Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

kitesurfgirl It took me until my due date (I lost my daughetr Freya at 32 weeks last July) until i could bear to look at another pregnant woman. I would cross the road if i saw one coming towards me as i was so incredibly jealous of how they got to keep their baby and i didnt.
I used to 'forget' i wasnt pregnant anymore and remember finding myself in the baby section of Tescos and having to run out of the shop before i burst into tears.

Its completely normal to feel angry and jealous, esp right at the beginning. Dont feel guilty for feeling like it either.
I think most of us felt the unbelieveable urge to be pregnant again as soon as possible too.

As for your friends, many people just dont know what to say and so either say nothing or completely put their foot in it.
I think all of us have experienced comments that in any 'normal' death situation would be completely out of order but because the death is of a baby that no one else got to see or experience you are expected to just 'get over it'.

People just dont understand that not only have you lost your longed for baby but you have also lost all the hopes and dreams that you had for the future of your baby.

Have you named your baby?

xx

Hi Kite sorry you are on here. I have found this board a great source of comfort to me. I think it helps to have people who know what this is like. I lost my little boy at 20 weeks in May. I find you have good and bad days. I also found that some of my friends with children seemed awkward around me almost like I was going to snatch there child. But I found it was not their child I want it was my own.

I hope they are able to give you some answers as to what caused it. How are you doing today?

lemonhow are you doing?

Got the funeral on Monday. Not sure how I am going to get through it. Am a bit disappointed at my husbands siblings neither of which is coming. We are having a small service with just family. Just feel like they do not really care. Just feel like it is being glossed over. Does that make any sense. Almost like we should be over it by now. I guess if people have not been through it they do not understand.

Badger how are you 2 doing? Have you got everything you need ready?

ilove How are you doing?

Oh lemon that is terrible. Have they said why they arent coming?
There is no way you should 'be over it'. You will never get over it as that was your first child. It will get easier but you will never forget your baby.

It really annoys me how some people expect you to just get on and forget. This was your baby...just because they didnt see him/her doesnt mean he/she didnt exist.

Ill be thinking of you and your family on Monday. What time is the funeral? I hope it goes as well as it can xx

Iv just finished packing my hospital bag all ready for Tuesday but im having a bit of a weird night. Going through Freya's clothes that we bought and never got to dress her in has started the tears and now i just cant stop.

Its all getting a bit too close and real. Im trying to stay positive and keep telling myself i will get a baby to keep this time but its just bringing up memories of Freya's birth.

Im very nervous about when my husband has to go home from the hospital and im left alone as i know its gonna hit me like a tonne of bricks then... there are just so many emotions running round me at the min and im missing Freya so so much.

Hey ladies, have been lurking on this thread. I lost a precious baby girl at nearly 19wks (following ivf) in Nov. 2008. I already had a nearly three year old at the time, and have since very fortunately had another little boy who is now 18mnths...
Having said all of that, I don't think I will ever forget our little girl who lost (it was definitely the most traumatic thing that I've had happen) so suddenly and without warning.
I just wanted to give hope I guess to all those who are still so close in time to their baby loss: you will feel better one day, but you won't forget...it most definitely changes your whole outlook on life, and makes you appreciate how precious babies are.
I am really thinking of all of you who are going through this right now, and my thoughts and prayers are with you...xxxxx

Thanks Maarias, glad to read something nice xxx

Hi kite - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
I lost my baby ay 20 weeks although they think he died at 17 wks, so I also have that dreadful though that I was carrying him around after he'd passed away for 3 weeks without knowing.
How are you doing?

lemon I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope it is as peaceful and gentle on you as possible. xx

badger - will be thinking of you on Tuesday - so soon! I know everything will be fine and can't wait to hear your update on here when Elke arrives xx

Hi maarias - thankyou, it is nice to read a positive story. I'm sorry you lost your little girl.

Well, things are not looking too good for me.
My HCG level on Monday was 14000 - which was very high for how pregnant I was. Then they only went up by 300ish over 48 hours.

