Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 20 - tests, treatment, trying again.

[barkingtreefrog]

Buckle up, the threads move like lightening! Tea, sympathy, information, support and combined wisdom to guide you through the maze of testing and treatment for recurrent miscarriage. Newbies always most welcome.

Please start with the traditional recap of your stats.

Yeah I've had a few glasses too. Mine was a little heavier, is just spotting now. I was always a week or so behind you Brummie, seems we've almost synced... cue Twilight Zone music.

Pre mc cycles were 26 days. So guess this was 2 days early for me. Found Coventry appointment good me2, but think they were rushed as were doing it in different location and day to normal. Have had dull ache since and found gas and air is not a painkiller rather it's a slight distraction. Nearly clamped the nurses head between my knees I think!

Looking forward to TTC in just over a week, but also petrified.

Off for some final drinks with DP now the moving house is done then our bodies shall become temples

Big hugs to you all. Wish we were all not here, if you know what what I mean.

I was told to take for 7 days from day 20 based on a cycle varying from 25 to 27 days. I had a lighter and later than usual AF after Coventry appointment. Think next month I'll start from CD 21... Maybe...

Jady my extra long random WTF. 37 day cycle completely messed up my dates so gone back to normal but a bit longer (27 rather than 24) so basically same as you now!

I'm dying to TTC next cycle but due to hystereoscopy that ain't happening yet.

So one more cycle for us, then we'll be back in the TTC saddle!!!

Just another quick post to say thinking of you barking and so sorry your dh is upset too. Hope you have a nice bottle of wine in to drink. My husband was just looking over my shoulder and said he knows just how your dh feels and he wanted to say he is sorry. 3.5 years is a long time and you must do what feels right but remember it's taken us six and I almost gave up many times during those years. I do hope you can keep fighting and I believe your time will come. We are all here for you whatever you decide. Big hugs xxxxx

Does anyone know how long your meant to not bleed after mc for the next bleed to be af? MC bleeding stopped two weeks ago then spotting started very lightly last Monday then what I think is af started yesterday properly. So that's two weeks if you don't count the spotting (should I count it?) and is 33 days since mc day. Want to know whether to count this as cycle one as thinking about going to Coventry. Would that be after next af? Or after another 2?

Oh barking I'm so sorry for you and your DH. What a heartache. Sendings hugs to both of you xxx

I'm so sorry Barking. Huge hugs to you. Xx

minnie, After all my mc I had spotting in the few days leading up to the first af, so I would say that's what this probably is and you should ignore it for the purpose of counting days. Take first day of waking up with red bleeding as cd1. Count this one as af1 and you need one more af. Then the cycle after af2 you do opk and call Coventry when you ov. They will give you an appt for a week later. So if yesterday is your first day of af1 and you have a 28 day cycle then you would expect to be at Coventry in about 7 weeks. Hope that makes sense!

barking, I'm so so sorry to hear your news. Sending lots of love to you both. It's horrible and there's no way to pretend otherwise. You are strong though. And you will come through this. Xxxx

We're on holiday somewhere rural borrowing a friend's house this week. DH is trying to get me trained up for a bike race later this year which I will now be doing since I'm no longer going to be having a baby. It's nice to be away from it all. Restorative all this fresh air. (Meanwhile DS is in the care of my parents, they have done 4 egg hunts in 4 days!)

DH has been fending off my demands for a pet for ages and I have now simply given him the choice of dog, cat or chickens. He's opted for chickens (at least there will be some vague benefit he said). So we are going to visit a breeder tomorrow. (Who said I can't do retail therapy on a rural holiday?). I've even found a breed that look cute and follow you around like puppies.

So there it is: bikes and chickens. Consolation prizes all. I will not go down without a fight though. This year will be FUN and my home will be filled with LIFE and HAPPINESS. Is that convincing?

counting I like your style. Enjoy chicken shopping. Get a fox proof coop.

