Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi had the meeting with the consultant and everything came back normal from all the tests they ran. To all intense purposes noone can explain what went wrong. Placenta OK, Organs OK, Chromosomes normal healthy boy, bloods and swabs all normal, infection screen normal. So no answer. Have been told next time they will scan me more often but no answer.

ilove hope all is going well

blue sorry you have joined this thread. I lost my little boy at 20 weeks on the 14th of May. Everything seemed to be going well and at a routine appt picked up no heartbeat.

sabine know what you mean about the ashes. We have picked his up and were going to scattered in a nearby wood but doesn't feel right yet

kite hope work going ok

sorry if I have missed anyone off

How are you feeling about that lemon? I remember being warned that it was quite common for no reason to be found so got my head sort of round that and was expecting to be told they didn't know... it was then such a shock when they told us there was a reason, I didn't know how to take it in. It's hard whatever they say
Are you hoping to ttc again?

Glad your DH is with you blue. What did the MW say to you? In our area the postnatal visits are done by a team of community MWs and I had a different one each time, so hopefully you'll get someone you like better for the next visit.

badger How are you feeling? And how is the little one doing? Work is taking my mind off things for sure, first day back a bit tough...
split I'm on a PGCE, so not really such a thing as a phased return! :S Mind you..nothing like 30 or so 8 yr olds to keep you distracted. I am on reduced lessons tho, which is helping. It's been hard, but mainly because there is another teacher there pregnant (same due date as I was) and people just ask her about her scans, due date, how she's feeling etc in front of me. I'm probably just being oversensitive. Mind you..the fact it's Bonny Baby week this week isn't helping. You almost have to laugh actually. I am positively surrounded by babies, women having babies, women talking about babies, kids having baby brothers and sisters....it's the life of a primary school. I don't have much choice tho, because I've missed 3 weeks and obviously schools finish soon..technically I should have completed my course today...but got another 2 weeks to do They put me in a new school tho, so new class of kids and new adults to work with. I just couldn't face going back to my old school and explaining to 32 7/8yrs where my baby had gone :(
Glad it's not just me then re. disaster fears etc..i seriously think i'm losing my mind at times...starting to think everything is going to go wrong. We have our graduation ball tomorrow...I think I will go, just hope it's all not too awkward.
Thanks everyone for asking how I am anyways....you have ALL really helped me in these first few horrid weeks.
Can i ask any of you...how long til i get my period again? And what's the first one like?:S

Hi kite Im doing well thanks, got a bit of a hormone crash going on at the min so a bit tearful and today is the 1st birthday birthday of a friends angel baby so it brings it all back again.
Elke is doing really well. Cant believe she is 9 days old today

As the the disaster fears, i had that too. I was convinced my husband would die everytime he left the house and started panicking if he was late home from work. I made him phone or text constantly to keep my sanity.

My periods came back about 5/6weeks after i lost Freya and was pretty much a normal period. I was expecting to have a really heavy one but it never happened.

Hope your graduation ball goes well.

Hope everyone is doing well xx

Hi Badger haven't had the chance yet to congratulate you with your little girl! Enjoy!
Can I ask? Elke doesn't sound very English? I'm Belgian so it sounds very familiar to me

Thank you blue. Me and my husband have a thing for scandinavian names and it came up on a search we did and i fell in love

How are you doing? I remember how hard it is at the beginning. Im glad your husband is off with you this week as i remember i hated being alone with my thoughts.

I love Scandinavian names as well... I speak a bit of Swedish
Malin and Lotta are on my girls names list, as well as Kerstin.

we're taking it day by day... going to a Sands fundraiser event tomorrow as a day out... DD is looked after by a friend.

Am not sure split. I am really angry if everything is normal then why did he die. I knew that they might not find an answer, but was sort of hoping for some kind of explanation. This is my second miscarriage and I still do not have any living children. I do not think I could cope with another miscarriage at the moment. I am still being told that I am being unreasonable for not going to my BIL wedding on our due date. So am just having a bad couple of days.

Badger am glad that everything is going well with Elke.

How is everyone else doing today?

spilt can I ask? did you ttc straight away again?
We went to the shop this afternoon and DH said when we were halfway back, oh I forgot to look for condoms...
I said why do we need them? He said he wanted to give my body time to heal...
I said physically there is nothing wrong with me...
I would like to try again straight away. or should we wait until we get the results from the postmortem? such difficult decisions

blue we waited until I had my first period (which was about 5-6 weeks after the birth) and then started to ttc. I'm glad we waited until then as my body was a bit daft in that first 5-6 weeks, ovulated at a very unpredictable time and then had just a 6-7 day luteal phase which would probably not have been enough for conception anyway so it would have been wasted effort for us!

