Headwreck & Hope. Support for those who are/might be experiencing MMC/MC/early pregnancy loss.

[mrsb0710]

Original threadtotal headwreck, empty sac 11 days ago, embryo 6wk there today

Support for those who are/might be experiencing MMC/MC/early pregnancy loss.

Finding this all such a struggle today. Woke up, cried, had some tea and toast, cried, watched tv and got some lovely txts from friends, cried, went back to sleep, woke up, cried. Feels like groundhog day. I hate waking up, then it all just hits you over again and you wish it had been a bad dream.

Sorry this is quite depressing, I don't want a response I just needed to write down how I'm feeling.

Keep posting away mama I am now a month on, and although feel a lot better about the whole thing, I still think about what might have been.

I'm a bit obsessed with dates etc too. The day of the month we found out I was pregnant, the day I started bleeding, the day of the bad news scan, the day of the ERPC. Dreading them all !

I also keep getting flash backs (if you can call them that). I'll suddenly remember a hideous moment from when I was in A&E thinking I'd passed the baby or I'll remember seeing the little one on the screen not moving or the phone call after the scan to my mum crying down the phone to her. Then DP coming in from his flight and us sobbing together. It's all just bloody horrible isn't it !! Quite honestly the most emotional thing I've ever experienced !!

How are you Beauty and Fifi Really hope it went well for you both today.

5hell I had a complete natural miscarriage. Bled for about a week but not loads and had a cherry sized clot on the 3rd day. When I had a scan on the 4th day there was nothing left and I just bled slightly the rest of the week. This was 1.5 weeks ago and I only had the faintest of faint lines on my pg test that I did this morning so hopefully it is nearly over. I have think I have been really lucky (if you can say that wrt mc) physically as lots seem to have had worse experiences. Hope you are ok.

Halestone what a horrible situation to witness, especially at this time. How are you feeling now?

Hugs mamama it will get easier.

Adventure I'm getting flashbacks too. Mostly of the clot that was our little baby and our exciting future. God it's crap here. Not you lot who are amazing and inspiring but the situation.

Thank you halestone and Lilliana. I ended up not needing my ERPC as it had all passed yesterday. I'm shattered now, looking forward to a big sleep tonight.

It is so crap! Thank you all for your support and kind words. I'm walking around in a daze.

Dreading the scan on Monday, but I know I need the confirmation before the d&c can be booked. Hoping I get some strength from somewhere, it's going to be horrid beyond any thinking :(

Mama and everyone else, i say don't worry about having strength at the moment allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel at this time. You are not wallowing in it you are grieving amd its far healthier to allow yourself to grieve than to suppress your grief.

In hosp op was really fine but have had complications and have to stay in, hubby did get to be with me apart from the actual op. Bn fine until now but hubby away for food and my mate just announced the birth of her beautiful baby. I will now have a constant reminder that I lost my baby on the day she got hers....it's selfish yes but am being honest!

Thanks halestone I know you are right, I've been telling DH the same thing not to bottle up emotions. Just wish the crying would stop soon, my face is like a beetroot!

Beauty that is so difficult. I'm feeling something similar, my son's dad is due a little baby girl any day and my son doesn't know about the pregnancy/miscarriage (he thinks I am off work with a virus). It's going to be hard because he will be showing me pics of his new baby sister very soon and I know im going to struggle so much. The timing of these things is just unreasonable and unbearable! Life can be so so cruel and such a bitch sometimes!!! Can't it?!

mama i was like that at first. i remember one day feeling like i was never going to stop crying. it does get better bit by bit. if you are really struggling could be worth speaking to your gp.

i got flashbacks really bad in the beginning was awful. started counselling and they said would have to monitor it as can be ptsd. luckily that has got better with time too. i hope you start feeling better soon.

beautiful sorry about your complications, hope theyre nothing serious and you are feeling at least physically better soon

Thanks ginger. I do feel slightly stronger each day so I am taking hope from that. There are now breaks in between tearful outbursts where the first day it was continuous tears, have never cried so much in my life. I literally fell asleep that night still crying.

I am also taking comfort that some positive thoughts are beginning to creep back in and I am making plans in my head to do certain things over the next few months. Where initially I felt I'd never stop crying and never leave my bedroom ever again. I am trying to acknowledge the differences each day brings despite still feeling in a world of pain, it helps me to see that gradually I am healing, slowly, but it's still happening.

I am so grateful to be able to share my feelings on here as it's so hard to express to anyone how I actually feel, the words just don't come out.

Big hugs to you all, such strong ladies, amazing really x

well sounds promising mamma. my counsellor told me it is a grieving process and i completely agree. if you have lost someone before i would expect to go through the same motions.

it sounds like each day is getting slightly better and its promising you are making plans. keep posting here weve all been there or are in the midst of it so can really sympathise with all the different emotions

Thank you Ginger, you are very supportive, I really appreciate that.

