Diary of an optomistic pesamist...

[faintpositive]

Just wnat to write a few words each day to help me through. Feel free to ignore as it will be mostly ramblings, but i feel it will help me.

Worked out that on Saturday, i will be 6 weeks.
Luckily at this moment in time, i do not know anyone else who is pregnant too.
This is always torturous as when i miscarry, and they continue blissfully with their pregnancies, it is painful to see them grow bigger and to then give birth.

There are allot of reminders within my circle of what i could have had.

Every night, i get into bed and think, "thank God, another day with no bleeding"
Every time i go to the loo, i try to force myslef not to look......just in case, i just cant bear it.
Mostly i dont, occasionally i do, and its like i have stopped breathing and suddenly taken a huge great breath of fresh cool air when the loo roll is clear of blood.
I feel ok, not strong symptoms this together with the faint positive leads me to think that this is not a strong and viable pregnancy. Waiting for it all to start again.

Appoitnment at the end of the week at Liverpool, see what they say. I started the 5mg folic acid, and asprin, but not sure about the injections, im not convinced about them, but what if they increase my chances??????
So every day is a bonus.
Refuse to post on any of the preg bourds, not told a soul, except dh obv. I am completely ignoring and putting it to the back of my mind as if it isnt happening.
every day, is a good day...i spose.

Oh nonono willi, PLEASE please dont appologise for your words, really i appreciate more than you could ever realise how much everything that you have said means to me.
Just the mere fact that you are even on here sharing means so much.

I have mentioned previously because i feel so strongly about it, that i should be savouring every minute of this as it is my last ever time, but again, its some thing i feel robbed of. However hard i tried to be positive, the cold facts are just too overwhelming.

You are doing what i have been doing up til now. Like you, this is my last pregnancy, i am nearly 41 and in actual fact, although always early, miscarriages are always agonisingly physically painful for me. I am hospitaised for pain control and need morphine gas & air and other painkillers, and all of these combined i still am unable to talk or breath because of the pain. I am physically unwell for up to a week after as well.
Which is odd for me as i am never ever ill and tolerate high levels of pain usually.
Bleeding is allot this morning. DH is very upset.

I read up, and ask questions but this is still no clearer to me. I still dont know why. Never will now.

So im wating for the pain to start because when it does it takes hold quite quickly so i will need to get up to the hospital as soon as i can. I want this over as soon as possible.
Please stay with me willi, i need to talk to some one, and i hope that i will help you through this too.
Because of the nature of it, i just feel so alone, i dont know anyone who has had more than one. I dont know of anyone i can relate to or say to..."i know" and there is no one who can say to me "i know".
Lets not do this alone.....

I am glad that I did not upset you, I did not want to cause more upset than already is felt.

I am bleeding more heavily today, with clots, fortunately no pain.

I am blessed in that my m/c's have mainly been essentially only mild pain and nothing much more than a period. One I never even bled or had bleeding as I reabsorbed it instead took several weeks. That was really hard emotionally.

My one at 8w4d that was exactly a year ago (had same due date a year earlier to this one), I got a shock, as I bleed very heavily with huge clots and ended up in hospital on the morphine for the pain. It was horrible. And then afterwards was ill, as I reacted to the morphine!

I have only had to go through one ERPC fortunately. Several of my m/c have been at the 5/6 week mark, so easy physically for me.

I have found every miscarriage different (just like every pregnancy is different), somehow that makes it harder as you never know the timescale or what is going to happen. I am an organised person and having something so out of my control adds to the mental anguish for me.

I am 43, so most of my m/c's have been put down to age for me. But that is not something I can "fix".

I hope that this m/c is different for you and you don't have to go through such pain. Although I find the pain cathartic in some ways, in some where it has been painless, it feels like I have been robbed of the phyisical pain that "should" match the emotional pain. Not sure if that even makes sence!

Please keep updating here, I will be thinking about you and worried about how you are doing.

I know this pregnancy is over for me, but somehow I am finding it hard to let go of, do you know what I mean?

I hope that you have some support for you and your husband at this difficult time. Thinking of you.

So, rang epau and they advised i go for a scan.

Showing a sac, no yolk sac no baby. Passing clots and have some pain.
They want me to go back in a week.

