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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Tips for coping with the practicalities of miscarriage

990 replies

comeonbishbosh · 16/11/2011 10:58

I?ve just had mc2, which has been emotionally more upsetting than mc1, but I coped a heck of a lot better on the practical side of managing it. And I realise that through the pregnancy books are full of tips on what types of sweets to pack in your hospital bag for labour, we?re pretty short of simple tips to make the sheer yuckiness of going through a miscarriage a little more bearable. I know there?s going to be big variations in people?s experience, and this is in no way to overrule any medical advice you get. But at least it might be a starting point.

For info, I had mc1 8 months ago, didn?t realise I was pg at the time (just come off breastfeeding DD, had massive problems conceiving before) but was probably 8-12 weeks. Didn?t realise it was actually a mc until a lot of mess later. MC2 was a few days ago, had a bit more notice as knew I was 8 wk pregnant, had been increasingly bleeding, and knowing a bit more what it was like through mc1. Neither time I needed to go to hospital.

So, this is what I would suggest helps from my experience, all offered as suggestions that may or may not apply to your situation!

  1. Once you realise the bleeding has started in earnest, get home as soon as you can. You will probably need to sit on the loo for the next 1-3 hours, and that?s far nicer to do in the comfort of your own home.

  2. If you need to travel in a car, sit on a plastic bag. (My 1st mc started at work, and by the time my DH came and picked me up in the car I had bleeding all down my trousers... it?s not glamorous).

  3. Cancel everything, get childcare if you need it. The first time in the midst of the bleeding I tried to keep going, a builder came round to give me a quote for some work, DH went out on a pre-arranged cinema trip and I was putting DD to bed on my own. However hard it is to get a builder to quote, this was stupid priorities! Also, I now know best not to be left without another adult within shouting distance.

  4. Settle in for the long haul. My mc2 was overnight, and I essentially camped out in the bathroom with magazines, world service on the radio, short scurries downstairs to make a hot chocolate. It was still horrible. But not unremittingly so.

  5. Hot water bottles or hot wheatbags are great. And painkillers.

  6. Get top quality sanitary pads, supersize. The maternity ones might be good for the first few hours if you can?t just sit on the loo, but they will make you miserable with their ungainliness. This is not a time to economise on the cheap versions.

  7. If your mc kicks off at an evening or weekend, I found phoning my GPs ?out of hours? service loads more helpful, straightforward and kind than I have ever found NHS direct.

  8. If take a pg test when you are miscarrying, it should come out positive. This is useful if, like me on mc1, I didn?t know I was pg at the time.

  9. Take more time off work than you think. You are very much allowed to mooch.

    Please do add any more tips. It goes without saying that I hope you and I never need these (again)?
OP posts:
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heidipi · 10/08/2022 19:35

@justsayso no it's actually ok, it stays with you of course and I've still got the scan photo, mainly just sad to be reminded that women are going through this all the time.
I agree people generally mean well and want to say the right thing, but of course there isn't a right thing, and often people don't realise the time it takes to go through a miscarriage, the waiting is very hard.
Your DH and friends sound brilliant, take care and be gentle with yourself, do keep posting if you want to vent xx

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alex42 · 25/02/2024 22:29

Just bumping this old, but incredibly helpful, thread - partly so I can find it again over the next few days as I navigate my way through a missed miscarriage. Thank you to all the ladies who contributed tips to this thread.

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californiacooper · 25/02/2024 23:01

@alex42 I will be navigating this horrible journey this week too. I found out at a Pvt scan on Saturday my baby had stopped at just over 6 weeks, I had a scan at 6 weeks and saw it's heart beating 💔
I'm expecting EPU to get in touch tomorrow. I've never done this before so I'm a bit scared xx I hope you are okay.

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MrsEve · 26/02/2024 06:13

Sending you both @alex42 and @californiacooper love and strength as you navigate this awful, scary time. Know that you are not alone. Talk to anyone you can - it really helps. It won’t feel like it right now but you will get through this 🤍

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Sah1987 · 26/02/2024 07:40

alex42 · 25/02/2024 22:29

Just bumping this old, but incredibly helpful, thread - partly so I can find it again over the next few days as I navigate my way through a missed miscarriage. Thank you to all the ladies who contributed tips to this thread.

