Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi clare
Of course you can join in - I do remember you posting before the delivery.
I'm glad the delivery went as well as can be expected but I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
Petal is a lovely name .

It's nearly 8 weeks now since we lost our baby (also at 20 wks) so I'm at a similar stage as you.
We were also told 6-8 wks for results to come in. I rang on Monday (you may have read my earlier post) and was told it will probably be another 4 weeks. It seems a very drawn out process. I would definitely ring though - I feel better knowing not to rush to check post every morning and having a timeframe in mind.

I can imagine that organising the funeral is hard and is bringing lots of emotions back. I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks. x

Hello clare So sorry you too have lost a precious baby. Petal is a very lovely name. To lose your first baby like this is heartbreaking and just so sad and unfair.

We did not have a funeral as the hospital dealt with the burial. I do regret that, but it felt ok at the time.

Keep posting how you feel here on mumsnet. I feel it has helped me lots to talk to others who know how awful it all is. It can be easier on here than in RL where no-one really wants to discuss things too deeply.

I too am thinking of you, Christmas stuff just doesnt help either does it, x

Hi Claire, I am so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of Petal. Im glad the delivery went as well as it could.
Waiting for results is horrible and can be a long drawn out process for not really many answers (in my case anyway).

I lost my daughter 5 mths ago at 31+5 weeks. Those first few weeks and months are incredibly difficult, emotional and lonely.

I hope this thread can give you the comfort and understanding i found when i desperately needed someone who just knew how i felt without having to explain everything.

Im thinking of you and your Husband over this incredibly difficult time. Much love to you both xx

Hi Clare, I remember talking to you just before Petal was born. I'm so sorry you have been through this too and have to join us I hope the funeral you are planning will be very special and give you some peace, although I can completely understand how unsettled it's making you feel just now. Are you planning a burial or a cremation?

I'm going through a bit of a weird phase - just so ANGRY. Yesterday I tried to write Christmas cards (only 5 mind!) and became completely enraged and wanted to throw the whole bloody lot in the bin. It made me so mad trying to write "Have a lovely Christmas"... because I so desperately wanted to add "... ours will be shit actually". I only swore in one of the cards I actually posted though .
I also hate signing the cards just from me and DH when we have a daughter. I half want to put from Spilt, DH, Bobbie and bump xx

I'm being driven mad by the cards we keep receiving from people who KNOW that we buried our daughter in October and they all just say "Have a wonderful Christmas" and it seems so completely insensitive. What's so hard about writing something a bit more appropriate like "Thinking of you this Christmas"?

I also had to buy and send a new baby card to a friend (baby girl too ) and that really upset me. We'd been all excited about both being pregnant and here she is with her newborn, and here I am with a baby grave.

The mixed bag of feelings with this pregnancy are hard too. We told our parents a couple of days ago that I am pregnant and they were all really pleased which is lovely. But I'm all of a fret too. Bobbie's just dropped off their radar. It's like that was a sad episode but hurray a new baby on the way, then everything will be fine. But it's not at all is it? I'm still grieving for my little girl and being pregnant again doesn't fix that, I still want my Bobs back.

Does this make any sense?

Thanks for all your messages and nice that you think Petal is a pretty name. We chose it because my mum had been calling her that for the last few weeks before we lost her and once she arrived it seemed poignantly appropriate - beautiful but just too delicate for this world.

littlewish - yes finding some of the Christmas stuff upsetting, especially some of the songs they wheel out at this time of year like the Mariah Carey one you mentioned before. I could hear Stay Another Day on a radio at work yesterday and started to well up. Shopping has also been hard. I am still kind of looking forward to Christmas Eve and the day itself as my mum and dad are coming to us in our new house and as they live a couple of hours away it wil be nice to have them with us and a welcome distraction but it will be tinged with sadness.

Spilt - We're having a cremation. I can't bear to think of either option really and did start to wonder if our choice is the right one but I think that's just because I don't want to have to do either. Before all this happened I'd always preferred the idea of cremation but it's easier when it's just an abstract thing that you might one day have to think about. Now we're the ones actually planning it it feels like such a big responsibility, and it's not like we know what Petal would want us to do like with an older relative. Deep down, I think it's the right choice for us. It's been organised by the hospital chaplain, who has been very helpful to us. Her ashes will be scattered in a special area for babies at the local crematorium. There is a girl statue and a boy one, so she'll be with other babies around the little girl one.

What you said all makes sense. I'm feeling really, really sad and dejected this week, rather than very angry although it does all feel very, very unfair.

X

Clare I hope this is ok to say - one of the reasons I think Petal is a sweet name is because one of cats is called Petal and she is a very pretty and small animal. She was very very frightened and shy of people when we first got her and we had to be so incredibly gentle with her to draw her out of herself and encourage her to come to us.

The baby area at the crematorium sounds thoughtfully done. I always felt the opposite to you and struggled with the idea of cremation and so we had a burial, but I can appreciate why cremation feels right to you. I hope you're treated sensitively.

