Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Oh Sabine, its such a terrible situation but im glad the preliminary results are bringing you some answers about your little boy.

As for the going back to work, due to Freya being 32 weeks when she was born, i was intitled to a full maternity leave and still havent been back as my work have been wonderful and allowed me to go straight onto my new maternity leave.
I was talking about handing my notice in as i wasnt ready (im a paediatric theatre nurse so dealing with very sick babies and children everyday) to deal with the day to day stress of theatres.

It makes me feel sick that i actually feel 'lucky' that my baby died further along in my pregnancy, as listening to the stress that some of these women on here have to deal with is just awful... and all for a couple of weeks that seems to determine how much time you can have to deal with the death of your baby.
Its truely disgusting.

spilt I really feel for you... you are doing incredibly well.

We have just found out my Mum-in-law is going to have a family bbq in the summer and has invited the sister-in-law that i fell out spectacularly with after Freyas death (we still havent spoken).
Her daughter was born 8 days before Freya and im dreading it already. I would be happy if i never saw that woman again. I will never speak to her again after the vile things she said about Freya but im worried about looking at her daughter...Looking at her and thinking of all the things iv missed with Freya.

The pain never ever ends does it. You just think your coming out of the hole and something sends you crashing straight back in.

star Congratulations and good luck on the TTC journey. I am keeping everything crossed for you that i possibly can.

ilove and littlewish and desertmummy I hope you are all doing well xxx

Can I join you ladies on this thread. I lost my little boy (I was 20 weeks) just over a week ago. I went for a routine appointment and they could not hear the heart beat so arranged a scan that showed that he had died. I sort of feel empty. Everything had been low risk up to that point. I had a previous mmc in October at 8 weeks.

Hi everyone

I'm glad you got some answer about your little boy Sabine - it must be quite reassuring to know that there was nothing you could have done about it and that your instincts were right.

Badger - I can understand your worries about the family BBQ. I remember your horrid SIL quite vividly. Will Elke be here by then? I know it will still be hard and Freya will always be in your thoughts, but it might make it a bit easier having her lovely baby sister in your arms.

How are you doing spilt - I agree with badger, you are doing incredibly well. You are still going to have down days - especially with those pregnancy hormones making everything worse.

Hi lemonsherbet of course you can join us on here.
The thread isn't as busy as it used to be but please post here or PM me if you need someone to talk to. It helped me so much in the early days.
It sounds like you've had a similar experience to me.
I lost a little boy at 20 weeks in October and had an early mc at 7 weeks in Feb. Do they have any idea why it happened?
I remember the empty feeling so well - thinking of you x

We were away at my brother's wedding this weekend. They rented a small country hotel exclusively for the weekend, and we had a fabulous time.
They booked it when I was pregnant last summer and had specially allocated us a suite that would fit us, the two boys and a travel cot. I couldn't help myself looking around the room and thinking, there should be a cot in here.

I'm not holding out much hope for a BFP this month - AF due any day now and feeling very crampy and bloated, so I'm pretty sure its on its way.

lemonsherbet of course you can join us and welcome, but very sorry you find yourself here at all. I lost my baby girl in October at 20 weeks - no heartbeat found at the routine 20 week scan. She was born two days later after an induced labour. I think of her and miss her every day but it has got easier to live with as time passes. The really awful dark days still come, but they get further apart eventually. I too remember the numbness you describe. I remember waking up each morning and for a split second thinking things were fine and then the terrible reality would hit me again. It's exhausting. Like you I was low risk until then. Did you name your little boy? Keep talking to us if it helps you, we all know how much it hurts x

Badger I feel for you over the BBQ. It will be tough. I suppose my advice would be to think about your escape plan if it all gets too much. It's somehow easier to cope if you don't feel trapped. Have you seen any pictures of this baby? Would it be easier if you know what she looks like beforehand? For me, it wasn't the baby himself who was entirely the issue - it was what he represented in terms of how Bobbie would have been roughly and made me hurt for her, and for all she missed out on. I wasn't interested in their baby, I couldn't really look at him, definitely couldn't have held him and certainly wouldn't have wanted to.

ilove those reminders are so poignant aren't they? Glad the wedding was fun though.

