Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Oh spilt and littlewish - your posts have just made me cry .

I'm okay thanks - first day back at work today which was quite tough. Felt on the verge of tears all day and a bit awkward around people. I'm hoping it will get easier as the days pass.

I havn't contacted the hospital yet - am going to ring this Friday if havn't heard anything.

DS2 is over his tonsilitis but has just been diagnosed with measeles today. He came with a horrible rash today with DH - who took him straight to doctors. It then took 6 GPs and a nurse to decide it was measles (with the aid of google and a laptop!).

He is not too bad in himself - just covered in rash, and he has to stay indoors for 4 days.

All sorts of things are now going through my head as measles is very dangerous to unborn babies - I'm thinking if it could have been possible that I had it first without any symptoms (maybe the reason we lost baby) and then passed it to DS2. Very unlikely I know time-wise but it was one of my first thoughts when DH told me today.

Hello everyone, I was hoping for some advice from you all. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be feel like to be in your position, it's just heartbreaking.

I was wondering how long you all took or are planning to take off work? Someone I know is currently in your position, so I'm kind of asking on her behalf.

Hi Muser, hope you're getting on ok.

I was off completely for 6 weeks and am now 3 weeks into a phased return. The first week I did two full days and couldn't cope, complete mess. The next week I did Mon, Weds, Fri mornings. This week I'm doing Mon, Weds, Fri 8am-2pm. Not sure about the next couple of weeks but I certainly won't be full time before January.

I've been shocked at how hard it has been to go back to work and how draining and knackering.

Tell her to really take her time, it's very tough. Best wishes to her.

I went back to work on Tuesday - had 6 weeks off in total. I think it was the right time for me to go back but I echo what spilt said - take her time and go back when she is ready.

I am having a total panic. I have accidentally got pregnant
3 faint BFPs this morning, period late today, my temperature chart is screaming at me "you are up the duff!"

This would be terrific apart from the whole toxoplasmosis infection, leave it 6 months etc.

I feel utterly irresponsible, but that's not the case. We had ttc sex on Nov 23rd and Nov 24th. Saw consultant on Nov 25th and immediately stopped on his advice. I ovulated on the 28th. No sex between 24th and 4 days post ovulation, so it was too late when we got the warning!

Seeing the GP this morning now to sort repeat blood tests to find out whether I still have an active infection, am I building immunity, do I need treatment?

Aaggh. Scared.

I will post properly later and respond to you two, my brain is too fried right now. Hope you are ok x

Hi spilt Your heart must be pounding out of your chest! I've got the shakes for you, don't know if its nerves or excitment, both I think.

Get all the advice you can, I am really hoping that everything is going to be ok and your immunity is already built up enough, I just don't know enough about it all.

I'm going to whisper congratulations, I have absolutely everything crossed for you. I am thinking very positives thoughts for you x

Sending a huge hug x

Everything crossed for you split.

Well done on your first day back ilove. It is really tough. I think the very hardest bit was walking in on day 1. As you say, hopefully it will get easier. How many days are you doing? Hope the rest of the week has been manageable. Your poor DS, sounds horrible, but I can't think it was the reason for your loss. As you say the timing seems well out for that, but I do know how easy it is to question everything and guilt yourself.

littlewish DH said they were playing that Mariah Carey song at his work Christmas do and it made him really sad
Thank you for your congratulations! I shall be POAS again tomorrow to hopefully see a better line.

I've seen the GP and been referred straight to the consultant for an early scan, early bloods, general consultant led care. Apparently the only antibiotic they give pg women for toxoplasmosis is not licenced for the 1st trimester, so we've been told good luck! Apparently it really should be fine though. We'd be spectacularly unlucky to MC because of this this time.... hmm I remember really unlucky!

Oh spilt - that is great news .
So pleased for you and I'm sure everything is going to be fine.
Sounds like they are going to be looking after you well.
What a lovely Christmas surprise

spilt Hope that line on the stick is nice and clear for you. So glad Dr says things should be fine - lovely news and so so chuffed for you x

As ilove said, What a fab bit of christmas news, I am so cheered up by this, you must be delighted. I know you are now going to worry for weeks about all sorts but try not to and enjoy the wonderful feeling that you are going to be a mum again x

Hope you are ok ilove

Going back to work is so difficult, and everyone deals with it differently too. Some hug some don't, some say odd things some don't say anything, and the whole time i was thinking baby baby baby, I couldn't concentrate for weeks. It does get better and I do feel ok at work now, it just takes time.

