total headwreck, empty sac 11 days ago, embryo 6wk there today...

[SuperGlue]

It was very hard to put this into a title but basically I had a dating scan 11 days ago when i reckoned i ought to have been 9 weeks pg. In the scan there was an empty embryonic sac measuring 7 wks but no yolk or fetal pole. The sonographer said it was most likely a miscarriage but that I would need to come back in 10 days to see if there was any growth during that time as a protocol.

I have spent the past 11 days in total turmoil and limbo. Waiting any moment to miscarry etc.

Went back today for the second scan expecting to be taken in this week for a d&c only to find that the sac had grown in the 10 days and there was now a yolk, fetal pole and an embryo measuring just 6 weeks. No heartbeat but she said heartbeat would kick in, if it was going to, over the next 7 days. SO basically she could not confirm that it was a miscarriage at this stage but that we would need to go back this day next week to see if there is a heartbeat. If not it will be confirmed then.

She was fairly certain that there was a problem with the development of this pregnancy and that the most likely scenario would be that it would develop this far and trail off and we would not find a heartbeat on Monday.

I just can't get my head around it all. Even if my dates were out a bit, I didn't think it was possible to be out that much.

Has anyone else ever gone through this?

I feel like my head is about to explode trying to take it all in / work it all out and another 7 days waiting stretches out in front of me..........

Oh fromwest no no no - not at all. Not in the slightest.

I guess my issue is that I didn't want to bury it or flush it or do anything...but I knew I had to do something

Ok, glad I didn't put my foot in it after all!
Hope you are ok today.

Sorry things didn't work out for you Gin.

Superglue, my Mum has been pretty much the same. Going on and on and on about my nephew and how perfect and tiny he is. I know he is and I'm glad he's here and healthy but hearing about every little detail is really starting to grate on me.

I'm so sorry Gin. How are you feeling today? When is your scan? Sending you lots of hugs (I know its 'un-mums netty' but you need them!)

Super - I don't even know what to say. It must be so difficult, and then add that on top. I wouldn't be able to keep so level headed.

Had a low day today. Interviewed for a job, but didn't make it through :(
I have a temp job starting end of month, but really wanted permanent, considering we're TTC and finances are super low.
Just felt as if I've put so much strain on DH. Bless him though, he's just happy I feel up to getting back to work.

I know fromwest, we are all trying to make the best of this really shitty hand we have been dealt, justifying it a teeny bit to make it more palatable with things like 'I am glad it happened at home' and then thinking 'hope that doesn't upset anyone that didn't get to have it happen at home' aaarrrgggh it is a minefield. But I guess we all know on this thread, if nowhere else, that we are here for each other and no one would intentionally upset anyone else. Well, that's what I hope for everytime I post something and most likely stick my feet well and truly in it! Or worse, hog the thread with all 'me, me, me' stuff.

It is such a great thing to be able to vent on here as there are so few places really, especially if family don't exactly step up to the plate.

chubby you have my full sympathy. It is bloody hard going, especially as it IS still so recent for us and in your case it is a final full stop on that chapter so doubly hard. How are you handling it? Must be a nightmare.

I am still in the thick of it and had a good cry the night before last as the comment my mother made about how exciting to have a 'busy summer to loom forward to' with sisters baby due just stuck in my heart. I woke several times that night too with the words just whirling about in my head. I think it was the total obliviousness that it was meant to be MY busy summer looking forward to a new arrival and now it isn't. But that 'gap' has been filled already. It all felt very disrespectful to our baby. I don't know if I am making any sense now. Dh was great and we had a good chat and I had a big cry (first one in a couple of weeks, though I have been close following pg updates from my mother) and he came home last night with a bottle of wine and a lovely bunch of white tulips. I still feel like shit though. I feel I am struggling to learn to deal with it all and everytime I get to a better place mentally with it, I will get a text with 'happy updates' and it stirs it all up inside me again. And then I feel v selfish about feeling this way.

chubby keep posting here - I will be thinking of you and may need your words of wisdom on how to handle things.

gin hope you are bearing up ok? Am thinking of you.

ginger hope you are busy

mrs you have had a very tough time, sorry to hear about the job. Maybe temping wouldn't be a bad thing - money in every month and no responsibility (or at least less than if it was your permanent role?)

super I'm so sorry your mum is doing this. I've just read back through your previous couple of posts; I hadn't picked up on it before as my brain wasn't functioning properly. To be honest if I were you I'd probably have let her have both barrels by now. She's being fucking unfair to you.

mrsb thank you for the hugs. They are much appreciated. I feel like things like hugs and kisses at the end of posts are kind of permitted on this part of MN How are you feeling? I'm so sorry to hear about the interview. Something else will come up soon.