Ive taken a couple of paracetamol and intend to just carry on until the pain gets too much.
Liverpool not answering the phone for advice about medications, so will ring again tomorrow. Will carry on for now though.

I do get what you mean about holding on....i think thats why i am carrying on the medications, as if they may hold some thing magical. Its not over till its over.
God, im all over the place, my head is very matter of fact,"its all over, end of "
BUT my heart is screaming "why the fuck is this happening again, im a fucking good person, i am a fucking good mum, i have never hurt a single soul in this world, WE are fucking good parents...NO this is NOT happening again, it CANT be i wont fucking allow it"

I just hate this waiting, not knowing for sure, small glimmers, huge desperate hope and dispair, the injustice and unfairness of it is crushing my chest.
I cant breath, i cant breath.

God, im angry today.

it is NOT fair, is absolutely right, neither you or I deserve this, can't think of anyone who would deserve it, it is just so horrible to go through.

I keep wanting to ask WHY as well as "why my".

I think mine is coming to an end now, this afternoon the bleeding has started to ease up again, and my stomach (uterus!) feels empty, does that sound weird?! I am glad I have another scan on monday. Then I will have it all confirmed and I will be able to stop my meds with confidence. I know what you mean about thinking that perhaps they will be the magical solution. Definitely not in my case!!!!! But I feel like at least I have tried.

I am glad you went for a scan, and that you have another one booked for next week. Since the yolk sac is no longer being visable, did they measure the sac size today or was it just not as good quality machine/technician? I assume it is the sac shrinking already??? Sorry. It is just a case of taking one day at a time. Today you feel angry and you have every right to feel that way. None of us should have to go through this.

Thinking of it, looking at the stages of grief: The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Looking at this, we have a way to go yet!!!!! I definitely keep flitting between denial and anger today. Fortunately I have been busy enough most of the time to stay in denial

I feel like I reach acceptance over each m/c only to leap backward to the other ones. I wonder if I will ever truely reach acceptance that it is all over and that my "last baby" is already here with me.

You said your boy is nearly 8, my oldest son is 8 next week. It seems so long ago that I was expecting him, and remember the innocence of not expecting to m/c. IT IS NOT RIGHT, that we should be going through this.

Very un-mumsnet, but {{{{hug}}}}.

Faintpositive, just want to say something that you may not appriciate, but just tell me to bog-off if you need too!
I just want to say that I think that you being told you have had blighted ovums before might be misleading "if you are eight weeks or less is not enough time to be certain you have a blighted ovum. " from this website If you have a tilted uterus like me, it is easy to miss the baby in the sac when measuring two weeks behind. I have had early scans (6/7 weeks) where they only see the sac, but never call it a blighted ovum as it is just too small to see.

I am saying this in case you change your mind about trying again, that you should ignore the blighted ovum comments by doctors and concentrate on testing for NKCells etc.

OK so I am butting in where not wanted, so please feel free to vent your anger at me, I can take it, I am in denial!

I might just be in the bargaining phase too, as I am thinking of how to pursuade my dh, that my body can cope with another one of these easypeasy miscarriages again....... why can't I quit?

hEHEHEHE you daft bint, course im not angy with you

No, uterus pointing in the right direction

They have not actually said its a blighted ovum, in fact the sonographer was adamant that no decision or diagnosis can be made because it simply is too early to say.

It looked like a good robust little sac to me, previously they have looked a bit odd shaped and very small. They didnt give me any measurements.
Bleeding isnt too horrendous actually, like a light period. Do have some cramps but paracetamol dealing with them.

I am basing everything i say from previous experience, thats why i sound so confident in my own personal diagnosis!!

Anyhoo lets see what tomorrow brings.

Sounds like you have not had too much pain willi, thats good. Im feeling dread for monday for you, do you like me think daft stupid things like "ah well, could have been twins and maybe ive lost one"!!!
You hear about folk who bleed all the way through their pregnancy and everything is ok for them.....people who bleed at the begining of their pregnancy but then stop and everything is ok.......damit!

