Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 27 - Tests, Treatments and Trying Again

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Tea, hugs, a wealth of collective knowledge and lots of hand holding as we try again. This thread moves like lightning so hold on to your hats!
Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/2404797-Recurrent-Miscarriage-Support-Thread-26-tests-treatment-and-trying-again

Big hugs twilight, barking and onestep, I can only imagine being in your positions but my heart goes out to you all and anyone else in a similar position. I wish every decent person could become a mother or father if they wish and I struggle with the unfairness of the world when this doesn't happen and the lowest, undeserving people get it instead. Makes me very and .
xxxxxx

Hello everyone. This thread has completely run away from me.

twilight I'm so sorry you feel this way. I understand completely because I feel it too. I'm actually crying as I write this because I just can't even imagine having a successful pregnancy. And I'm scared because I realised a few weeks ago that I'm ticking all of the boxes for PTSD but I'm too scared of doctors now to talk to anyone about it.

I've been back at work for three days and spoke to my line manager today and he was actually really nice but apparently HR have turned around and said miscarriage doesn't count as pregnancy related sickness and they want a case conference over my sickness. He said it's just paperwork and I have nothing to worry about but I can't deal with this anymore. I gave everything to that job and I feel like they just want to kick when I'm as down as I can get. I didn't choose this, I'd give anything to just wipe the last eleven months of my life away but they seem to think I'm faking feeling this way. Every time I start to piece my life back together it's just smashed to pieces again so what is the point of even trying anymore.

I'm sorry I know I'm rambling but I just can't do this anymore and most days I just don't want to wake up.

Snoopy hugs hugs and more GIANT HUGS!!! I'm angry for you, for your situation and everybody, including myself on here.

What can we do to try and raise awareness or what we have to deal with!!!???

**of

Snoopy, please do seek help from your GP. PTSD is real and can be treated. xx

oh snoopy it sounds like you're really feeling low at the moment.

I'm sure miscarriage shouldn't be included as normal sickness and hopefully someone else Will be along shortly with more knowledge on it.

If you can't face seeing your Dr how about calling the miscarriage association if you feel it will help to talk about how you're feeling? Or is it possible to access a counsellor through work or privately?

You have been through hell recently and it's ok to feel this shit. Keep talking to us on here if that helps. But please know, one day you won't feel this bad, it will get a little better eventually, and then a bit more. xxx

I just don't know what to do anymore. I pretend I'm ok in front of people and then I just sit here on my own crying because I can't take it. The feeling of failure is unbearable.

Snoopy you are absolutely not a failure. And I'm very sure they have to treat miscarriages as pregnant related illness as otherwise it can be considered sex discrimination as it is something a male colleague cannot suffer from. That's what my friend who is very high up in HR told me.

Have you got any friends who can actually relate on any way to.what you're going through and can support you through this? big hugs

Oh twilight I know exactly how you feel, I just don't know what you're supposed to do with life if you don't have kids it's all I've ever wanted. barking you're year out sounds like a good plan but really hoping it doesn't come to that.

I'm afraid I don't really have any coping mechanisms other than trying to make yourself busy but at times it just seems so false.

snoopy I'm also not sure about the sickness thing but I thought it did count.

Sending everyone lots of hugs xx

None who have ever had a miscarriage or even thinking about kids yet.

Sorry, I didn't want to sound so me me me. I just wanted twilight to know I share her fears.

I just don't know what to do about work anymore

Snoopy you're not so 'me, me, me*, don't even think that way. This is what this forum is here for. Just shout it out, whatever it is, just say it on here.

There were times a couple of weeks ago where I thought about, or just didn't have the energy/inclination to put in to words on here, but I just got to the point where I told myself *f@$ it, I don't care this is how I'm feeling and all you ladies on here, make me feel better for putting my words out on here.

