Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

can I join your thread?

We had our 20 week scan yesterday and they couldn't pick up the heartbeat. The baby only measured 16 weeks...
I've heard the heartbeat at 15w4d at my MW's appointment. I did buy a doppler as it sounded fun to have my DD (2,5) to listen to her baby brother/sister.
But since it arrived I couldn't find the heartbeat. I wasn't too worried as the MW had difficulty finding it and I didn't know how the baby was positioned. I also thought I could feel the baby move.
They gave my a pill yesterday and I will need to go in tomorrow if nothing starts happening before. I feel so scared...
They didn't tell us whether we're having a boy or girl... they stopped scanning after they couldn't find the heartbeat...

DD stayed over at friends last night so we could have some time on our own, they will look after her this weekend... we will go over for lunch later to see her.

Can I ask a few questions...?
What do I need to take to hospital with me? They didn't say anything about that...
How long will I have to stay for? Can I come home asap even after having morphine?

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. I posted almost exactly the same back in October. I remember how frightened I was and how clueless I felt.

When you go to hospital you will need most of the things you would take for any normal birth: comfy clothes for labour, flip flops, towel, shower stuff, change of clothes for coming home. Getting labour started and waiting around for them to give you the pessaries can take a while so maybe take some magazines/puzzle books/music/laptop whatever might be a helpful distraction. Take some snacks. I took my birth ball too which was helpful in the early stages.
Take your maternity notes, and also pen and paper so you can write down any questions you want to ask them - it's so hard to think straight.
Take a camera too so you can get some photos of you and your baby if you'd like to.

You will be able to go home pretty soon afterwards if you want to - as soon as the morphine has worn off really. I delivered at 13.20 and we left at about 9pm, but could have gone sooner. I was fairly out of it until about 4pm but then got up and had a shower. We spent quite a while with our baby, photoing her and holding her, and had the hospital chaplain come and do a blessing.

Just to warn you as well, they will need to talk to you tomorrow about any tests/postmortem that you might want and also any funeral arrangements. This was really tough and daunting, so if you can try and think a bit today about what you might want to do.

here is my thread from October when I lost my baby. There were several lovely people who wrote out their birth experiences and it really helped me to have an idea of what to expect. My birth story is also on there on page 2.

Please keep posting/asking questions. I'll be out most of today but will try and check back in later this evening and see how you're doing.

Wishing you lots of strength for this, it's so very very cruel xx

One other thing - if you work then it's a good idea to ask the hospital doctor to do you a sick note and sign you off for a bit. Otherwise you'll need to get to the GPs in the next few days which is a lot to have to face.

thanks all for the kind advice! I will pack a hospital bag later! I'm still lying on the sofa with my dressing gown on and our cat cuddled up to me ( I think he senses I need the cuddles)

we have decided to go for the postmortem, as I think knowing what happened will help us. I also know there is a possibility they might not find anything, but we'll deal with that when that time comes.
I haven't decided yet whether we want a cremation or a burial. I read somewhere that you might not receive any ashes... so I need to know that first. If we can have the baby's ashes we will have a cremation and scatter the ashes where we first met. If not, then we'll have a burial. I don't know how we will be able to pay for all of that, but I'm sure we'll manage.

I work as a youth and families worker in our local church and our vicar has already told me I should take time off, as much as I need. But I will ask for a sick note anyway to be 'legal'. I will see if DH wants one as well...

Hello everyone just popping by to say "hello", I was hoping to read some news about lovely Badger but no update yet I see. Hope all is well for them.

Hi spilt I've read back a bit and sooo pleased to see that all is well for you Hope the next 10 weeks fly by, I think of you all often.

ilove I hope everything is ok for you too

Hello to sabine and bluetinkerbell so sorry to hear that you too have lost precious little ones. I lost our little baby almost a year ago, we had the 20 week scan on the 1st of July 2010 where no heartbeat was found and I went on to deliver on the 5th of July, it has been a very sad time. I regret that I chose not to see or hold the baby but it felt right at the time as I was so confused and didn't know what to do for the best. I think of my baby every single day and always will. Hope time will help you both, posting here and speaking to others who have total understanding of the pain we feel also helped me a lot.

It's my DS2 birthday on 9th July and we will be having a party this year as the poor boy had a pizza on his own last year as I was in too much of a state to organise anything or have people over I feel so guilty about that!

Take care everyone

Hello everyone,

bluetinkerbell I am so sorry to hear about your baby. Please be very gentle with yourself at this very difficult time.

Sorry its taken so long to get on here only got discharged yesterday afternoon.

I went in to have Elke on Tuesday and they were so busy we ended up having the op cancelled and being given steroid injetions (as they decided on the day that she was too early to come yet just say your busy and stop making up lies)

Ended up staying overnight on the pre-labour ward so got a total of an hr and a half sleep hahaha.

Elke Florence was born at 11.26am on wed 15th June. Weighing 6lb 2oz. Im so so happy and an now can finally believe she is here to stay.

She is the spiting image of Freya which is sad but its also more comforting than i ever thought it would be.

Im in love

Thank you all so much for all your best wishes and support over the last few months xxx

blue just popping on to wish you an uncomplicated birth tomorrow and I hope you're really well looked after by the hospital and your DH. You were saying about possible burial/cremation. Just to let you know many funeral directors do this free of charge for a baby. We arranged a burial through the Co-op and they provided the casket, a beautiful white rose, transport etc all for free. Our cemetery issue baby plots for free too (which I think is quite normal), and our vicar didn't charge for holding a service. So don't worry about the costs, just do what you feel is right for you. Good luck, it will be a very hard day x

Badger I am thrilled for you MASSIVE congratulations, enjoy her, you deserve every minute of it.

littlewish lovely to see you again, I was wondering how you were doing.