Hi,

It has been 7.5 years since my miscarriage and I still see signs of it everyday.
I am no longer torn up by the grief, and do have my rainbow baby (now 6)
I fell pregnant 1 year to the day that I fell with my miscarriage baby, and had the same due date, which luckily she missed.
i will say it does get easier. But never goes away.
my partner (now husband) Was very supportive but just did not understand.

i really hope you have people who do understand.

my saviour was a cactus which my mum brought me. She is still alive today (and I've killed many a plant) and often blooms on my sad days, which just proves that my angel baby is looking down and lending support where they can. Xx

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firstpregnancy24 · 26/02/2024 20:46

Thank you so much @Sah1987 @MrsEve @californiacooper for your replies, that is really kind.

@californiacooper I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I had a private scan at 7 weeks and found the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks too, no heartbeat. Have now had 2 follow up scans at the EPAU at my local hospital and they've given me the options of natural management, medical management or the surgical option. Really struggling to figure out what to do next. I have zero symptoms and zero bleeding - it's quite upsetting to know that the pregnancy is over but my body doesn't seem to realise. Hope the next few days/weeks go as smoothly as possible for you - will be thinking about you too as I go through the same thing!

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alex42 · 26/02/2024 20:48

Sorry I posted that last message with my old username. Back to my proper one now!

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Charlied82 · 26/02/2024 21:09

@californiacooper mine was nearly 4 years ago now,.found out at 11 weeks there was no development after 6 weeks, i chose to try the natural management, repeat scan 1 week later and no movement so decided to wait a bit longer as i had started to bleed, another week later and another scan there was still no movement so had to have a d&c! Those 2 weeks were pure hell, knowing my wee bean was still there but also not if u know what i mean, the fear of leaving the house for fear how much bleeding could happen, the constant pains, the needing it to be over so i could finally process and grieve properly, do what is right for you but i found the waiting pure torture! Look after yourself whatever you decide

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californiacooper · 26/02/2024 22:11

@Charlied82 thank you so much, gosh it's all so horrible isn't it. Just this club I really didn't want to have to be a part of. Did you manage to have your DC after your mc? i really hope so 🥹
@alex42@firstpregnancy24... it looks we're in the same boat and have one paddle each... no symptoms here either. What do you think you're going to do? How old are you? I'm 37 in a few months... I feel like I need/want to get this out asap so I can move on. Waiting for weeks or months for it to start is time I don't have. EPU on weds. I hope they don't say they want to scan me again. I saw it on the Pvt one. Tiny tiny white flash, huge sac. Nothing 🥺. It kind of helps quite a lot, but also feels like a kick in the ribs that they call it "products of conception". At 6 weeks it's not really much, is it. It's just the optimism of what it could have been, maybe, in a different life. But in this one. It's a bit of a mess getting in the way of the future baby we're going to make.

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MrsEve · 27/02/2024 06:10

You’ll be surprised at how many insensitive things you’ll hear. My grieving process changed once I read The Baby Loss Guide by Zoe Clarke Coates. Would really recommend giving the book a try. She acknowledges all the feelings you have, the hopes and dreams. Her books really helped me x

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alex42 · 27/02/2024 19:03

Thanks for that recommendation @MrsEve - I will definitely look up the book Flowers

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alex42 · 27/02/2024 19:09

@californiacooper - you are describing almost exactly my situation too. I'm so sorry we are both going through this but also so glad that we've got in touch on MN and on this thread. Still no symptoms... I'm not sure what to do. I've been booked a provisional appointment for medical management at the EPAU for Tuesday next week, with a prior appt on the Sunday to take the first round of tablets. But I think I'd really prefer if things happened naturally. I just haven't a clue when that would happen, and I've got a couple of hen dos (aghh) coming up in March that I really don't want to flake out on. I'm about to be 33 - and yes I can definitely relate to what you're describing, a sense of loss but also the anxiety and urgency to kind of 'get this horrible situation over with' so we can start moving on, getting back to normal cycles, back to being able to try to conceive again with hopefully success next time. I've had a pretty difficult fertility journey already with undiagnosed PCOS meaning we've been trying for well over a year at this stage with only one conception (which was after taking Letrozole for PCOS) and which has ended at 6 weeks with a missed miscarriage. I'm now at what should be 8 weeks and 3 days and my body is clearly still not realising that the pregnancy is over. I am hoping things start naturally in the next few days as I honestly don't know if I'm going to go ahead with the Sunday/Tuesday appointments or move them out a bit and hope for the best.
What do you think you'll do? Wishing you the best of luck for the next steps!

