Miscarriage support

[EllieJayJay]

Hello ladies,

It's so very heartbreaking when a miscarriage happens. It happened to me

I was a part of the July 2016 babies and I loved every minute of it, talking about my symptoms and cravings and then without warning my life changed in ten hours.

without any reason with little warning my baby was taken away from me, my heart broke into a thousand pieces - I held my tiny baby in its tiny protective sac in my hand and my life was devastated everything stopped - everything that was going to be disappeared in a blink of an eye and my life took a 360, every emotion within me went black and dark and nothing felt good, or safe or happy.

Very few people I knew, knew I was pregnant and over the past few days I've felt very alone.

So I wanted to start a post for ladies to share their stories in the hope we can help each other x

Just saw this on Facebook 

Sorry here

Sorry you have had to join us obsessed but here to listen and hold hands through this all.

Ro I know what you mean about drinking, I stupidly did drink myself into a major mess, and was horrible to DP (he stupidly drunk himself into a mess two days before) so I'm staying well clear until I am feeling emotionally better - generally neither of us drink that much so it was very out of character. He just went into his cave I was horrible, and when he was horrible back I was even more horrible so he went off into a cave for a few days - I think I was stupid but actually I think he needed to retreat into his "cave" and had been needing too for a while he had just been trying to be there for me and I feel like I let him down completely but after getting upset with each other (not really upset with each other at all) were back to trying to figure out a way to help each other - what he needs is the polar opposite to me so it's hard to balance that but I think we will get there eventually.

I am quite worried that I still can't leave the house on my own, after forcing myself on Monday the idea of talking to anyone is horrifying - I can only talk on here.

I also still have a headache from hell which will just not go away and still having positive pregnancy tests.

I'm just a big mess

Hugs Ellie. I wouldn't be a big drinker either. Joined slimming world in the summer so cut.down drastically. I'm just home from Dr with Ciaran. He has chest infection and needed antibiotics. Now I feel awful cos normally id be on the ball with him. Just feel so wrapped up in myself. Took a panic attack in the Drs and had to lock myself in the toilet, got down on floor and sobbed. Thankfully dad was there to take Ciaran on out so don't think he noticed too much. I was stronger yesterday, today the sadness is unbearable

And the headache is awful. Cant shift it at all

Oh ro don't beat yourself up - your son has what he needs now, well done and I hope he feels better soon. The sadness is so horrible. I went with my dad to take my daughter to school this morning and felt awful, just kept thinking I was pregnant last time I was here. Lost it in the car on the way home.
Weirdly I felt better yesterday. I'm going to go with him again to collect her and then we have to make a dinosaur mask for her school project and she wants to write a letter to Santa - hopefully keeping busy should take my mind off it but I feel guilty thinking like that. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep my mind won't switch off. I think I had three hours last night and Ive been trying to sleep today but can't. The night before the ERPC I couldn't sleep either but I know I need it to heal.
Have you taken pain killers for your headache ro? Drunk enough water? I think mine is just from the crying and my face looks like I'm about 100 yrs old!
Cx

That's how I feel too. Headache from crying. I actually thought I was ok this morning too. Iv been drinking more water today and taking painkillers. I actually got the hoover out earlier. (1st time in weeks, oh has been doing everything), and moped the kitchen floor. That's enough for now tho. Going to go on Friday. Was initially going to ask about better contraception, could not do this again. But think Il ask for counselling too.

O Obsessed thank you so much for sharing that with me. You haven't waffled. What you said was enlightening. I am only as brave as you other ladies are. We are warriors, that's for sure.
Hugs xxx (now on to read the other posts).

ellie you keep talking to us, if that's the way to start the healing process. We are here for you.
I hope your DS feels better soon, RoTo and I hope you have a more restful afternoon.
Being at work certainly helps to take my mind off it, although, to be honest, i would rather be at home under a two-tonne duvet, hiding from the world. I have no time for anyone and feel all bitter and twisted towards the world. I am still none the wiser in regards to what the hell is going to happen come Saturday. For one fleeting moment an hour or so ago, I revelled in the delicious thought of it all being some horrible mistake and I would be the receiver of some fantastic news. But it can't be. LET IT GO. (Thanls Obsessed)

Thanks ladies X and the headaches are awful are just awful aren't they! I was given codiene at the EPU so been taking that it does help but it's just horrendous. I've also gone mad at times ordering very random things from the Internet in the hope it makes me feel better it really hasn't!