I'm doing ok thanks all. 27+1 weeks now and Froggy is reassuringly wriggly, kicking my arm as we speak! I had a checkup today and boo hiss have something suspect in my urine, possibly an infection, so they are sending it to the lab and will phone in a few days if I need antibiotics. I'm completely exhausted and very achy. Dreading work tomorrow (just had a 4 day weekend)
Also a bit peed off as the consultant thinks I ought to be on the consultant ward for delivery because I have a slightly underactive thyroid. MW didn't really agree it was necessary. I want to be in the MW led unit (which is only upstairs!) because I'd like to try a waterbirth. I'll have to give it a bit of thought and discuss with my community MW - it came as a bit of a shock to be told that today.

hello lemonsherbet im so sorry that you have to join us on this thread but welcome.
Have you named your little boy? My daughter Freya died last July at 31 weeks.

I completely understand the feeling of emptyness at the beginning. It completely consumed me. I too was low risk until Freya died.

I hope you have lots of supportive family and friends around you right now to lean on xxx

ilove Elke will be here by the bbq but its, at the min, scheduled for only a couple of weeks after Freyas first birthday so im not sure if ill be strong enough to do it.
Crossing my fingers for a BFP for you.

spilt Iv seen pictures of the baby in my mum-in-laws house and they dont upset at all but its when i hear that she crawling/weaning/smiling etc that it gets to me as these are all things my little girl should be doing too. Im probably worrying about nothing, but as im sure you know, when something comes up about babies it just hurts to the coreand i cant shake it.

I dont understand why you still cant try in the MW led unit, espif its only on another floor. If it was in a different building i could understand but if anything started getting scary it doesnt take that long to run up a flight of stairs.

They seemed to have no idea why it happened. They did blood tests and we are having a post mortem but have been told it will be August before we have a meeting with the consultant to go through results.

ilove hope you get a BFP soon.

Badger I imagine family events must be difficult. I always think it is useful to have a code phrase that says get me out of here now. Could you have other plans so are only able to be there for an hour.

Hi lemonsherbet. I'm at work so can't stop long but wanted to say hello and so sorry you've had to join us. We lost our first baby at 20 weeks in November. Our nightmare started at the 12-week scan when the nuchal measurement was double what it should have been. We got through all the tests for chromosomal abnormalities with nothing found and it was looking like things might be ok but then the baby's heart started to fail and she died a few days later. Postmortem found that she had a very rare heart problem and we were incredibly unlucky (1 in 40,000 chance or similar). Thinking of you and remember the numbness and disbelief.

XXX

Hello everyone

Just a quick one to say I got a BFP today!

Had actually been out to buy tampax and stopped taking folic acid for two days as I was so convinced AF was on it's way.

Have felt naseous all day today - I have a good feeling about this one.

We're going to keep it very quiet - not telling anyone in RL until at least 12 weeks.

I hope everyone else is okay - especially lemonsherbet.
It took 5 months for us to get our consultant appointment and PM results only to be told they had found no reason. I hope you get yours much quicker and get some answers. Please keep chatting to us on here xx

Hi everyone, I haven't been on this thread for ages but just thought I'd have a look to see how everyone is getting on and I hope you don't mind me crashing your thread but I just wanted to say congratulations to iloveblue I really do hope everything works out for you this time. I'm actually 10 weeks pg today, it has been very hard to get this far and hoping that my scan on Thursday is positive. I've been having scans weekly from 5 weeks so the time seems to have passed v.slowly.

Split glad to see you're still going strong and sorry that you might have an infection. I hope they get it sorted and cleared up quickly.

I've just read an article in Grazia about stillborns and couldn't believe that:
"Britain is ranked 33 out of 35 countries in the developed world for stillbirth rates. Countries like Australia who have invested heavily in research have managed to bring their rates down. In the UK they have remained the same for the past 10 years."

I know this is a very sensitive issue but I just couldn't believe it. It is just so unnecessary and unbelieveable.

I'm sorry to everyone on here who has gone through a terrible time recently I really do know your pain (as we all do) mn is a great support.

Wow, congratulations ilove!! I have a great big for you, that is lovely news. You better dig out that folic acid then
How many weeks do you think you are? Am I right in thinking you've been promised a scan at 7 weeks this time?

And lucky lovely to see you again, and congratulations to you on being 10 weeks, excellent news. All the very best for you and your little baby.

I completely agree about how appalling it is that stillbirth has been so ignored in Britain. If there were 11 children dying every day for no known reason and nobody was investigating then there would be outrage and panic. Why are unborn but viable babies not given the same consideration?