I then ended up on the gynae ward on Thursday night with a suspected ectopic. Had another scan on Friday which showed a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no fetal pole so not looking good - although ectopic was ruled out.
I've got another scan booked for next Friday so will just have to wait and see.

Hope everyone else is okay xx

ilove only just seen your post. So sorry to hear your going through all this. I don't really know what to say except we're thinking of you and your family and hoping things work out for you. I'm not sure exactly what is happening and whether or not things could still be ok?

Hope you're being looked after.
xxx

Thanks star - that means a lot.
I'm not sure either - its been a horrible week. Really not sure if I could go through this again.

How are you doing? Any sign of a BFP?

ilove just also wanted to say I am thinking of you. So sorry you are going through this uncertainty. I have everything crossed for you.

ilove Im so sorry... I cant believe this is happening again. Im still keeping everything crossed for you and willing this baby to keep going xx

lemon Im thinking of you and your family today xx

Hi blue, hope you had an ok night? I know this week is going to feel so long as you wait for that scan. Reminds me of when we had to wait for our CVS results. But I know you will get through it.

Also thinking of you today lemon. Know it will be heartbreaking but it is the next step in this process. I actually found the whole build up to it much worse than the day itself.

badger sending you big positive vibes for tomorrow. Will be looking out for news :)

No sign of a BFP for us, or a period for that matter. Test on Sunday was negative. Going to give it to the end of this week as I felt I potentially could have ov'd week before last. If still nothing at end of that will speak to doc about trying progesterone to at least get that side of things moving. Will have been on metformin a month on Weds but haven't yet managed to get up to full dose as when I tried it made me feel so weird. Trying again now but a bit more slowly.

Well, looks like period has turned up at long last. While a BFP would be nicer, I'll happily take this for now if it's a sign things might become a bit more regular for me. Hopefully the medication is doing the trick - hard to prove either way but is almost a month since I started now.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Glad to hear AF looks like its sorting itself out but sorry you didn't get a BFP this month. x

How did it go today lemon?

Big day tomorrow badger - how are you feeling?

I'm feeling okay thanks - still feeling pregnant which is good I suppose.
I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms last time, its all very confusing.

Hope everyone else is okay. x

Badger the day is finally here! I imagine it'll be a very strange day with a huge amount of mixed feelings. We are all thinking of you and yours and wishing you a straightforward c-section and a beautiful screaming little Elke in your arms very soon. Much love, look forward to hearing xx

ilove that is so rubbish and unfair, I'm so sorry you're going through all this stress and worry again. Glad they have been able to rule out an ectopic at least. Fingers crossed for your little one, how horrible to be having to just wait and see.

star I'm glad your AF has shown up in a good timeframe, hoping that means your body is feeling ready for another pregnancy. How are you feeling today? I remember how crappy CD1 always was, but the next day is a bit easier xx

lemon how was the funeral yesterday? I hope it has in some way been helpful, a sort of rite of passage to mark and commemorate your baby's life. I'm sorry your ILs just don't get it. I think that's very common and a huge source of hurt to all bereaved parents. There's this ridiculous sense that an unborn baby is less of a loss than one that people have met... until they go through it and realise that the loss of a baby, born or not yet born, is utterly devastating. I even had a colleague tell me that cot death was more of a tradgedy than stillbirth because in a cot death "that's someone's little baby, that's been born"... And stillbirth isn't??? I was utterly seething but just felt too fragile to argue it, I knew I'd be in tears. I still feel guilty for not saying anything, if we don't challange them then these awful attitudes persist.
Sorry I didn't mean to have such a rant, just cross and hurting for you.

kitesurfgirl how are you today? You were asking about other babies... hmm in some ways I'm still waiting. The babies I still can't cope with are the ones that are very close in age to the little girl I lost - to me they represent the baby we should have, the age she would be etc and it is a living torture to be around them. This is 8 months on. Older babies don't bother me really, they are well past the newborn stage which is the really hard bit to face, and they were here before Bobbie was so I don't feel this sense of "why did I lose her, and you got to be born?" I'm starting to find new pregnancies easier to accept now - but this may be partly because I am pregnant too? I do though feel intensely jealous of people confidently announcing pregnancy at an early stage (i.e. before about 24 weeks!) because I know I don't have that confidence anymore. The blithe assurance that all will be well and they can start shopping after 12 weeks irrationally pisses me off to. (I do realise this is my problem not theirs so keep my mouth shut!)

