Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

lemon I was told that it would be normal to bleed for about 2-6 weeks. For me it was about 10 days, but what you're having sounds perfectly normal. Speak to your MW/GP if you're concerned though or if it smells nasty as that could mean some infection. Hope you are ok x

Thanks split just no one had said what was normal. Just wanted an idea how much longer it would carry on for. Would like it to be over really. Am OK at the moment. Still no news when the body will be back so thought I would telephone the hospital. I know they said agreeing for the full PM would take longer but expected to hear something back.

Am going to see GP tomorrow and think I will ask her if she could have a look at my blood test results. Would like to hear something at least. Feel a bit forgotten and August just seems to far away when there may be an answer back already.

Hope everyone is getting to enjoy the sun today.

Hi lemon. I was also told anything up to 6 wks for bleeding. Mine did go on for a long time although gradually tailed off all the time (and I think was affected by having polycystic ovaries). No harm to check with your GP if you're seeing them anyway tomorrow.

For us and I'm afraid quite a few people on here getting results back was a bit of a drawn out process. Our baby's body came back a month after delivery and we were then able to organise a very small funeral service for her. Our post mortem results took the full 12 weeks we were warned they might - so we lost her in Nov and got results back beginning Feb. With hindsight, I would probably have hassled the hopsital a bit more as generally they weren't that forthcoming with info.

X

Got my appointment through with the consultant it is for the end of June! So it will only be 6 weeks from when I had my boy. We will have the funeral in 2 weeks. The body is meant to be coming back to the hospital next week.

Hope everyone is doing OK

Oh wow thats quick lemon I know some of the women on here had to wait far far too long for their results. I managed to get mine after 8 weeks but at the last min they tried to put it back another 4 weeks until i threw a massive grief induced hissy fit.

Do you think you will go to see your little boy in the funeral home before the funeral?
I did with Freya and it gave me closure but i would warn you that he will look very very different from the little boy you gave birth to.
I think Freya had been in the hospital for 2 weeks after having her PM.

sabine i hope you are doing ok xx

I'm glad you've got your appointment through so quickly lemonsherbet - its not nice being in limbo and makes it harder to move on.
I bled for about 2 weeks but again was told anything up to 6 weeks was normal. Hope you are okay and starting to feel a little stronger xxx

Hi badger - not long to go now for you? How are you feeling?

Glad there was no infection spilt - do you have anymore scans lined up?

How is the TTC going star?

I've been feeling pretty sick for the last few days - but have felt fine today. Its so hard not to analyse every symptom/non-symptom - but I'm trying to stay relaxed, it does feel different this time (in a good way!)

lemon I'm so pleased for you that they have arranged the appointment so relatively soon. Mine was 6 weeks as well. I know it felt like a looooong time but reading about ilove having to wait 5 months I feel very fortunate to have been spared that.

What sort of funeral arrangements are you planning? I found having a small burial service very comforting, although obviously hugely upsetting too. I felt it acknowledged her properly as a real person and a real loss, and I needed that. I carried her little casket down to the grave. After she was lowered in DH and I filled the grave in ourselves, I was kneeling on the ground and scooping the earth up in my hands. Somehow that was right for us. I needed to do it for her, and to know she was safely tucked in before I could leave. There was some kind of closure in doing it. I couldn't have left the grave open.

How are you doing star? Any sign of an egg?

Badger I hope things are still ok with you and little Elke. Just 11 more days to go. How are you feeling about it all? Are you able to believe you'll get this baby yet?

ilove I hope you're ok.

I'm shattered, but only have 1 more week of work THANK GOD! 29 weeks this weekend. I'm finding it all very tough to be honest. Physically I am worn out and lots of aches and pains that make for crap sleep and pain when lying and sitting. Emotionally am hugely fragile (probably not helped by the tiredness!). I'm so frightened for this baby, and so desperate to have her born safe and well. I wish I could shake the fear that one day I will wake up and there will be no more kicks. I find her quiet times really hard. And then even when she starts moving it takes me a long time to believe it's really her - I keep telling myself "what if it's wind/what if she's just sloshing around in the fluid and it's not all ok?" I always need a belter of a kick to convince me.

And I miss Bobbie so much. She should be 3 months old now, and I feel robbed. I'm struggling with flashbacks to the scan where we found out she'd died. I used to replay it and feel sick but also kind of numb. The numbness seems to have gone now and the memory of that scan really really hurts. It's just over a year since I got pregnant with her - the 31st May was the start of my pregnant cycle. Now I'm starting to relive the pregnancy day by day. I got my BFP on 24th June. I know when morning sickness hit. The first scan was 13th August. I remember the appointment where I heard her heartbeat for the first and last time. It all feels like a lifetime ago. I can't believe how naive we were, how trusting. What a difference a year makes.

cross posted with you.