Hi lucky - nice to see you again and thanks for the good wishes.
How are you feeling? Have the weekly scans helped/reassured you?

Thankyou spilt - AF was due today (i think, although they havn't been quite right since early mc in Feb) so I'm only 4 weeks.
I have been promised an early scan - my GP should have it in writing from my consultant, so I'm going to go and see him asap.

Am back on the Folic Acid - not sure if there is anything else I should be taking. I'm going to get some Vit A tablets as I've heard they're very good for pregnancy.
Will ask GP about aspirin too - although consultant didnt suggest it.
It hasn't really sunk in yet - just taking one day at a time.

How are you spilt - did you get the infection sorted?

Regarding the stillborn issue - I read somewhere that it is lack of scans and check-ups in the later stages of pregnancy that we have in this country that has contributed to the high rate.
Issues that could be prevented by more regular appointments are not picked up.

I'm not sure it's Vit A ilove, that's the one in liver which we are meant to avoid. I know they are now recommending Vit D supplements daily. And some people find the vit B complexes help reduce morning sickness. I've just taken the pregnacare plus (the one with the omega pills as well) all the way through so I know I should be getting the basics of everything. It made me a lot more relaxed in the picky eating/sick stage.

I won't know about the infection for a bit. They swabbed the urine yesterday and found white cells in it so sent it off to the lab to be grown in a culture. That takes 3 days apparently. After 3 days they will know if I have a UTI that needs antibiotics or not, so I'll have to sit tight until then.

Yes I too read that in Britain we are fairly unique in Europe in NOT having a third trimester scan. On the continent they do that to check growth, placental and cord function, presentation etc. The fundal measurements that they take here aren't a very reliable way to check on the baby's growth and have been abandoned in some other countries. I think it's shocking that in a second pregnancy you can go from booking in at 10 weeks until 28 weeks without seeing a MW, just 2 scans in the middle. That's 4 months!! I'm being treated as a first timer again and got seen at 16 and 25 weeks as well, but even that felt like one hell of a gap.

Just wanted to say congratulations ilove

Oh Congratulations ilove im beaming for you

I would agree with spilt that vit A is one to avoid. I was told vit D and calcium but have just been taking pregnacare like spilt.

Im keep absolutely everything crossed for you this time That news has made my day

spilt get some cranberry juice and drink it by the bucket load while you wait for your results.

Congratulations lucky

lemonsherbet and sabine I hope your both doing ok

Just back from my 28 week scan (at 27 and a half weeks) and all looking great !

She's measuring about 2lb8 now which seems pretty big for dates to me. HC 266.7mm, AC 235.3mm and FL 51.4mm.

And I talked to the fetal medicine consultant who sees no reason at this stage why I shouldn't plan to use the birth unit and hope to use a pool and he wrote that on the scan report.

I feel a lot happier about that. One last scan now at 36 weeks for growth/presentation/reassurance. She's still breech for now (and definitely a girl, no willy has emerged in the last 8 weeks )

Is your news sinking in at all ilove?

Lovely news spilt - I'm so pleased all is going well. You must be walking on clouds. Do you have any names yet?
And I'm glad the consultant agreed with you about the birth unit - and you have it in writing.

I think I did know it was Vit D, I just wrote Vit A by mistake - is it too soon to blame pregnancy brain , but thanks for putting me right. Am off to get some tomorrow.

I'm really trying not to make comparisons with last time and am just going to get on with it. If this one fails (which it won't) then at least I know I will qualify for RC mc testing.

Thanks for the wishes badger - you must be on countdown now.
Are you all ready?

Thankyou also lemonsherbet - I know how hard it is to hear of someone else's BFP/pregnancy when you have just suffered a devastating loss.
How are you doing? x

Congatulationsilove, that's great news. Hope to be joining you soon. We've only been trying just over a week but I'm incredibly impatient! Hoping the metformin will kick in soon and get my sluggish ovaries going again. Building up the dose at the moment.

Wonderful news from you too spilt, you must be so relieved. Good that you've got the extra scans. Hope your waterworks are ok.

x

Awww spilt thats great news glad to hear no willy has sprouted hahahahaha

One day at a time is all i can advise ilove its a bloody hard journey esp after last time but i have everything crossed for you.