Thanks for telling I'm not going mad... the strength of emotions can sometimes be really overwhelming and hard to cope with. The incredible physical weight of sadness some days or the mad rage on others, or sometimes the numb low-ness. Tis hard.

Also I now have job woes too. Today I got told about our department restructure and basically I am one of 4 who have to apply for 2 jobs, applications in by end Jan. So 50:50 I will be made redundant. I just can't be arsed with it all really. Assuming this baby sticks I shall be secretly crossing my fingers for redundancy as I would then have to leave in June/July (EDD 21st August). For now though the uncertainty is just extra stress.

Sorry to hear about the job situation spilt - it can't be easy dealing with all that as well.
I love the way you called Bobbie Bobs just before - I know you've worried in the past about whether you are still classed as a mother after losing your only child, you just proved it then - thats exactly the kind of thing a Mum would say.

Clare you sound like a strong lady - love the meaning behind Petal's name, it does fit perfectly.

Badger - have you had your scan yet? Didn't you say it was this week?

ilove I did have my scan. I was so nervous beforehand i had convinced myself it had died and i was just going to get confirmation again but no it still has a heartbeat .
The scan team were absolutely wonderful and checked everything again and again, they even let us see the baby in 3D and tried to get a picture for us but it kept putting its hand over its face.

The sonographer even asked if we wanted to know the sex but then couldnt get a clear picture to confirm but i dint think she would have asked if she hadnt seen anything and me and my husband swear we saw a willy.

I know this sounds awful but i will be so relieved if it is a boy as i know i can carry them to term with no problems. Im so so nervous incase i have another girl at the min... I know it had nothing to do with Freya's sex that she died but it will make it that tiny bit easier... hopefully.

spilt I cant believe you work are adding extra stress to you at the min.

As for the Christmas cards i have refused to write them unless i can add my daughters name to them (so only to close family and friends). i will not leave her off as she will always be a part of my little family.

DH dad and stepmother have even bought Freya a little present, which i opened in private and cried, its her own little decorative christmas tree that we will get out every year and put next to her urn.

How is everyone doing today?

Badger I'm so glad your scan went well. They sound lovely! I've never had a 3D ultrasound but the pics are amazing. I bet that was really special. I'm also amazed that they can do the sex at 12 weeks... you must have a high tech hospital. Ours still need you to drink 2 pints before all scans due to the old scanners. That's at the little community hospital, but I think this time I'll have some scans and AN appointments at Gloucester proper hospital, so maybe we'll get some 3D stuff too? I'm supposed to be having a scan at 6-7 weeks and am a bit nervous about the possibility of it being internal!

I can understand why you'd be relieved to be having a boy, I've heard other people say the same thing after losing a baby. As you say it's not necessarily logical but it seems a very normal response.

That's so lovely of your FIL and his wife. I bet you were touched.

I POAS again today after 2 whole days of restraint. The line is now lovely and dark and very comforting

And the slightly bonkers eating has commenced. Lunch today is a massive bowl of roast potatoes with apple sauce, gravy and salt. And bacon sandwich for starters. Mmmm crispy potatoes, animal fat and salt!

Hi all, glad to hear you've had a happy scan badger little boys are fun!

Lunch sounds delicious spilt, beats my cheese and branston sandwich! Hope you are feeling well.

Agree with you all about the flippin Christmas cards, I used to doodle writing all our names out when we were trying to decide on names for our little one. I was looking forward to writing cards a few months back with a new name added. No one has mentioned anything in the cards we have received either, it's all so taboo, makes me mad.

I put a childs toy in a collection box in the shopping centre yesterday for local children who don't have much at Christmas. I did it in memory of my baby and I hope to do it every year. It made me feel sad but happy too IYKWIM.

Sorry your job is looking uncertain spilt. Could you afford to be a SAHM for a while?

I'm feeling fine thanks littlewish, just have a huge appetite at the moment (which will shortly be completely compensated for by nausea... fingers crossed!)

It's a lovely idea about the toy donation.

Re the job, yes we are in the lucky position that losing my job is not a disaster. The hope was always that I would SAH when the children are little (assuming nothing happens to DH's job obviously), so yes if I got made redundant around the time I left for mat leave it would be fine.

ilove thanks for your message, it meant a lot.

I hope you're all getting through the day ok xx

So glad your scan went well Badger - they do sound lovely.
Am I right in thinking you already have a little boy? I can say from experience that having two boys is a complete joy!
What will the age gap be between your two?
There's 22 months between mine and, yes, it was hard work to start with but they are very close as a result.
I can also understand your relief if it is a boy - I will be the same if we find out we lost a little girl (we didn't find out and should find out when we get PM results).

Littlewish I think I'm going to steal your idea of donating a toy - its a lovely thought.

I finished today for Christmas holidays - so am off for a few weeks now.
I had a wobbly moment today at school - saw a teacher who I didnt even know was pregnant with quite a big bump. Think she is probably about the same number of weeks or a bit less than I should have been, as it wasn't noticeable before I went off sick. It really shocked me how sad and tearful it made me feel - I had to quickly pull myself together as I had a lesson to teach a few minutes later.
I've also had to deal with quite a few difficult phonecalls from parents this week - moaning about problems that have arisen while I've been off (no homework being set/tests not marked etc) and I just wanted to shout at them and say 'Do you know why I've been off - take it up with the Head, I wasn't here, I was in hospital losing my baby'.
I think I've caught your anger spilt.
So even though I've only been back for two weeks, I'm ready for the break.

