Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Lovely to hear from you littlewish. I would echo ilove, very brave to be trying to take that deep breath.

I'm 21 weeks today. It's starting to feel a bit weird really, like going into unchartered territory. I've never been this pregnant before, it's all new all of a sudden. Scary as heck too!

Yesterday was 6 months since Bobbie was born. 6 months and it seems like a lifetime and also like it has flashed by. I know I have come a long way since those first black awful weeks when I just couldn't function, couldn't leave the house, hyperventilated when DH was driving on his own, wanted to go to sleep and not wake up ever again... But also, it's a bit startling how little has changed too. Nothing happens quickly in grief does it? I don't feel much stronger than I did say 8 weeks afterwards. Probably I am really, but I still feel like I'm walking around with no skin on, really raw and vulnerable.

Yesterday was curiously alright though. I was expecting it to be a lot worse but actually, apart from losing it a bit in tescos it was alright. Today though was really tough, and because I didn't see it coming, it seemed especially hard if that makes sense?

We visited Bobbie this morning and then went on to church. I don't know what got me, but I was on the edge of tears just sat in my seat waiting for the service to start. You know when your palms are sweaty, your heart races, your throat goes hot and lumpy and your eyes sting? So I was there with my wobbling lips, red eyes and sniffs for about 30 mins before I fled and went and sat in the graveyard on a tree stump and sobbed until the service finished and DH came out to find me. The whole service was on death not being the end, resurrection etc... just couldn't cope with it and felt like it was a load of b*llocks which upset me a lot. I was having really ranty sweary angry thoughts and hurting so much.

My faith has always been a big part of me and how I make sense of things that happen to me, and now it just doesn't make any sense and I feel completely disorientated and confused and that's hard on top of all the grief too.

Love to you all, it's a relief to be able to get thoughts out like this xx

(Gorgeous weather this weekend though, I have actually overheated in the sun twice today!)

Hi spilt
Happy 21 weeks!

Six months is a big milestone - and it does seem like a lifetime.
I've come to the conclusion that it really does change a person.
(Just realised thats almost exactly what Lily Allen said on her TV programme when talking about losing her son.)

I'm not religious in any shape or form - but I can understand your confused feelings at the moment. Your thoughts must still be all over the place at the moment - as well as the pregnancy hormones complicating matters.
Just give yourself some time - I'm sure it will all fall back into place, just maybe in a slightly different pattern.

I'm on Easter holidays - looking forward to spending some time with my boys.
Hope everyone else is okay x

Thanks ilove

I had a better day today. DH felt his first kick this evening, his face was a picture!

I think it was you who said the other day about having a short fuse with people these days? I can definitely relate to that too. As you say, it changes people to go through this and gives a totally different perspective on things. I measure everything against the awfulness of losing Bobbie, and consider most things as minor in comparison. But on the otherhand I have a lot more empathy for people who are bereaved and more awareness of how important it is to talk about their loss and to recognise what a long term beast grief is.

Hope you have a lovely couple of weeks at home with your boys and the sunshine x

Hi Everyone... Hi blue, it's me desertmummy!
Blue I just want to let you know, I've been seeing a counsellor.. I know that it may seem very soon after my loss but I simply wasnt' coping and was in the darkest place and my poor hubby was a bit lost.... Blue it helps, it helps so very much. Good luck and let us know if you find someone you can open up to. Here in dubai i have to pay for my counselling as my very expensive health insurance doesn't cover 'mental illness'. Thats nice hey?! I just think there are so many things that need to be said but can't necessarily be shared with our loved ones and as badger says knowing that everything you say is in confidence and not being judged is so very important too...
Blue i do not recognise myself any more. My 2 beautiful girls must wonder what happened to their mummy. I really can't stand my tears, sadness, anger and general intolerance of everyone. I haven't wanted to see my friends as I am scared I'll just literally crumble before them. 1 friend turned up yesterday to tell me the news she is pregnant - same due date as mine would have been and had just had 20 week scan. Needless to say i CRIED!! She had to leave as it was just too much...
Ramble ramble.. Sorry everyone, I have done my best to explain my 'story' on a different thread and can't go thru it all now..
And spilt its lovely to hear such happy news with your pregnancy. Bless you and your precious bundle and all other bumps out there.... Everyone else reading this who has lost their little angels I'm so sorry...
x

Hi again desertmummy
So glad you've popped in to chat to us here.

I am definitely going to look into counselling - like you say, there are things I want to talk about that I can't say to my family or friends.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I remember those early weeks so vividly. I know its a cliche but it does get easier with time, and we are all here to support you when you need it. x

On a lighter note, my Dad is working in Dubai at the moment. He is teaching there, and loving it.

Hi everyone,

Have had a few days away from MN. Felt pretty rubbish all weekend but the last couple of days have been better so hoping it will last. Trying very hard to get back on a more postitive keel again and take care of myself. Found this has helped my moods before as long as I keep it up.

Know what you mean spilt. We went to church on Sunday and the sermon was on a similar theme. I too have found church hard since everything happened. I've only really returned to church in the last few years after growing away from it as a teenager so my faith was only really starting to grow again and now I feel there is a block there at the moment. I suppose because I'm angry at how things turned out, even though I think deep down I do believe this will somehow make us stronger in the end.