Please talk to your GP about your situation at work, get a letter or something in writing from them. It's exhausting enough to go through what we go through, without having to fight further to be heard and understood at work, it's NOT worth it!! xxxxxxxxxx

Big hugs to everyone struggling.

twilight, barking, onestep, snoopy and the others trying for #1, my heart goes out to you. I know this journey would be so much harder if i didn't have dd and I'm sure i would feel exactly the same. I really believe you will get your babies but it's bloody shit getting there. And trying to find the courage to keep trying again and again is so hard (for all of us). I don't have many words of wisdom beyond what the others have said - to continue to live life and make plans in the meantime. But i also know how hard i find that in practice.

snoopy. I had the same issue with my employer saying it wasn't pg related (different employer, but same 'business') and was totally outraged. Luckily i didn't have to challenge then on it until i was feeling stronger. They amended it eventually when i did finally challenge it and i think they realised it was totally ridiculous to suggest the end of a pg wasn't pg related!?! I honestly think it was just their computer that didn't have that particular drop down (it came under gynae instead). Really hope it gets sorted but try not to let it upset you. It will get sorted.

And as far as the black fog you are currently in goes, you will come out of the other end. My third hit me really hard and it took me 2 to 3 months before i started to have any days where i felt normal. I literally felt floppy and dead. Try not to put pressure or timescales on yourself for when you 'should' feel better, it doesn't help to rush it. But do try and get yourself out in the fresh air somewhere beautiful with nobody else around so you can have a good cry. It's too easy to just end up sitting at home because you don't feel up to doing anything, but when i did force myself i felt better for it (but it has to be you that instigates this. I found others telling me i ought to get out for a walk really annoying!) Have you marked your losses in any way? If not, maybe that would help?
Some of the ladies on here had some good ideas for getting through it. Planning something nice to do every week. Making a daily mental list of all the good things that you have in your life/have happened to you each day. Giving yourself daily targets, just to get through these long days.

And finally, don't be scared to seek help. I am now going to counselling again through our employee assistance program (ours is through axa). Perhaps you can access this too without having to go to your gp if you want to avoid that, although i wouldn't role your gp out, they can be a great help . Big hugs x

Snoopy I agree with all the others - miscarriages are absolutely "pregnancy related" - even if they need to find a different tick box if they want to feel precise...

& I also really feel for people TTC their first - life seems so unfair sometimes.

So I got my private test results today - after all standard NHS ones (including NK count) being normal & my NK activity is high just over the 20% threshold but can down to under 10% with prednisolone applied to the assay. We're both feeling thrilled (!) to finally be able to put a finger on something as wrong & now finally have more faith that with steroids I will be able to get beyond the 9/40 danger zone...
Although of course I'm worrying now that we're due some secondary infertility, another blighted ovum, an ectopic pregnancy a molar pregnancy or a chromosomal abnormality!

twilight barking onestep I can only imagine how scary it is to feel it may never happen for you. (Two years of trying was a hard slog and I felt a little of your pain and fear during that time.) I'm just so sorry I can't click my fingers and make it happen for all of you. You are all so lovely and such strong deserving ladies and it's so so unfair that's it's so bloody hard for some people and so easy for others. Words fail me in how to make it better but just keep ranting away as often as you need. Huge huge squeezing hugs to you all. Xx

snoopy all the above applies to you too. I'm sure MC can't be counted as regular sickness, my boss just filled in absence forms as normal. Unless the police is different maybe. You sound in such a dark place and I hate the thought of you sitting crying on your own. I wish i could give you a big hug. You are most definitely not a failure and eventually, very slowly, you will start to feel a little better and the darkness will lift a bit. What's the saying- 'if you're going through hell, keep going'- you will get through even though it's so bloody hellish right now xxx

Twilight Barking Onestep I hear you ladies. This is my first too. And even though I'm pregnant, why would the 4th attempt be any different to the first 3?

I am terrified this one will go the same way and we are back to the beginning.

In my darkest hours I wondered if I would ever be a mother? I still wonder it now as it doesn't feel real yet.

I do know though that I doubt I will get my dream of more than 1 child. If this pregnancy works I cannot risk going through another loss - the pain we have been through has been truly brutal.

I have unfollowed so many friends on Facebook because I cannot bear to see their family pics with young children. Twilight I usually cry in the shower when I'm by myself. I cradle my tummy and think about my lost babies.

Barking I regularly cancel things when I know there will be babies there.

I've had friends tell me in not so many words that I need to get over it and that I should be happy for other friends "because these happy times need to celebrated"

I still remember now how hurt that made me feel.