Badger hoping you have a straightforward c-section and that your baby will be here and well.

ilove how are you holding up?

star I am not sure what to say since I have not got to that stage. But it must be a good sign that your AF is here and that your body is going back to normal.

kitesurfgirl hope you are doing OKish. Let us know how you are doing or if you have any questions.

split how are you enjoying your maternity leave?

Yesterday was tough. I have found it hard that my BIL and SIL just seemed to ignore the funeral. So far we have had texts of them and that has been it. But I do have some good friends and my family have been great. It was also my birthday the weekend that had just gone. I got sent some flowers and ended up crying over them. Think it was just all of the flowers I have had recently have been for our son. Anyway the service was beautiful but it was so tough seeing his small coffin. But it was good being with him again.

Thanks lemon it's nice! Day 2 and starting to get the nesting/cleaning bug I think. But it is balanced by the "can I be arsed?" bug

I'm glad the service was fitting. I know what you mean about being with them again. I felt a slight sense less emptiness when I held Bobbie's coffin close to me and carried it to her grave - somehow just that act of carrying her again was comforting. I hope you can have a gentle day today. Focus on the friends and family who have been good and understanding when you need people around. In my experience there's not a lot you can do to change the others, just keep them at arms length until you feel able to face them again. Look after yourself x

overwhelmed by how lovely you all are on here smiles> i'm sorry I've not been online for a while, had a few 'hiding' days where I haven't really felt like doing anything if I'm honest. But VERY comforted by how you guys all get it xx
iloveblue Thanks so much for the message. It is the fact that the baby was dead for so long that is haunting me :S I'm doing a PGCE so working insane hours with kids and literally was working 14 hr days ALL the way through my pregnancy. I'm so angry with myself now that I did this. Even though the school knew i was pregnant, they didn't do a risk assessment on me, and had me carrying heavy PE equipment twice a week without support! needless to say, if i'm lucky enough to have the chance of having another baby, I will not put work first..lesson learnt. I was so poorly for weeks before I found out, and obviously now all I'm thinking is that the baby must have been poisoning me.But because it was my first pregnancy, the midwife was just like, oh that's morning sickness for you. I guess next time i will know. xx
splitthetea that's lovely that you're pregnant :) really pleased for you. Hmm. Know what you mean for def about people going clothes shopping/toy shopping etc. I'm literally sitting here thinking next time I won't be saying anything until I'm huge and even then I don't even want any celebrations until the baby is out and breathing. A friend on facebook has literally announced week by week her pregnancy, she's on like week 9 now, and all i can think is shush something awful could still happen. But like you say, you can't say anything. But it does totally change your view on pregnancy. I can't honestly say that I think i'm going to enjoy being pregnant in the future...scared yes :S xx
lemonshertbet thanks for msg x having good and bad days...but bad days turning more into just sitting there and being numb, than crying. Feel like I can't cry anymore. Very odd. Everyones replies on here tho have REALLY helped me. It's lovely to know that some people really DO understand and totally get it. xx
breakdancing wow so i gather you're about to have a new baby thats fantastic soo chuffed for you x thanks for the messages, really appreciate them. Can't wait to hear some good news. You really hit the nail on the head when you said about how people just either don't say the right thing or say nothing. I had a friend message me yesterday telling me not to worry because her sister had 4 MC's, 2 of them late on, so anything's possible. That's like telling someone who's just lost their brother (eg) that lots of other people have died today so it's ok! I really really don't understand why ppl think it's ok to have opinions on how your feel about losing your baby (esp the ones who haven't gone through it) in a way that they wouldn't over a death of an adult for eg. Like you say, as tho because the baby wasn't born, it's not real grief.
We had names planned, but right now we don't know whether we lost a girl of a boy.
Do you guys on here think it would help to name the baby? :S I don't know. I almost feel like if I'd have had to give birth I would most definitely but because it was an erpc...
anyways big thank you to you all for being so amazing, promise to log on more to chat x

