards against humanity. We watched the count down on the TV and I said a quiet 'fuck you' to 2015. I gave my husband a kiss and had a little cry. I have decided that I'm going to just let myself feel whatever I need to feel. Utter devastation has given way to anger. Mostly because my baby died at 8 weeks yet here I am at 12 weeks still waiting. The hospital wouldn't help until they had performed two scans which is cruel considering I have already had two scans but the nhs ignore the private one due to guidelines. I think you have to do the same with your feelings. I get that you don't want to be defined by it, I feel the same, but you have to get through the grief first. As for trying again. I feel like that has been ruined too. I'm not going to enjoy trying. It won't be exciting or fun. A bfp is going to fill me with dread instead of hope. I'm going to wait a cycle before trying properly. In the meantime, I want to reconnect with my husband. We haven't had sex since my bfp. I need us to be able to have sex without the pressure of trying for a baby. I'm not going to prevent but no trying either. When I do fall, it won't be joyful and exciting like the last two times. I'm just going to be shitting myself all of the way through. I'm going to have at least two early reassurance scans in the hope that a missed miscarriage would be found so much sooner. You need to talk to your dh. Getting pregnant again needs to come at a time when you are both ready. Putting that time lit on you is unfair.

Hug to you Ariya and each of you ladies. Christmas has been really tough not celebrating the way we expected, to make it worse a family member announced their exciting pregnancy at the time we should have. However I am trying. To see new year as a new fresh start. I think your sister is right, it is important to feel like you can grieve but also keep looking forward and at the positives. You know you can conceive, this happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies, and there's a higher chance of a successful pregnancy next time. That's how I'm looking at things. To help grieving I'm not focusing on due dates as that will consume me, maybe speak to your other half? We've agreed to wait for the first period purely to help with dating a next pregnancy (fingers crossed) and then just live life as normal trying and waiting for it to happen. This forum is fab, even with supportive partners I think it's a different thing for a woman to experience. Keep smiling everyone x

Hi ladies - didn't know where else to post and really struggling with DH tonight. I'm currently miscarrying and have just spent 10 mins on the loo (after leaking on our sofa) lots of clots and lots of pain. DH is showing very little empathy, even though I know he's upset by the miscarriage and is capable of being supportive. Whilst I was sitting on the loo he yelled at me 'where have you put the controls' then when I asked him to get me a clean pair of knickers and PJ bottoms he rolled his eyes and huffed when I asked him to get a diff pair of PJs because the ones he'd brought down were really pale in colour.

It's really upsetting me and I ended up shouting and crying. He's now gone off upstairs to bath the dog. The dog has had more hugs and support than me today. It's breaking my heart.

Sorry I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't know of he's struggling to deal with things or if he is void of being able to give any sympathy. I can't believe the latter is the case he's usually very caring.

AK your dh is behaving like a dick. I get that it is hard. I miscarying right now too.y dh is being very quiet and is distracting himself with little projects. But, if I ask for something he is there like a shot. Look after yourself and do not feel guilty for shouting at him.

Hi
I miscarriaged on Dec 17, four days before our 12 week scan.
The trauma, physically and emotionally, is almost too much to bear. The uncontrollable blood, cramps, tears, exhaustion, anger, fear and deep sense of loss has been juxtaposed with seasonal fucking goodwill. All I have thought is "I want my baby back, I want a bump, I want to be pregnant."
It was unplanned and I was frightened of having my first baby but gradually felt excited. Now I just feel empty and useless.
I have been sleeping lots, crying lots and trying as hard as I can to be nice to myself. Whenever I start to think bad things I say 'be kind to yourself' (it shames me to admit I've also been saying this out loud to myself every day!!)
I've accessed a counsellor through my life and I will see her next week - kind of like a guy rope to help me through rather than falling apart.
Im trying not to be angry with my body but it's really hard as is ignoring the unanswerable question 'why?'. Not only that but I want to shout "FFS! This is SHIT!!!"
I feel very alone despite having wonderful friends (many of whom have experienced loss - some greater than mine and further along) and an awesome fiancé who has been amazing. I feel guilty for letting him down is that normal?
I am dreadfully sorry for the loss shared in this thread. It's so awful and I want you to know I feel your grief too. I wish we could speak openly and publicly about miscarriage but it's like a dark secret that you only know about if you know someone has been through it or you disclose it.
I am sorry to ramble. I have found this forum very comforting xx

I feel that too, RoTo, the 'it shouldn't be like this'. I thought this was going to be the best Christmas celebrating with my son and partner while pregnant. This year has been filled with utter shit.

