Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

How is everyone getting on?

Hello MrsB - so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad you are starting to feel better - good luck with TTC

Hi spilt - hope you are okay

I've been a bit down over the last few days - quite tearful and feeling that hopeless kind of feeling again.
I'm due to go back to work on Tuesday so not sure if it is that. I'm still undecided whether I should be going back. My friends and family keep saying make sure you are ready to go back - but how do you know if you are ready?
Last week I thought I was, but now I'm not so sure.
AF still hasn't appeared which is really frustrating me (its 36 days now) and no symptoms to indicate it might be imminent.
I'm wondering if the tearfulness over the last few days might be PMT and it is on its way - hope so.
Hope you are all okay and having a nice weekend xx

ilove ((hugs))

It is so hard the way it gets easier and then harder again. You feel like you might be getting more able to cope and then wham suddenly you're back in the depths again.

I know the aching hopelessness you describe. I wish I could say something to reassure or to comfort you but there isn't anything is there?

If you aren't sure you're ready I would say take some more time. It's easier to stay off than it is to go back and then need to stop again.

I am pissed off now, I am ovulating today or tomorrow (I'm charting and it all checks out, + OPK, EWCM, soft open cervix) and I can't sodding well act on it. I feel like my hands are tied

Thanks spilt.
Thats a shame on the TTC front - is that because the consultant told you to wait?
Must be very frustrating.
At least you know your body is back to normal and everything is working properly so when you get the all clear you can get stuck in straight away.

How are you feeling about work after last week?

Yes. I'm waiting to hopefully build up enough toxoplasma antibodies. Another 4 months to waste...

Work wise I've reduced what I was intending to do and am going to do Mon, Weds and Fri mornings. I think that'll be ok. If I'm honest I can't be arsed with it either just now. It feels so pointless. Like everything. I'm nervous but think half days will be so much better.

Hello everyone
Hope you have all had a relaxing weekend, wrapped up warm.

Well I got my first AF today so I'm feeling quite pleased. It explains why I've been feeling so emotional recently.
I like the fact that it is Day 1 of a new cycle - makes me feel hopeful for the first time in ages.

Hello all,

Hope everyone is ok in this cold spell. The scarves and gloves are definately out.

split, shame about the 4 month wait, but maybe by then you will feel stronger.

iloveblue Good luck for work, and glad you are feeling hopeful.

I havent told my full story to you but I feel I can now. I am 37 and I have 2 DC, DS1 17 and DS2 10.

When I found out I was expecting our 3rd baby it was a total shock as my husband had a vasectomy 4 years ago!

It turned out that he was 'a late failure' one or both tubes had rejoined. 1 in 2000 chance.

So after thinking and feeling that our family was complete, the shock came. It took a while to get our heads around this but we very quickly did and were very happy about our little surprise as were our boys and both our families.

However as you know our 2nd shock came at the 20 week scan and the bad news that we had lost our special baby, I feel so very guilty at not wanting another baby when I first found out I was pregnant but now I'd give everything and anything to have our little one back.

Time is helping but do people think that "the baby wasnt planned so she must be ok? cos I'm not. I feel so grateful for my boys but so sad that our baby will be missing from our family, We have a feeling she was a girl but will never know. We will always love her or him.

So I wish I could join you both as you move on and TTC, but even though Dh and I would now love another I don't think we will go down that road again.

Thanks for sharing your story littlewish, it is very poignant - I'm so sorry you lost your special baby.

I'm not going back to work this week, for a variety of reasons. My AF is very heavy and painful (did anyone else find this with their first one?). We've also got the memorial service on Wednesday evening and not sure if I want to be facing work the next day.

How are you getting on at work this week split?

ilove glad your AF turned up, grim though it sounds. My first one was actually ridiculously light - only 3 days of light-medium flow (usually heavier and longer) followed by random spotting for about another 5 days.

Interestingly I have since read (in "Taking Charge of your Fertility"):

"postmenstrual bleeding/spotting... it is probably caused by irregular shedding of the endometrium and small fragments of endometrial tissues. It is almost always thought to be a result of a sub-optimal luteal function in the prior cycle." pg 227

Given that the prior cycle was my WTF one and only had a 7 day LP that would seem like a reasonable explanation. Hopefully this time will be more normal.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow evening. I hope the service is sensitively done and is a comfort to you as a way of acknowledging your little baby.

littlewish thank you for telling us your story. I am amazed at how you got pregnant in such unlikely circumstances and then lost your special baby so unusually as well (I think the chances of loss at our stage are about 1%). What a difficult time you have had, coming to terms with such a surprise and then such a shock. I'm so sad that your baby years have to end like this.

I wouldn't think it would be easier because the baby was unplanned. I expect it's different. As you say, you struggle with guilt and regrets over not having been initially delighted with your pregnancy. It leaves you in a tough place with respect to the future - now you know you wanted that baby but trying again is not really in the plan. That must leave a lot of unfulfilled maternal feelings and I do feel for you. It sounds very hard.