I have 18 days to go and im so nervous. Thankfully she is a very active baby which is making me very happy.
Gotta still buy stuff for my hospital bag and can you believe we are flat hunting!!!

Hurray for an active baby Badger, that's exactly what you need. Flat hunting? When are you hoping to move?

ilove we haven't really got anywhere with names yet. This is going to sound very stupid, but names seems a bit "real" and we still haven't quite made the mental leap of faith needed. We looked at baby clothes after the appointment this week and then I freaked a bit and refused to buy anything. Still scared, still not sure I can believe this one will be ok.

How does the metformin work star, is it supposed to trigger ovulation? Fingers crossed it happens for you very soon.

lemon how are things for you?

spilt, the metformin is actually a drug for diabetics but is also used to help control polycystic ovaries as this is linked to insulin resistance which also affects hormone levels. The idea is that the pills should make me more sensitive to insulin again and help re-balance my hormones. Hope it works! It should also help me to loose a bit of weight. Again, this can be linked to my dodgy hormones. I haven't got loads to loose - just half a stone to a stone - but I already eat pretty healthily and keep active so I really should have lost the weight by now but this is again something that is apparently common with PCO.

Glad to hear everything is going ok for you spilt and badger. Can imagine how hard that mental leap of faith must be spilt - I think we'll feel the same.

Hope you're feeling ok ilove

and you lemonsherbet

Hi

split I can understand why you have not bought anything. But it sounds like she is growing well.

badger you are almost there. Can not believe you are flat hunting. Have you seen anything you like?

ilove hope you managed to get the vitamin D and that you get a beautiful 8 more months with no unexpected surprises.

I am doing OK. Still having ups and downs. Not really sleeping very well. Tending to take a while to fall asleep and then tend to wake up again at 3-4 in the morning. Have tried herbal teas, getting up and doing something for an hour then going back to bed. Not really working and end up being exhausted most of the time. Am hoping it will settle down soon.

Well I don't have infected wee at least , they reckoned it must just have been sample contamination, I am in the clear.

lemon thinking of you. The waking in the night is hard. It's very lonely and there's nothing to distract you then. Are you eating much at the moment? Exhaustion is a totally normal part of grief, emotions take a lot of energy. Be gentle with yourself and really don't expect much from yourself for now xx

lemon Its really hard at night isnt it. I still cant sleep without the tv on to distract me and i remember absolutely hating being alone in the beginning as it allows your mind to wander.

I couldnt hold conversations either as it took so much concentration to try and listen to what others were saying and i kept drifting off and thinking about Freya.

Look after yourself and keep talking to us xx

spilt glad you dont have an infection

We have found a lovely keyworker flat and have put our names down for it and we are now playing a waiting game to see if we get it. Im keeping everything crossed as i wanna be moved in before Elke comes along.

Hi all,

Glad you don't have an infection spilt and hope the flat works out badger. We ended up moving the week after loosing
Petal and while it may seem mad it actually gave us some comfort as it felt like a new start away from the pain and heartache we'd felt in our old flat. Of course, we do still have the spare room here now that should be our little girl's bedroom but I think because we knew we had lost her before we moved in it's not been as difficult. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for those parents who have the whole nursery set up and lose a little one. Anyway, for us moving was one of the few positive things to happen at that time - we do love the new house and it is because of Petal that we found it, so she's helped us even though she couldn't share it with us. And hopefully that spare room will be occupied soon.

We had our first family wedding yesterday. Had very mixed feelings about it all beforehand. Got especially worried about wearing a new loose-fitting top I'd bought in case anyone wrongly assumed I was trying to hide another pregnancy. Couldn't get it out of my head! As it was the evening passed without incident. Everbody seemed very warm and pleased to see us. You could sense their sympathy but as expected nobody actually mentioned it or asked us about it. Don't know whether I feel relieved or annoyed about that. While I wouldn't have wanted to get upset in front of everyone, I also feel quite angry that everyone acted as if nothing had happened. Was also hard being with my two not-a-care in the world pregnant sister-in-laws and thinking the whole time "why couldn't that have been me"?

Hope you've been able to get a bit more sleep lemonsherbet

I have a question. This is probably going to be too much information. I am still bleeding is this normal? It was the 14th when I delivered so it is now 2 half weeks ago. Sorry for asking this just do not know who else to ask.