dont know if this is the right place - 27wks. baby died 3 wks ago.

[gingerbreadmam]

hi

some of you may have seen me around on other threads. i am 27 weeks pregnant today. due to issues with ds development we have been having regular scans, today was one of them.

i now need to return to hospital on friday to have labour induced and deliver ds. now i know this will be similar to tfmr and wondered if anyone could guide me through it.

i know this might not be the best place to put it in detail so feel free to pm me.

i am scared but a part of me is accepting because our son was going to be disabled with quite a severe leg disability so even if he had made it to full term we would have had a hard journey on our hands (however the pregnancy was very much wanted, even after discovering that).

anyway any advice would be really appreciated. thank you

hey guy

just how you would expect really. the days are getting slightly better but about once a day the pain just feels unbareable. i seem to be able to get to 6.00pm-ish ok and then i get consumed by it all and have a cry.

i know its normal though and i think that makes it feel ok.

we have made funeral plans now, lucas is back from his post mortem either now or tomorrow then will be collected by the funeral directors. they said we can sit in the chapel with him if we would like to. i was thinking of going and reading him a story. i am in two minds though whether i really want to or not. its not like his spirit will be with his body so i dont really need to be close to him physically.

thank you for asking i really appreciate it.

Take your time to decide. Nobody wants to rush you.

i know. its difficult as instictively i wanted to but when i thought more about my beliefs it kind of didnt make sense to but i am worried about having regrets.

i never held lucas. i dont know why. i wasnt asked if i wanted to, i assume its because he wasnt in the best condition as he had been passed for three weeks but now i just feel sad that i never got to feel him in my arms and that he didnt get a cuddle off his mam. i feel guilty my beautiful baby never even got a cuddle. i didnt even kiss him.

i guess i was freaked out a bit. i didnt want to sit looking at him for ages it didnt feel right. my dp didnt want to see him at all and only did really because he was in the room with me and i wanted to. i wish i had known i would feel like this and had more time with him.

He has his teddy bear, and his train, and his grandma. That's a lot.

You did what you could at the time: I'm in awe that you could put one foot in front of the other at the time.

It's not the same, but I regret a couple of minor things about things that happened after my mmc and the main consolation is that I didn't know any better and that I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time.

I'm a great believer in "it will be all right in the end. If it isn't all right, it isn't the end."

thanks mrs thats very comforting and i will remember it every time i get that little ache wishing i knew what it felt like to hold him.

he is with the funeral directors for well over a week so i have plenty of time to make the decision.

i guess with anything you have regrets like you say you do the best you can with the knowledge you have at that time.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I've not had an experience like this, but I've been in labour, all labour experiences are different, but there will be an element of pain I'm afraid, as pp have said, u will have a lot more pain relief options available to you in this situation, and I'm sure the midwives will be supportive, loving and keep you as comfortable as possible, many units have specialised staff to help you deal with the process of labour and with what happens afterwards. Try and focus on yourself and ur needs, I'm so sorry I can't b of more help, I'll b thinking of you, lots of love (and hugs) for you, ur partner and ur lovely baby boy xxx

I'm so sorry, I just realised that you have already had Lucas, just do what feels right now xx

I agree with MrsHathaway, I think she's spot on.

for you dear ginger.

About reading a story, yes, just see how you feel. Or singing Lucas a song. I feel the same way as you, that a body is just a body, but it's also good to remember that a lot of the things we do after losing a loved one are for US and not for the person who has gone. So if you feel that reading a story would help you, as a mother, then you should feel free to do so.

I wish I had some helpful words. But please know that you are in my thoughts.

thanks dino keeps popping back up as all you lovely mnetters help me along my way.

mums thank you for your comment. sounds silly saying this but just reading that made me think if i do want to read him a story or sing him a song i will be able to do that at his graveside so i dont need to worry about regretting things because those things ill always be able to do.

Ginger you're right. I worried about doing all these things before dd2 was cremated. Thing is, I often go to her spot and chat to her, tell her all my hopes and dreams for her, tell her I'm sorry or just take her flowers and sit quietly and feel angry she's not here.

You'll always have a place to go to see Lucas.

thanks kitty im really greatful to you for sharing as i know you have been through it too.

i think thats for the best. i dont know if i would get any comfort sitting so close to him and not being able to see or touch him.