Sorry and good that you've been feeling rough! Have you seen your GP now to get the early scan arranged?

I've got one more booked - 25th July for 36 weeks. It sounds like an impossibly pregnant number of weeks and a long way away! I'm glad I've got it though because she was still breech at the 27-28 week scan and I'd like to know what she's up to at 36 weeks.

Hi spilt
I'm sorry you're finding it tough, but you are doing so well, and you're almost there.
Hooray for 1 more week of work - are you leaving for good or just for maternity leave?
I can completely relate to the flashbacks - I've had lots recently too. Am also coming up to 12 months since our BFP. Its still so hard.

I was thinking a few nights ago about how much I've changed since October - I'm different and I don't think I will ever be the same as I was.
I'm so much more cynical and negative - something I really dislike.
I've always prided myself on being a positive person.

I saw GP on Wednesday and he was lovely - very supportive.
He got the letter from my consultant up on the computer screen within a few clicks and read it through properly, and has requested an early scan on my notes to midwife. Should hear in the next week or so.

We've decided not to tell anyone for a while. Orignally we were going to wait till 12 weeks and we still might, but I'm finding it hard to keep it quiet and I'm also worried it will be obvious earlier than that, so we'll see how it goes and play it by ear.

Officially I'm leaving for maternity leave, but in reality it's very likely that I will resign next year.

I know what you mean about feeling changed. I've drifted away from a number of friends - I can't seem to relate anymore to their lives and outlooks. I've lost a lot of confidence and feel a lot more insecure. I really dislike the level of bitterness that has crept into my way of thinking. But I don't think it's all negative change. DH said last weekend that he thinks he is a better person for having known Bobbie. I think there's a lot she's given us. Yes we feel like we've aged 10 years, but also like we've grown up a lot. I think I have a lot more compassion. I see life as a lot less black and white now. I've managed to be much more supportive of two newly bereaved friends this year than I would have known how to be last year. And thanks to Bobbie I have got over my fear of blood tests

I'm glad you've found such a good GP. I hope the MW is similarly supportive and friendly. Will it be the one you had last time or someone else?

Good luck deciding when to tell people - it's a hard one to know sometimes.

Hi spilt and ilove

spilt im so sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. I can completely understand with the scan flashbacks as ive been having them too.
We had our 36 week scan on Thursday and up flashed her ribcage and all i could see was Freya's with no movement inside... My eyes welled up and i had to pretend i had just yawned so no one realised i was almost in tears. Whats happened recently for all three of us to be having the same flashbacks??

I also panic everytime Elke sleeps/has quite periods. Its absolutely exhausting trying to keep up with everything. I find myself waking in the middle of the night in a panic sometimes trying to remember when i last felt her move.

ilove Im so glad your feeling sick (hahaha where else would that be a nice thing to say) and well done on trying to stay relaxed.
I remember the beginning of this pregnancy i used to almost chant to myself that i had beent through the worst thing possible and survived and i could get through this. Kept me sane for .... about a minute.

Im so so glad you have a supportive GP as i think having someone there to just listen and back you up makes such a difference and helps with the enormous stress you are currently under.

Have you told your boys about the baby?

Im keeping my fingers crossed you get your scan date asap and it helps reasure you.

Im feeling a bit numb at the min. I should be so incredibly happy (like normal mums to be) but i still cant imagine leaving the hospital with my little girl.
It just feels like ive made it this far and in the next 11 days something so hidious could so easily happen.

Im trying to be practical and build cribs, pack my hospital bag and just think of anything else but whether or not im gonna get to leave the hospital with an actual living, breathing baby this time.

Im even trying to stay away from the over excited people who expect you to join in with their cooing over the new baby (my mum). I dont have the energy to put on an act and dont wanna bring them down so i just stay away.

I am hoping that because it is so quick it may mean they have found an answer. None of the results have gone to my GP so she could not tell me what has been found. I do not intend to see the body. We are having a cremation. Though part of me did wonder if a burial would be better. Our plan is to take the ashes and scattered them ourselves. We quite often went for a walk in the woods when I was pregnant with him and we often sat at a particular spot. We thought there would be good.

I need to ask an aibu. My BIL is getting married on what should have been our due date. The wedding is a good 9 hours drive away. My MIL even when I was pregnant was pushing for us to go. We always said we would not go. Now this has happened it seems like we are expected to attend. It is on his due date not even a day either side. I would like to go away just the 2 of us (DH and I.) I do not feel like putting on a happy face all of that weekend. But I have been told I am being unreasonable making my husband miss his own brothers wedding. What do you think? I am aware that maybe in 3 months time I may feel different and may feel I can cope but I present I just do not think I am strong enough. My DH has not yet told his brother that we are not going. I need some advice on how to get around this make them understand.

ilove I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you at present but I am also happy you are being sick. I hope that comes across OK.

