Miscarriage support

[EllieJayJay]

Hello ladies,

It's so very heartbreaking when a miscarriage happens. It happened to me

I was a part of the July 2016 babies and I loved every minute of it, talking about my symptoms and cravings and then without warning my life changed in ten hours.

without any reason with little warning my baby was taken away from me, my heart broke into a thousand pieces - I held my tiny baby in its tiny protective sac in my hand and my life was devastated everything stopped - everything that was going to be disappeared in a blink of an eye and my life took a 360, every emotion within me went black and dark and nothing felt good, or safe or happy.

Very few people I knew, knew I was pregnant and over the past few days I've felt very alone.

So I wanted to start a post for ladies to share their stories in the hope we can help each other x

It's 3 weeks since my ERPC and all I keep seeing on Facebook in the last few days is other people's pregnancy announcements - I'm not handling it very well, they're people that I really should be congratulating but I just can't. I've hidden the posts from my wall but my god it hurts so much. We should be putting our scan pics up its not fair

Hi ladies. Thought I was asking with things a little better. Even ventured into town with john on Saturday. Had no presents in. Went to Christmas market but couldn't go in, too many people. We went for something to eat then a few drinks. Was v hard to control my emotions, (I didn't drink that much but felt tremendous pressure no hold back the tears). We ended up having to come home and I had a complete meltdown. I went to r bedroom and trashed it. Broke ornaments a mirror remote control. It was like an eruption. John was wonderful, he just said I needed to get that out. It is so not me. Sunday was spent in bed the entire day. I have to pull myself together. Ds home tomorrow from his dads, and John phoned me from work today and I know he was crying. I just feel I.putting too much onto him when he's grieving too. Heard we will have ups and downs but this is ridiculous

Oh Ro - I've found this week harder too - something about it being 3 weeks now feels like it's being forgotten and that really hurts - I don't want to forget, part of me died, why should I forget that

Yeah obsessed . It was 4 weeks today I found out her heart stopped. Heartbreaking still. I said to john I actually feel defined my it. It has become who I am now.

Ah ladies I'm so sorry to read these last messages. It hurts regardless but Christmas is particularly difficult. I too have lots of Facebook friends posting their scan pictures and have just hidden the posts. Had treatment last week to remove everything which was fine and feeling a little brighter. If I touch my tummy or think about it I cry, so just keep thinking forward to that next period coming and trying again. That seems to hold back tears. I've made sure I'm busy with my normal routine and seeing friends too otherwise I'd probably crumble. A virtual hug to all, a very shit thing for us to have to go through x

Have as happy a Christmas as possible lovely ladies xxxxx

You 2 x

Reading some of these comments is like they are out of my own head. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

The scan yesterday says that the baby stopped developing nearly 4 weeks ago. I've had some bleeding but no clots and no pain (the bleeding is why I was sent in for a 9 week scan as a precautionary measure, it showed a sac with only a yolk dated 5+4, I am sure on dates).

I am now waiting for the pain and heavier bleeding to start, while I wait 2 weeks for a follow up scan prior to any follow up actions. I find it cruel that I still have nausea and breast pain when my embryo has been gone so long. I got full on morning sickness 2 weeks after the baby stopped and still get bouts of nausea now.

My MIL was very matter of fact "these things just happen, there was something wrong", but my mum had a better response "I'm so sorry sweetheart"...

My friend who had been my listening post for crazy pregnancy wobbles is an obstetrician, but I still feel like i can't lean on her now because of dragging people into my own personal hell.

It was my first pregnancy, pregnant first cycle that we tried.. And it doesn't help that I'll be able to "try again".. What if something is wrong with me?

I am alternating between some kind of hope that the scan was poor and the one in a fortnight will show something because I still feel pregnant and the knowledge that that is a pipe dream and I should be realistic and try to come to terms.

Sorry for the long post, just needed a sounding board.

Really sorry to read your post Lorritay. It is indeed very cruel and very bitter sweet we can find comfort in each other as I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone. I found out at my 12 week scan just before Christmas and had no symptoms either. I had treatment to remove everything just over a week ago which has made me feel a little brighter and like I'm moving forward, albeit still very sad at what is a loss.