Can I ask if anyone 'knew' something was wrong with their pregnancy? I think I did. I didn't enjoy it and never settled into it like I did with DS. I was constantly worried and unsettled. I didn't want to tell anyone, and I never let myself think forward to later in the pregnancy. I'm wondering if this was my body's way of telling me that something was up.

Also with regards to upsetting people, I feel like this is a very non-judgemental part of the site. I think everyone knows that everyone's experience, feelings and actions are slightly different and that is ok. I'm glad we can all talk about these things without it being seen as offensive to anyone else. It is very comforting.

Thanks gin. It's interesting that you ask if any of us 'knew' there was something up in this pg. I can't say that I did know but it was certainly a VERY different experience to when I was pg with dd. I was putting it down to there being such a gap between them, my age, the disruption to the sort of happy balance of life we had finally achieved after all the years of trying, and I suppose a sort of feeling that it was unreal that it was actually happening after all that time. I was nervous about it from the get-go. I spent a large part of the weekend we found out about it crying and feeling very conflicted. We were away that weekend and I peed on the stick right before leaving and it was honestly the weirdest most emotional weekend ever.

I was reluctant to get carried away with excitement about it all. I didn't want to tell anyone and in fact didn't tell for at least 3 - 4 weeks.

The day we were going in for that first scan I was very very nervous but dh was super excited and kept saying stuff like 'imagine we'll see him/her this morning' and I snapped at him that he ought to be more sensitive as we didn't know if it was all ok or not. He was very taken aback with that.

I had NONE of that with dd. I can't remember having as much as a moments doubt that there was things were anything other than perfect. Even at one stage at a GP's visit where she tried to find the heartbeat, it was right around the time when it should become audible with the doppler and she struggled to locate it and she kept telling me not to worry, it was common not to hear it at this stage and it didn't mean anything. I remember thinking she was laying it on a bit heavy and not fully comprehending what she was trying to put me at ease about.

Funny how different the 2 experiences were really.....

super I could have written that post. I felt exactly the same. With DS I just knew everything would be ok. With our second baby there was something so different and unnerving.

Our bodies are amazing, clever and cruel all at the same time.

hey ladies. hope your are all doing ok.

in answer to your question, it was my first pregnancy so hard to tell. i remember when i told my mam and dad i really wanted to tell one of my dbs as am close to him but was in turmoil cos knew i would then have to tell my other dbs, i had a conversation with mam and dad and said i dont know about telling everyone incase something happens.

i never got massive pregnancy symptoms either. my back killed at night, my boobs changed and i had a bit of queasiness that was all. i remember people telling me id feel shattered, i did start going to bed earlier but was never shattered i kept wonderin when that would come.

on another note i am symptom spotting as we spk, 4 days past ovulation lol. not good!

ginger I have everything crossed for you xxx

haha i think its too soon super but thank you. i had a weird dream on saturday that i was pregnant so av almost convinced myself i am.

by way of symptoms i have had a low down ache for a few days feel slightly queasy first thing and have noticed funny sensations very mildly in my back. dp also said lasnite bloody hell veiny about boobs altho they looked normal to me. i think im jus trying to convince myself i have symptoms when theyre just every day things

Just with you all talking about 'knowing' something was wrong, I had the strangest experience with migraine auras during the last pregnancy. I started to get very irregular migraines after I had DD. The first time I got a visual disturbance I had no idea what it was and thought I was going blind. They developed into whopper migraine. During the last pregnancy I had 3 instances of visual disturbance without any subsequent migraine. To have 3 in the space of 10 weeks was A LOT! I might get them once a year. The last one I had came whilst sitting outside the scan centre before I got the bad news. Weird, huh?
Hope you are all ok.