I'm sick of MiL being dismissive of my fears and wanting her own copy of my 6 week scan pic.

No, no one else gets that - because if I lose this baby that is all I will have and I'm not sharing it with anyone

My mantra to myself and to you lovely ladies is that the night is always darkest just before the dawn. And I desperately hope my sun is slowly starting to rise somewhere over the horizon.

Hope is all I have and we have to each try and hang on to it

xx

Brummie thank you Xx
You can do this, willing this healthy pregnancy along for you.

Snoopy - i have been wondering where you were. I second what everyone else has said. I think its eithe Purple or Pop or Just that really knows their stuff on hr law (snd brummie too) but they really set me straight and were very emphatic back in february that any time off is legally classed as pregnancy related. And i can not promise that the pain will go away, but i believe it will lesson, and i am sure that this terrible black cloud that has hold of you will evaporate. I am not a depressive person but the wsy i felt after number 3 was awful. For weeks i just felt like someone hsd scooped my soul out, i was a husk. And i just could not cry! I felt explosive rage, but i just couldn't cry - it was very depleating. You won't stay in the place you are in. Xxx

Ladies - am so with you on the fear of it never happening. Huge hugs. x

Even though I'm currently pg, I can't shake the fear that something will go wrong and we will be facing our fifth loss. I too have felt that loneliness and spent days/ weeks wondering what we will do with the rest of our lives if we don't have kids.

No huge pearls of wisdom, except what others have said about making plans for the future, whatever way life takes us. For me it was / is very important that we have a plan in case it does all go wrong again, as this i'm pretty sure is the last go for us. Having that alternate view of the future - new job, moving out of our 3 bed 'family' home in the country to a smaller house in a more urban location etc - all those things just help me visualise a different future if the worst happens. I think the worst thing for me is the thought of just going on in this limbo for years to come with nothing changing.

But I also have hope that we will all get there one day, no matter how hard the journey.

xxx

Snoopy stuff like this makes me so fucking angry. It is basic HR

You cannot class miscarriage as normal sick leave because it is pregnancy related. In that you wouldn't have suffered a mc if you hadn't been pregnant.

If you are penalised for it, then yes it is discrimination because a man cannot get pregnant.

You can't not have your sick leave counted. So for example if you had 4 weeks sick pay over a year and say you had 2 weeks already for flu and then you had an mc and needed 3 weeks off sick. Yes, your employer can make you take 1 week unpaid or holiday as you have exceeded your sick leave.

But - it cannot be counted against you for performance related purposes.

This is basic fucking HR it enrages me!!! You might wish to check out ACAS

Bastards

Lovely words brummie. I wanted to reach out and slap those friends who told you to get over it and be happy for others . No one can tell you how to feel, everyone deals with shit in their own way. I've had friends say 'but it's natural for x to want to talk about her baby.' I'm not disagreeing, and if I was happily naively pg I'm sure I'd want to talk about it. But of all the people she could choose to speak to, I am not the one who wants to listen thank you. There are countless women who love to talk about babies, talk to them. Why talk to me when you know it's going to make me cry ffs? Why??

snoopy I want to give you a big hug. It's shit, and it won't disappear overnight, but the pain will ease. And mc definitely is pg related, and cannot be counted against you.

Sun we are like you, we decided that if we weren't successful we would sell our house in Worcestershire and move back to Birmingham city centre and enjoy the life we had previously, plus amazing holidays.

We bought this house to raise a family and hopefully it will be ok and we will do just that.

But we decided we couldn't live here without our family xx

Does anyone else hear the soundtrack to the Lloyd's bank advert on TV at the moment and nearly be reduced to tears??!! The melody just gets me, sounds so much like how my soul feels going through all this!! It's a beautiful track, does anyone know who it's by?

I would have lost my marbles after mc 3 if it wasn't for this thread
You lot have been my therapy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One step I cried at that advert on the sofa last night with DH!

snoopy - grrrr - that pisses me off so much. How on earth can MC not be pregnancy related???!!!!!! Try having a MC without being pregnant???? for you. ACAS sounds like a good idea to get the relevant legislation to quote at your work. Hugs hugs lovely. xxxx