I posted on the conception thread about what happened with respect to basically getting pregnant and then finding out about the infection which had probably ended the first pregnancy. If I was facing this again then with my sensible hat on I would choose to wait until I had the postmortem results. But tbh I was just desperate to be pregnant again and I'm not sure the sensible head would have won. Also it was horrible being recommended to wait for 6 months because of my infection. "How??!" was the only thought in my head... how on earth to stay sane and patient for 6 months before I could even try... waiting for the first period was hard enough. It felt a bit like being sentenced to limbo.

I did do a bit of googling before we started trying again to see common causes of second trimester loss and found the sort of info on that link. I fully expected them not to know what had happened, and if that was the case, couldn't see any advantage in waiting. It was a shock to find out there actually was a reason for us. I felt really guilty and scared that our impatience might have caused this baby huge problems.

If you do ttc straight away, bear in mind that your body has just done a fairly substantial chunk of being pregnant and may be a bit depleted in some minerals like iron especially so make sure you're eating enough iron rich foods etc.

Very hard decision. Good luck making it!

lemon I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Wishing you a gentler few days again. I had a horrible feeling your family would be gits over the wedding. Awful to bully you over that when you are grieving for your baby. That day has all the significance of a first anniversary of a bereavement and it is really rubbish that they can't understand that. What does your DH feel?

I remember hoping for the "we don't know" result because I kept telling myself if they couldn't find a reason then there is no reason to think this will happen again. But on the other hand I can completely see that finding no reason must leave you frightened that they have no idea how to try and protect your next baby.

Kitesurfgirl it's a bit how long is a piece of string about periods. Mine turned up after 5/6 weeks and was quite light. How was the graduation ball?
You're not being oversensitive finding it hard when people talk about your colleague's pregnancy. Can you escape from those sorts of situations at all? Even if you do just go to the loo/to grab a drink? Someone very helpfully said to me many months ago "just don't put yourself through it. Most people will be understanding, but if they don't understand why you can't manage the event/writing christmas cards/whatever it is then who cares quite honestly. You've got enough to cope with." Very liberating moment when I realised I could actually back out of most things if I wanted to.

Badger I hope you're feeling a bit better and those hormones are stabilising a bit x

ilove how are you?

Am less angry today. I think there was all of these so now you can try again comments from family. I think that they forget 5-6 weeks ago I was being induced. I just think they forget he was a baby. It is still too raw for me. My DH is not saying yes or no to this wedding. He would like to go but not if it means I am an emotional wreak. Last time I miscarried we had a family weekend away 2 weeks later and I was a wreak because of it. Everything is so structured we did not get any alone time. I think this will be the same only worse. One of my friends said I shouldn't stop him going to his brothers wedding and another told me it was a shame I was stopping him going. I do not think people realise that to me I lost my son not a ball of cells. But I think it is hard for people to relate to unless they have been through it. My 8 week loss was hard but this one is completely different. Sorry about the moan. Am doing OK. Just having a bad couple of days but I know I am lucky they have not said it is something that they couldn't treat.

kite hope work is going OK. Not sure about periods after this one. My ERPC 8 week loss turned up I think about 7 weeks after the operation. Not sure if that helps at all.

ilove How is everything going? Am still thinking of you and have everything crossed.

Badger how is the little one doing?

split how is maternity leave? Hope you are doing some nice things.

Hibadger graduation ball went well :) managed to make it through the whole evening smiling, although didn't stay all night! But was quite proud of myself. Had a few awkward looks off some people, who clearly knew but didn't feel like they could say anything, but I just kept my 'happy' head on. How's the little one doing now?

Period actually arrived on Saturday (so nearly 4 wks to the day) and lasted til yesterday...seemed fairly normal. Thanks all for advice tho! I know what you mean blue about feeling like you want to ttc again straight away - now that the first 4 weeks have elapsed, I'm desperate to get trying again. DH says will support whatever i decide, but doc thinks i need to wait another couple of months. Also, they have made a consultants appointment for me, because I have Factor V leiden, and doc thinks that could have had reason for mmc...he wants me monitored before i get pregnant (which i'm relieved about)

split excellent advice..i know..it seems silly to think that i actually sit there and listen to it all...I will start to just remove myself from situations I think..be a lot easier. Are you watching lots of wimbledon whilst you're off? :)

lemon hope you're feeling better about things today...I think it would be hard to go to the wedding if you know you're going to find it hard...who would that benefit? certainly not you, I think you should do what's best for you...even if it is perceived by others (who have zero idea what you're going through) as selfish or whatever. Could you DH go on his own? I think ppl should respect your feelings on this matter.

ilove any news yet? thinking of you.

hope everyone is having a nice time out in the sun.. i find sunshine always help..that and going to a beach (if you can get to one!) xx

I started spotting yesterday and have had period pains for 2 days so think my body is finally starting to realise this pregnancy is not viable. I was hoping it would be over with last night but keeps stopping and starting.