Badger and split I think you are doing really well. I know what you mean by remembering the scans. I remember my 12 week scan when he was so active and moving all over the place. Then I remember my next scan. Where he was just so still. Badger in less than 2 weeks she will be here. I am so impressed with you building the crib.

split I hope you get to enjoy a nice relaxing maternity leave.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. Is anyone doing anything nice?

Hi lemonsherbet
I hope thay have found a reason for why you lost him - it could explain the swiftness of the procedure.

I think the scattering of his ashes in the woods is a lovely idea. You can then go back there and feel close to him.

Regarding the wedding, I think you would be perfectly valid in not going, and I'm sure if he is a good brother to your DH he would understand why.
What does your DH think?
You could always arrange to go up and see them a few weeks after.

Badger - we havn't told the boys yet, going to leave it for a while and see how we feel. Although, DS1 asked us if we were keeping a secret from him the other day - he just had a feeling.
I hope you start feeling more positive soon - it must be so hard. But you are almost there and are literally days away from holding your live and kicking little girl. I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks. Please come and update us when Elke is finally here x

I got my early scan date through today - Mon 13th June, I should be just 7 weeks by then. I'm very impressed at the efficiency of the midwife in getting it sorted so quickly, I only saw my GP 4 days ago.
I havn't felt as sick for the last few days - it seems to be coming and going which isn't good for my nerves. But I do feel very emotional - my boys have gone to stay over tonight with my DB and SIL and I cried for an hour after they left, I just feel very clingy to them at the moment.

Badger snap definitely to the waking in the night going is she moving still?! It is exhausting. You don't have many more of those nights to get through now my love, she will be here so soon. Why is it so easy to believe for someone else and so hard for yourself? I have total faith in your little Elke being ok. I also believe that ilove will go to term and get her little baby next Feb. Why is it so hard to find that confidence for myself?

Well done building the crib. I bet that has come with a whole raft of emotions. I've bought some maternity pads as I figured whatever happens I will need them. We have now ordered pram and carseat, which was a lovely fun piece of shopping to do and somehow easier than baby clothes. Still can't manage that.

Also know what you mean about hiding from other people's excitement. I am leaving work next Friday and keep getting people cooing "ooh have you bought all the stuff now/decorated the nursery/thought of names?"... and I have to say no, none of that. And that's because we haven't been wafting around on a cloud of excitement since 12 weeks planning and believing. We still don't feel at all safe and hence not doing all this stuff yet. I said that to my mum who said "Really?!" in a baffled sounding voice, like, why would I not think I was having a baby now? I feel a million miles off of everyone else's wavelength. Trouble is, I think they are all naive prats too When in reality they are probably all right that things will be fine, and I am letting fear blow my worries out of all proportion. Though I can't see anyone in my shoes would do any different. Ho hum.

lemon that sounds lovely to scatter his ashes in a beautiful natural place that you can always come back to.

As far as your BILs wedding goes, I would say definitely you are not unreasonable to not want to go. The trouble is it is very unlikely that anyone will truely understand. They may think you are being precious/deliberately wallowing etc. They would be totally wrong to think that but probably just wouldn't get it. However, you need to look after yourself, and if that means putting up with some sniffiness or sulking so be it. Don't do something that will cause you a lot of distress, or intrude on your need to grieve.

Personally I found my due date a really important day in the grieving. I booked it off of work and had a Bobbie day. I listened to the songs that meant her to me. I went through her memory box and photos. I wrote in my little book to her. I cried lots and lots. DH came home at lunchtime and we went and got flowers and took them to her grave. I gave him a gift. We lit candles for her. It was a really hurty day, but also healing in a way too.
What shocked me was how I felt that morning when I woke up. All the weeks beforehand I was still mentally pregnant if that makes sense? Still counting along that I should be 25 weeks, 30 weeks, 35 etc. Still checking how big she should be. I woke up at 40 weeks and there was nothing. In some weird part of my brain that was a shock. I think some part of me expected to wake up from the nightmare and have a 40 week bump and get a baby and I was devastated all over again that I didn't. Finally it hit me that she is never coming.

I guess I'm trying to say that I needed the space alone that day, and I couldn't have predicted what the day felt like. The pressure of a family wedding would have been too much. Do what you feel is right for you. It's up to you how much you explain to your BIL.