Today is the first morning I've woke up and have not instantly cried. I am worried about denial though that seems to creep in every so often over the past few days. I know this baby is gone, but I have some moments of denial where I think perhaps that last scan was wrong, perhaps my bladder was too full and they couldn't get the full picture, perhaps with my tilted uterus they couldn't see the full fetal pole, perhaps the fetal pole was hiding behind the yolk sac. I know in my heart these are all irrational thoughts and that I'm trying desperately to hold on to some hope but that there is no hope but I can't help but have these fleeting thoughts at times.

I know really that the baby has gone, my symptoms are decreasing only have very slight tender boobs, and a little tired and food aversions but nothing like before. I need to accept this fully and I know the scan on Mon will help me to do that but will also bring so much pain for us also.

Sorry I just find venting my thoughts on here so helpful, I need to get them out. I guess I'm just going through the motions and wish it was all a bad dream and ill soon wake up.

Beauty, i hope your feeling better and they let you home today.

Mama i think its normal to feel that bit of hope, all the way through to my ERPC i kept thinking theres been a horrible mistake and they will tell me that soon. Even when i started to bleed i kept thinking nope this isn't happening to me.

I feel physically stronger today and have just booked cinema tickets for me and Dp tonight as a thank you for being so supportive this week.

Thanks halestone, it's good to know that these feelings of hope (albeit false hope) are normal. That's great that you have booked tickets for you and dp and that your feeling stronger. Glad he's been supportive also. I'm lucky to also have a very supportive DH, we have been so close through all of this and are 100% there for eachother.

I haven't left my bedroom much in the last few days but today I'm going for a short walk with a friend; I don't want to go but I'm making myself go, I know it will help me.

Letting me home today, blood still low but I can lie at home or in hospital.... Feel emotionally ok, am in the ward right below delivery suite and heard a baby born last night. The woman was really going for it and then you heard the baby, I thought to myself " go you lady! You pushed that baby out" I realised then that I will be ok

Beauty I'm glad your doing ok, rest up and take good care of yourself.

I chickened out of the walk with my friend, just can't face anyone. But I have made some progress and done stuff around the house and Garden. I'm sitting out in the sun now getting some much needed vit d to try and cheer me up. I've also ordered a sun lounger (optimistic about the weather...) as I'll be off work for a few weeks and thought sitting outside will be better for me than being couped up in my bedroom if the weather is nice. Each day is getting better though. There's hope.

Ladies how long did it take for your pregnancy symptoms to go?? Did you feel them less when you knew you would have a mc? It's hard having some symptoms even though they are less.

I can't remember exactly when, but during the week of the miscarriage, I knew I didn't feel pregnant any more. So mine was within a week. How are you holding up today mama?

Thanks Atat. I do feel a loss of symptoms but still have some. I was doing good earlier but broke down again about an hour ago out of nowhere. Strange how it can just hit you without warning. But feeling a bit better now that I've had a little cry. I'm also desperate for it all to be over, hoping the d&c can be scheduled for weds next week after the scan on Mon. I need closure now. How are you?

Mama, I don't know if I mentioned this before but I had a similar need for closure and in the days before my second scan just felt it stretching on and on. On the advice of someone on this board I called up the gynae ward and asked them to put me on the list for surgery the day of my scan, which was also a Monday. The nurses were so lovely and put me on the afternoon list for after my scan, and advised me to get in an hour early and they would try to squeeze me in early for the scan to get down to surgery in time. Basically they understood and did all they could to make sure I was accommodated. Could you try ringing and asking something similar?

Sorry you're still feeling so sad it gets easier.

my pregnancy symptoms didnt properly go until after i had the erpc well my boobs didnt return to normal. sickness and everything died down in the week between scans.

ive just done something awful and feel bad was gona start a new thread but know ill get a roasting.

just picked dp up from his friends where hes been drinking all day. walking from car to our house down a residential street and he just grabs the top of my dress and bra and pulls them down exposing my boob. i lashed out and punched him then kneed him.

this is not normal behaviour for me and im gutted. i hate violence in any form but i just felt so violated. he thought he was being funny but i am disgusted at him and at myself. feel so ashamed

Urgh, ginger that's not even slightly ok, what a dick. My dh has been kind of insensitive and unpleasant too, perhaps his way of dealing with it?

Sorry, I didn't mean he's a dick, I just mean that's a horrible thing to do. I'd have probably done the same.

Thanks Suz, I'm hoping to get d&c on the weds when my DH is off work all day and night. Once it's confirmed Mon then I think I'll find more acceptance and a day in between for the d&c will probably help me process it all properly. I'd like to think it would all be over by weds at the latest. I'm so scared though.

Ginger that was so insensitive of your DH and I don't condone violence either but you are going through a shitty time so his silly behaviour is not helping and has obvs resulted in you lashing out. Wait until he is sober and apologise for your response but explain that you are sensitive at the minute and jokes like that are not appropriate. Don't be too hard on yourself lovely, we all do irrational things when we are not feeling ourselves and he was being a prick! X