I hope your second scan is a better story but if not it's great you know you can conceive and also so quickly. It helped me knowing 1 in 4 people experience this and that I wasn't alone. As Ive told close friends im amazed how many have experienced it and I didn't know. Talking to people has also helped so I'd say do it and don't worry about whether you're a burden, good friends support and understand.

Hugs all round on here. X

Thanks nj81. I am trying to take comfort in the small positives, and I think you're right that moving forward medically can help emotionally. They won't do anything before my next scan as it was too small and they are following guidelines to wait to see if anything changes (though to get my dates wrong by nearly 4 weeks is physically impossible)

It does feel like it's a silent club, so many women experience this and yet we don't discuss it. I guess sounding board of strangers feels less raw right now than potentially being a trigger for friends who may also be grieving. I know several friends have gone through this, including later losses, but I didn't know what to say to them then, or what would help me now.

Thank you for the support, and I hope that you continue to feel brighter and more positive with time (and that all the ladies on here do too)

Northernstep. So sorry.

Glad you were looked after at Burnley General.

How can it be fair that I am still being sick even though my baby has died and I'm waiting to miscarry?

Oh Loki it's dreadfully unfair, I had positive tests until a week ago and miscarried 23rd November naturally. This past week I had all my symptoms return and AF arrived on Christmas Day the day I was due to be 12 weeks pregnant and the day I was planning to tell everyone - it was awful absolutely awful so I feel your pain completely.

I miscarried quickly but painfully whilst in hospital and then went home and it finally stopped five days later - I want to try and give you some hope and whilst I'm still dreadfully upset I can say once my hormones changed last week I did feel more able to deal with it, I'm not dealing with it great but I am dealing with it better.

To all the other ladies I'm sorry I disappeared I couldn't cope for a while there and melted, I'm so very sorry to see more and more sad stories - I wish you all strength and keep posting - I think it helps to know your not alone, because your really not xx

Ro, just saw your necklace that's beautiful X I have my penguin and tiny July birthstone have not taken it off since it arrived and it does help xx

Hi Ellie. Glad to hear ur feeling a little bit better. Id a few meltdowns recently and a few truly awful days. Christmas was so hard. My AF arrived today and I too feel a little calmer. Like a pressure valve has been released.

We will be ok Ro xx

Someday ok. But never the same xx

I found out a week ago today that my baby had died. I should have been 10 weeks 5 days but my baby had died at 8. The scan showed that the sac was starting to collapse. By the time I got to my hospital appointment on Monday the sac had almost completely collapsed and baby had gone from 1.29cm to 3 mm. They wouldn't give me medical management until Monday when they do another scan because they aren't allowed to take our private scan into account. My baby died nearly month ago and I'm still not bleeding. Everything is disintegrating inside of me so why won't my body do what it needs to do? I wanted to punch the sonographer when she tried to tell me that my baby was too small for medical management and that we'd have to see if there was any change in a week. She could see the private scan picture showing an (prenatal) 8 week old baby. She agreed she could see it on the scan but wasn't allowed to take the private scan into account. I'm certain of dates so it is impossible that the scans are wrong. I want it over with. I want to bleed so that I can grieve.

Aw Loki that's so hard. The in-between is awful. Id to wait two weeks between scans. That's y I opted for surgery in the end, the waiting was killing me

I have read your experiences over the past few days. I'm so very sorry for you all it's heartbreaking.

I think when I'm alone, it hits me. My son is in bed and my partner has been gone for the past couple days. I feel like I can't cry because I'm on my own, I wont be able to stop, and I need to look after my son. I've cried myself to sleep every night since so haven't been sleeping much even though I've taken sleeping tablets and been having hot baths. I'm still bleeding heavily and having period type pains. I really don't want hospital treatment. I want nature to do it for however long it takes. My body will clean my baby's home.

I lost my baby on Christmas Eve. At 7 weeks I had a heavy bleed, went to the docs, he said wait a couple weeks until a scan. It was 'wait and see' basically. The bleeding stopped but I still didn't feel comfortable not knowing what was happening. I read these threads then so I knew what to somewhat expect if it happened. At the time I watched Up with my son, the beginning nearly made me cry and then watched What To Expect When You're Expecting a few days after. I nearly cried when she lost her baby too. I think I just knew.