Hope your little boy is feeling better. at 6 doctors to decide on diagnosis!

Great news for spilt hope you will post something similar soon x

Hi littlewish - thankyou for your reassurance. Finished work for the week now and it was fine really. Noone actually said anything but have all been very friendly and welcoming. DS2 is much better thanks - rash fading nicely.

One of the teachers is heavily pregnant and I passed her in the corridor yesterday - she said Hi and almost flinched. I felt really bad for some reason, as I could guess what she was thinking and wanted to reassure her that her baby will be fine.

We bumped into one of DS1's friends from school and his mum on the way home from school on Monday - they live near us. As part of the conversation I mentioned that I hadn't been at work for 6 weeks - she said 'oh why - have you been ill?'.
I found it very hard but I managed to say - no, we lost our baby. She obviously hadn't noticed that I had been pregnant and now wasn't. It happened again with a work colleague (who hadn't heard what happened) who gave me a lift home a few days ago. Its the first time I've had to tell people about it and I did find it difficult.

Have rung the hospital this morning - was put through to about 4 different people, to eventually get the right office, but the lady I needed to speak to (consultant's secretary) is not in till Monday. But I have her direct line number now so can try again on Monday. They did apologise for the fact that we hadn't heard anything yet so must be due to get some info soon.

Hope you are okay today spilt - I bet you are still in .
Have you worked out your due date yet, or are you going to wait till you've seen consultant?

I'm crossing everything I have for you spilt, it's lovely news. I hope your little bean holds on tight in there and grows big and healthy.

Thanks all for sharing your experiences going back to work. I was asking as the person I know is a colleague who sits very close to me. I am also pregnant, was about six weeks ahead of her. I wondered how long she might be off for as I'm worried how hard it will be for her to see me every day. She may not be back before I go anyway, but if she is I just don't want to cause her extra hurt. I feel so awful for her, that she should have had to go through this. It's completely unfair. And there's quite a lot of pregnant women here at the moment. If it were me I know I'd hate to come back to see that.

littlewish your comment about being a mum again brought a tear to my eye. I so hope so!

ilove it is hard isn't it telling people. You never know what reaction or comment will follow and how you'll take it. I worry totally stupidly about whether they will be thinking 6 weeks was excessive, whether they'll think I'm "over it" or what. Well done for managing to get the words out at all. The first few times they totally choked me.

Muser I see. Yes I would expect it would be really tough for her to come back and be surrounded by pregnant women. I first saw a pregnant woman at church about 5 weeks after losing Bobbie and I just had tears streaming down my face, rising panic and had to get out. I have a colleague who is 33 weeks now - she is part of my team but in a different office. So far I have skived the team meetings and the Christmas breakfast because I don't feel strong enough yet to see her bump. And she is a really lovely person, it's nothing against her, it's just that she's still pregnant and my little girl is gone and I find it so painful to see the visible reminder of roughly where I should be.

I'm still in ! I did another test this morning, another definite line, so this really is happening. It's exhausting thinking about all the early hurdles still to go through, I feel a bit like I should get a free pass to 12 weeks! But no, I'm wondering whether I will lose it before 6 weeks, wondering whether it'll be ectopic, wondering whether the placenta/cord will form or whether I will lose it at 10 weeks. Gah.

It's a weird mixture of emotions. Here I am at 3+5 today when I should be bang on 29 weeks. I'll always wish that Bobbie had survived and gone to term, but if she had then this baby would never exist. And by feeling happy about this one I feel like I'm heartless...

I so hope this one is ok.

I forgot. EDD would be 21st August. Fingers crossed we get there this time.

I can completly understand your conflicting emotions spilt. This baby will be Bobbie's little sister/brother and will bring a part of her with them, so please don't feel heartless. You have grieved (and are still grieving) for Bobbie and nothing will bring her back so enjoy the happy feeling - I'm sure it is what she would have wanted if she could understand.

I've got everything crossed for you xxx

Thanks ilove.

How's your weekend been?