Loki Wishing you all the strength.

I think that's a good idea, we do need to take it slow. I need to talk to him about not putting a time scale on it and just letting it happen when, and if, it happens. It wont really be him thinking about it as he doesn't have a monthly reminder or anything. He says it'll feel like 'treading on the baby's grave'. I know what he means, but... our baby is gone now and he can't leave me living in a previous pregnancy shadow. I'm just angry that that is the last thing he has said about it. I've not had a chance to talk to him about it again.

AK I'm so sorry. He really needs to be supporting you right now. He might be distancing himself from it or is angry about it, that's how he's dealing with it? Have you spoken to him? You need a shoulder there if you want to cry. Practical help is also appreciated and needed.

Devon I feel exactly how you feel. Empty, lost and want my baby back. I also felt guilty for letting my dp down as he was really excited, the baby would have been his first, and I feel like I couldn't even do that. He seems to be handling it really well now, he cried initially, but now has just been picking me up. You can't blame yourself, you know it wasn't you. I hope the counsellor helps and you find some comfort.

I ripped the Christmas decorations down earlier and binned cards. I will probably buy a whole new set of decorations for next year as I don't want anything up from this year.
I've been a bit calmer just having little outbursts of anger because everything has gone wrong. I say calmer... I mean I don't have everything whirling around in my head for the moment, just angry that it happened in the first place and I'm now in this limbo situation. We're meant to be moving away at the end of the year and I wont be near family. I wanted to spend my last pregnancy with them and have them (mum, sister) at the birth before we went (it was meant to be my "healing" home birth because of my son's, having therapy etc.). That's not happening now, and there will probably not be a baby at all next Christmas either. I feel like everything is on my shoulders right now and feel pressure from somewhere to definitely have a baby by Halloween. I guess if I have another birth, it will bring with it a whole load of other aspects of fear for me.

Not celebrating the way we expected is exactly it, NJ. I agree, the due date will put more pressure on me, in that I'll be waiting until then, then we wont be relaxed about it. I'll be happy to wait for a period or two first but I really can't wait until half way through the year for something that didn't end up happening.
I also feel that if I got pregnant again, I wouldn't know if I should be happy or sad. I would panic about it happening again but on the other hand, I've read that you're less likely to MC during the first 6 months afterwards and I'm going to miss out on that window. I was scared of pregnancy after my son's birth, but now since getting pregnant a 2nd time, starting to get my head around it, then losing my baby, my head is all over the place.

Thanks so much for starting this thread, EllieJayJay.

Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a shit Christmas.

Found out I was pregnant Dec 3. Was about a month gone. Didn't have many symptoms at all. Told DH, both thrilled. Weren't really TTC but not taking any contraceptives. Already have DS, who is 2. Great, we thought, nice gap between them both.

One week later started bleeding heavily, for around 3 /4 days. Figured I'd miscarried, even though there wasn't many clots or anything, but just thought that as it was early there mightn't be much. Had previous miscarriage where I was further gone, that happened very quickly, passed everything within an evening.

Anyway, I thought I was over it, that was a good two weeks ago, but last week starting having bad period type cramps and bleeding. Passed lots of clots. Passed the sac on Saturday. Horrendous. Size of a golf ball, it seemed to be stuck in my vagina. Scared to pull on it, but then it plopped into the loo. Grey and red. I picked it up and showed DH.

Sigh. Miscarriage is really shit. I have had two (one before DS was born) and the second one was worse than the first, due to the delayed actual miscarriage.

Bleeding has stopped, but I was bleeding for around a week. Not heavy, but like a period. Tummy feels more normal.

Just wanted to write all this down, feels cathartic.