So next on my list to try and feel some what better is a detox in the next couple of days, I've been eating nothing but rubbish which can't be helping so I've stocked up on loads of fresh fruit and vegetables (all the healthy stuff I had went off in the past week) loads of tasty fruit juices hoping this will make me feel better.

Belle I think your doing incredibly well xx showing so much strength xx

Ro, must be the day for it I hoovered and mopped too - then felt rubbish again, but I'm going to be proud of myself for doing something small steps are what we need to take and before we know it we will be doing much better X

And I look old so very old - I'm going to dig out a face pack, I've been making myself have a bath with lots of smelly products each day to try and at least not smell like an old sock but my poor skin is a mess - I've just felt guilty for doing nice things for myself but I'm going too think it might help.

Love and hugs to you all X

Yes Ellie, small steps. I feel asleep earlier and woke up not knowing what time it was. Id love to get back to eating healthy but tbh toast is all im managing to eat. (so not me). Tomorrow I'm going to tackle the bathroom. belle the waiting must be awful. Massive hugs xx

We must do nice things for ourselves. But I am with you on the Internet shopping and wanting to spend loads of money (but it doesn't really help, does it?) and the Old Sock Smell Ellie. I have to remind myself that personal hygiene really is a must-! Treat yourself, and please don't feel guilty.
I can't face healthy food, tbh and am stuffing myself with doughnuts, crisps and endless cans of coke (blame it on the healing process, if you will). Give it a go, Ellie, and let us know how you get on.
Fancy coming to do my bathroom, too, RoTo? We could you fly you over and replace the virtual hugs for real ones.
Let's keep on keeping on.
XxX

Aw id love that. Went to local chip shop for Ciaran. Not too far and thought if give going out alone a ho. Big mistake! They're was a lovely wee girl about 5, with a messy ponytail and glasses. (Ciaran and I wear glasses and oh had lazer so chances of ba wearing them high). She was singing 12 days of Christmas. I was sitting waiting on Ciaran's order and she came over and placed her hand on my knee. It was all I could do not to grab her and hug her. Big blow came when she tripped herself up and her grandmother said "Erin r u ok?". Erin was the name we picked. Cried whole way home. It's just all the things we will miss out on hit me. Iv been mourning the loss of a baby, hadn't even occurred it was a whole life were missing out on. As for healthy eating, iv just ordered a massive Chinese for oh and I. Diet can wait to I'm ready.

God I'm ranting, but I'm gonna allow myself to feel sad and not try to get better too fast. As oh said its still v early. I know things will get easier and wee things will set me off. But that's ok. Thanks ladies for being here. Ellie no guilt, uv the right to do things for yourself , and not smell like a sock. Lol. Xxx

Evening everyone

I hope you are feeling even a little bit better. Met up for lunch today with one of my best friends, she told me she had some news & she is pregnant. Also due July (as I would have been). I am godmother to her first DD so she started chatting about her symptoms and how I will have another godchild.. My eyes welled up and I told her what has happened.

I am happy for her as I knew they were trying but so gutted and fear if we don't decide to try again that her child will always be a constant reminder of what stages my baby would have been in

X

Bless your heart Ro that must have been so difficult xx this is why I can't go out on my own I just break down if I see a little human or someone is nice to me - DP came home for an hour this afternoon and took me out which was helpful otherwise I just sit on the sofa or lie in bed - this is why I'm trying to do small routine things like have a bath and trying to make my skin feel better. My heart aches for you because I understand I just wish you didn't have to go through this, I wish none of us did as it is the most heartbreaking thing. It is still very very early I've decided I am not going back to work yet, I don't think I physically can even if I'm at home - very stressful at the moment and I'm likely to cry uncontrollably or hit someone... So I'm not going back yet.

I did an apple diet after Christmas last year for two days it sounds terrible and boring but it's ok if you like apples and it made me feel better after over indulging and it's easy, eat apples, drink apple juice. So I think I can handle this. I have eaten nothing but jacket potatoes, bread and cheese. Randomly just before it happened for me in the EPU and I still had hope that's what a nurse brought me to eat and until some chips today that's pretty much all I've been able to eat - so as I love apples eating just apples seems easy and thought if I physically feel "cleaner" I know that sounds silly but detoxing does that a little my headache at least might go. Now I'm rambling on about apples. sorry X

I'm 9 days since it happened now and today I had sudden pain in my left side, not sure if my body is about to ovulate all ready - it's stronger than normal and all the other symptoms apart from this bloody headache have passed. If it stays past tomorrow or gets worse I guess I will need to go back for another scan but I can't bear the thought of that at the moment it was such an awful experience as was the three internal exams just can't face that at all - I will cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

Off for a bath, using one of the million products I have purchased online... I could open my own chemist.