Congratulations badger - such lovely news! Welcome to the world Elke x
I have pm'd you. x

Hi littlewish nice to hear from you. How are you doing?

Bluetinkerbell I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Hope it goes as gently as possible x

How are you doing spilt?

No good news from me I'm afraid, but don't want to ruin badgers lovely news, so will update you another time x

Congratulations,wonderful wonderful news badger x All my very best wishes x

ilove sending you a hug. x

bluetinkerbell thinking of you today. x

Hi all,

I gave birth to Sterre at 7.40.
Our beautiful baby sat ready to come out when they examined me. (S)he was just perfect and oh so tiny.
I'm on a drip now as placenta is playing hide and seek so not leaving here yet.
feel very calm and peaceful.
it was all part of God's big plans for me. I saw it all very clearly yesterday why this needed to happen to me!
thanks all for your kind support it means a lot to me

ilove I'm so sorry. Please do tell us about what's happened if you want to x

blue just posted on the thread in bereavement. I'm really sorry. Glad you are feeling so peaceful, I hope you can come home soon. We'll all be here if you want to talk about Sterre's birth or anything else at all x

I'm doing ok thanks ilove. Father's Day was rough on DH yesterday and he was in tears several times. I remember feeling similarly crap on mothers day. Froggy's doing well I think, still kicking away, just over 31 weeks now and crossing everything for good news for us in August.

Kitesurfgirl how's things with you? I am at your friend saying that. Some people have no idea do they? Lucky, thoughtless sods.

lemon you've gone very quiet. How are you?

Hi spilt

I had another scan on Friday - which just showed a sac, the yolk sac they had seen a week before had gone. The sac had grown but not enough apparently (although it had grown 8mm in a week, which from my research is okay).
Was offered pessaries to kick a MC off but declined - there's still a tiny bit of me that thinks it may still be alright (I have a tilted womb and it can be hard to see accurately during an early scan). Just going to let it happen naturally - have a rescan in 3 weeks. I still feel pregnant but that is normal from what I've heard.

I'm glad you're doing okay - and I hope badger's fab news has given you lots of encouragement x

Bluetinkerbell so sorry you lost little Sterre. Hope you're ok x

Bluetinkerbell Im so so sorry. I hope you are able to go home very soon. I hope you got to spend some quality time with Sterre and have now got some precious memories of your wonderful baby.

Thinking of you and your family xxx

ilove I refuse to give up on this baby. I have such a good feeling. I hope these next three weeks move quickly and you get the happy ending you so deserve.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love xxx

spilt 9 weeks to go! Wow its going so quickly. Have you thought anymore about your birth choices?

littlewish Thank you Its so lovely to hear from you again. I hope you are doing well.

kitesurfgirl and lemon I hope you are both doing as well as you can. Thinking of you lots

Badger Your happy news has made me smile :D :D Many many congratulations, what brilliant brilliant news, and what a pretty name:)

bluetinkerbell so sorry to hear about your loss...look after yourself, thinking of you.
ilove I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you xx
split i'm doing a lot better thank you...still having bad days..but starting to function again which is a relief. Even smiled and laughed some (but felt tremendously guilty straight after :( ) . It's been 3 weeks now and I'm back to work tomorrow which i am so nervous about...don't know what i'm more worried about..people giving me pitying looks, people saying the wrong thing or people saying nothing. Also I feel like I've lost all my confidence...still got the excess weight on..nothing fits...but I have started gently back at the gym.

kitesurfgirl How was your first day back at work? I hope people where gentle with you.

Bluetinkerbell Thinking of you xx

thanks! I'm home since Monday evening! Had placenta removed under general anesthetic, all seems fine now. My leg does hurt where they injected the morphine and full of bruises where they tried to get blood samples.
I'm muddling through the days... feeling ok one moment, crying the other...
Community midwife came yesterday, it was ok but I didn't know her... she arranged me 2 weeks sick leave to start with...
had some friends coming over and that was nice, we didn't talk about what happened but they were just there and kept my DD busy which was good.

ilove wow three weeks is a long time to wait but everything crossed for you. I've heard about tilted uterus's and that they can have a huge effect on what can be seen in the early days. So in 3 weeks time, how many weeks should you be?

badger how's your 1 week old little girl doing? Hope you are recovering alright from that section.

kitesurfgirl how did the first day go? I found it really tough and totally exhausting. Are you on a phased return? If it is too much or too soon don't be a hero, you can slow your return down or delay it a bit. I had to do this because I just wasn't coping and ended up having a 6 week long phase back to my full time hours (by which point I was pregnant again, morning sickness kicked in and I was back to sick days/annual leave to break the weeks up!). The lack of confidence - yes can definitely relate to that. For me it was a lot to do with a total lack of confidence in things going well/disaster not striking. Every time DH drove off somewhere I would sit gibbering and convinced he would crash and die. I couldn't be rational about risks and fears. Still can't when it comes to pregnancy and birth.
Starting to laugh again is normal and not something to feel guilty about, although I remember being the same, but it doesn't mean your grief is over or that things are "fixed" now. It's just part of learning to keep on living after going through something so horrible.

blue I'm glad you're home safely now, and sorry that you ended up needing the general to get the placenta out. The early days are so bewildering, I really feel for you. Is your DH able to be at home with you for a bit?

yeah DH is off this week. we had some nice cuddles earlier and fell asleep in each others arms watching the tennis. felt very comforting.

we also just had a good chat about the midwife who came yesterday, she was replacing our community midwife and I didn't really like her. We think she wasn't really prepared for the situation and said some really strange things.