BTW keep all your ideas and thoughts coming, i am open to any and all areas of discussion.
Looking forward to chatting again soon x

Arggg, I thought it was nearly over, well I was wrong. During the night had heavy bleeding and passed a big clot (ok not very big but much bigger than the rest.) and woke up to horrible painful cramping. I am guessing in the next few hours I can expect more big clots....... argggg I hate this.

As for the I am miscarrying a twin thing, ofcourse that is what I am hoping!!!! Stupidly hoping I go on monday and they say, look there is your baby with a strong heartbeat, and there is the place the bleeding is coming from, well away from you baby, and all is well....... Oh for wonderful dreamland. Feck it.

OK what can I do to distract myself from these cramps? All ideas greatfully recieved

Ahh yes i thought it would be over for you too willi, its shite dragging on like this for you.
What are you taking for pain releif?

Unless i am lay flat on my back i have pain, so today i have just done that, DH has been looking after me, bless him.
So up until now, its been bearable, not too much bleeding but that only because i am not upright so gravity cannot do its worst.

Trying desperately to not let any of this on to ds, just want life to carry on with him unaware, he knows im not well, told him i have a bad head. He kind of shrugs accceptingly.
Got loads on this weekend, im God mother at a Christening on Sunday and we fly off on holiday on Monday. Ive worded up my friend re Sunday and the fact i amy not be in a fit state to go, not sure she understands though.
Holiday defo NOT cancelling that as we have been looking forward to it for months.
Just waiting, waiting waiting....
While i know there is no chance here, im still holding on a wee bit, if i havent got pain, its not happening!!!

GAHHHHHHH

Do do, do do, do do, do do..... repeat of the last few days, heavy painful in the morning, easing by lunchtime, then barely in existance for the afternoon. I have some mild cramping this evening.

Normally with my m/c's I move around as normal and try to help it along. This time I spent two days in bed doing nothing and for the last two days (I work part-time), I have done as little as possible, when needed I have taken lift instead of walking up stairs like I would normally, and sitting as much as I could.

Got home this evening to my wonderful husband having bought me a magazine and big chocolate bar. (I did not tell him that I have been gorging on chocolate for the last few days and that I am not looking forward to having to stop it all next week.

I have decided that I will go back to running next week - starting on monday after the scan. Then I will start my healthy eating on Thursday once I have finished work for the week.

I am glad that my children are too young to ask questions really yet. They accept that mummy has a sore tummy and are very good about it. My gorgous 3 year old son, earlier in the week came up to me in bed and said "I get you drink of water for you sore tummy", I could have wept with the cuteness and loveliness of it. (when they have "sore tummies" they get to go to bed and just drink sips of water, so obviously that is what mummy needed!)

I am glad to hear your dh is giving you lots of TLC, it is very important. I think men often feel helpless in these situations and they find it good to "do" something in looking after their wives.

Well have to go and sort out things for my dh, who has to go away for a wedding this coming weekend, will chat later.

Ive got too much to do to be putitng up with all this shite!
SO
washer is on...1st load of the day, ive cleaned the kitchen,. gonna run hoover over the place and clean the bathroom.

No pain at all over night, minimal bleeding, just like day 2 of my period really. Strong painful cramps this morning, but now just bearable.
Ive decided to carry on with my medications, but have just held off with the asprin, not sure what the half life is of asprin so just leavign it for a day or two...its a small dose anyway.

Have rang up Liverpool for advice, waiting for them to get back to me.

Im too long in the tooth to be letting this affect my/our lives so much.

When the pain gets bad, i will nip up to the hozzy, till that time, IM BUSY

In other words...fuck the fuck off miscarriage, i havent got time nor energy to waste on you....

But Willi, how cute your little chap, drink of water, what an angel. You see, we are both SO lucky to have our kids and such gorgeous lovely ones too.

Is it important to you to plough on through?
I would be at work if i wasnt on leave myself as im not one to sit around.
Funny isnt it, but i KNOW for a fact that if this was dh, he would have months off work and milk it

Can i ask, how do those around you react to you when you have had your losses? Do you tell any family or freinds?

Hope your day isnt too horrendous for you today Willi.
Keep talking x

I only tell limited people around me about the pregnancies and losses. Basically only those that will support rather than smoother/ignore me!
My dh is good for looking after me, but he is totally detatched from the pregnancies these days. I think if I had ever made it to 12 weeks it would have been a complete turn around, as he loves children and would be happy to be a dad to another. But he for many m/c's now, has not been able to "bond" with the pregnancy. I found it difficult at first, but now it is not an issue, I can understand he is dealing with it all in a practical male way.