Oh. and p.s hope I didn't leave anyone out, I am really amazed by just how many of you messaged me x

lemon the last sentence of your last post made me cry. I'm glad you had a beautiful service and that you're family are supporting you (well apart from your BIL and SIL). How are you feeling now? When is you appointment with the consultant?

Glad you're enjoying your maternity leave spilt

What a lovely post kite - I'm glad you're finding this thread helpful.
It helped me so much in the early days.

I can't stop thinking about badger.

I know really hoping everything went well for badger

Have the consultant appointment a week tomorrow.

lemonsherbet hope you're ok, will be thinking of you.

No news from badger yet? Hope the badger family are all home safe and well very soon.

Kitesurfgirl glad you've found it helpful being here. Everyone has been such wonderful support to me over the past 8 months, it's been a lifeline. It's up to you if you name your baby. Some of us have and have shared those names, but not all. It's not something you need to hurry to decide either. Have you considered whether you might like to do something to mark your baby? Some people have planted something for example and found it helped to have a sort of memorial.

Completely with you on the stupid comments you get. The one that upset me most was on my first day back at work. I was really struggling anyway and then a woman came into my office and said "Good to see you back, how are you? Oh well, these things happen, now, I'm looking for a parcel..." I could still cheerfully smash her face in for that. Of course these things happen, people die every day, but you would NEVER go and say that to someone whose husband etc had just died would you?! A little sensitivity... also surely the fact I had been off for 6 weeks was some kind of indicator that it was a big deal to me, even if she couldn't see why??

I bought DH a father's day card yesterday - bloody hard to find anything appropriate. I didn't want "Happy Fathers Day", nor did I want "Worlds best dad" etc. Trying to find something for a father of two who has never yet got to even hold either of his children alive is tough. Cried buckets writing it
Technically it'll be his 2nd fathers day, not that we knew it last year. I got my BFP on 24th June.

Split Finding it very helpful thank you x just even reading through various threads....can really relate to how people are feeling, and it is nice to know it's possible to have light at the end of the tunnel.

Actually overall been pretty astounded by peoples lack of sensitivity! One of my best friends actually responded to the news with, 'Well, at least you know you can get pregnant, so it's not that big a deal is it? Just have another one' I was literally speechless, as she continued to ramble on about how common it is and anyways, they're just cells not real babies til about 6 months anyways. Turns out her and her DH are trying for one, so of course, obviously she thought 2 days after my op was a great time to tell me all about her problems. :/ hmmm. Like you say, people die every day but you would NEVER say 'oh death , that's really common, happens all the time' would you! I'm trying to avoid her now, but even after me sending her a text saying, ' you do not know how I feel so please stop saying you do, I need some space from you' she is constantly texting me asking me to go out for a drink!!!!!

Spoken to DH and he's still not sure whether to mark it or not...wants us to try again, but in a couple of months, mainly because of lack of ££ etc, but some days it's as if he's forgotten about it, other times he's upset. Rollercoaster all round of emotions I guess.

That's lovely buying a card - he will love it (even if I'm sure he will cry buckets too reading it, but it's a gorgeous sentiment) When's your baby due? I'm pretty sure now that ANYONE who has been through any kind of a baby loss makes a fabulous fabulous parent to the lucky baby who arrives.

Went to Tesco earlier and mooched in the baby aisle for a full 5 minutes before i remembered i wasn't still pregnant. Felt pretty stupid. If only my tummy and boobs would disappear, then my hormones might go and take me back to normal. Grief's pretty rubbish isn't it! Plays tricks with your mind.