Must be lovely for you both to feel the kicks now!

I know what you all mean about being less tolerant now. I find it very hard not to snap at my mum at the moment as she gets all het up about things which ultimately she either could change or are so trivial they don't matter. It's so frustrating when there is nothing we could have done to change what happened to us. I'm far more impatient with people moaning about their lot now.

Hello littlewish, lovely to hear from you again. And hello desertmummy. I've been speaking to a befriender from SANDs as a form of counselling and general support and have found that really helps, especially on my low days. I can just send her a text and she knows exactly how I'm feeling. I think she'll be a big help when we do ttc again. She too lost her first baby, a girl, in fairly similar circumstances to us 18 years ago. She went on to have two healthy boys and gives me hope for our future.

Take care everyone. Hi there badger, hope all is well.

X

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all ok. Had an ok week only for things to come crashing down again on Friday night when we found out my second sister-in-law is pregnant again with her third child. The other sister-in-law is also expecting. Cue lots of tears and generally feeling totally useless and angry at the world. Of course I don't want anything bad to happen to them but it feels so unfair that our little girl should be here and isn't and now two additional grandchildren are on their way. I can't help but feel a little bit like her place in the family is being taken. I also struggle with the fact that I am younger than both my sister-in-laws when they had their first three healthy children. Now they are 38 and 39 and have got through the 12 week scan that we didn't with no problems and while I wouldn't want it to be any other way for them I feel very angry that I couldn't produce a healthy baby at 31.

Anyway, hopefully my reactions will subside over the next few days. They did with the first announcement so sure they will again. I feel terrible for feeling angry and jealous about this and would hate them to know exactly how I've felt this weekend. They are all aware how hugely sensitive it all is for us and have done their best. It just feels like the whole world is moving on with their lives and we're stuck until we have the family we so desparately want.

It's our second wedding anniversary tomorrow so off work. That has also stirred the emotions as it's, once again, not how we envisaged it will be. Still, a short week and then all the bank holidays. Hoping Easter won't feel too tough. I've had too many significant dates all on top of one another over the last month.

Hope you're all doing and feeling ok.

xxx

Hi star
It does feel like a kick in the teeth doesn't it, and feels desperately unfair.
Its so hard when you're dealing with conflicting emotions.
Happy anniversary for tomorrow - have you got anything nice planned?

How is the TTC coming along?

Hi iloveblue. We're going out for the day tomorrow so hoepfully weather will be ok. The ttc is on hold for this month as I'm having dental work done next week and need an old filling drilled out. They say not to do this when you're pregnant due to small risk of mercury being in the dust from the old filling so thought it safest not to take any chances. Wasn't best pleased about the timing but would rather get it out of the way and not have to worry about it.

Enjoying some bubbly tonight for our anniversary.

Are you ok?

x

Oh yes, I remember you saying about the dentistry.

I'm okay thanks - feeling the best I've felt for a while and finally feel like I'm getting my life back on track. The sunshine helps!

Enjoy the bubbly and have a lovely day tomorrow x

Happy Anniversary star Hope you are having a lovely day with your husband xx

Sorry i keep popping up then disapearing again. Going through a bit of an emotional rollercoster here.

Im now 30 +1 weeks and im all over the place. Freya died at 31+4 and the closer i get to the day the ,more panic stricken i become.
I have been keeping a kick chart but instead of the one load of kicks ur supposed to record a day i have been doing it 3/4 times. Im slowly driving myself crazy and everytime the baby has a sleep im convinced she has died.

I cant even begin to think about the birth or what the hell is happening with our consultant at the min (he appears to be on longterm sick so may have to transfer).

I have a scan booked for next thursday which will be when im 31+4 and i just need to get to that day and through it and im hoping that some of my stress will be reduced and i cant get back into the frame of mind to fight our case.

I hope everyone is doing ok and enjoyng the sun xxx

Evening all x

Happy anniversary star, hope you have a special day.

Badger I really feel for you. I imagine it's a bit like I felt coming up to my 20 week scan. It drags you back to those couple of weeks/days last time and makes you relive it and lots of very strong emotions came out. I couldn't imagine getting over the hurdle with a live and healthy baby still to hope for and was convinced there would be terrible news. It's so hard. I also found it really hard after the scan too because I had this huge sense of loss for Bobbie and what we'd not had with her. Every next bit of pregnancy is something we missed with her, so whilst there are happy and exciting bits, they are all tinged with a deep sadness and sense of what could have been.

Yes too to the total neurosis about the baby dying every time they stop moving. I convinced myself of this on Friday (she was very quiet for most of the day) and was crying with worry on and off all day at work and in hysterics by the time I got home. We had a long dopplering session and listened to her heartbeat and the placenta whilst I just cried with the stress of it all. Then had to listen again 2 hours later as I was already panicking again. Baby is fine incidentally, had just hidden herself behind my sodding anterior placenta (I really could have done without a muffler this time!). She's been ever so lively today which has been lovely and I feel so much happier.

