dont know if this is the right place - 27wks. baby died 3 wks ago.

[gingerbreadmam]

hi

some of you may have seen me around on other threads. i am 27 weeks pregnant today. due to issues with ds development we have been having regular scans, today was one of them.

i now need to return to hospital on friday to have labour induced and deliver ds. now i know this will be similar to tfmr and wondered if anyone could guide me through it.

i know this might not be the best place to put it in detail so feel free to pm me.

i am scared but a part of me is accepting because our son was going to be disabled with quite a severe leg disability so even if he had made it to full term we would have had a hard journey on our hands (however the pregnancy was very much wanted, even after discovering that).

anyway any advice would be really appreciated. thank you

Are you having Lucas buried or cremated? I didn't think much about it at the time but I have found in the months that having a spot to visit has really helped (we had dd2 cremated, were amazed they got some ashes for us so we now have a spot in the children's garden where her ashes are buried and a plaque in the sands garden for her)

I also have the bear from her memory box, sands provide ones for our hospital; they have 2 bears, one that goes with your baby and one you keep. I sleep with her bear every night.

I know what you mean about not getting to buy stuff for him. It's not the same but I now have that feeling that I still get to buy stuff for Rose, it's just flowers and trinkets for her spot. Sometimes it feels shit and really unfair that while others get to choose babygros I get to choose flowers, however, most of the time it cheers me up.

I also had a thing about her memory box being as full as it will ever get (we always add stuff to dd1s). My friend bought us a bear especially for her box and told me all about the things she gets for her ds's box. Since then I have brought home stones and shells from holiday, my friends have made things for her etc which have all gone in her box.

There's no point in me saying it gets better, you know that already, but it doesn't make today easier. Allow yourself the freedom to cry when you need to.

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened gingerbread

thanks greedy.

we were originally going to go for cremation until they told us there would be no guarantee of ashes back. my dp feels it would be the right thing to do as he had done some research online that said something about if their body is not right thats just their shell and they leave it behind because its not right. something along those lines. i didnt agree with it tbh altho i think i can see what he meant.

anyway my dm called the funeral directors we used to bury dps dm a week ago and they said we will be able to bury lucas with dm. we do need to get permission from dps nanna as it was a double grave so technically she owns the deeds but i doubt that will be a problem. so basically yes we will have somewhere to visit. i never thought of it like that, that we will be able to take nice things for him. that is a nice way of putting it thank you.

my hospital did do memory boxes provided by someone else. we got 2 teddy bears in it. we have a picture of lucas cuddling the smaller one so that is amazing to keep. it also has his prints in and lots of other lovely things. its just awful u go in and have a baby and come out with a box.

i know youre so right. i hope i am not making it difficult for you bringing back all these fresh memories.

i am starting to feel scared now too as i had an awful tome after my mmc and i am hardly bleeding and i am panicking about it happening again.

I'm glad you have had a chance to decide on what you want for him.

Yes, I thought the same thing, you go in with a baby and leave with a box. I remember passing as pregnant lady on her way in as I was leaving, clutching our box, and bitterly thinking how lucky she was to be leaving with a baby.

Personally leaving her there in hospital and walking out to the car is the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I have ever done (and most likely will be for the rest of my life, I cannot imagine a worse feeling than leaving your baby behind, dead or alive)

just wanted to add i have spoken to hospital about bleeding after having a telling off from my mam and they said i sounds normal so thats a good thing.

i know when we went to have him blessed all i could think was how on earth am i going to leave this place without you.

i just have to keep reminding myself he was too poorly it wouldnt have been fair. its the hardest thing ever though.

yes we've had chance to decide which is good. it is nice he can go in with his grandma. she'll be looking after him now.

ginger I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You sound like you are being so brave. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you feel xxx

Oh ginger I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your gorgeous little boy.
I was on the ttc after MC an postfernickity threads with you and know what a difficult road you've had.
I know there are no words to ease the heartache but you're in my thoughts

thank you everyone. its an awful feeling. you have all this love and no-one to give it to.

then you remind yourself its for the best. then feel guilty for feeling like that.

i cant really put it into words.

I understand. It's a feeling you can't explain unless you've been there.

The 'it's for the best' seems so unfair. For a long time a separated my dd from the Edwards and saw them as 2 different things, the Edwards being a thing that stopped her being with us.

I now see it as a part of her, I love all of her but she was never going to be ok. That has helped me accept it a bit. I can't think about how I'll she was for long though as it still upsets me.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor? I know it's not for some people but I have found it has really helped me work though some really complicated feelings, she is not helping with my emotions around ttc which are not simple either

i will be having counselling i spoke to the bereavement nurse yesterday and she said give it a couple of weeks to all sink in then will arrange something. it really helped after my mmc.

to look at the pic of lucas i have he does look like a normal baby and when things were still looking up and i got upset or down about his leg i kept reminding myself his face will just be normal and it was but i know he had the bad leg. even the prints we only got one foot so his right foot must have been pretty bad. thats the reassurance i need though. he would have been physically very different to other kids and that would have affected his, and selfishly, our quality of life very much. too much really.

my dp is desperate for a puppy and he deserves one all the crap he has been through. our ll has agreed so he is out looking this afternoon. i hope it will bring us some sort of something.

