Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

How did the hen do go ilove?

It's not quite the same but back in December I skived off of a work colleague's leaving gathering before she went on maternity leave - again I couldn't manage the fussing over her pregnancy, the nervous glances at me. What you are feeling is NORMAL and you mustn't beat yourself up for it.

sabine I'm glad you found the chinese practioner helpful. The herbal drink sounds vile... what is it?
Just noticing your comments on your baby's size and dates. My experience was that we heard the heartbeat at 17 weeks at a check up and then found out at the 20 week scan that she had died, so we know she died somewhere within that 3 week period. However, on delivery Bobbie only measured about 14.5 weeks, so her development had obviously stalled/slowed for quite some time. lucky was told by her consultant that it is possible for the baby to shrink after death too. So it's impossible to say really, just that I learnt that size doesn't necessarily correspond to date of death. I hope the postmortem can give you some of the answers you need.

You don't sound stupid at all about the locket and photo. I found I needed something tangible. It's one of the really hard things about losing an unborn baby - there's nothing left to prove they were there. That was part of why we chose to have Bobbie buried, so there would always be her little plot of land with her name on. I also hoarded any item that related to her in my memory box - the ribbon that was on the flowers that went on her grave on the day of the burial, my pregnancy tests, every card or note we received from people that mentioned or even alluded to her. I put a picture of her hands up in the living room because I wanted people to see and to know that she existed and is still our baby. Hope you are doing ok x

Hi spilt

It was fine actually - really good fun, and nowhere near as bad as I thought.
How are you doing?

I had a very vivid dream last week that I gave birth to a baby boy, and we called him Jude. He was alive but born fast asleep - and I had such an immense sense of loss when I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep so i could hold him again . But it also made me feel positive in a strange way.

Hi,

How is everybody doing?

sabine, I hope you are doing ok. I'm still up and down a lot now so it's only natural that you feel like this so early on. It might not feel like it now but gradually the minutes, hours and eventually days between the bigger downs do get longer. The downs don't go away but in time it does begin to feel a bit less raw.

I had baby dreams earlier in the week iloveblue - think it was triggered by going to our local SANDS group. They weren't too distressing but caught me off guard as so far I haven't actually had any dreams or nightmares before. It's good that you were able to take something positive from yours, even though I can imagine how you felt when you woke up.

At the SANDS meeting we met a couple who had very recently lost their baby, similar age to us and in somewhat similar circumstances to us... first baby and they found out in a scan that something wasn't quite right but doctors didn't know what. Like us they went through the rollercoaster weeks of tests and anxiety, with glimmers of hope that all might be ok. Their little boy also had a heart problem. He made it to around 33 weeks. It was so sad to see them, knowing how hard those first weeks and months are but hopefully we were able to offer them some small comfort by understanding what they were going through and answering their questions about how we've approached those first hurdles. I hope they felt a little less alone. I'm sure they will go on to have their baby.

I'm waiting on period... which these days is a source of great excitement for me! Clear Blue monitor said I OV'd a week and a half ago. Nasty filling is out now and crown finished Tues so green light to try again next month.

Hope all is well Spilt and Badger.

XXX

Just come across this and thought I would share. Has brought tears to my eyes but is so well put. X

Stillbirth - The Wall

Written by Rachel mum to Angel Rhianna

You are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining and all
...

is going ok and then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts ? really hurts.

It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is and your stomach.

And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall can. Stops you dead in your tracks. And you stand there thinking ?How did I not see that coming ? What the hell happened ? How could someone just do that to me ?? And you look around and everyone else seems to be walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing happened and the sun is still shining for them. They don?t even see the wall. They don?t even know its there.

And you realise you didn?t know it was there until you hit it ? you didn?t even know there was a brick wall you could hit ? not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself together. The pain in your stomach goes away but your heart still hurts and your mind is racing with questions about this brick wall ? how, what, where, why ?? Mostly why ? Why on earth would someone make you walk into this wall ? why did they have to put it in front of you and no-one else ? And you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs has subsided. So you slowly make your way round the wall and to the other side. But it doesn?t look the same on the other side. It?s greyer and emptier.