We went to church this morning and I hadn't realised but it was a baptism. A lovely baby boy about 8 months and I couldn't see him without tears rolling down my face. And as if that wasn't hard enough, the friend who was heavily pregnant has had her baby (2 weeks old now) and was there too. A little tiny girl. I knew she was a few rows behind and I could hear her cry and it hurt so much

I am such a strange mix of grief and excitement, pain and hope. I miss my little girl so much. I am 4 weeks and 29 weeks all at the same time. I wish I could have them both.

That must have been hard spilt.
I wish you could have them both too .
How are you feeling physically - any pregnancy niggles yet?

My weekend has been okay thanks. I'm feeling quite good at the moment - mentally and physically. I think now I've got past the hurdle of going back to work it should continue to get easier.

I'm going to ring consultant's secretary tomorrow to see what is going on regarding results. Was hoping to get the appointment done and dusted this year but thats looking unlikely now.

Hope everyone is having a good Monday so far.
I've just rung my consultant's secretary who said the provisional PM results are in, but they are waiting for the full results which could take another 4 weeks .

At least I know now it will be after Christmas and can try and put it to the back of my mind for a while.

Hello everyone. Have had a weekend of coughing children, high temperatures, fleecy blankets strewn across the furniture, calpol, beechams all in one (for eldest), lucozade, vicks lots of tissues flying about and trying to wash hands all the time while spraying dettox as if it's going out of fashion. Ohh how I hate germs! I spend so much on remedies I hate to see them unwell. Youngest has his Christmas concert Wednesday, hope he wont miss it, he's done well to learn all the lines. Dh just rang - he feels shivery, omg, another patient! It has certainly taken my mind off things and made me concentrate on looking after the boys I have.

Hope you are feeling o.k spilt, a summer baby will be lovely. It wont be cold when you have to get up in the nights. . It must be hard to be experiencing so many emotions all at the same time. Do you keep a diary? 2010 will be a year we will always remember.

Glad work is o.k for you ilove I agree about how hard it is telling people the sad news. There are still people who dont know about my bad news yet, I just haven't bumped into them to tell them.

Look after yourselves x

Hi everyone, sorry i havent been on in such a long time.

spilt Ive just seen that you are pregnant, congratulations
Hows it going so far?

Iv been having a rough few weeks, keep waking at night sobbing my heart out as i have relived Freya's birth in my dreams.

Its all kicking off as we are going to visit my MIL at the weekend for our Christmas meal. My SIL lives close and we had a massive falling out when i had Freya.

She gave birth to her daughter 8 days earlier and blamed me for her milk supply drying up (it didnt) and that she should never have been told about Freya as it 'ruined' the first 3 weeks of her daughters life apparently....
There is so much more to our arguement but i can safely say i hate her and never wanna see her again but i am worried she will turn up with the baby or drop it off while she 'pops' out just to spite me. I cant handle the thought of having to be in the same room as a little girl only 8 days older than what my Freya should be....

I know this all sounds ricidulous but im really working myself up about it. I dont wanna let my DH down by not going as we very rarely get to go and see his family.

Sorry to rant and rant.

On a positive note i have my 12 week scan tomorrow so fingers crossed everything is fine and i can tell people about my new addition

Good luck for the scan tomorrow Badger - that has really flown by! Let us know how you get on.
Your SIL sounds absolutely horrendous - I completly understand why you are feeling anxious about visiting in-laws. Hopefully you won't have to cross her path ever again.

Sounds like you've had a grotty weekend littlewish - hope the DC's are starting to feel better. At least you are getting it out of the way before Christmas!

Hi! spilt not sure if you will remember me, but I helped you through the dark early days of your loss of Bobbie. I just wanted to say a massive congratulations on being pregnant. Yes, it is scary. If you do remember me you will remember my loss at 15 weeks and a subsequent loss at 18 weeks. I am currently 19+2 weeks, still scared, worried and all the other emotions - but slowly getting there - if that makes any sense. When I initially found out I was pregnant again, I was very unsure and felt like I didn't want to be but really did want to be - I think it was maybe a self protection thing - you know not wanting to go through all the pain again of another loss.