Now all my energy is going into TTC again. Wanted to announce at Christmas but obviously didn't as miscarriage had happened by then. Final nail in the coffin was my idiot SIL noticing me not drinking and asking me 'Are you pregnant?'. Stupid bitch. No, I'm fucking not, not anymore.

How do you all find the strength? Not just emotionally but physically? And what on earth do women in Third World countries do, miscarrying and then just trying to keep alive?

Sorry about the long post - but it feels good.

Thanks to everyone for posting, it really helps.

I've not been on for the last week or so and need to catch up on all your news but I just wanted to report that I got my period today - 5 weeks and 2 days since ERPC - feels weird. A fresh start I suppose is the way to think xx

Lex, I felt the same and it isn't like a normal period but just glad it's here. Here's to a fresh start X

How is everyone doing? A week since my miscarriage today and got a scan in the morning to check everything has passed X

Keeping beng strong ladies xx

Well I finally know how you ladies feel, never thought I would be so excited to see a period arrive! Just under 5 weeks post treatment. Feels like a fresh start getting to this point and knowing we can now start trying again. It's taken a while but feeling positive and hopeful now x

Oh nj. Its a bit bittersweet isn't it. I'm about to take my second and cramps r wild. Good luck with trying again. Unfortunately I won't be.

Ro X I can't work out how to contact you personally

I would like this post to continue to be a place for those who suffered miscarriage to come to

And for ladies to help each other's

I wish for no one to ever find themselves here but the sad fact is that people do

Hi Ellie. I still.pop on every day r two. I think there is a way to pm, I'm on my phone, will check later on laptop. Hope ur doing ok x

How is everyone doing. 10 weeks since my miscarriage and d&c and its still hard. Still find myself crying and missing my angel but I think that's the way of things. Iv been going to counselling and that is helping immensely. I'm also more open when ppl ask how I am. Went back to work this week and everyone has been so kind, think this will help to get into a routine again. Last week we should have been 20 weeks going for r big scan, we found ourselves at the cemetery visiting the baby garden where r angels ashes r scattered. It was a beautiful place and I'm glad iv somewhere to visit, if that makes sense. Anyhow ladies, hold on and keep strong. For any of u who will be ttc their rainbows, wishing u all the best of luck 🍀.

I went for my 12 week scan on Thursday. There was no baby. Just an empty gestational sac. Seeing that was the most heartbreaking thing. I have no idea when my baby stopped growing. I had an MVA on Tuesday which is one of the most horrific experience of my life, not just for me but for my OH who had to listen to the whole thing. I just want to get over it but I know I need to grieve. What support have other people used?

So sorry for ur loss and having to go thru a mva. It is heartbreaking time. I'm 10 weeks from my missed miscarriage and I'm still learning to live with it I had a d&c. I have been going to counselling, I find that helpful. Also just recently iv been open about my loss and my feelings. For weeks I hid in the house crying. I also made a memory box of my angel, and when I'm low I just go spend time with her. U will be up and down, ul have good days and bad days. Enjoy the good days and be very gentle with yourself, don't expect too much too soon. My counsellor gave me good advice, she said treat your grief as u would treat a friend grieving.

Being kind to yourself is such good advice x

Sorry to hear your news emZum. There's lots of lovely people on here who can be a great means of support. To echo the others, take it easy and feel exactly how YOU want to feel and not how others expect you to feel X

Hi ladies
I'm so sad to read your stories, and to join you.
I am 7+6 after 3 yrs ttc and a round of ivf. Yesterday. I had a scan that showed the sac was empty, no embryo has developed.
I have to go to GP and EPU today.
I have no idea what happens next - I'm shocked by how long some of you had to wait for your body to start to miscarry. As part of ivf I've been taking progesterone which the nurse said would have been sustaining the pregnancy. I'm worried it could be weeks until my hormones settle and my body works out what is going on.
Any advice on what to expect welcome.

So sorry to read that you are also here. I found it great support as its a little unknown after the scan.
I was told at 12 weeks and as my body wasnt working out what was happening I opted for medical treatment. That way it was done quick, my body could get back to normal and we could start again. I found this the easiest to cope with. Procedure was absolutely fine, I was in and out the same day. Emotionally it's a real pull so as everyone says, really do be kind to yourself. X