I'm glad yore getting counselling ginger.

The puppy sounds like a great idea. I withdrew from family life for a while but my dh threw himself entirely into dd1. Now I'm feeling a bit better I have realised just how much having her around helped me. Having someone or something to look after will give you a focus while not replacing Lucas.

I know what you mean about them looking normal. Edwards can have some very server outward features, especially facial ones. Dd2 had not facial features apart from a slightly smaller jaw, you would only have picked it up if you knew you were looking at and Edwards baby. She also had crossed fingers. That was it. She looked perfect and healthy. However, internally she had 3 holes in her heart and huge brain defects. It's so hard to tally them up. Tbh the only thing that helped me was my counsellor (who used to be a screening midwife) looking at her photos and saying 'I can tell she has Edwards'. I don't know why I needed to hear it but I almost immediately moved on from focusing on her trisomy.

Op I am just a lurker who has followed your thread,I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Lucas, such a lovely name it's my ds3's middle name.

I think it's lovely he will be laid to rest with his grandma, so he won't be alone abd is with someone who will have loved him. I hope that gives you some comfort.

Much love to you and all the ladies on this thread who have been through such terrible loss. I have had three miscarriages, but early on, they still broke my heart so I can't imagine your pain but I am thinking of you and sending love xxx

You're doing so well ginger and I'm so glad you have a photo of Lucas. Would you like to share it with us?

That is, don't feel you must, but if you had been thinking you might like to then please know this is a safe space to do so.

i thought about sharing it earlier today but i think i will keep it for myself. with him being gone 3 weeks before delivery he had already deteriorated slightly. he still looked perfect to me though.

i know what you mean kitty. i think when they look ok its easy to think there was nothing wrong but knowing there was makes it easier to bare.

thank you for whoever made comment about him being buried with his grandma. i keep wavering on this and wondering if i am doing the right thing but when worded like that it makes it sound just perfect.

we put a deposit on a puppy today. im feeling a bit weird about it tbh. im sure once we collect him on saturday it will change but just now i feel terrible like we are trying to replace lucas. in all reality that couldnt be further from the truth. i wanted the puppy to help my partner heal, mainly from loosing his dm. i know he has lost his son too but we didnt even get to know him he knew and loved his dm for almost 30years and its hard. he needs some happiness and hopefully caring for a puppy will bring that.

if people are still reading i have a question, cba starting a new thread for it so here goes. i have had hardly any lochia, nothing like i had expected and today (4 days on from delivery) there is only brown when wiping. is this normal? i know i was only 27wks so maybe it is. i have spoke to 2 midwives who assure me it is but i kp panicking there is something wrong. it does seem to have gone through all the usual 'stages' in colour.

also, how do i know if my milks come in? my dm said i would be leaking but ive been wearing breast pads so how would i know?

In regards to the locia that sounds fairly normal. Mine was only a few days after 22 weeks. Even after the full term birth of dd1 (I think it's also effected by breastfeeding) my locia was only a few weeks.

I ovulated almost straight after I finished bleeding and had a period4 weeks exactly after I have birth.

Try not to feel odd about the puppy. You know the reasons you're doing it, there is no reason to try and justify it. Go with your gut.

We booked a holiday to our families flat in Greece a week after we lost dd2, we went over my due date. My gut feeling was I couldn't be here for my due date and I needed to do something positive with dd1. I got a few raised eyebrows that made me doubt myself but it was in all honesty the best choice. I healed so much over that week it really helped my progress.

does it? i think when learning about having children the lochia part always scared me a little so to not hardly have any has come as a bit of a surprise. as long as it seems normal which people r reassuring me it is i am happy with that.

thanks for helping me kitty you have been such a wealth of knowledge in all of this and also in making me feel like everything i am doing is fine. thanks for that and to everyone else of course.

no you certainly shouldnt worry what other people think it is about you and your dp first and foremost then your dc and nothing to do with anyone else. i hope u managed to enjoy your holiday.

I'm so sorry ginger

thank you bear!

Sorry for your loss, I hope Friday goes ok. I don't have any experience but didn't want to read & run x

thanks mamma

Still thinking of you every day ginger. Sending hugs and strength.

Hi Ginger, I read through this thread last night and my heart just broke for you. I went through a similiar thing to you in May. I had my son Jack at 18+3, it was a strange experience, the concept of labouring and delivering but not taking my baby home. He weighed 150 grams he was tiny and perfect.

Please take care of yourself, this is going to be a difficult time for you with good days, not so great days, sad days, angry days and some days when you feel your heart has been ripped from your body. I want to be honest with you it is a bumpy road but it will start to get better. Day to day I am not too bad now, I still have difficulty when I am in the supermarket and there is a crying newborn. But everyone is different, cry when you need to and accept people's help when they offer.

Thinking of you Ginger and if wver you want to chat, let off steam or put the world to rights I am happy to lend an ear. xxxx