At least for ilove and me we have the goal of ttc (albeit after a delay in my case) as something to give hope, if that makes sense? If I knew this was the end there would be a whole extra type of grief to go through. Not sure how much sense I am making. I too struggle with guilt about being so negative about the pregnancy. Bobbie was planned and wanted but I HATED being pregnant. It was awful. I was awful. I have never been so sick and tired. I regret wishing it away and failing to enjoy it. I also dread doing it again, but would do so willingly.

Work was ok yesterday (just a half day) and I was feeling reasonably positive when I left. Then DH phoned to say his boss is sick and work asked can he stand in and go in his boss's place to a conference on the continent, requiring 2 nights away, 2 hour motorway trip to airport, flights etc. WAAAAH! No! He got how upset I was about it and has said no and someone else is going instead. Made me realise how fragile I feel. The idea of being left alone was scary

I am so sorry, I had no idea I had written quite such an essay again. Concise is a concept I have yet to learn...

Hi split
Don't worry about the essay
I'm glad work went well for you yesterday. I've just spoken to GP over the phone who was very understanding and has signed me off for another week.
I am quite determined to go back next week. I was prepared to be there this week really but I'm so glad I'm not as having bad cramps and heavy bleeding is very uncomfortable.
The weather is also awful here - snowing heavily as I write.
DS2 also has tonsilitis and our car has just conked out! So not a good week to be going back to work, all in all!

I'm glad your DH was able to turn down the conference

I told him later that his passport might have been in grave danger of going on the fire

I don't think I would have dared but it made him laugh - he had no wish to go either.

Glad your GP has sorted that for you. Our car has also snuffed it - dead battery. Must be the weather.

Don't quite know why I blurted all my story out like that, but 2010 is a year I will never forget, very emotional and lots of 'why us?' questions. Everyone said the baby was 'meant to be', but then after our bad news they were saying 'it wasn't meant to be '. I have heard of vasectomy failures but they happen to other people!, and losing a baby at 20 weeks shouldn't happen to me either! Both blinkin did

I am trying to enjoy the boys we have but the loss of our little one has been heartbreaking. Life can throw so much stuff at you when you least expect it.

Glad you both ok. Good idea about the passport spilt

Will think of you Wednesday iloveblue We didn't have the option of a little service, we had rubbish care and a pretty awful experience all round, another 'why us?'

Keep warm

Oh littlewish . I get really upset by the "it wasn't meant to be" thing. Yes it was! But something terrible happened. Maybe I am being excessively touchy, but the "wasn't meant to be" line sounds like a platitude that means they think the loss isn't too bad and was just to be expected. Take care of yourself.

ilove I hope you are ok this morning.

I had a really good day yesterday and felt positively cheerful for the first time in, well, a couple of months. Then today...
Cat is wounded (massively swollen paw, can't walk, yelps when touched) and needs to go to the vet. DH has gone to work. I was supposed to be working this morning but my car is broken. It is beeping at me, flashing the engine coolant warning light and smells of burning (I think it just needs more coolant, but funnily enough I have none of that...)
So I am stuck here with a sad, sick animal

On the bright side I can keep an eye on him, and I don't have to battle the ice, but it's hard seeing him look so sad and I can't take him to the vet. DH is going to phone for an appointment once they're open and then hopefully nip home to take him.

Hope your little cat is ok.

Cars - I wouldn't have a clue about any flashing lights, not a very modern woman am I. Very traditional household here, he sees to the car I iron.

I only know what the light meant because I looked in the manual and matched the picture. Then went and turned the engine off. I don't want to catch fire!

Cat has seen the vet, had his paw bathed and a load of pus came out (infected) and he's had antibiotic and anti inflammatory injections. Hopefully it will heal up now. At least he's eaten something now too.

The bereavement MW has just been and we had a good talk. I only realised when she left that I'd kept her 1h30 . It was really good actually to talk through lots of things, the consultant visit, the toxoplasma, the return to work, ttc (or not!), my job uncertainty etc etc. Also to talk about some of the things I've been struggling with, like am I a parent? Bobbie is my first so I don't have other children, it's just her and sometimes I wonder if I am a mother or not

PS I don't iron either

Glad your cat is on the mend spilt, and its nice that you've been able to have a good talk with the midwife.
I'm glad you are feeling more positive - I know it sounds silly but you sound much brighter!

I'm hoping we can get to the hospital later for the memorial service - my Mum rang last night to say she can't drive her car in the snow (she is meant to coming to sit with the boys) and we can't go and get her as our car is out of action, so not sure what we're going to do. Still lots of snow here at the moment. And I'm fed up of being cold - we have quite an old house and the kitchen is like a fridge!

It doesn't sound silly. You're right, I have been a lot bright these last few days. Perhaps last week was especially crap what with doing too much work and having the consultant to worry about.

I hope you've managed to get out to the service tonight, and if you have that it's been healing.

We couldn't get to the service unfortunately. Have mixed feelings really - I wanted to be there and am feeling quite sad about not making it, and not being there on the night our baby is remembered.
It runs every month and we can go along to any of the services so we are hoping to make the next one.
We have also decided that we are going to have our own little ceremony maybe near the due date. We'd already decided to buy a tree so might incorporate the planting too.

