dont know if this is the right place - 27wks. baby died 3 wks ago.

[gingerbreadmam]

hi

some of you may have seen me around on other threads. i am 27 weeks pregnant today. due to issues with ds development we have been having regular scans, today was one of them.

i now need to return to hospital on friday to have labour induced and deliver ds. now i know this will be similar to tfmr and wondered if anyone could guide me through it.

i know this might not be the best place to put it in detail so feel free to pm me.

i am scared but a part of me is accepting because our son was going to be disabled with quite a severe leg disability so even if he had made it to full term we would have had a hard journey on our hands (however the pregnancy was very much wanted, even after discovering that).

anyway any advice would be really appreciated. thank you

I'm so glad it went as well as it could have. Hope you get some rest tonight, you deserve it x

Still thinking of you xx

thank you so much i really appreciate it.

yes were getting tired now, sure we will sleep well tonite l. thanks again xx

Thinking of you xxxx

ginger I'm so sorry this has happened, but very proud of you for getting through today. Lucas is such a beautiful name. Sending huge unmumsnetty hugs and love to you and your dp. Take lots of care and remember your Mn family is right here if you need anything xx

thank you everyone your words are lovely and helping us through! thanks so much xx

I'm glad you managed the pain ok. I remember that relief. It sounds very twee but the worst of the physical stuff is over now, you can now start grieving and healing

thanks kitty.

i felt like i really struggled with the pain but i dont know if its cos i was lulled into a false sense of security with the take any drug you can you dont need to be in pain because i was in agony!

like u say tho all over now and time to grieve and heal. will get through it. thanks a lot xx

Oh ginger, I struggled with the pain towards the end too. It isn't pleasant at all.

Have the hospital given you details of sands or arc? They have been a great help to me since loosing dd2

yes ive got sands details. havent been in touch as of yet but probably will be next week. glad they have been a big help to you.

weve just had a sleep and when i woke up it was like it was all a dream. i miss him so much. i wish we had gotten to hold him and smell him and take him all in but most of all i wish we had chance to know him a little bit.

i didnt realise the labour would be like that not sure why but i just thought it would be ok. nevermind like i say iver and done with now.

ginger I was just doing a search for you wondering how you were after we went through our mmc together before Christmas.
This is so awful and unfair. I'm so so sorry. Sending you all the love in the world.

I know, that is the horrid rawness of the first few weeks. The aching feeling.

It is an awful feeling but remember you're not alone. Some of us know how you feel.

Take it an hour at a time, allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Labour is hard, especially when you don't have a baby at the end. I imagine it's even harder if it's your first and don't know what to expect. I'm sorry we could explain it to you better.

I know I have found it very useful to talk to my counsellor, grieving a baby is different to someone you have known a long time.

I'm not religious but I found this website helpful
stillstandingmag.com

Thinking of you.

Try to sit outside a little bit if you can. From my own experience of bereavement I think that being outdoors can be very helpful when grieving.

my friends coming over this morning and were going to sit out the sun is out and that already makes me feel a little better.

i cant believe life can be so cruel. i went to sleep last night breaking my heart that i never got to kiss him i want to give him a million kisses. i woke up this morning feeling like there is an empty space in our bed. i just wanted him between us filling that gap.

i dont know how i can miss someone so much i never even had the chance to know but i do. i laid this morning thinking we'll never know if he'd be into thomas or peppa or anything.

i can still think its lifes way,he wasnt well enough for this earth and so on but in those moments of pure grief its easy to forget about his problems.

this is so hard.

thanks guy its nice to hear frm you

I hope you've managed a bit of peace today ginger x

I hope you have a restful day.
Just wanted to mention, in case you weren't aware, you are fully entitled to your maternity leave which I guess starts now. Just wanted to make sure you are not worried about work or anything or feeling like you need to get back to anything quickly. You have time to grieve.
Big hugs.

yes i emailed hr yesterday and my maternity leave started the day i gave birth.

no peace today. i am finding the heartbreak unbareable. i didnt know it would hurt this much. i cant stop crying.

I wish I could give you a hug or say something to help. I'm so sorry.

im wondering if its 'baby blues' making it feel even worse if that makes sense? the crying just keeps on coming and half the time i dont even know what's set it off.

You're grieving my darling, and your hormones will be all over the place.
You don't need to analyse it if you don't want to. However you feel is ok.

My lovely, I'm 6 months on and while I've had longer times of reprieve (had a good 5 weeks of positivity) I'm into a spell of crying at nothing again. I was set off by leavers assembly knowing my dd2 will never do that.

My friend said she had a proper sob-fest 5 years after loosing her ds when her friends ds learnt to ride a bike. She also had a wobble at leavers as her ds would have been that age now and going onto secondary.

It's ok. That's the thing I've learnt since this happened to me, it's ok to not be ok and to say 'I don't feel ok'. That's where true strength is, not in getting up and getting on with it while trying to not feel something and pushing it down (if that makes any sense)

I took 6 weeks off school and then did a phased return, I was lucky that my head gave it all as compassionate. We lost dd2 too early to be entitled to maternity leave. I'm not going to tell you what to do but please don't go back before you're ready.

My lovely, I'm 6 months on and while I've had longer times of reprieve (had a good 5 weeks of positivity) I'm into a spell of crying at nothing again. I was set off by leavers assembly knowing my dd2 will never do that.

My friend said she had a proper sob-fest 5 years after loosing her ds when her friends ds learnt to ride a bike. She also had a wobble at leavers as her ds would have been that age now and going onto secondary.

It's ok. That's the thing I've learnt since this happened to me, it's ok to not be ok and to say 'I don't feel ok'. That's where true strength is, not in getting up and getting on with it while trying to not feel something and pushing it down (if that makes any sense)

I took 6 weeks off school and then did a phased return, I was lucky that my head gave it all as compassionate. We lost dd2 too early to be entitled to maternity leave. I'm not going to tell you what to do but please don't go back before you're ready.

ill be taking off as long as i can afford. i went back after my mmc and it was the worst thing i did. work didnt care about the traima id been through they just wanted me to do what i was paid for which i struggled with as i had other things on my mind. ive never really recovered in the workplace from that and it was even highlighted at my recent pdr. im not rushing back to those pressures its not worth my while.

thank you both and kitty that makes complete sense. i was running hands thru dps hair earlier and the tears came cos i would never feel Lucas's hair. thats what ive been like all day. we went to dmils grave earlier and dp mentioned something about a shrine to lucas and i thought thats all im ever going to get to buy for him.

i kept some of the blanket we wrapped him in but it was at dms so ive picked it up today and hopefully i will find some comfort from that this evening.

i know this will get better and i just need to hold onto that thought but god it is hard so very hard.