I'm still not as excited about Christmas as I usually am - but am trying to get into the spirit of it.
I find it really hard to listen to music at the moment ? havn?t put any on of my own accord since for 8 weeks. Has anyone else found this?
I might try and put some Christmassy music on tomorrow.

Hi everyone,

Sorry to hear about your job worries Spilt. My husband is in a similar position and it is a real worry - found out just a couple of weeks after we lost Petal. Trying not to think about it until if and when we have to.

Badger, so glad to hear your scan went well. I can't imagine how anxious you must have been beforehand. I was pretty nervous this time and feel like I was always afraid to get too attached in case something was wrong.

I'm terrified about how I'm going to feel next time. It makes me feel very sad and angry that any innocence I had about being pregnant has been lost forever and my experience will now never be the same as those who sail through a normal healthy pregnancy.

Had an awful night last night - in tears as soon as I got into bed and then couldn't sleep. I've been worse this week than at any time since it all happened. I think it's because I feel so terribly sad about the funeral next week. It's like a lead weight inside me.

We have found a beautiful poem for the service, that I thought you all might find conforting.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Anyway, one more day of work and then the weekend. Am looking forward to a rest and the final of Strictly.

X

clare that is a very touching poem, I like it a lot.

I found the hardest part of the day was bed time for many months. My pillow would be wet as I could cry silently without worrying that the children would see me crying again and dh wouldn't notice my red eyes.

Hopefully you will feel a little better after the funeral, it will be one less thing to worry about. I'm also so sorry that as you say the innocence of an easy pregnancy has been taken from you.

ilove - I find music makes me really emotional. I have the radio on all day when I'm home alone, there are so many songs in 2010 that will remind me of the baby. Especially songs that were in the charts in the summer when I lost our little one. I have written a list and popped it in my memory box, as a little extra way of remembering in years to come.

I'm off now to sort out work as it snowed last night which has caused school closures.

Take care all x

Gorgeous poem, Clare. We read it at Bobbie's burial. It's just so fitting for our circumstances.

clare That is a beautiful poem.
I can remember how awful the build up to the funeral was. I was panic stricken the night before and kept crying and telling everyone i couldnt do it.
The day of Freyas funeral i woke up a completely different person, much calmer and wanting to make my little girls day the best it ever could be.
We had a wake after where my mum, sister and friend had been up all night making bunting with Freyas name on. It was so beautiful and helped make the day a little girls special day rather than a funeral and wake. Iv kept the bunting and will be bringing it out every year for Freyas birthday.

ilove You are right i do have a little boy The gap between them will be 27mths and im sure they will be great friends.
When do you get your PM results?
As for the parents at your school i think you are a saint to have not lost your temper with them. Since all this happened i find have have very little patience with people moaning about ridiculous, unimportant things. (Obviously its important to them but come on...)

spilt I had an early scan at 6 weeks and they managed to get a view abdominally with the rubbish old school scanners so you may be lucky. The brilliant scanners at my hospital only seem to be used by the baby loss team which is a shame but one of the main reasons im refusing to leave London until i have had all of my children.

littlewish The toy donation idea is brilliant and i think i will be stealing it too.

xx

Hello everyone

Going to be a busy week for all of us I'm sure, so just wanted to say Merry Christmas - I hope it is as joyful for you as it can be.
xxx

Just incase i dont get the chance to come on.

I hope the Christmas holidays are as kind as they can be and ill be thinking of everyone over this hard time.

xxx

Thinking of you all this Christmas.

Be nice to yourselves, we have all had a very difficult year and experienced a very sad time in our lives.

Give extra hugs to those who you love x

Have a cry if you need to, next year will hopefully feel a little better x

It's like breaking up for the holidays!

Girls you have all been wonderful support over the past couple of months and I am so grateful for your many messages and listening ears and general understanding.

I am fully expecting Christmas to be very tough and I will be thinking of you all over this time - especially littlewish as your baby should actually be here for Christmas.

... and as a nice festive gesture my cat has murdered a blackbird and brought the body back for dismemberment on the lounge carpet. Either it's a generous present or he feels as bah humbug as I do!

Take care all, keep posting if you have time x

Wishing you all well as everybody's said above.

Will be a tough week us but feel a little calmer about it all than I did this time last week. Maybe similar to what you said Badger - now I just want our goodbye to be us nice as it can be. I think maybe I've just accepted it a bit more now. This time last week I didn't want to have to face it at all. Now I think I have recognised that there will never be a right time to do this but it does need to be done - our little girl needs to be properly at peace now.

X

Will be thinking of you tomorrow clare - hope it all goes to plan. xxx

Im thinking of you today clare
I hope Petals day goes as well as it can.

Lots of love xxx