I feel like I might be coming down with something - felt I bit off all day, so going to have an early night. I hope there isn't anymore snow tonight - I'm fed up of it now!

Just noticed the christmas smilies

So sorry you couldn't make the service ilove, but nice that you can go to the next one. We will carry our babies in our hearts, we will love and remember them forever.

Hope you feel better soon. So many germs around at this time of year. I'm coughing too. We haven't had a flake of snow here, feel a bit left out. Very cold though.

spilt - Good to see you managed to have a chat about everything with your bereavement MW. Hope today is a good day for you.

Glad cat is ok too

How are you feeling ilove? There's so many bugs going round. So sorry that you couldn't get to the service. I hope you managed to have a few moments that evening anyway to think about it all and remember your baby.

Had a good day actually. I worked this morning which went fine and had my first ever smear test this afternoon

It had it's embarrassing moments though - I mentioned my recent delivery which she noted but was willing to go ahead with the smear. We talked about Bobbie for the couple of mins while she did the smear and then when I was getting dressed I commented:
"Everyone says smears are terrible, but it's really not THAT bad."
Nurse: "I'm not sure terrible is the right word - but it is a bereavement isn't it?"

Oh God. She completely misheard/still had mind on previous conversation and thought I was gleefully saying giving birth to my dead baby was not THAT bad . I was confused for a few moments and then too embarrassed to correct her & repeat my ACTUAL comment, so she must think I am so heartless!

Also got my next set of thyroid test results. It has gone from not normal and a matter to be looked into to textbook normal. No treatment along the way. I am baffled and wonder if something weird was happening in the pregnancy? At least she agreed that I should get it regularly checked through pregnancy to be sure.

I've been prescribed iron though as whilst my haemoglobin is good, my ferrotin (long term iron stores) are a bit on the feeble side. So 210mg of iron a day
Pass me the laxatives!

Hopefully soon I will be fit and ready for another try...

Glad you've had a good day spilt.
And well done for having your first smear - I'm due one actually but can't go and get one if we're TTC.

That must have been an awkward moment - maybe it was one of those situations where she realised she had misheard but was also too embarrassed to say anything

That does sound strange about thyroid results - but it is one less thing for you to worry about.

I'm okay - got a cold and a slight sore throat, and very tired. Been up in the night with DS2 (who has tonsilitis) for the last 4/5 nights and its starting to take its toll.
Just realised its just over 3 weeks till Christmas and I've still got loads of presents to organise - the last few weeks have just flown by.

I'm thinking of ringing the hospital/bereavement services tomorrow to see if any of our test results are in. Its 6 weeks tomorrow and havn't heard anything - I'm pretty sure they said 6-8 weeks but it might be worth chasing up.

How are you feeling these days ilove? I hope DS is on the mend. Did you get anywhere with the hospital?
And littlewish how are you? I saw you on Cheese's thread

After a better few days where I was starting to give a little bit of a toss about life, I had a bit of a rubbishy day at work again yesterday. Nothing to do with work, I was just having a hard day, so I left early and went via the cemetery to go and sit with Bobbie and talk to her. It's absolutely beautiful there just now. There's a heavy frost on all the grass and trees and everything is shades of silver and white and so very quiet and peaceful. I sat with her just under the big holly tree for a long time and told her how much I'd looked forward to feeling her wriggle and kick, to spending early maternity leave on the sofa with my bump, to building the birth pool and her being born in it infront of the fire, hearing her first cry, feeling her first breath, seeing her open her eyes and look at me for the first time. I miss her and I miss what might have been.

Yes it's desperately sad when I remember all the things I was looking forward to, but also it's soothing and almost peaceful? The "memories" of my hopes are happy and loving ones, but tinged with sadness because they will never be.

I'm feeling quite absorbed in it all and quite reflective at the moment.

Hi spilt yes I posted on Cheese's thread - what a very sad time for them, just awful.

I'm feeling quite blue at the moment. I've been crying again the last few days, it's because Christmas is getting closer. Our Christmas tree has gone up (DH and DS2 put it up I didn't want to know) it's made me feel sad. This Christmas just won't be the same for me because baby is missing now. He or she should be wrapped up warm now in my arms. I've bought presents for the boys and I feel upset because baby won't have anything. I dread hearing the 'All I want For Christmas' Mariah Carey song. I haven't dropped hints for anything this year it just doesn't feel right wanting fancy perfume or new jeans there's only one thing I want for christmas and I know I won't be getting it.

Dh and I were in M&S yesterday he picked up a red shiny tree bauble "that's a nice one" he said. He turned it around and it said Baby's First Christmas. We couldn't believe it. He put it down as if it was red hot.

I know what you mean when you say you are feeling absorbed by it all, and picturing how things would be if everything had turned out as we had hoped.

Hope you are ok too ilove

Feel better for writing all that down, thanks for asking spilt. What would I do without mumsnet and the girls on here to listen and share my feelings with, it has been a great help to me.