Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

As someone looking in on your situation star i would probably say its best to wait to ttc and get all the dental work out of the way seeing as you have already started it now

BUT (and its a massive but)

i know full well i wouldnt actually take my own advice. I remember how desperate i was to get pregnant and having to wait 8 weeks for blood tests was too long for me.

Believe me a pregnancy after a loss is unbelievably stressful just by itself, if you got pregnant now i think you would be adding to your stress by worrying about if you have caused extra risks with the work done so far on your teeth.

..... So in actual fact im no help what-so-ever as iv talked you out, then in then out again. xxx

That's what I've been doing all day badger!

You don't sound mad to me sabine and actually with hindsight I think it's good that you're being so honest with people. I feel that we tried to sanitise things for other people too much during the early days and perhaps gave the impression we were more ok than we really were. I think that may have meant some people thought/think we were/are 'over it' and have just got on with life when inside my head and within the walls of home we're certainly not.

sabine you poor love. So sorry you've found yourself here with us, and so so very sorry about the loss of your precious little baby. My baby girl Bobbie was born sleeping in October last year, I was 20 weeks pregnant too. It has been the most hellish experience of my life. I can't really describe how black the first 6 weeks or so were for me, but some of my earlier posts on this thread are from that time. It's now over 6 months on and those horrendous dark days still come, but less often than they used to. The strength of grief is shocking.

Well done for your trip to town, you've done so well to even make it out the house. Don't feel you shouldn't be let loose on the population. You are going through the crappiest and hardest thing, and you mustn't worry about making other people uncomfortable. You are the one dealing with the loss of your baby, not them. Their temporary uncomfortableness is nothing to your distress. Please don't worry about other people.

Did you name your baby?

star how tremendously frustrating about the dental work. If it was me I would tie myself in knots and fret and worry and give in to temptation and ttc anyway. I'm not sure that's the sensible answer, but I wouldn't be able to stand the waiting. Good luck deciding x

badger how are you feeling as you come up to 31+4? When's your next scan?

sabine i think you are doing amazingly well to be able to get out of the house at all.
I couldnt hold conversations with anyone as i couldnt concentrate for more than a min without my mind wandering and then ending up crying.
I was insanely jealous of all the pregnant women i saw, and there always seems to be millions when you really dont wanna see them. And most of all i felt almost betrayed by my body as, not only had it not looked after my baby and kept her alive, it went back to looking non pregnant within days. As if she never existed...

spilt in a word, terrified!
I am now taking things hour by hour just incase i only have 2 days left with this baby. Our scan is booked for Thursday afternoon.
I just cant wait to get it over with, if we still have a live baby by then it will be the longest iv ever been pregnant with a girl.

How far are you now Spilt? Hows it going? Do you feel a bit better now you have passed your milestone of the 20 weeks scan? Have you thought of any names for little Frog? I still love that name haha

sabine we had the same heartache over the baby's gender and we didn't find out that she was a girl until 6 weeks afterwards when we saw our consultant. It was so horrible not being able to just say "he" or "she", especially at her burial. We did name her straight away, but deliberately went for a unisex name. I hope your BIL and SIL can give you some respite from the older children, it must be so hard to not have much space to yourself just now.

Poor you badger, I can well imagine how stressed you are just now, it's knackering. Froggy is doing ok as far as we know. I'm 23+2 now. She's had a quiet day today after a burst of activity yesterday, but it goes like that at the moment with this wretched front on placenta. I can still feel some movement but it's very internal and I only notice it if I'm paying attention, whereas yesterday she made me yelp in surprise a number of times and I was watching my stomach twitch! I think now we're quite a way past the 20 week mark I have relaxed a fair bit, especially because I can feel movement and can see myself growing now, so I'm just hoping this continues! I still can't bring myself to believe there will really be a baby coming home in August, but I do believe I'll have a live one tomorrow now which is tremendous progress. Really hope that it gets easier for you soon xx

Hi everyone
Just a quickie - just wanted to say good luck for the scan tomorrow Badger. x

You sound so strong sabine. I remember just not being able to speak, and crying at any sign of sympathy or kindness wherever I was. Your poor little daughter. Best of luck for the appointments, I hope they help you figure out what happens next.

