Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 20 - tests, treatment, trying again.

[barkingtreefrog]

Buckle up, the threads move like lightening! Tea, sympathy, information, support and combined wisdom to guide you through the maze of testing and treatment for recurrent miscarriage. Newbies always most welcome.

Please start with the traditional recap of your stats.

Biking and chickens sounds great counting. Loving the thought of those cute little chickens following you round the garden! Glad you have had a lovely relaxing break. Hope the same is true of sun in China.

You don't sound self absorbed or dramatic barking, I totally agree that this horrible journey we're on takes over everything. I have no chat other than about babies, mc, testing blah blah blah. My friends (those that still bother to listen) must be bored shitless. I think it is time you did some of the stuff you enjoy for a bit and get back into life. If you have to wait anyway then may as well get on with doing fun things while you wait and decide what to do next. Here's to wine, chocolate and lots of sporty stuff!

Monten that was hugely powerful and educating actually. I haven't been in that situation myself but it made me cry. I think you should post it on that thread actually. In a similar vein to what you have said here. That you have been unable to stop thinking about it and wanted to write the following post for closure reasons. People who were following the thread just might learn something!!

Monten, beautifully put. Hugs to you. I think some people actually have no idea about what can go wrong, or what living that experience would actually be like. Good for them, its sad that we know, but we are stronger for it, even if it doesn't always feel that way. xx

barking I completely agree with the others that you're an amazingly strong woman. I also agree that a break might be good for you so you can get back to enjoying the things you love and then this might help you to decide whether you want to try again. I've been thinking about you and your DH I wish there was something we could do or say to help but I know no one can help at the moment.
Please rant away all you like, it's what we're here for. xxx

monten reading your post makes me upset and so angry that complete strangers who have absolutely no clue could upset a woman that has had to go through this.
I know it's easier said than done but please don't let them upset you, they don't have enough brain cells to think through Anything that isn't simplistic, never mind something as difficult and sensitive as your situation. They can only see in black and white, not grey. Xxx

I've just booked myself into coventry this morning. I'm off there on Monday!

Fwiw, I know how lucky I was to avoid this very difficult kind of situation. My Turners syndrome baby died as was a mmc, but the situation you describe could so easily have been me. I feel acutely aware of it.

Sorry, I totally missed your post monten add the page flipped over. What powerful and wise words and how incredibly difficult that must have been. Massive hugs for you. I think you should post it on that discussion board. They should learn the other side so they have more empathy

I totally understand Barking and my heart goes out to you. People don't see just how much it takes over everything. You feel you can't drink, you can't do vigorous exercise, you can't book girls weekends away for fear it will clash with ovulation and there is always the feeling of loss when yet another friend announces their 'good news'.

It sounds to me as though a good break is what you need right now and if in time you feel like you want to try again then at 36 you still have plenty of time to do that. Could you and DH book a holiday away somewhere new and exciting while you reflect? Something really invigorating with lots of those outdoor pursuits you love perhaps?

I hate to say this, especially as I recognise it can be very difficult, but have you ever looked at adoption? A good friend of mine adopted a beautiful boy after failed IVF and they have a very real and very happy family life together. He is so funny and bonkers and we all love the bones of him!!!!

Whatever you decide to do Barking and whatever path you take please know that we will all be here to support you 100%. You are not alone on this journey and there are lots of great things to come in your life, I feel sure of it.

Monten what youve written is so powerful and brilliantly put, just had a little cry. It would stop those jumped up idioits in their tracks if you did post it! So easy to be idealistic when you havent walked in those shoes isn't it? Hugs to you.

Monten part of me thinks you should post it. Your opinion is just as valid, if not more valid because you've been there.

My only advice would be if you post it on that thread then be prepared for someone to say something that might upset you, and do you want to be upset any further?

But if it means that much to you then don't feel you can't post it on there. And for what it's worth, I agree with you 110% xx

Barking and Sebs I totally agree with both of you. I feel like my life is on hold too. Hence why I am applying for this job. We've only been going through this pain for a year - but all I have to show for that year is 3 lost babies.

I cannot be sat here in a years time, potentially going through another 3 mc's and have nothing to show for it. I feel like I have to live my life and getting pregnant and more importantly staying pregnant can't be my focus.

I am back on the booze - apart from 2ww - because actually I cut out booze entirely and it still didn't work and all I did was make myself miserable.

I dread to think how much we've spent too

Barking I don't think I can add to what others have said only you are an incredibly intelligent, strong person. It does sound as though you need to get some equilibrium back for yourself. My heart really goes out for you, the sacrifices you've made and strength you've shown. I second wishing I could fast forward time for you.