Sorry mummy posts crossed, that must have been so difficult - you poor thing xx

Oh mummy that must have been hard. No matter how happy you are for your friend it will be a reminder. -hugs-

Ellie both posted at the same time!

It is perfectly fine if you aren't able to face going back to work yet, you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to process it in whatever way suits you the best - for me I've always been a 'keep yourself busy' type of dealing with things so I have just kept a constant stream of things to do to distract myself, I know I couldn't cope being at home by myself. If being at home makes you feel even an eensy bit better do whatever makes it the easiest, as for the ovulation it could well be, perhaps the cramps would be stronger after the mc?

I am feeling so guilty about my friend now - it was her happy news and I just glazed over, not even sure if I congratulated her.. And now I'm not sure how I will continue to be around her to watch her pregnancy develop..

Words cannot describe how difficult this is, another thing I have noticed is most people avoiding talking about it? I feel some comfort talking about the baby but wonder if people feel that they shouldn't bring it up.
I hope we can all gain some comfort from each other.

X

Send your friend a txt in a dew days. Don't feel bad. After what we've been thru were allowed a bit of understanding. I talk about the baby all the time. I think I need to because no matter how hard this is I don't want to forget her and I feel somehow it brings me closer to her.

Ro thank you I think I will, I'll see her in the morning anyway as our children go to pre-school together. I'm hoping the pain eases and I will eventually be able to celebrate with her.

Bit of a double whammy today too as I was due to have a midwife appointment, I had just assumed that the hospital would forward notes on to the GP and midwife but obviously not, she text me at midday today with a bit of an attitude telling me I had not shown up to my appointment and can I call and explain/rebook.

I think you are definatly right, they will never be forgotten, I saw a lovely angel Christmas decoration the other day and debating getting it for the tree to keep our baby there over Christmas. Not sure if it will just keep reminding me and making me sad though? At the moment the only thing I have to show they ever existed is a couple of positive pregnancy tests .

Hope you've had a better day today

Hello X

I think if I was the pregnant friend, I would understand completely how you reacted maybe that's because I've been through it now but I think I would feel very very blessed - I agree with Ro send her text and she should understand your grieving X I'm sure she feels very sad for you.

I've always been a keep busy person, just not this time... Also work is exceptionally stressful and was already miserable with it - I WFH mostly so used to time alone and don't think I can deal with work stuff (very high pressures job and there will be no let up once I return)) so I'm not wanting to rush back to be fair, and I'm not ready I just am not ready so your right I should do what feels right - and I'm starting to do small things so tiny steps is what I need to do and a stupid Apple diet (I was just reminded by DP that I did actually cave in towards the end of the last one and ate a big pizza so we shall see what happens) idea of work makes me break out in a sweat so I am just not ready.

Tomorrow I'm going to try a bit of a sewing project. I need to do something other than watch TV and I can loose myself in sewing

Silly midwife - you think she would be more cautious in her text message!!! I'm guessing this has happened before - that's made me cross.

I text mine and she was lovely but my original appointment was yesterday rescheduled for Friday, when I would have been 9 weeks, I would have been 12 weeks on Christmas Day - I'm addicted to Christmas and I can't even think about it. Don't want anything to do with it at all.

I know I'm sure there must be lots of other women in early pregnancy who lose their babies before the appointment they must know that is a possibility?!

I know what you mean about Christmas, I am normally so organised and excited but this year I'm feeling a bit empty, I already worked out how I could avoid drinking on our work do, which is this sat and telling our families at Christmas and I had thought we would tell our DS at Christmas by getting him a present from his little brother/sister to open on the day. The idea of doing it all while not being pregnant feels devastating.

Xx

Sorry Ellie completely missed your first post! Yes if work is stressful and busy it is best avoided, are work aware what has happened to make allowances for you when you chose to come back in?

Not sure about the apple diet!! I'd be starving haha! Get yourself a good book or some magazines x