I'm feeling quite positive though as I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday.
My DH has an anxiety disorder which started just after DS2 was born.
He has had quite a few low points over the last 5 years but has had CBT and is much better at dealing with it now. Anyway, he has been on anti-depressants since he was first diagnosed, and is currently on one called Venlafaxine.
One of the first things that went through his mind when we had our late loss was the possibility that it could have been caused by the pills.
We had seen a report on the internet a while before we decided to TTC which said they could cause infertility so DH spoke to his GP who said it was fine and to go ahead with TTC.
We again asked the consultant who dealt with us in hospital after our late loss if the pills could have been a cause and again she said no.

I've put it to the back of my mind recently but was doing a bit of research earlier and found this [http://www.cchrint.org/tag/venlafaxine/ article]].
A study done last year showed that women on Venlafaxine were 110% more likely to miscarry.
Now, I know that the study was done on women and the medication may have a different affect on sperm but it has certainly raised alarm bells for us.
If it has such a massive affect on women then surely it must have a negative affect on sperm too.
He is due to come off them in September, and it is definitely something I will be researching more over the next few weeks.

kite I'm glad the ball went well and that AF has arrived. It always feels like a step in the right direction.

lemon hope you are feeling better and sorry you're getting so much hassle from your family. Its the last thing you need right now.

How are you bluetinkerbell?

How is Elke doing badger? Has it sunk in that she is finally here
I've been a bit rubbish this week so havn't posted you parcel yet. It will be winging its way to you very soon x

Hi spilt - how many weeks are you now? How are you enjoying your maternity leave?

Sorry for the mammoth post

Oh shit ilove I am sorry. How are things today?
That's very interesting about the Venlafaxine. Not sure if it's in any way relevant but apparently it takes just under 3 months to grow a sperm to maturity.

You're not moaning lemon, keep talking, that's what this place is for. A late loss like this is a real bereavement, but people do struggle to see that sometimes because they never met your son and the word "miscarriage" somehow fails to acknowledge (to me) that these are our children.

Kitesurf were you being treated for the Factor V Leiden in your pregnancy or have they only just discovered it?

Thanks to those asking, I am having quite a nice time bumming around just now. There are lots of things I wanted to get done, but somehow the days are just drifting past! oops. 32+3 now.

We started our NCT course last night. Lovely people and an interesting evening but really hard to actually process it. I just feel overwhelmed and sad as they talk through labour. Came home and cried. I couldn't tell you why, just a big sadness and heaviness. They are all so excited there, bless them. How could I casually drop into the conversation "oh yes, I know what the hospital's like because I was induced last year there after my daughter died." ? I didn't. But I feel like I was acting and that's tiring.

ilove so sorry...thinking of you x

split I've always known I was factor V..ironically i was due to see the consultant the day after we found out that the baby had no heartbeat. I was/am so annoyed that i didn't push to be seen sooner. Anyways, doc has said as soon as we're ready to ttc, he will get me booked in..idea being I won't then have to wait to be seen and hopefully treatment can be immediate. It might not have been that, but I guess Im trying to cover all bases to stop it happening again.

I just thought too...it's as if everyone on here has been robbed of having an elated happy future pregnancy too :S ....as if we know better and we worry...and other naive happy souls just get to breeze problem/worry free through the whole 9 months...Definitely not ready to go breezing round Babies r Us any time soon..

I know what you mean kite. But sometimes I wonder if I am being too harsh on them - I'm sure people who haven't lost babies have wibbles and worries too. But equally most do see 12 weeks as a done deal if they get that far and that I find very hard because I now know so many, many people now who've have later losses, all the way up to 41 weeks.
I can't really imagine bringing a baby home yet. I'm ok about preparing for the birth because I know that whatever happens this baby has to be born. I can't quite make myself see the point of reading up about breastfeeding yet though because I don't feel certain that I'll need it.
On the other hand I'm doing a reasonable line in buying stuff now - I think I'm bargaining with my credit card. Something like: look, now I've bought all this stuff I've got to have this baby ok

That's good that they are on the ball now for your treatment. Do you know what they'd do? Is it aspirin/heparin or something else?

Tough day today... did funeral arrangements this morning with funeral director. I can't really believe I actually had to sign a paper! It feels so unreal!
Then this afternoon I had the courage to go to our toddler group in church which was ok.
One of my friends who I was texting with today to meet up but couldn't arrange a time came up to me and said she needed to talk to me! She then told me that it was really bad timing but she really needed to tell me in person that she's pregnant... it wasn't planned, but I'm very happy for her. Before I lost Sterre we were always talking about pregnancies and she was always telling she wanted another one but her DH didn't.
She was just heartbroken having to tell me as her DH and DC wanted to tell everyone and she didn't want them to, as she wanted to tell me first.
Her youngest DD and mine will go to playgroup and nursery and school together.
So please let me have another one soon, so they can go to school together too!

ilove sorry for you!