Ginger
taken me all day to read this thread (coming back to it when I have a spare fewmins) and reminds me of when my lost db. He had passed away a week or so inside her and she was in the middle of her pregnancy. Seeing her go through that pain was horrible and its really made me fill up reading this.

We have isaacs picture up in the house. Mum has since had 4xmmcs and 1 dc after isaac. Little bro will kiss isaacs pic in the morning when he comes down. So still feels like hes apart of the family in a more physical way.

we put white trellis up around his grave and put white pebbles on it so it looked like a cot with a blanket. Just an idea?

Rip little man x x

x

aww baubles so sorry for the loss of isaac. im glad it still feels like hes part of the family.

yes we have already decided to put up some trellis at the grave with pebbles. it will be nice as he is being buried in a grave with his grandma and great grandad and i want a special little place just for him where i can adorn it with all the little things i would like to buy him.

i was discussing with my dm yesterday about what people would take to the funeral. i said i just want things people would normally buy for a baby. no flowers. we are not having any arrangements. i am going to take a balloon arrangement with baby balloons and a foil one with either baby boy or son depending on what we can get.

Sounds really nice ginger.

I think it hit my dad the most.
this was a surprise pregnancy unplanned but very wanted. He would go on about how isaac wouldnt let him sleep as mum would sleep to close to him and he would carry on kicking!
Mum had 5 kids already with eldest being 14 at that time.
the hardest part for me was I was also expecting. Our boys would have been 3months apart.
I just felt so guilty that this had happened.

I remember when she was getting labour pain and I was sat with her and she teared up and said go get something to eat as your carrying my grandchild. I couldnt apologise enough.
It was his due date a week or so ago and no one remembered.
But we do a big 'hatham' where we prayer and cook lots of food and talk about him on the day he passed and the day we buried him.

He would have been 5 now. Im quite spritual and so is the family. We've all had dreams of this little cheeky boy pulling tricks on us.
I even saw him when I was in prem labour withtmy youngest he was sat on the windowsill kicking his thin little legs and laughing looked a lot like 2nd to youngest bro (might have been the gas and air but still a nice thought isnt it)

I hope today was easier on you x

the days are usually fine however i have just fell out with dp and am fuming. its times like this im so scared of putting him in with mil. what if something happens and thats where i have to go and see him?

that sounds lovely about isaac. i cant imagine how hard it must have been for you being pregnant at the same time. all the heartache you would have felt for your dm and the guilt over your own healthy baby as well as the worry it probably gave you incase something bad happened. when i went for the scan where we discovered lucas had died a work colleague was in the waiting room having what i imagine was her 3month scan. i feel so sorry for her when she found out our news.

if its any consolation to you i dont feel angry or anything she is pregnant i am very happy for her and hope that she doesnt let our bad news cause her any anxiety about her pregnancy.

Anxiety hit the roof with that pregnancy as it was my first
I was due to give birth at the same hospital as where mum delivered but it was too painful for her so switched to the local hospital and that almost killed me as I alsohad a pph. Lost 2L with ds1 2.5L with ds2 and ds3 1.5L.
Dont worry about your bleeding as it does go away quickly.

When I had ds2 I had huge clots inside (think bigger than palm) and was losing them (which is why Im in 2 minds about any more) and the dr could feel them the day I lost them by pressing my stomach and she assumed I had polyps

strangely find this therapeutic for myself for holding all that guilt. In the strangest way thank you

I was going to say to me it sounds like a good idea to go and be next to him physically and maybe read him a prayer or sing him a song or something and if you find its too much then you could stop and leave? At least that way you wont regret not doing so?
Obviously only do what you want to.

Hope the argument blows over soon x x

it probably will im just going to keep out of his way. im at the end of my tether with him anyway and that has pushed me over the edge.

ohr that sounds awful. fwiw i had several pph's with my mmc and was high risk in this pregnancy because of that. mw said some people are just bleeders so maybe it wasnt anything to do with which hospital you were at? altho its a bit sad u didnt get the hospital u wanted.

i can understand that. its awful. so glad your pregnancy went well tho even if the births sound a bit traumatic and glad talking about it is helping.