Monten your post is heartfelt and very well composed. I can understand your fear of posting it though, it doesn't sound like people have been very understanding on that thread and even though everything you say makes sense and makes it absolutely clear why they really don't know 100% what they'd do you still might receive a further response that upsets you more. Personally I think you did the right thing posting it here rather than there.

Counting also love idea of chickens too. I have heard that it's good to get a cock for protection though which has put me off in the past.... That and the lack of a garden!

monten I think that is beautifully written and articulated. What matters most is that YOU understand it. I think (as sad as it makes me) that it is impossible for everyone to understand. Those people who have not been through something similar but who are open and curious and empathic are very rare and very precious (in my experience). I feel privileged that you could share those feelings here with us.

Monten, many hugs. That is beautifully written
I would post it

barking I completely understand where you are coming from. All the time, effort, cost that we invest, and all the heartache and disappointment we get back. There is a breaking point.

I also think that I have reached that point where I really need to ask myself for how much longer I can continue this. To be more precise - I had a major meltdown on Sunday (poor DH didn't know what hit him).
Turns out I have completely utterly misjudged my cycle this time - expected to ovulate on CD10 or 11, as I have done recently, so started dtd daily last Thursday, trying to be super-efficient. Well, I got it all wrong. Positive OPK only appeared on Sunday (CD14) together with all the tell-tale signs of -can you guess- another uti. So not only am I out for this cycle, it's also entirely my own fault

Cue complete melt down from me It just really hit me... over 2.5 years of ttc, and nothing to show for it but 4 mcs, all with the ripe old age of 43. I nearly threw the towel there and then.
After a bit of soul-searching, I have come to the decision that I will keep trying until August this year - this will make it 3 years of ttc, and if I am not pg by then, I will sit down DH to have a big talk about if we are going to continue or call it a day.

I feel I need some fixed point to work towards, this is really affecting me and everyone around me, and not it a good way. I can never really unreservedly enjoy myself anymore, I always come back to thinking about ttc, the mcs and all the what ifs.
Right now, I want nothing more than be happy, forget about it all and lead a 'normal' life, without the whole ttc thing constantly hanging over me. I know I can't do that straight away, but I think I can start working towards this, trying to start accepting that I will never have that elusive 2nd child that I so wanted.

I think I will also decrease the supplements (apart from folic acid) - I have been wondering if they have contributed to my ovulation coming forward... Been taking them less religiously in the last few weeks, and my ovulation has moved back to CD14 again. No idea if they are connected, who knows! Yes, I want to improve the quality of my eggs, but right now, I am struggling to even fall pg, so no idea what the hell is going on there. Plus, they cost a fortune.

Seeing the consultant on Thursday about my MRI, which might give us more clues - although I suspect that it won't.

Sorry for the rant - but I've read some of the comments, and they really resonated with me.

Barking, rant away as much as you want. You have every reason to. My sister who has gone through three failed IVF attempts decided a year old that enough was enough and spent the last year reclaiming her life and looks pretty good for it. She's now decided that she's got the energy to have another try, so even if you do decide to stop, you can always change your mind in the futur

Monten, beautifully written words. I do fear that the horrible ladies on the other thread still won't concede you have a point but if you want to then post it. If you do, let us know on here and I'll post something in positive in response.

I am feeling low today after the high's of ttc last week and possibly as well a sugar crash after eating chocolate pretty much every day last week!

Oh cloud, why does this have to be so hard . So difficult to know how long to keep trying. Like all of you, I sort of feel like I can get through all this shitness if I know that in the end I'll get the baby (and that's the only thing keeping me going), but if I don't get that in the end then what's it all for? Makes me angry sad desolate etc.
Hope you'll get some answers at the appointment on Thurs. I can't remember if you've done Coventry or not? Is that an option for you if you haven't?
Maybe some of that earlier dtd has worked. Better to have it there waiting. Keeping fingers crossed for you

Thank you so much ladies, you're keeping me going through a difficult first day back at work .

monten that was beautifully written, and if it was me I would post it. If you choose to, please link to the thread here and we can help ward off the stupid people by posting in support .

Monten that was beautiful, as so many others have said. In fact I think the right answer in that awful, sad situation is pretty clear, though doesn't make it any less painful or devastating to live through. Having said that, I wouldn't judge anyone for making the decision to terminate in less black-and-white cases either or, to be honest, any circumstances at all. I am firmly pro-choice, it just is so unfair that when we do choose to be parents it doesn't always happen.