Take it one hour at a time, these days will pass, but they will be very hard too. Sending you strength and confident thoughts of a lovely little baby safe and well xx

star I'm sorry to hear about the pregnancy announcements. It sounds so painful. I'm lucky (??) in that all I've had to deal with so far are birth announcements for babies due within a couple of months of Bobbie, no new pregnancies thank God. At least with the births I knew the babies were coming long before we lost our little one. They were still bloody horrible though, and always sent me right back into the blackest days of grief. Don't beat yourself up about feeling so angry and jealous. It comes from a very deep hurt, not from any horribleness about you. My advice would be to give yourself time to get used to the news and try and keep your distance until it's a bit less raw and shocking.

Good luck for the tooth work, hope it's not too sore.

Glad you're having some better days ilove, long may they last!

Hi all,

Had a nice day yesterday. Went out for the day and have got some lovely jewellery presents from DH.

Can't imagine how terrifying it must be for you both spilt and badger. I hope to be joining you some time soon but not sure how I'm going to cope with it all.

I think we will keep our distance as much as we can. DH finds it hard too although he does worry more about how this looks as they're his siblings.

Tooth seems to be ok, thanks.

X

When you do join us star I will be here to hold your hand!

Thank you star that means a lot. But I will be a total nightmare! I've always had problems with anxiety and needing to feel in control of everything. My last pregnancy was a very tough lesson to learn - that despite all my best efforts I couldn't control the outcome. I'd like to say this has taught me a lesson but I'm still massively over cautious about everything.

Whoops, of course I meant thank you spilt in my last post!

sabine I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby. I hope you have lots of support around you at this incredibly hard time.

It is very very early days and right now you just need to look after yourself and not worry about anything else. Getting though those first few days are a blur and i think many of us felt the pain of just needing to be pregnant again to fill that gaping aching pain.

I lost my daughter last July at 31+4 weeks.

This thread has been a great help to me and is full of wonderfully supportive women. Dont ever been afraid to say anything on here as its a good place to be able to say the things you cant in real life and unfortunately the women on here have also experienced the gut wrenching pain of losing a baby so can understand exactly where you are coming from.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this awful time xxx

Hi Sabine
I'm glad you've found us here. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I also lost my baby at 20 weeks and remember the pain of the early days so well.
I know it is a cliche but it does get easier with time - be gentle with yourself and please stay and talk with us, it really does help.
I hope you have lots of support around you x

Hi badger too
How are you and Elke? Not long to go now

Hi ilove we are good thanks. 31 weeks today Im trying to take things one day at a time and not look too far forward at the minute.

How are you doing? Have you had a lovely Easter break with your boys?

Hello Sabine, so sorry you've had to join us. I lost our first baby, a little girl, at 20 weeks in November. We knew from the 12-week scan that we could have problems, although wasn't clear what. Then at 19 weeks our baby's heart started to fail. It turned our she had a rare congenital heart defect - a chance of around 1 in 40,000 and we were the unlucky ones.

The early days are all a bit of a blur and I remember being on autopilot half the time. Thinking of you.

Hi all,

Hope you've found Easter ok. We avoided one of the family gatherings as thought it'd be too much. Both my sister in laws are pregnant and while we love our niece and nephews, being around small children at the moment just reminds us of what we haven't yet got.

I've got a bit of a dilema I've been wrestling with all day. Thought I'd share as really starting to feel very niggled! . I've been using Clear Blue fertility monitor and today's stick tested positive, so I should be ovulating tomorrow . That I am pleased about as looks like cycles are settling.

You may remember I'd been annoyed aout having to have dental work right in the middle of my cycle. Well, this is where the problem comes in. We are absolutely desparate to try and very tempted to do so. I had the old amalgam filling removed a week ago - which was the dodgy bit you really need to avoid when pregnant, so that is all done. But I still have another week to go before the crown can be fitted. I am conscious a lot of people say to avoid unnecessary dental work in first trimester, although risk is low. Not sure how they fit a crown as it's my first one. I've already had the x-ray and mould taken, so it is just the final fitting left. I was also due to have a protective coating put on another tooth - and if I ttc then I think I'd definitely have to say no to this as will worry about exposure to chemicals.

I really don't want to wait but I also don't want to stress myself out by taking any risks - and for me I'm afraid that means any risk at all. So now I'm completely torn about what to do. I am desparate to try and get pregnant again - and really angry that the dental work has ended up falling the way it has. I have long cycles so it will feel like a missed opportunity if we don't as we will have to wait another - 5-6 weeks. But on the other had I know I could blame myself if something goes wrong and that is something I really don't need.

I could get all the dental stuff sorted and spend another month trying to get as fit and healthy as possible and concentrating on trying to relax more. I've heard teeth are likely to get worse during pregnancy so perhaps makes sense to get the lot sorted now and wait so that I don't have to worry about it later on (and perhaps when I am actually pregnant which would be even more stressful). Or I could just go for it...

Planned to speak to dentist tomorrow but she is pretty laid back and I imagine she won't be concerned. She does know what happened to us but I still don't think she can fully appreciate how big a deal this is for me.

Ahhhhh!