Hi all. It's been a few weeks since I've been on here, but I've been following occasionally and still finding it helpful. I'm sorry to those of you who are still having a hard time. This is a horrible situation to be in and the one thing that makes it easier is knowing that we're not alone. I have to say one of the things that has shocked me is how insensitive people's family / friends / colleagues are being. I think I've been really lucky.
I had medical management on 9th Jan (3 weeks ago yesterday) and I'm still getting a bfp. I feel like it's all gone - I think I bled enough and stopped spotting after ten days, my physical symptoms have all gone away - boobs and tummy back to normal. I still feel very hormonal emotionally, quite up and down in my moods, but that's all. One of the tests I've done was one of the cheap ones that gave me such a faint line (twice) that I wasn't sure if I was seeing things. So hormone levels are obviously very low. But the digital one I did this morning definitely says 'pregnant'. I can't ring the hospital til Monday now so will just have to see what they say.
Has anyone else had this experience (after 3 weeks) and then not had to have an erpc?
I just want it all to be over. I'm ready to move on and desperately want to try again, but my body obviously doesn't want me to. I'm finding it difficult to dtd to be honest, as I don't feel that comfortable with my body at the moment. I was trying to explain to dh last night and what came out was that I somehow feel my body has let me down. It's four weeks now since that awful first scan and I feel like I've lost a month of my life.

Oh tomcat that is so cruel.

When I spoke to my EPU they said if a test isn't negative after two weeks then pop back. I think it may indicate that there is some tissue left?

I know what you mean about DTD. I honestly can't get my head around ever having sex again. I feel so sorry for poor DH. He has been my rock recently, and we haven't had sex since I found out I was pregnant mid December. Poor bloke. I am also angry with my body, and in a way I'm glad I'm in pain because I feel like I want to punish my stupid body.

Ginger my love I have everything crossed for you. Pregnancy dreams can be cruel can't they. I remember having them when we were TTC and then waking up realising I'm not pregnant. Are you on your first cycle after your mc?

You know what, try not to be angry with your body Gin. In the vast majority of cases a miscarriage happens because something somewhere went wrong with the foetus and it was actually your body working in rejecting it. I remember being on a pregnancy board during DD's pregnancy and a woman on it found out her baby had a trisomy disorder and would not survive more than a few hours outside of the womb. I think that bad and all as having a miscarriage in the first trimester is, that would be infinitely worse. She was determined to carry the child to term and stayed posting on the board. I don't know how she did that. Around her due date the movements stopped and she discovered that the baby had died. She still had to deliver her and posted up some beautiful but devastating photos of her cradling her baby afterwards. I was so upset at the time and even writing about it now makes me teary. I hope I have not upset anyone in posting this. I'm just trying to say that while having a miscarriage is devastating, for sure, there is sometimes meaning in it, and it might not be your body letting you down (it was in my case) but your body doing the right thing.

Scarlet you are so right. I really do agree, and I feel that my body in terms of science and survival of the fittest or whatever has done the right thing. I said to DH that we have had it so easy compared to some. I read some really traumatic things on this board and I'm glad (bad choice of word) that if this had to happene it happened when it did, before my baby formed properly.

However I'm still angry at it that it couldn't produce another healthy baby.

Oh tomcat that is so very hard. I don't have any experience of that so don't have any advice for you other than to look after yourself. Does your maternity hospital have an a&e room? It might be worth a phone call to them to check what you ought to do next. I think that's what I would do in your shoes. Please keep us posted, will be thinking of you x

I am spring cleaning today and dh is helping. It is very rare that he is here, not working on a saturday (self employed) and I did not feel like going out as we are trying to take it easy money wise as we have a weekend away coming up in Feb. And it is freezing here, have had sleet and hail stones just now. So it is nice to be in a warm house with no pressure to be anywhere or do anything. Its actually a luxury.

we had a good chat this morning about trying again as it has been the sort of elephant in the room all this time. I don't want to look back in 12 months time and wish that we had done things differently. He's worried about putting me though it all again if anything goes wrong (assuming we would even be successful) but I think he is in agreement to give it a try for 6mths and then draw a line under it for good if nothing happens.