I had another heavy bleed the day before Christmas Eve and cried because I still hadn't had a scan. I was 10 weeks. I just got up Christmas Eve morning with a dull pain, now I think it felt like the start of labour pains with my son, like a bellyache. I went to the toilet and knew straight away what was happening. I started to cry while holding... (sorry, following lines are tmi) ...a palm sized clot in my hand. I thought it was the pregnancy, my partner kept telling me I need to let it go but I couldn't. So he got a container and I put it inside. About half an hour after I felt something else, got half way up the stairs and it just went. I knew it was more. My baby was laying there next to what I think was the sac, it was palm sized also and had different coloured tissue inside. I cried with my partner. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't just let the baby go. My partner got another container and I placed my baby inside. We both stared at our baby, he or she had everything and we couldn't believe what had happened. Our baby looked perfect. I cried as I finally passed the placenta, I saw the tiny cord. With each clot after that I kept thinking something more was going to follow but I had to keep reminding myself that the baby had gone. I took a bath and cried. I knew one thing I wanted to do if this happened was catch my baby. I'm glad I did and we had our baby to bury.

I cried all Christmas eve and couldn't stop. Put a face on for Christmas day but burst into tears as soon as my son was asleep. I told my mum and sisters what happened on Boxing Day, they cried with me and told me I should have said. I didn't want to ruin anyone else's Christmas. We were meant to go to my mum's for Christmas but my partner ran round the shop to get things for dinner and we stayed home instead.

We have buried our baby in a big planter with flowers that sits in the kitchen on the side. I wrapped our baby in my son's old baby blanket and said goodnight, we will always love you, baby. We got my son to throw some dirt on to the tiny box as well. He doesn't know what's happened. He doesn't know we were burying our baby.

Sorry this is too long already. I don't really know what to do right now. Cry or sleep or go for another bath. I found my positive test in the bottom of my bathroom bin and started crying. I've saved it now. That's all I have and flowers. I feel like when the clock hits 12 on New Years it will all be forgotten, it will go away. I thought I would still be pregnant now and not drinking Christmas and New Years. There was a tiny life that was lost and I wont have the chance to hold my second baby like I do my son. It kills me.

I'm so sorry this is long, just wanted to jump in as I think my emotions will be all over the place in the next few weeks. I wish none of us were going through this, it fucking hurts. I will probably need someone to talk to as I don't think I an throw it all on my partner, he says he's trying to be strong for me but he hasn't cried since Christmas day as far as I know, where as I can't stop thinking about what I've lost.

How do you cope with other people announcing pregnancies?

One of my really close friends is pregnant. She hasn't told me but I was told by her SIL on the quiet as she was worried I would be upset.
That is the second person having a baby around the same time that I have to see and be close too.
My first mc would have been due in March and the second in June. DH says I'm selfish because I said I wasn't happy for my friends.
I want to be happy for them, I really do, but I just can't! I'm so fucking miserable.
What do I do/say when she tells me?

Loki, I too am in the same holding pattern (but waiting for the second scan though the sac was empty at the first one and so I know it is hopeless). I just want it to be over and know how you feel. Once it is gone I can move forward, but I have no cramps or bleeding. I am just looking towards that date with an end in sight and trying to convince myself that in the grand scheme of my life this month is a short period of time that I will recover from.

I have told everyone coming to New Years tonight (and kept it small).. I can't hide in a cave any more and need to adjust to seeing people. My 2 best friends, brother and sil will be there. I'm hoping I can hold it together, but know they will forgive me if not.

ayria, a loss at Christmas is the worst as it will always bring a touch of sadness, but we will eventually move forward. We'll never forget, but we will survive. My DH cried with me once but is also 'being strong'. He's dealing with it in his own way and no 2 people's grief is the same. He is trying to give me the space I need and hugs when I randomly burst in to tears so that is enough for me. I can't prescribe how he should show it in the same way that he can't heal me. Do speak to your DH, but also a close friend. I found writing on here cathartic, and getting it off my chest did help me to be more open with my brother (who is one of my best friends).