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californiacooper · 27/02/2024 22:21

@alex42 oh best of luck to you.
I 💯 want ERCP under general. I can't take time off work (obv the day for the surgery) so want it done and out and then hopefully won't have a lot of pain or bleeding to manage at work.
I'm going to push for that tomorrow when I have my scan, hopefully on a Friday so I can have the weekend but will see.
I'm sorry you've had a bit of a fertility journey already, I didn't mention my whole fertility (and then infertility) journey but in brief I've been TTC for 2 years, had loads of tests with my GP and all fine, finally got referred in October for nhs fertility trt. In the meantime I had another set of tests and a hycosy privately and found I have low AMH and likely can't ever conceive naturally, so in November/December I went abroad for IVF, ended up being a freeze all cycle and I've got two frozen beans waiting for me. So I really want to get on with this asap so I can get them in... I would have already had them in and my 2ww would be over had I not have randomly conceived (due to the hangover of the medications I took) over Xmas.
Have you got any symptoms? I think I have a bit of cramping, but like 4 day before your period is coming feeling, not the hour before,

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Meek16 · 28/02/2024 01:54

This post is so helpful and I can't believe it's been going for so many years, absolutely heartbreaking.
We went for our 12 week scan on Monday and found out that there wasn't a foetus, there was only an egg sac in a deflated-balloon looking bag! She didn't actually call it a missed miscarriage, I've read it online so I can only presume that's what's happened? I've spent the last two nights trawling the internet once my husband falls asleep looking for information to tell me I'm normal and I think this post has finally done that..
I feel useless. I failed to conceive for 15 months - I know this isn't as long as other people have struggled, I've been told this point many times and funnily it hasn't helped me feel any better! I failed to stay pregnant even though my body is still telling me I am. And now I'm failing at passing it too!
I go back in on the 8th March to discuss medical management but I just want it over with. My husband and I are already so drained of being sad, and know it's only going to get worse!

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firstpregnancy24 · 28/02/2024 08:07

@californiacooper good for you making a really clear decision in the option you'll take. FWIW, I have an aunt who used to work in fertility-adjacent services and she has been telling me to take the ERPC if it's offered - she thinks it's a great way to get it all over with as soon as possible, avoid the risk of incomplete miscarriage, and get you back on your feet ready to conceive again soon. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult journey to get to this point but that's really exciting about your IVF and your next steps with the frozen embryos once you get this horrible phase over with. Yes I totally have the same thing - faint cramps as though my period might come in the next week, but absolutely nothing that tells me this is about to start any time soon. I'm still grappling with the options but will see how I feel as Sunday gets closer (appt for medical management).

@Meek16 so sorry to hear you are in a similar boat. It's a rubbish time and wouldn't wish it on anyone. This thread has been an absolute life saver, there are some amazing tips in here from over the years from so many amazing ladies. Please do not feel like a failure - you are far from it (although I completely emphasise with that feeling). Feel free to keep writing here and we can keep in touch as we get through this!!

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alex42 · 28/02/2024 08:08

@californiacooper @Meek16 - gosh I keep accidentally posting under my very optimistic previous username of first pregnancy 24. Just reconfirming that this is the same person Blush

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californiacooper · 28/02/2024 17:21

Had my appt today, scan obv confirmed what I already knew but stupidly I had a small glimmer they might go look! I heartbeat! Haha... next time maybe.
They put me in the little room with the lamp and box of tissues on the table. You know it's bad when they do that. I was in there bloody ages. Got there for 2, left 4.30.
All the options sound absolutely awful, but I'm going for surgery, hopefully I can last until
Next Thursday when it's booked in for.
She said it's a high chance it will come out before that, to be honest I've got some cramping starting and I'm petrified.

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alex42 · 28/02/2024 17:38

@californiacooper I can 100% relate, I was expecting them to tell me they'd made a horrible mistake at my follow-up scan on Monday too. Let's hope we'll both be luckier next time! That's great you're booked in for the surgical. I am starting to get slightly more significant cramping too, and have had super light spotting (only in the morning) today and yesterday. So wondering if things might be starting to happen. It might be worth getting stocked up on things to make things easier for you in case anything does start happening at home - but I hope you're able to hold on for the surgical option since that's your preferred option. I wish I was as brave!! As I mentioned, my aunt keeps texting me to tell me it's the best way but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to go for it - I'm too much of a wuss Grin
Best of luck over the next few days - let me know how you're getting on. I'm sure I'll be posting here too as things move forward...