I totally understand what some of you mean about being angry at your bodies for letting us down. I spent a long part of the 7 years we were ttcing no 2 battling this. Dh always pulled me up on it and said I had to remember I have a clever body as it made dd for us. But it is very hard. And it is hard to put into words the helplessnes of having your body not do what you want / need it to do.

Was anyone watching that documentary on sperm donation /ivf in Denmark that was on the other night, was called something like making viking babies? I switched on halfway through it and was like a moth to a flame. I cried my way through it but could not seem to switch it off. I must be a sucker for punishment!

thanks gin i dont know what cycle im on. i had erpc 14/12 then af 12/01 so i dont know if time inbetween erpc and af is cycle 1 or if this is.

i am exhausted and trying not to get carried away with thinking its a symptom and also getting excited at the same time thinking if it is i didnt have this last time so maybe its a good sign ha.

cant remember who posted it but whoever said about mc being our bodies way of protecting us and mc being an easier option than bad things that happened at or close to full term i think you are completely right and id never really thought of it like that. can definitely take some comfort from that. thank you

Our bodies are really clever and it's a good way of putting it Super and ginger. I would far rather it happened earlier than later, and it's good that our bodies know when there is something wrong. I can't help but worry mine didn't know something was wrong for several weeks though and I just carried on feeling pg. It worries me for next time.
Best of luck ginger I hope it's good news for you.
Giving it another try for 6 months and setting a limit on it is probably a sensible idea Super. There's only so long you can put yourself through this. And I am totally a sucker for punishment too - I didn't see the documentary but I have secretly googled pregnant celebs (so sad) and then had a good cry when I've seen their bumps and then read their apparent complete disregard for the possibility that anything could go wrong.. I don't know what drives me to do it. I'm still off facebook though which probably helps.
I called my urgent gynae dept this morning and have another scan booked for Weds morning. I'm just praying I don't need an erpc now. I'm thinking I'll do another test tomorrow an hope my hormone levels have dropped far enough so I get a bfn. This is such a bloody pain in the backside! I was starting to feel normal again and now it's all I can think about again.

tomcat if you do need an erpc please try not to worry. it is very straightforward and i had no pain afterwards. this is from someone who is scared of everything, i actually have a blood test booked this aft and am dreading it.

i hope everything goes well for you and your hormones drop and nothing else is required.

i know what you mean about carrying for so long, i carried for about 9 wks after development stopped. its a little scary but at least our bodies are good at carrying a pregnancy. that is a good thing. i hope u r ok.

Not to make light of it, but I had the same problem at the other end with my dd. I had to be induced having gone over term and ended up with a section (whic was fine and nothing to be afraid of!) I'll be interested to see when our little group starts getting BFP's if any of you experience the same thing!!

I like the thought that my body is good at carrying a pregnancy. It's good to try to see the positive side of it too!
I think it's the GA I'm nervous of, plus I hate hospitals and get health anxiety quite badly sometimes. The main reason I don't want an erpc I think is because of what it means ... that it hasn't worked and we're still weeks away from being able to try again. It makes it harder to move on, and up til now I thought I was doing a good job!

i got diagnosed with 'white coat syndrome' whilst going through problems with my mmc and various hospital admissions so can sympathise.

i just keep reminding myself i will have to give birth if i get a succesful pregnancy so i need to man up plus i realised when i was in hospital it really was the best place for me.

by the time uv had chance to worry about the ga ur asleep.

dont know if this helps you but i kept telling myself ive never known anyone die from ga and also if i do die from the ga i wont know about it kept be kind of sane.

Sometimes you do get what you wish for - though I never thought I'd be wishing for a bfn. I just did another test and it was negative, two days after the last positive. Well thank god for that! I can cancel the re-scan and start to move on. Tomorrow is a new day
Thanks for all the support. It's so good to talk to people about this who won't get uncomfortable when I mention the m word. Sending positive vibes to all xx