I feel like crap today. Nothing particular has happened, just that horrible heavy sense of another big low being just round the corner and I get a bit panicked and start trying to figure out how to hide from the world again so I can hole myself up and sink again. It's all just such a bloody waste and I miss her so much.

badger thinking of you, and wishing you a peaceful night and a good scan and a live baby girl still with you by the end of tomorrow xx

So today is the day iv been dreading since i first found out i was pregnant.

31.4 weeks is the day that Freya never made it to the end of... I was feeling strangly calm last night but this morning im just tense. We have a scan this afternoon and i just know today is gonna drag.

Come on Elke, keep going for your Mummy, Daddy and Big brother.

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've not been on for a week or so...
Badger wishing you all the very very best for you and your little Elke..
Sabine I've just read your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you; I know you don't think it but you are doing so so well at such a very difficult time. Wishing you lots of caring hugs and hope that the next few weeks pass as calmly and as peacefully as possibly. Let yourself grieve, don't be too tough on yourself..
Blue so lovely you check in and say hello to everyone. It's so amazing that you have given so much heartfelt advice and support to so many mummies who have been thru such awfully sad losses.
Personally, I am feeling stronger each day. Much fewer 'dark' thoughts and I am genuinely looking forward to the future now. Feel like I can smile a little easier and am not completely preoccupied with my loss. (Although as I write this those feelings of guilt and sadness do bubble up). Still early days for us all and time is only a number if you know what I mean.
Spilt I hope you are ok.. I know exactly how you are feeling and sometimes it does feel easier just to hide away. Please remember tho you must keep expressing yourself and talking about those feelings (even if it is chatting here). Be kind to yourself.
Much love to all and healing hugs too. xx

Badger how are you? I've been worrying about you today. Much love xx

Thanks spilt and desertmummy.

Today has been incredibly tough and i cant wait for it to be over with. We just got home from our scan and unfortuately it was with the arsehole dr we saw last time as my cons is now off til May 23rd.

We knew something had been said when i checked in and had the receptionist say to me ' oh your the woman who stormed out last time....erm, no, i must be talking about another woman' desperately trying to backtrack.
I did not storm out last time, i left at the end of my appointment but left quickly as i had panda eyes from crying my heart out to an arsehole dr.

We were kept waiting for over an hour then when we went in the dr barely looked at us let alone spoke to us. He rushed everything he could as he believed this was an unnecessary scan (as he told us last time) and told us if we wanted to talk about birth plans we could wait til may 23rd when my consultant was back... Im due June 26th and expected to have Elke 2 weeks early, i want to talk about my choices dammit and preferrably more than a week before.

I walked out and ended up bursting into tears to the nurse specialist. She actually listened to what i was saying and has promised to get me a different consultant to talk too so we can discuss and set things in motion.

I just dont understand how hard it is to understand that pregnancy is stressful enough without constantly thinking your baby is gonna die again.
All i want is little goals to work towards and some answers but im being treated like im making life difficult for them and what im asking is too much.

Plus work have 'forgotten' to pay me. Great, so ill just 'forget' to pay my bills and it will all be fine will it!

And to top it all off im now getting trouble from my mum who has an amazing knack of kicking off whenever we have a signficant date or period in my pregnancy that relates to Freya and her death.

I really dont think i can cope with anymore stress at the min, i think my head is gonna explode...

And of course i have now let everything get in the way of the most important part that my little girl is still alive!!!

Iv never been this pregnant with a live baby girl before

God what a day . But to the main news that she is live and well!!

Really sorry you've been lumped with such a git of a doctor again, some people just have no idea of compassion do they? Fingers crossed the nurse lady will be able to help arrange something with a different doc who will be more humane. I bet your DH was really mad with them.

So are you on mat leave now? Is that why they've mucked up the pay?

desertmummy hello again, glad you are feeling a bit stronger now. The guilt is par for the course I'm afraid, but do hold on to the fact that having better days does NOT mean you love and miss your baby any less. And bad days will still turn up to remind you of this. Look after yourself x

spilt I still dont know if im on mat leave now or accrued a/l, which HR were supposed to be sorting out weeks ago. But our HR being as fabulous (read shite) as always have moved at a snails pace and forgotten to tell payroll im still employed so i have just been paid for the last 2 weeks of SMP im due from my mat leave for Freya .

What a bastard of a day!!!

How are you doing?

I guess if SMP has just finished then you ideally should be A/L now, use up the year's allowance and then go straight to your second M/L? What a pain in the backside having to sort that out. Do it in writing!