Barking - Your post is so moving too. I agree that a break and doing something just for you is what you need. You don't have to make any firm decisions about the future right now but you are right, life is on hold and it's traumatic.

Cloud and sebs- you too. In fact I am in awe of everyone on this thread today. The empathy, wisdom and generous-heartedness shines through in every post. Respect to you all!

monten I agree your post is brave and beautifully written. How can anyone understand what it's like to be in that situation without actually being in it. I would be so tempted to post it too. Though some people clearly have less empathy when their lives are happening just as planned so would imagine there maybe be other hurtful responses, sadly.

barking you have been so strong for the last few years. How you've done it is beyond me! I can't even motivate myself to do some exercise - never mind be motivated enough to change my whole life! You must be such a determined person and I'm so sorry it didn't work out this time. I think having a break and doing everything you enjoy (and have been missing) is exactly what you need by the sounds of it.

I completely agree with you all cloud, seb, barking about putting things of for an unknown future. We've been doing exactly the same here. My brother moved to the US two years ago and every summer we've had the 'we'll leave it till next year because I might be too pg/have too little a baby to fly in the summer' conversation. And another year has gone by this year.
My head is constantly thinking about mcs, edd, ttc etc etc. And then ds spent this morning talking to and playing with his imaginary brother- first time he's ever done it and we've certainly never discussed anything with him. So then I'm back stressing about him never having a sibling. (And I really know how very lucky I am to have him and want with all my heart to stop worrying about having dc2).
But then I'm thinking we'll keep trying till this time next year. By then I'd be 42 when I gave birth and I think that's the cut off for me (I said 40 was the cut off two years ago ) So in an vague effort to move on just a little I've started putting Ds's old clothes into charity bags. We need the space and what's the point of saving it for something that might never be!

Sorry to those of you feeling low at the moment about putting your lives on hold. I don't think people in RL realise just how much it all impacts on all other aspects of our lives.

It's due date for mc1 for me this week, I never got an official date but I worked out 4th-8th April. I think I'll be glad when it's passed. X

Seeing you all talk about the decision to stop trying is heartbreaking

I have no dcs and it really worries me about what happens when enough is enough.

We've only been trying for a year and had 3 in that time. How many mc's is too many?

1 is too many really but we all keep on going. I'll be 40 next year and DP will be 47 next year - I know it shouldn't, but the age thing really bothers me.

Cheesy I've had 2 due dates pass already this year and actually the fear and anticipation were actually far worse.

I just felt sadness and reflection, but it's so very hard

Thinking of you xx

brummie the age thing really bothers me too. Not for anyone else, just me. I see all ages of new mums at work, teens to early 40s and all are pretty much evenly spread. Advantages and disadvantages for all ages. But i can't help thinking for me that if I'm 42 then I'll be 50 when they're 8, 60 when they're 18 etc. Even writing it makes me feel sad.

cheesy my Edd for mc2 is in a couple of weeks. Trying not to think about it. Hope it passes quickly for you

Hope you both find something nice to do on your due dates cheesy and minnie. My next one is not til the end of May so have a tiny hope that I might get bfp before then. It's really hard to think about but as others have said, the thought of it is worse than the actual date. Hugs to you both x

Brummie the age thing is just a stick we all hit ourselves with. I'm obsessed with the sleb section of the DM online. I need to know how old everyone is, whether they have one child or multiple.

Older Mums make me both happy and sad in celeb world. Happy because it makes me feel I could be successfully pregnant, sad because they are and I'm not, irritated because I don't know if it's natural or not. I have a very unhealthy interest in other people's ovaries right now.

I met a woman recently in Tesco who had two young children and was pregnant with her third. She looked no younger than me. I was desperate to ask her age lol (I didn't). She may have been early thirties and just looked older, it really pissed me off though that she was just popping them out and I couldn't. Poor woman, she probably thought I was quite normal whereas I'm actually and simmering well of bitterness and resentment

Sebs my life is full of bitterness and resentment!!!

Well I've done it. I've applied for the job! Thrown my hat in the ring and said consider me!

And it meant for an hour or so whilst I tweaked my cv and wrote my covering letter I was doing something with my life that wasn't focused on getting pregnant / being pregnant or losing babies.

And it felt really liberating and exciting!!!

And if the worst happens, I get the job and up pregnant.

If I don't get it, I'm no worse off as I'm still in a job that I enjoy (ish) and that will look after me