I find telling my mum great, but she is a bit emotional when I m/c. But has been totally supportive all though it all.

I tell a couple of close friends who live nearby, and they are great, the best at letting me be the emotional wreck during and after the pregnancies.
I sometimes tell others like my sister and other family members but not much now, I don't see how they can support me in any way, they live too far away etc.

What about you, do you tell many people or none?

Well done on getting buzy, I have done the opposite today, I am laying in bed just surfing the net. Got up to spend time with the kiddies, and now back in bed! I am being a lazy so-in-so.

Today the bleeding has been less because I am resting.

Can you believe I spent a bit of this morning goggling about prednisolone and recurrent m/c and wondering how I could get my gp to prescribe it....... not for this pregnancy that I know is over, but for another one.!!!!
Why do I let my brain think this way, it is over, I need to move onto another plan, What is it about losing one pregnancy that makes me want to try again? Please slap me and tell me to wake up and smell the coffee!!!!

Hope that the christening goes ok at the weekend and that your holiday is fabulous...... will you go into silence while away (or will you have internet access to mn????)

I am truly sorry. I am a lurker and saw on another thread that you are going through your 6th miscarriage. Take care of yourself...

willitbe Sincerely sorry as well... I can totally relate to your feeling about prednisone. I would take anything on a whim.

Odd, cramping still there in the background, not too severe.
Liverpool adamant i should continue with all medications so i am.

I have had to tell my boss at work so one or two others know at work.
Told one or two others, but they jsut dont know what to do or say so i dont want to embarrass anyone.
Ive been getting the odd text message off friends who know, but nothing from others. I dont mind though.

One friend said to me...."What, AGAIN"!!
see what i mean about not knowing what to say!!!

Well, have had chocolate cake and coffee with one of my pals today so feel cheered up as she was telling me some very funny goings on at work.
Should think about tea now really.

Thanks cadmum x

Chocolate cake is always a very good plan, glad you found someone good to share it with.

definitely know what you mean about folks not knowing what to say. Hence why I am very selective about who I tell. I was worried I would have to tell my boss this week, but fortunately was able to lie (not something I normally do easily), and say "I am bleeding heavily this month, so feeling a bit aneamic", was not exactly a lie, but maybe a little misleading. I am feeling aneamic, but not for a "monthly" reason .

Anyway, need to think about what I can do this weekend to get myself away from the computer. Need to get up and get moving.

Cadmum - thank you for your support.

Went to GP and asked him for the strongest pain killers that he could prescribe.
I do not want to go into hospital.
Got some solpodol.
They are good but im spaced out, dizzy and very sleepy. I feel the pain but it feels like its "underwater", still there but managable. Every now and again, i get an especially extra strong one that seems to break through my haze and makes me stop breathing.
Bleeding also not much to write home about.
Its taking ages.
Its my little boys birthday today, i heard them singing happy birthday to him and clapping. DHs parents came round, i was like a zombie curled up in bed. Ive missed the majority of his day
Im ok though, happy to not be in agony, small mercies and all that.

How are you today willi? Has your bleeding settled? Any more cramps? How are you feeling yourself?
Are you positive you wont try again?
Sending all the best your way x
Ive told every one now, except for some reason, DH didnt tell his parents, he told them i have eaten some thing funny!!! Not that they would give a shit, but i will ask him why he didnt tell them when i am better. I find it odd thats all, although possibly because ds was there and he doesnt want to talk about it in front of him.

I am doing really well, I only have brown spotting now, it is clearly all gone. The one horrible thing is that I am bloated, very very bloated, could be something to do with all the chocolate and lack of exercise too, but I feel like a huge whale!

I will be starting excercise tomorrow and diet on Tuesday. Can't start my diet tomorrow as it is my ds' 8th birthday. They grow so fast. For his birthday last year I was in hospital having m/c number 9. So I am grateful that this year it is over beforehand. I will still have to go to have the scan tomorrow morning, but we are going to make it a family day out. DH will take them to the park/playcentre (depending on the weather) while I have my scan, then we will go to McD's or somewhere equally unhealthy and then onto the cinema possibly? I am really looking forward to it. I just hope that the scan gets done quickly, last time I was waiting for nearly 3 hours, despite having an appointment time!!