Bereavement midwife is visiting tomorrow! Will be good to talk to her!

split supposed to be aspirin to begin with apparently, then it depends on what variety of factor V i have. I guess we shall see! TBH i have to almost laugh, because it is typical of me to have issues...I never get ill..but goodness me i have my share of things! Just two days before the scan i got the card to say I was rhesus negative! I wonder if this has anything to do with mc?

blue can't believe you managed to go to a toddler group straight after, you're a lot stronger than I would be i think. Well....i think that's lovely of her to tell you in person, she was probably dreading it...but isn't it always the way? Bloody awful timing.

Sorry i havent been on for a while.

ilove im so so sorry... I cant believe just how shit you have had it recently. Karma seriously needs to pull its finger out as it owes you big
Sending you and your husband big hugs xxx

blue I know what you mean about arranging the funeral feeling unreal. I couldnt get my head round the fact that i was having to cremate my daughter... Its so unnatural.
You are doing incredibly well to be able to go to a toddler group. I just couldnt face seeing anyone but my close friends and family.

kite I hated that waiting once i had had my first period. I was so desperate to be pregnant again but we had to wait 8 weeks for the bereavement midwife to arrange blood tests In the end i ended up shouting at her on the phone that if she didnt arrange them that day it would be too late as i was gonna start ttc the next day

spilt If it makes you feel any better i was exactly the same. Only concentrated on the birth as that had to be done either way. Even though ive already had my son i feel like im desperately trying to catch up on stuff i had forgotten as i couldnt bring myself to read anything before Elke arrived.
I even kept all her stuff packed away in boxes once i had bought it incase i couldnt bring her home and it would be easier to cope that way so im now slowly unpacking it and discovering what i had bought.

lemon I cant believe how unreasonable your family are being about this wedding. I would not go at all. The due date is another incredibly hard milestone to get through in your grieving process and you dont need to be trying to act fine at someones wedding.

Im slowly getting the hormones under control but im now on countdown to Freya's 1st birthday on 12th July.... God i miss her... Cant believe its been almost a year already

hi all - can i join i found out i had a mmc at my 12 week scan( 20th june 11) although i was further on but didnt get a scan date through early enough! was so excited then to be told no "heartbeat" baby passed between 9-10 weeks not sure when, but awful feeling of waking up feeling pregnant and then going to sleep knowing your not! as quick as a blink, i think when you think of miscarriage you think bleeding, cramps and pain but when its not like that your clueless about your baby has actually gone!
I read through from he start and i was crying so much seeing that this started in 2010, i also see some people are attending church so have a faith system there! "Bluetinkerbell" i cried when you said" it was part of Gods big plan for me, i saw it all very clearly yesterday why this needed to happen to me"
What did you mean if you dont mind me asking? this is my 2nd week now and i remember the time and the date like it was ermm yesterday! thankfully my bleeding has stopped which was real quick i think!

Hi Mama5 so sorry this happened to you! Sometimes I think I can see it as part of God's big plan and sometimes I think how can He be so cruel? The weeks after Easter I felt a calling but I still doubted whether it would be really for me. I've been thinking a lot about training for ordination, but the only thing I couldn't see myself do being a priest is dealing with funerals and bereavements... So they way I felt it, is that God is teaching me how to deal with it and how I can be of help to other people going through the same in the future.
I gave birth to our baby Sterre on the day you found out about your mmc.
Big hugs!

mama you story is exactly the same as mine....I was late getting a scan date, no idea anything was wrong...I was about 16 weeks (and very much chunky!) at the first scan...but no heartbeat :( baby on screen had died much earlier. That was the 27th May 11, 5 weeks tomorrow. I think the no bleeding, cramps, pain etc was exactly why it's so shocking. Until it happens to you (or someone you know) it doesn't even cross your mind that anything could be wrong if there are no 'wrong' signs. So sorry you're going through the same thing xx

badger my DH has just booked us a week away in Portugal in August..he's thinking that would be the perfect time to start trying again. I'm excited already :)...still not heard back tho from the test results..think I need to start harassing them.

So sorry for your loss.

I just want to say that generally a baby is kept for a few days so you should hopefully still be able to see baby if you change your mind. They will definitely have takes some lovely pictures and hand and foot prints. A lot of trusys have little memory boxes they give to parents to take home.
Also get in touch with Sands when you feel up to it, they provide great support for bereaved parents.