And you know you?ve left something behind ? something very precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when you realise you can?t go back. Its blocking your path and it will always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it but it?s unbreakable and absolute. It won?t let you get your precious bundle back ? that has to stay on the other side and you must carry on without it.

You can?t go back to the path you were on before you hit the brick wall ? it?s impossible. So all you can do is go forward and walk on from it. But its hard-going and your legs don?t seem to want to walk away from it. You know when you look over your shoulder it will always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely you will always be able to see it ? even in the distance. And you look around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall carrying on too. You tell some of them about the brick wall and they sympathise ? it must have hurt they say. You are looking well despite hitting this brick wall ? you have no cuts or bruises on the outside because those heal. So you must be doing ok then now they say ?

But my wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know about this brick wall ? why couldn?t you walk into it instead of me ? And then you feel bad ? you know you wouldn?t really want anyone else to walk into that wall. Some people are ok ? maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the past or come close to it - maybe they are really good friends and family who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They are the ones who help you keep walking away from it. People tell you that you?ll never hit this brick wall again ? it only appears once in your life. And you want to believe them even though you can?t be sure.

Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross back into the sunshine again ? the same sunshine that everyone else is basking in. And you can just maybe make out another bundle waiting for you to pick up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you are strong and keep moving forward then you?ll reach it one day. But it?s not the same bundle as before ? it can?t be. That one is behind the wall. The wall that?s always there if you look over your shoulder. And written on it in forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that only you can see ? My darling baby. RIP

Rachel ? written for my much-missed daughter Rhianna

who was born sleeping 16th October 2005.

Hi star
Thank-you for sharing that. I agree, its very well put.
Good to hear you are gearing up for TTC and sounds like you are being a great support to that couple.

I've just seen the news that Kelly Brooke has just lost her baby at 5 months pregnant .

What is going on? I had never heard of any celebrity having a late loss, until it happened to me and since then there have been three : Lily Allen, Amanda Holden and Kelly Brooke. And I don't think it is because I'm just more aware of it. I was just looking at a picture of Kelly (with her little bump) and her chap looking really happy a few days ago. Its heartbreaking

Hi everyone,

How are you all doing?

Star any signs of your period yet? Im glad the SANDS meeting are going well and that you are able to offer some comfort and hope to that other couple.

Ilove I have no idea whats going on. It feels like every few months a celeb is losing a baby late on in their pregnancy. Is it happening more often or is it because we talk about this taboo subject better nowadays?? It scares me and takes me straight back to that awful day i found out every single time.

sabine How are you holding up? I hope you have lots of support around you. Im still looking for a locket that is just perfect so i can have a picture and lock of Freya's hair with me at all times, so no, it doesnt sound stupid at all.

spilt Hows it going?

I had another consultant meeting today and thankfully met a wonderful man who listened to everything i had to say and couldnt see a problem with anything i have requested so booked my section in for me.

Im still in shock as i was so expecting to have to fight again and be told to come back another time like so many times before.

So Elke will be born on 14th June 2011 4 weeks and 6 days to get through. Ive had words with her to keep going and i know her big sister will be watching over her keeping her safe for me

woohooo badger!! fantastic news on your section and lovely new consultant. Will he be looking after you from now on and doing the section? Hope so. So is that happening at 37 weeks?

I'm doing well thanks. I saw my MW today for my 25 week check and everything is still going well. Froggy has gone a bit wild today and I reckon was doing a jive My side (where her feet were) was like a cauldron for about 10 mins with all the wiggling, punctuated by some almighty kicks. Was a good job I was alone in the office as I was transfixed and sat there with my top up

star thank you for sharing that piece. Hope your period shows up soon and the very best of luck for this cycle x

ilove I'm glad the hen do was easier than you feared. Did you think any more about naming your little boy?

sabine hope you are ok x

It is awful about Kelly Brook, poor poor family. Made me really cross as well the number of threads I saw on here saying "oh my goodness, terrible news... I'm 20 weeks and now really scared of this happening to me... anyone else??" And I think, no, I'm not scared because of the news story, I'm scared because this has Already Happened To Me, and no, it almost certainly won't happen to you. But then I am an unreasonable bum like that.