Barking more hugs. Hope you are having some wine and shouting and swearing as much as you need to.

barking absolutely gutted for you. X

Thanks march that makes sense. That's one step closer!

counting glad your holiday is helping a little with taking your mind off things. And well done on escaping the egg hunt- we've done at least 20! Enjoy the chicken shopping!

barking still thinking of you and your Dh. Really wish I could make it better for you. Xx

Counting, sounds like you're having a lovely time. Always wanted chickens but as we live next to a forest and regularly have foxes in the garden, we've settled for a cat x

counting bikes and chickens sound good to me .

Thank you to all of you for your support, it means a lot .

Monten you are right, we do have options, and it's not over until we decide it is, we just need to make a decision on whether we can afford to keep throwing money at it when we don't have much since I quit teaching in a last ttc resort to reduce stress around the fertility treatment. It would come down to moving house, travelling, or trying ivf again.

cat although I am absolutely desperate to be pregnant and give birth to a child that's part of me and DH I just can't see me being able to do this for years to come. It's not much of an exaggeration to say that I've given up everything for ttc. Not only have I been off alcohol and done countless hen dos, birthdays and weddings sober, and tried wheat free, low sugar diets etc etc, my entire life was climbing, running and biking. My entire social life revolved around doing those things. I haven't been able to maintain any of them over the last three years of treatments, brief pregnancies, and miscarriages. I can't maintain my fitness so I can't go out with the same groups, and I can't commit to any races or train for them. What little social life I had left through meeting friends in the pub has dwindled because all the usual crowd have babies now, some on their second, while I have no idea whether I'll ever have one. .
I don't want to continue to live half a life, at some point I need to be able to enjoy life in the present instead of hopelessly looking to the future and desperately hoping that all the miserable years will be worth it. That probably sounds really self absorbed, and if I was the kind of person who could be happy walking the dog and pursuing more ttc friendly hobbies I would find this a lot easier, but my happy times are active times, I'm happiest in a fell race, or boasting myself up a big hill on the bike, or climbing a sea cliff somewhere. I haven't been able to plan, do and train for any of this properly for three years now, yet I watch friends who have had babies and already got back to doing this, while I still feel trapped but have nothing to show for my sacrifice.

Sorry, I'm being overly dramatic and feeling very sorry for myself, but I'm just so . I have done everything right over the last 3+ years, and all I have to show for it is 3 years of pain. I could have continued to drink and train and have fun for 3 years and I would still be in exactly the same position, only without 3 years of ttc, 6 rounds of clomid, 3 failed rounds of fertility treatment and two miscarriages behind me .

Needed to get that off my chest......

That was supposed to be beasting myself up a hill, not boasting.... Not sure how that would work?!

Barking it's funny you say that because I've been thinking the same thing re. everything I've stopped and vigorous exercise being one of the things that was paramount for my good mental health. Cut that out about 8 months ago and have felt like shit ever since!!

I am so bored of spending so much money on TTC and I'm really bored of the subject itself actually. Only reason I'm even posting is because I want to exhaust the Coventry/RMC thing. If nothing comes of that then I think I'm done. It's a strange thing but something has just clicked and if I disappear one day you'll know I had enough.

Lots of love to you. I think you should get back to your passions again xx

Barking, I think that you should give yourself a break and do something just for you, like some training. Putting your life on hold sounds like its making you extra miserable on top of everything else. I wish I could forward the clock for you and help you out of this very dark place (totally understandable). Be kind to yourself. Lots of love and hugs to you and your dh. xx (I hope this doesn't come across as clunky and glib, I can't seem to put it more eloquently, but I hope you know what I mean.)

Gosh barking you don't dound self absorbed in the slightest. You sound like the sort of person I'd like to hang out with, although I am rather afraid of heights so the thought of climbing a sea cliff makes me want to cry. But anyway, I digress. Of course you feel angry and here is the place to let it out. You have given up so much over the last three years but it hasn't been for nothing. You know you couldn't have done more. You know you're stronger than you ever thought possible. You know that you can make big changes if the sacrifice is worth it. And go to horrific things like hen dos sober! I'm in awe of your willpower. What a powerful thing to know about yourself.

Only you and dp can know where you want to go from here. But if you want to start training again or drinking again, then do it.