I am having my normal waver over whether or not to try again, but I know that it is part of the reaction to m/c, I always go through a phase of thinking ofcourse I can cope with this agian. But now is not the time to make decisions. I will have to make a decision soon though as I tend to be fertile very quickly after a m/c, so dh might have to go find condoms fast, until we decide what we are doing in the long term. Although mentally and emotionally it is hard, it is more my physical coping that I am concerned about, I don't think that being repeatedly pregnant is good physically. I wish someone was able to tell me for definite if I am causing my body more harm by continuing.

Sorry to hear that you are still suffering, I hope that your body starts co-operating soon, it is horrible having the pain. I am glad that your gp was able to give you stronger painkillers. I hope that you manage to avoid the trip to hospital.

What are happening about your holiday plans, are you still going? I am picturing you on a plane, spaced out on solpodol and the air hostess' thinking you are drunk!!!! But I hope that overnight things have got going and that you are still able to go and take your holiday, I guess you will need it after this.

It seems strange that 8 years ago we were giving birth within days of each other to our firstborns, and here we are now within days of each other both m/c our possible last borns? Or are you reconsidering trying again?

Take care, I am thinking about you.

Hi Willi, that is bizarre and spooky, what a coincidence about our boys!
The due date of my last mc was tomorrow (last year) Annoyingly there was a wee baby there with a heart beat that tiem, i wonder if i had taken the asprin and injections then, would i now be celebrating my babies 1st birthday tomorrow???

I know what you mean about it not being the right time to make any definitive decisions regarding trying again. I am always so adamant in my head, then a day or two later i rethink the whole thing.
We do want to try again, Lverpool offer such hope and ive been (probably, stupidly) reading up on NK cells and the link to re occuring mc.
Its the whole Russian Roulette thing for me that is difficult to swallow. I would have half a chance if i had a pregnancy that contained a baby but as the majority of mine are empty sacs, none of the current treatments are of any use.

Bleeding ramped up a notch today, some gushing, lots of clots, occasional pain, i think these super duper pain killers may be doing the trick.
I read the box wrong though and so have been timing them every 4 hours, it says take them 4 times a day....have lost my specs round the house some where so ive been taking more than the recomended dosage.
I am aware that this is likely to be toxic, however as i dont drink and only ever take the occasional paracetamol, i think that my liver is probably rather robust and in the short term, i am not concerned. I need analgesia so for now, need to put my liver under some not unreasonable pressure.
Trying to drink plenty of fluids, not eating much so hopefully a small weight loss...every cloud and all that!

I am worrying about infection now as this is a very slow loss, its been going on for a week now, ususally when the pain starts, its over within 12-24 hours. Ive got some ABs on standby if i become unwell, or suspect infection, but its never taken this long before.

LOL Willi re the drunken lady on the plane!! I tend to sleep and be a bit spaced out, dont think any one will notice...hopefully anyway, i dont plan on getting rowdy!!! I AM still going armed with analgesia and some good books, im going to just sleep lots and rest lots, i can do it by a pool in warm sunshine just as well as i can on the sofa here. At least DH & DS will be having fun instead of watching my miseable gob!!!
Really looking forward to this holiday actually. We deserve it tbh.
Well, will report back when i get back from holiday.
Thanks again for all of your chats Willi, its been a Godsend and very comforting.
x

Well, ended up in hospital and so holiday i cancelled.
Things have got much much worse at my local hospital in the 18 months since my last mc. Its utter utter shite to be honest.

Upshot is, its all now gone, scan showed nothing there.

How did you get on with your scan on MOnday Willi?

Faintpositive - so sorry to hear that you had to cancel your holiday and suffer a horrible hospital experience instead. I hope now that it is over that the healing can begin for you.