I have everything crossed for you and wish you a successful pregnancy.

xxx

MummyWilliams of course I remember you! You were so wonderful in those early days and I read your messages again and again. I was so grateful for your honesty, for sharing your experiences and helping me express mine. I've thought about you often and wondered how you are getting on. I'm so chuffed to hear you've got to 19 weeks and are still doing ok. Have you got the next scan fairly soon then? Big hug, wishing you all the very best, a healthy happy next 20ish weeks, and a lovely little baby at the end xx

Badger your SIL sounds like an utter nightmare! I am so sorry you had to put up with her comments and attitudes when you were going through just about the worst thing ever. You are most welcome to rant away and I'm to hear you've had a hard few weeks and upsetting dreams too. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping and praying your scan goes well.

ilove how rubbish to have to wait until after Christmas to get your results, the limbo is really hard.

littlewish your house sounds like hard work this week. Hope your DH doesn't get properly ill too.

I don't keep a diary as such but I do post a lot on here. I was going through MN the other week and copying all of my posts about my pregnancy, about Bobbie and everything I've written about it all since and saving it so I have pages and pages of little details and thoughts and memories now. It's nice.

Pregnancy wise I am a wopping 4+1 today . Still tender and crampy of stomach (same as last time), very thirsty and more easily tired out. Not sick yet but it will probably be here soon. I am also a bit of a loon...
I had the cat on my lap and wanted to adjust my leg so lifted him a bit. He jumped off. I sobbed . Then DH hugged me and I remembered last time I was pregnant I cried when I saw a baby penguin on the TV who's mum had left it (little penguin was fine btw!). Remembering the penguin made me howl still more The the man on the Eggheads was looking all confused and not sure what the answer was. I cried because he looked so sweet

Ho hum.

Hi everyone,

We lost our baby girl at the beginning of November ? you may remember me as some of you very kindly responded to my posts in the days before the delivery. Our baby?s heart had stopped at 19/20 weeks. Reading about your experiences really helped us to prepare for what was always going to be a very difficult experience and we were very grateful for that, so thank you.

Well, that was just over six weeks ago now and I have been lurking on here over the last few weeks, just haven?t posted anything. I?m not sure why, maybe because it would make it all seem more real again. And we did also have major issues with BT Broadband, which didn?t help! Anyway, I would like to join in again if I may. Apologies for what is probably going to be a bit of an essay!

Thankfully the delivery was pretty quick and physically everything went as well as it could, for which we were both immensely grateful. We were very lucky in that the hospital had a special room, funded by SANDS, where we were able to stay. It was away from the main labour ward and much cosier, more like a hotel room, which made things easier for us. We named our baby Petal and spent a good two hours or so with her after the birth. She was very tiny and pink but otherwise looked perfect, especially considering what she?d been through. She was blessed by the hospital chaplain.

We moved house a few days after this! Not ideal timing I know but my husband and both sets of parents ensured I didn?t lift a finger and despite everything we were still pleased to be in a new house. Although the move had been planned to accommodate our growing family (this was our first baby), we were still glad to leave our old flat behind as it felt like a way of drawing a line under the last few months of uncertainty and then pain ? we?d had a ?bad? scan at 12 weeks and to be honest, most of September and October passed in a blur as we waited for test results and the next scan date, getting our hopes up when things looked like they?d be ok only to have them ultimately dashed. We had always planned to move this year ? that and to get pregnant, so at least we?re now in the little house we wanted to be in.

I went back to work two weeks later, part time for the first week. I know that may seem quite quick but I feel better if I?m around people and occupied. It was hard walking in that first day but luckily I work at a relatively small place with a bunch of kind-hearted, sympathetic folk. They all knew what had happened so I didn?t have to say too much.

I have felt very emotional and been close to tears (or in them!) a lot of the time this last week as we have had to arrange Petal?s funeral. We agreed to a post mortem as we felt, after all we went through, we had to try and find out what happened ? none of the tests or scans we had while I was pregnant had found what caused the high nuchal measurement we had at our 12-week scan. The most likely explanation will be something to do with the heart that happened at a very early stage. Now that we are able to plan the funeral it all seems so final. Sometimes it literally feels like a lead weight in my stomach. We met the vicar on Sunday and I haven?t slept well again since then. The service will be on 22 December.

We?ve yet to hear from the hospital about our follow-up appointment. We were told 6-8 weeks but I?m not overly optimistic it will be before Christmas now. I might ring this week to ask.

So that?s where we are now. I have been reading your posts and it helps to know there are others out there who have been through what we have and understand.

Spilt - have seen your news. Congratulations and really hope everything is ok.

Think I'd better leave it there for tonight!

X