I'm ok thanks, very happy to have another long weekend and feeling s bit nervous as we have a houseful of guests arriving tomorrow. There will be 7 of us in a 2 bed house for 2 days. We are mad. Everytime we do this (about once a year) I vow never again! Still, this time I shall mean it as we will not be doing this with a baby.

I am also keeping my legs firmly crossed as I am 24 weeks this weekend and I am bloody well going to get there. Please Froggy! The hope of possible viability feels almost within reach. Amazing to think some babies are born at the stage I am at now and survive. Obviously hoping to be pregnant a while longer though.

I felt exactly the same as you on the run up to 24 weeks. Its another milestone to get your baby to the viability line isnt it.

Cant believe your 24 weeks already and 'I shall mean it as we will not be doing this with a baby' makes me smile alot. Its lovely to hear you speaking about Froggy and planning future things like 'normal' people do

7 people in a 2bed house sounds insane hahaha are you all having a Royal Wedding party?

No, just taking advantage of the bank holiday weekend to have a last gathering of friends from uni. They are going home on Sunday so we get a day of rest on Monday before work! Sadly our 2 bed house is the biggest any of us has (a lot of the others are renting rooms) so if we all want to get together it has so far had to be here. Bloody hard work though. Praying for good weather so we can get outside!

The other thing about 24 weeks is I know whatever happens after that point I can take mat leave. One of the things that made losing Bobbie very hard practically was the sick note system. They would only do 2 weeks at a time. For the second week each time I got more and more wound up about having to go back to the GPs, fight for an appointment, hope it was a nice doc, and then I would get there and feel like I had to justify why I couldn't manage to go back to work yet, and get their "permission" not to. It was horrible. I only had 6 weeks off and spectacularly failed to cope when I tried to go back and had to talk myself out of crashing the car on the way home

The thought of going through that again makes me go all funny. Everytime I had to sit and cry in the GP's office trying to explain that my baby had just died and I couldn't cope, couldn't face anyone yet, had panic attacks when the phone rang etc. All the time thinking if I had been 4 weeks more pregnant then the grief would have been just the same but I could have just taken all the time I needed as mat leave without needing anyone's permission.

Which is why if I am going to lose this baby now, I really really need her to hang on for another couple of days to save me that extra hell. But. Deep breath. I am NOT going to lose her, she is going to be ok

Just had a bath and played poke and get kicked

Wish me luck for the weekend. I was having a big wobble earlier thinking how we'll have all our friends together (the sort of "family" unit we built at college) and yet Bobbie will be missing. And I may well be the only person to realise that. Really hoping someone find the words and the guts to let me know they've remembered.

Hello everyone

I'm sorry you've had such a crappy day when it should have been great Badger - but I'm so pleased that all is well with Elke. Hope you can get a new consultant sorted out.

24 weeks is a fab milestone spilt - I can't believe you are almost there already.

I'm so excited for you both!

Sabine - agree with everyone else on here, you sound like a very strong lady.

Nice to hear from you again desertmummy - I'm glad you are starting to feel more positive.

I've been okay - just had a huge wave of sadness today and I don't know where its come from. I'm tired I think.
There's a lady on our street who has 3 boys (and is expecting again) and I saw her today and thought, that should be me too.
I should have three boys. I can't stop thinking about him at the moment - have a huge lump in my throat.

Its my SIL-to-be's hen do this weekend which I'm looking forward to but DB's partner is going too who is expecting twins. I have seen her several times recently and its fine - its no longer awkward and they know how excited I am for them. But I know everyone else is going to be making a huge fuss over her, and thats going to be hard. And then I feel guilty and selfish for feeling like that - as she deserves to be made a fuss of.
Its crap

Spilt - I can totally relate to the 2 week sick leave thing. It is stressful on top of everything else.
But, you won't need to go through that again cause this baby is absolutely fine Have you got any names yet?

And good luck for the weekend - hope you have a lovely time, and I hope someone finds the words for you x

spilt Good luck and enjoy yourself, you certainly deserve it.
Bobbie will be there with you all even though not in body. Talk about her if no one brings her up to show you arent afraid to have your baby mentioned and you want her to always be a part of your group.

ilove Sending you a big hug. How are you feeling today?
I too have been guilty of not wanting to be part of a group where fuss is being made, rightly so, over someone elses pregnancy.
The feelings of hurt and guilt just never stop surely one day it will get easier... At least thats what im constantly telling myself.