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alex42 · 28/02/2024 17:40

@californiacooper PS: just out of interest, did the midwife say why she thought there was a high chance yours would start naturally before next Thursday? Just wondering if she saw something on the scan or something to suggest it was about to start. I am completely none the wiser on when/if mine is likely to start naturally...

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californiacooper · 28/02/2024 18:30

@alex42 oh no she didn't really say there was a high chance, just really because it's quite a while away because of a doctor strike, so really just the time factor. My body might realise and start pushing it out,.,, when did you find out, and how long until you started spotting?
To me the surgery is the wuss option- knock me out and scoop it out, much stronger to be awake and sit there and deal with it on your own at home. But I just want it over with :(

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alex42 · 28/02/2024 19:31

@californiacooper ahhh got you, that makes sense. Hope things hold on for the surgery so you can just have a clean, over and done with, procedure. My first scan was on 17 Feb, but by that stage the baby had already stopped developing a week ago. So I estimate the pregnancy loss was now 2.5 weeks ago... I've only felt the mild cramping for the last few days, and the (suuuuuper faint, and literally only in the morning) spotting has been today and yesterday only. I guess the hormones are taking their time to come down... ironic since I'm fairly sure my miscarriage was caused by hormonal imbalances from PCOS. I think I may be in denial about how hard this may be to manage at home... but clinging on to the hope that it'll somehow be fine and manageable! Will report back (!)

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californiacooper · 28/02/2024 20:02

@alex42 are you staying at home until it happens or do you have to go to work or go out and about?
I can't really just sit about so I just hope it doesn't start while I'm in the middle of a root canal or something. I'll just have to bleed all over the floor while I finish everything up. I'm
Going to make a bag with some huge pads and spare pants and trackies and socks and maybe some of those adult nappies and keep it in my car I think.
Have they spoke to you about what to expect and how to manage it?

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alex42 · 28/02/2024 22:38

@californiacooper oh you're a dentist, gosh that is difficult as no option to sit at home for a few days. Hopefully some thick pads and some extra stuff on hand as you say will be enough to get you through to the appointment next week - fingers crossed nothing happens before then. I'm fortunate as I have an office-based job and a very understanding manager who has allowed me to work from home for the next week or two while things (hopefully) happen and resolve themselves. She has gone through miscarriage herself and was really kind about it - after I had gone back and forth about whether or not to tell her. I haven't had very much advice on what to expect from the EPAU to be honest... just 'make sure you go to A&E if the bleeding is really heavy' etc. My cramps have disappeared again so think this is going to be a bit of a long haul. I'm a combination of scared of what to expect and keen to get this over with now. Have you had much advice on how soon to expect your normal cycles to return after the surgical procedure - do you need to see those return before being able to get back to your next steps with the frozen embryos? That's the other thing I'm wondering about... the delayed miscarriage is one thing but the long wait to get back to normal cycles and TTC is another, and I'm just desperate to get on with it.

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californiacooper · 28/02/2024 22:57

@alex42 they said "4-6 weeks". You're not supposed to start trying again until then so they know dates if you conceive- but I do know at least one person who didn't and conceived literally a few weeks after and now has a healthy 4 year old! I hope I feel up to it 🤣... maybe give it a go before starting all the ivf again. You know, just in case.

They also said about going to a&e if it's really bad or really heavy, but then also said,,, it's really bad and heavy. I've never been here before so I have no idea at which level I should be thinking it's too much. I sat in bed at home for 3 days with a 42 temp and a raging kidney infection once (and also went to work) before I started hallucinating and actually thought I should probably go to the hospital because I really didn't feel well at all 🤣 so I'll probably be alright????

Being at work is actually great because I do not even think about me for one second while I'm treating my patients. I cannot worry about me while I am concentrating on them, it's very cathartic. Just as long as I'm not literally bleeding all over the place and it doesn't hurt so much that I cannot concentrate, this is my only worry but if so I'll just have to leave wont I.

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californiacooper · 29/02/2024 08:42

Okay as this is the "practicalities" thread, I'm
Going to go to the supermarket today to get things I've never purchased before, I'm going to make a bag up to keep in my car, just in case. I'll tell the girls at work where it is in case of emergencies.
What do we think about this:

  • huge sanitary pads
  • incontinence adult nappy pant things
  • big comfy knickers
  • wet wipes
  • a towel
  • spare trackies/socks (please tell me I won't need the socks)
  • paracetamol/ibuprofen


Am I missing anything?
Please let me not need this....
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