Thank you for asking about my scan on monday. After waiting over two hours for the appointment (I ended up in tears from the stress of the waiting!), I went in to have doctor scan me on the same equipment that 10 days earlier they had been able to see nothing on at all. Down the corridor 10 days ago they had clearly seen the sac, all be it too small to see anything in it. So today I was not expecting much, but hoped they would be able to say, uterus back to non-pregnant size, all gone.......... but NO, arrgggg, uterine lining still 10mm, therefore unable to say it is finished. I am having ANOTHER scan on thursday, but this time on the proper equipment. Unfortunately I am only spotting now (5 days heavy bleeding) and so not sure when the rest of the bleeding will start, or if it will. I reabsorbed rather than lost one of my previous pregnancies, I really really hope that I am not doing that again, it was a horrible way to end the pregnancy.

Anyway, I started my exercising yesterday (restarted the couch to 5k running program) and started my dieting today. I could not put it off til Thursday, I would have cracked up. (I also hoped that the running would have set off the bleeding agian, but it didn't - grrrrr)

So I am still in limbo, not really pregnant, but not yet fully miscarried mode. I hope that it does not last too much longer for me.

What are your plans now you have missed out on the holiday away?

Hi,
Im still bleeding, quite heavily with clots. They said that my uterus was empty and "back to normal" however i have not yet passed anything iyswim.
Normally i know when its over becasue i pass something fairly large following severe pain.
Ive had pain on and off for about 10 days but nothing has come away.
Got period pains galore today also.
So it aint over yet.

faintpositive,

I am relieved having had scan, it confirms that everything is over, normal size uterus lining, and bleeding virtually stopped. So I am feeling much better about it all. I did not see the sac this time, I normally notice it, but this time I missed it, but I am ok with that. I am now ready to move on. Still not sure what we are doing, as we have not yet sorted contraception, but we will have to make a decision soon.

I hope that things finish soon for you, and that you don't get as much pain as you have previously. I will be thinking of you.

Hi Willi,
Well bleeding almost stopped now, no more pain. Its over.

Now we need to have the conversation. Do we try again or not?
I think that i am fairly convinced that we wont use any contraception, we will just let nature take its course.
I will not be taking any of the pills and potions recommended by Liverpool because i simply am not convinced that they have done anything to help or assist.
I strongly believe that this miscarriage has been made unnecisarily more stresfull, painful, complicated and dragged out longer than it needed to be.

I do not believe that Liverpool know anything useful, and that they can shed any light on my problems. They just do not know enough, which tells me that this is a very neglected area sadly.
I agreed to the medications and took them out of desperation, grasping at any straw wafted my way. In hindsight i know now that this was wrong...but understandable.

Its such a come down isnt it. I dont know what to do with myself. How do you help yourself recover emotionally Willi?
One minute you are expecting a baby, then you are not, its over and life carries on for every one else...and WHY oh WHY is that every where i look there is a pregnant woman?????????
EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
Its very early isnt it, so hard and so soul destroying.

I know what you mean about the grasping at straws, I am totally guilty of that too. But when I don't take the advice given I feel guilty again. Instead of a win win situation it feels like a lose lose situation.

I want to have confidence in my body that it will cope and do what it needs to do and do it right. But I have lost that confidence and that is what has pulled me in so many directions trying to get help to find the solution.

However the more "specialists" that I have seen the more it has become obvious that in situations with recurrent miscarriage where all the usual tests are normal, that no-one has any idea what to do. So doctors grope around at different ideas trying to say that this might work or that is the answer, when in reality they have not got a clue.

I get the feeling that my dh is not looking to be pro-active on looking at contraception. He is confusing me by hinting that we should try again. Whilst at the same time he is saying he does not mind whether we have another child or not. I am not going to make any move with getting put on the pill or anything yet, so I guess the next few weeks might be a case of russian roulette.

I am not sure that getting pregnant repeatedly is a good idea for me physically. Mentally I say it is time to stop, but my emotional/spiritual side is not ready to give up hope. It is hard to make a decision right now.

I think I have become a bit numb to all the pregnant women around. I work in a hosptial where I see heavily pregnant women every week. I have to confess to thinking poor you suffering the last few weeks of pregnancy feeling so uncomfortable, when I see them!!!!! And poor you, soon to go through sleep deprivation!!!! But then I do think perhaps I would still like to be in that situation again.........

It is good to know that you understand the emotions that we are sharing at this time.