Twinkle, I know how you feel. Christmas is the time for pregnancy announcements, so I have temporarily hidden a few friends feeds. Also someone at work is also pregnant and I think her going on maternity leave a month before I would have is going to hurt a lot. It's not that I am not happy for them.. I don't want anything bad to happen and I know how exciting it is to want to share! But to protect myself I'm going to need a little space. Tbh I'm hoping that in the next 6 months I may be pregnant again (with a positive outcome) and this will help me be more genuinely thrilled. For now I will be avoiding baby showers and trying to keep myself sane. You're not a bad person for expressing that you're jealous. In normal circumstance you'd be happy for them, but you need time to come to terms with what has happened and faking happiness won't really help with that. I think I may drop my work colleague a note before going back to work to explain what has happened, send her my love, and explain that baby talk may be a trigger for me (specifically bursting into tears in the office).

Love to you all

I've already had a baby - my daughter who is 4. This has made other people's pregnancies much easier to deal with for me because I have experienced both sides. When I announced that I was pregnant with dd, my aunt announced that she had lost her baby at 8 weeks. I had no idea that she was pregnant too. She was in her late 40's and ready has 7 children and I had no idea. I felt so terrible and so guilty for announcing my pregnancy when she was suffering. She eouldnt talk to me and i regretted my Facebook announcement so badly I decided this time that we wouldn't announce like that again. However, now that I am the one suffering I actually feel that it is completely unfair to put that guilt onto pregnant women. It wasn't my fault that my dd lived and my aunties baby died. I was so desperate for a baby. TTC dd was all consuming. I spent pregnancy terrified that something would happen to take my baby away. I found pregnancy really emotionally draining. This pregnancy has ended in tragedy for me. No one deserves to go through this. The women around me who are pregnant are no less deserving than me of being a mother. I feel a sad ache every time I see a bump. I feel the tears well up when I see scan photos. But, I remind myself that I wouldn't wish this on any body. When I get my rainbow, I hope other people will be pleased for me. so, no matter how much it hurts, I am going to be pleased for them. Even if I have to fake it until I feel it.

I'm finding that anything to do with newborns and pregnancy now is starting to make me well up. We were shopping, a baby started to cry and I had to stand behind my partner as I thought that if I saw it I would just breakdown.

How was the new years?

I was adamant that I didn't want to see the countdown or anything, didn't want to celebrate it. We started to leave and I burst into tears. My sister told me it'll be a new year with new things. I decided to stay after a pep talk from her and managed to get through the countdown, not that I was listening out for it. I just half-heartedly said Happy New Year and we went a little while afterwards.

What made me stay was my sister telling me that I can't let it become me. You never forget and they're with you all the time. That I need to push past it or it'll just drive me crazy questioning why it happened, going over and over it. It'll absolutely break me if I let it swarm me.
I know what she means, but it's only been a week. Let me cry. Don't ask 'what's wrong?' if I cry. I've lost a baby. I just need to get past it at my own pace.

Me and my partner spoke about trying again. He said that he would be uncomfortable with me getting pregnant before July. I would have been due then. But how can he keep me in that pregnancy bubble that isn't going to happen because there's no baby now? Made me a bit angry as I silently cried myself to sleep. Surely that's not healthy to hang it over me like that when I'm being told to 'move on'?
I understand where he's coming from though, I do. I don't want to conceive too soon. But 7 months from now? I don't want to be living all that time feeling cautious of getting pregnant again because of this pregnancy that I've lost.

I had a weird dream the other day that I could feel a baby's heartbeat in my belly. I thought 'maybe it didn't happen'. I woke up and remembered, fuck.

Hugs ayria. On Nye I was 5 weeks post erpc. I had an awful Nye. I went to bed before 12, and didn't sleep at all. (sleep is a thing id never a problem with before and now I just cant do). Personally I dint think grief is something u get past, I dint think it is a tunnel with light at the end, I don't think of it as a journey with an end destination. Its something that will always be with us, but we need to learn how to make it not hurt as much. My worst time is night time r when I'm on my own. My mind races with the, "it shouldn't be like this" thoughts. But it is and its torture. I find being open when I'm sad helps. I always think about my angel but the non stop intense pain isn't there anymore. It kinda comes in waves. Iv no advice on ttc, as its not an option for me anymore. (my age and gynae health isn't good). Be kind to yourself x