What you said about feeling trapped and being stuck in the present looking hopelessly to the future struck such a chord with me. I think everyone on here feels that way.

Oh and sebs you're bang on about the whole thing being tedious. I'm at in laws and enjoying an early morning cup of tea without them sitting on some stone steps in the garden, and just thought 'Oooh, maybe I'm implanting, better stand up so as not to let my bum get too cold' FFS....

Hi barking, I read and re-read your post. The sacrifice is enormous. There is life after this. All those sea cliffs will be there when you go back.

It is undescribably painful when people appear to breeze through it. Having their cake and eating their fell races. It forces your attention onto your losses and grief and bitter disappointment.

You will rise again, and be splendid dammit.

sebs if you slip away, I'll know you are in a better place.

He he Counting that sounded like I was about to drop dead on you all . Perhaps the boredom will get to the point where I just keel over one day. I bloody hope there is a shit load of Tequila and chocolate cake over the other side and no one gets fat. I'll be blissed out for eternity!

sebs don't go towards the light!

monten don't less that ass get to cool for implantation!

PS thanks longest and everyone for your encouragement. Xx

counting I am WELL JEL of chickens. My mum and dad have them, they are marvellously entertaining and they give you eggs. They will be perfect.

barking you are extraordinary, that's what I think. What you have described is someone with amazing strength. I have been doing what you have described for just a year and I have struggled with that! Whatever you decide to do, the strength you have won't change. It doesn't take away any of the pain, I know. And I can't imagine how you are feeling. Do whatever you need. And until you know what that is, give yourself as many nice things as you can. And we are all here. xxx

I really can't get that thread out of my head. I don't know why I've let it upset me so much. You know someone else flounced? She said she knew what she would do '100%' and I said I hoped she never had her convictions tested and she took issue with the word 'conviction' and flounced off.

The thread is dead but I can't get it out of my head. I keep composing a response in my head and it was keeping me awake last night. Do you mind if I post it here? And then maybe I won't post it on the other thread.

Apologies if this upsets anyone, perhaps don't read if you're having a bad morning.

Don't tell me you 'already know' what you would do in that situation. You don't know what you would do anymore than you know what you would do if you had a gun to your head.

But, as an exercise, let's imagine:

A baby diagnosed with edwards syndrome, a fatal condition. At 12 weeks already very sick, with every valve in his heart leaking and no stomach apparent on the scan.

Here is the choice.

Carry on with the pregnancy. Knowing he would die and could die at any time. Wondering if this was the day. Every day. Wondering if this was the day you were going to miscarry a 16/20/28 week baby at work. Or have a huge bleed in sainsburys. Going for scans every week to see if he had died yet, bcos if he had they would have had to then induce labour or risk infection setting in. Starting to grow a bump and then having to tell people at work or friends that yes you are pregnant but no you won't be having a baby. And as the bump gets bigger, have strangers start smiling, touching it, asking when you're due. Do you tell them? Or do you smile and nod? What happens when you go on mat leave from work? Do people get you a gift? Pram? Won't be needing that. And then in the hugely unlikely event of him being born alive, you would have watched him die, in pain, from a heart attack or multiple organ failure. Or, slimmest of possibilities, if none of that got him then he would have died of starvation, on account of having no stomach or digestive system.

Or, you could choose to end the pregnancy then. Before he was able to feel any pain. And take control in a situation where everything else was out of your control.

There. Don't presume you would know what you would do in that situation. You have no idea.

Gosh it's taking all my willpower not to post that. Sorry ladies, I hope I haven't upset anyone. Im just still so

Barking** - yep yep and yep. And if you want to run through that list another 25 times we'll still be standing by. Me n dh have been wanting to move near the sea and i've been wanting to change careers, but our life is similarly on hold. I havn't wanted to quit work due to wanting maternity leave. Living on the never never. It's like our life is in slow motion, waiting, whilst everyone else moves around us. Don't get me wrong - i am not comparing my situation to yours, i am sooo fortunate in ds, but i can empathise Xxxx