Oh wow Badger - thats so exciting!
I remember when I first started this thread - you were quite newly pregnant and now you're almost there. I'm glad you finally got your lovely consultant and got things sorted. Must be a huge relief.

Glad all is well with you and froggy spilt - being past viability must feel good.

This article was lined to on another thread - its Daily Mail and not brilliant, but seems like late losses are becoming a topic for discussion.

spilt and ilove thank you.

Im so happy i cant stop smiling but slightly crapping myself at the thought of the section now its all booked haha

Im booked in for my section at 38+2 weeks just gotta keep going til then. I really really hope i make it. Surely we all deserve a bit of happiness after the crap we have been through over the last few months.

ilove i just read that article and i feel terribly sorry for the celebs that have lost their babys but im so glad its making people talk about it and face up to it.

I really love and hate those baby dreams. They are so real and i get so sucked into them. Its completely heartbreaking when you wake up and realise it wasnt real life.
If you do decide to name your little boy, Jude is a beautiful name xx

spilt i saw that thread too and had to move away from it as people were really annoying me BUT its not as bad as a thread i saw about 'count the kicks' campaign where someone mentioned that werent late mc and stillbirths 'natures way of removing a defective fetus'. I had to turn off the computer as i was so angry... Some people have absolutely no idea and are incredibly lucky it has never happened to them or people around them.

I cant believe your 25 weeks already. (Well done froggy for making mummy feel better by having a good old dance)
Have you had thoughts about your birth yet or is it still too far away to think about?

Badger that idiot poster on the count the kicks thread was severely taken to task and re educated and was gracious enough to admit her ignorance and appalling phrasing and apologise. Cargirl is still valiantly bumping the thread every couple of days to make people aware which I think is brilliant.

I haven't really thought specifically about the birth, but I suppose I have modified my thoughts a bit from last time. I still want to be MW led and to try a waterbirth. I'm now planning on going to hospital though and for Bobbie I had planned to be at home.

Of course you deserve the happiness and a healthy little girl. The trouble is, none of us ever deserved the awful things that happened already so it's hard to feel comforted isn't it? I believe in your little Elke

spilt I started off with a waterbirth with my son and would highly recommend it. It was wonderful

I'm off to check this other thread out - or maybe I shouldn't

Hi all,

No sign of period yet but have felt crampy for last couple of days. Def not PG - did a test just on the outside chance! Have decided I'll give it the weekend to appear and if not will be visiting the doctor on Monday to see what I can do to kick-start things again.

Glad to hear everything's ok for you both Badger and Spilt. Good news that you've got things sorted with the consultant Badger and sending you all positive vibes and good luck for the weeks ahead.

It must be so nice to be seeing all that movement Spilt. I never felt a thing before - I think you were the same. To be honest, out little one never seemed that active on the scans either and that always bothered me, especially once we knew there could be something wrong. I'm really hoping for an active one next time.

Sabine glad to hear you are bearing up although know only too well how fragile you are feeling. I may end up moving onto vile herbal concoctions if my cycle doesn't sort itself soon. It was always on the long side but since our loss it has been even ridiculously sluggish and at a time when I need it to be firing on all cylinders. I don't think I can take the pain of having to wait for ages to conceive. I would have had polycystic ovaries last time yet still got pregnant within 3 months but at the moment I'm not sure what's going on.

X

Hi sabine - glad to hear you are feeling a little stronger.
I was off work for 6 weeks after my late loss - but I only work part-time.
Don't rush to go back - take as much time as you need.
Its really important that you get yourself back to some kind of normal before you even think about going back - especially with your line of work.
Are your employers supportive?

Have a fab time in Dublin - sounds fab, I would love to see a Frida Kahlo exhibition x

Hope AF appears soon star x

No sign yet. Getting very tetchy about it but know there's no point trying to get doctor onside until I've at least given it the weekend to appear.