On a different note, what the hell was your MIL thinking expecting you to do that journey when you were about to give birth???!

How is everyone doing? Have just done the 30 day shred. Am trying to get back into my old clothes. DH gave the maternity clothes away to charity shop which left me with about 3 things to wear!!!

Well done you on doing the 30 day shred lemonsherbet.
Have you noticed a difference? Was it hard?

I had some spotting and cramps on Sunday/Monday.
I was convinced it was all going wrong again.
Had a scan yesterday and to early to tell so having blood taken to test HCG.
Its all settled down now so am feeling a bit more positive.
We'll see what happens.

I'm so excited for badger - not long to go now

30 day shred was difficult, but to be honest am very unfit at the moment. Think it will take a little while to notice a difference. Am trying to keep up the motivation to continue.

ilove fingers and everything crossed that it all works out fine for you. I know it is difficult but lots of people do have bleeding at the start of pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies. I really hope you are one of those ladies.

split and badger hope everything is going well for you at the moment.

lemon what is a 30 day shred?

Im doing well Have packed my hospital bag and bought my little boy a present 'from the baby' and now im just waiting.

Thought i was going into labour a few nights ago but nothing more has happened.

Have just found out we have got the flat we applied for and will be able to move in after Elke is born.

ilove Im crossing everything that this baby hangs on in there for you. Keep up your positive thinking as i know your gonna end up with a little screamer at the end of this

spilt Hope your doing well

xxx

Well done on the exercise lemon. Hope it's making you feel good.

Congrats on the flat badger! Excellent news. It's the 14th for your section isn't it? I shall be sat on here hoping for news ... this time next week....

ilove everything crossed here for you too. Horrible the worrying they put us through.

Still ok here. 2 more days at work
I am still totally neurotic and just about managed to convince myself last night that I had pre eclampsia
This morning I was worried I was in early labour.
Must Calm Down

Badger brillant news on the flat. You should describe it a bit to us. Hope you are sat at home and relaxing.

split just think you will soon be on maternity leave. Hope you are no longer thinking you are in labour.

ilove how is everything going. Hope you are OK.

I've just lost my baby at 16 weeks. However, it was a missed miscarriage, the baby was only 8-10 weeks. So the whole time I have been carrying a dead child. We were late for the first scan because I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 12 weeks, and despite asking for a scan ASAP, I still had to wait 4 weeks for an appointment.
I am totally totally devastated. I had to have an ERPC 10 days ago, and I am still bleeding. I had absolutely no signs at all that anything was wrong with the baby. I had a hard bump, looked and felt pregnant. Apparently, just one of those things. We are waiting for the post mortem results, to check that there was nothing major wrong.
This was our first child. I wish I had the comfort of already having another child so that I knew it was possible to successfully carry a baby, as now I think there must be something wrong with me. I think if I had another child already I would find this incredibly comforting, and at least a little bit easier to accept that it was just one of those things. At 37, time is not on my side, and I'm desperate to be a mum. I hope that the next time I sign for 'mother's consent' is not on a funeral arrangements form :(
Sending everyone lots of love xx

Kitesurfgirl I am so sorry to hear about your poor little baby. Your grief comes through so strongly in your post. For many of us on here what you say about feeling pregnant and thinking everything was ok rings very true. It is such a cruel shock when you find out that your baby wasn't growing all that time. I felt so stupid - how could I not have known?

Like you, I have lost my first child, so I know what you mean about the fear that your body can't get it right. I have since heard people say that actually a missed miscarriage, awful as it is, is a good sign that your body is more than capable of holding onto a pregnancy. I hope the tests they do are able to give you some answers and the confidence to try to conceive when you are ready.

Please keep talking to us. It's so so hard, sending you strength x

Kitesurfgirl Im so so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Those first few days and months are incredibly difficult and i can feel your pain through your post.

As Spilt says please keep talking to us as i found (and still do) this thread incredibly supportive and just a great place to say the things you couldnt in real life.

I hope you have lots of support around you right now. Sending you love and support xx

splittheteagain and BreakDancingBadger thank you so much for replying. I feel so alone at the minute, some well meaning friends asking if i'm 'over it yet' and when am I coming out for beers. I'm normally such an outgoing person but this has knocked me for six. :( It feels so nice to have people who obviously get it, and understand, offer me kind words. I will definitely stay on here. We definitely want to try again, and think it's wise to wait 3 months (as the doctors suggested), but mainly because if i had another miscarriage, I know I would blame myself again for not listening to the doctors. So silly. How long do you think it will take before I can see pregnant women, and women pushing small babies around and not feel angry/jealous, because thats the worst thing at the moment (and I know its not a nice thing to feel) xx