This all seems to be taking so long! I know it's not really compared to what some women go through - lady at work is currently on clomid and so far hasn't worked so at least I'm not at that stage - but after everything we've gone through it would be nice if this could go right now.

How's everyone?

sabine you asked about time off work. I took 6 weeks off and then felt I ought to go back, not that I was ready to. I went in for a phased return, the plan being I would do 3 days the first week, 4 the next and 5 the week after. I couldn't cope and was in hysterics by the end of day 2 and nearly drove the car off the road. DH called an end to it for that week and we spoke to my boss and changed the plan to a much slower phase in - Mon, Weds, Fri mornings only first of all, then slightly longer days, then those three full days, then slowly adding in the other days. It was a 6 week phase in the end but still I found it exhausting.

Don't push yourself or try to do anything you aren't ready for. I took some comfort from thinking that if I had lost my baby at 24 weeks rather than 20 I could have taken up to a year of mat leave if I felt I needed it. I can't see that 24 weeks would have been any harder than 20, but there we all seem to be beating ourselves up for not being able to function normally within about 4 weeks!

I had a really hard day on Saturday. Another "first" hurdle to get over. Finally I saw the friends of ours whose baby is about 10 days younger than Bobbie would have been.

I couldn't really look at the baby, and when he cried it went right through me. It reminded me of the first days back at work, sitting there, so physically tense that I pulled muscles and ached afterwards, a rigid jaw and jumpy eyes. It was at a mutual friend's house and I knew they would probably be there.

Just before we were supposed to go over I panicked and started crying and crying and begged DH to go on his own. It was horrible and I felt so scared Scared of dissolving in tears when we saw them, scared of how much it would hurt, scared of ending up in that black place where the grief takes over again, scared of their pity and compassion (you know how that can set you right off can't it?!). But I did go and I'm proud of myself.

It's just so draining. I never realised babyloss could do this to you, or that it lasted so long. I miss her.

Hi spilt, it sounds like you were very brave. It's like you say, yet another hurdle. At the moment I'm doing my best to not think about the fact that both my sister-in-laws are now pregnant, with babies due in Sept and Oct. I was really upset when we first found out but since then have figured there's little point in putting myself through thinking about it unless I really have to. It is the whole 'order of grandchildren' bit that gets me as we had always thought we would be next and both pregnancies were a bit of a shock.

I am dreading Christmas as it should have been our first as parents and now there will be two new babies in the family when ours isn't here. My in-laws are very into the whole big family Christmas idea but me and DH have already agreed that this will be just too difficult for us and we'll have to come to some kind of arrangement that's not going to be too traumatic for us.

On the old TTC front. We are now back in the game so to speak as of the weekend but still no sign of the period I thought I should be expecting. Went back to doctor, who has been very sympathetic, and she's put me on Metformin for the polycystic ovaries as she's sure this is what is causing the lack of menstrual action. Hopefully this will work and get me ovulating again and back into a more normal cycle - I have only had one proper period in six months. Could also help me shift the stubborn half stone I wanted to lose too.

I had originally been keen to do things the natural way but I have waited 6 months and tried accupuncture and dietry changes and not really seen much improvement - and my scan had clearly shown PCO - so I kind of feel ok about it. I was worried about concieving on a drug but doc has actually advised me to take it until I'm 12 wks pregnant as the risk of early miscarriage is higher in women with PCO and metformin can bring this down. Have also been told I have an increased risk of gestational diabetes and if I had developed this they would put me on metformin anyway.

We'll see!

X

oh sabine I am so sorry, it's so strange and hard hearing that information. I'm glad a reason has given you some peace about your baby. Did you find out the gender as well or not?

Hi Sabine,

While it's an awful situation to be in I'm glad they were able to give you a definite reason for losing your little one and that this has given you some comfort. I know it did for us. Sadly for both of us the problems were there right from the very early days and as you say nature took over. In our case it was a rare heart defect.

Hope you're ok spilt