Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi everyone,

Sorry i havent been around for a while. Just been trying to get through things this end.
Having a rough time lately.
After seeing my consultant at 16 weeks and him saying 'i want this baby out at 38 weeks as the stillbirth rate rockets', 4 weeks ago he changed his mind and is now saying 40 or even 42 weeks!!!! and i should think about an induction rather than the section i was offered.
I came away from this meeting and spent the day sobbing.

Today we had a growth scan to check and was geared up to talk to him again about our wishes but he is now off sick for a few weeks so after waiting for an hr we managed to see his stand in (while being reminded there were 3 other ppl waiting so we would hurry up).

The poor stand in dr got my tears and my husbands anger at the goal posts keep being moved.
I was told that as a nurse i should understand that things change from their point of view. Yes i understand this but i am, and always will be, a mother of a stillborn daughter first and i cant just forget what happened to Freya.

He kept reminding us that the chances of stillbirth repeating 'was very low' but so is the chance of it ever happening and guess what it did to me.

Apparently there is no medical reason for me to have the baby at 38 weeks other than my emotional distress and that isnt enough... So why was i offered it?!?!

I know its early to be thinking about birth plans at 27.4wks (as i was reminded again today) but i lost Freya at 31.4 and the closer i get to that date the more paniced i get and i know i wont be able to think of anything but getting through everyday with my daughter still alive.

I need something constant to work towards. My goal to keep me sane. And its just cruel to keep moving it further and further away.

Sorry to rant but im just so angry and upset today

Oh badger that sounds like a nightmare. Everything you say and feel makes total sense to me, I wish your doctors could understand!

Know exactly what you mean about being told the risks are low and that screaming in your head that says "they were bloody low last time, look what happened!!"

I'm amazed that they think delivery at 38 weeks isn't justified. For mothers who've had stillbirths (as a pose to late miscarriages) it seems standard to offer induction/section at 37 weeks, and a lot of that is precisely because of the mental distress and stress caused by waiting.

Do you have a good GP who you could go and talk to? I wonder if they could explain to the consultant how much stress this is causing and fight your corner a bit?

spilt Im so stressed and keep crying. If this was the options why wasnt i told at the beginning so i could think about that before i got pregnant again.
I just dont feel strong enough right now to have to go through a massive battle to get what i want at the hardest time in my pregnancy.

The fact they are now trying to push an induction as i had a 'good first birth' (said by consultant today AND he was talking about Freyas birth!!!!).
My actual first birth with Finn was 42+6wks, a 36hr labour,synto drip, hospital transfer, crash team, baby in distress and DR doing a ventouse while the theatre team were prepping me for a crash section.... Yeah, a fabulous first birth Dr Stand in!!!

I have a lovely GP thankfully so i think i may go and see her and have a word with my midwife next week. Its just all so stressful and upsetting.

oh I wish I could give you a hug. Not that it would make anything any better, but more as solidarity.

Your first birth sounds traumatic enough without Freya's to compound it. And to face this when you're feeling so vulnerable and not strong enough to fight is just... there aren't words are there.

See your GP and just tell her what's happening and how frightened you are and see what she says. Would your DH come with you? Or could you write some of it down just in case you get too upset to talk?

Think ill spend the weekend writing everything down so i can get it straight in my head and do some research into babies born at 38 weeks too. I know my Dr is on a/l until late next week so i wont see her til the following week but thats better than nothing.
Im sure my DH would come with me as he is being absolutely amazing taking on everything he can to keep my stress levels down.

Congratulations on getting to 19 weeks Spilt. I know the next few days are gonna be really stressful for you to leading up to your scan. Im so glad you are feeling movements now too as they can be so reassuring (although another source of stress when your baby decides to turn or fall asleep and not move, Do you hear me Elke ).
Are you gonna find out the sex of this baby?

Tell me about it with the sporadic movement! It does my head in. Yes we want to know the sex this time. I want to stop saying "it". This one is currently known as The Frog due to weird frog like springing around.

Hope you sleep ok tonight x

Oh badger - what a load of fuckwits.
I'm sorry, but it was the first thing that popped into my head and I just had to say it.
Why can't they look at it from your shoes for two minutes and realise that a C-section at 38 weeks is not much to ask for after all you've been through.

I would definitely talk to your GP and midwife about it and fight your corner as much as you can. Is there any possibility of transferring to another hospital if the worst comes to the worst?

I don't understand how the consultant can even use your 'good first birth' as a reason to push for induction, as it was at 31 weeks so isn't realistic anyway.

Happy belated birthday star - I hope your periods start to sort themselves out soon, must be very frustrating.

Can't wait to hear if The Frog is a boy or a girl spilt.
Do you have any inkling?

Sounds like a nightmare badger. Surely they must be able to understand what you're feeling. Our loss wasn't even that late and I know I'm already thinking ahead now and worrying about delivery as we just know too much now. And I'm not even pregnant yet! Can only begin to imagine how anxious you must feel. Have they given any real explanation as to why they now feel it is appropriate to try and change what you had planned. I too thought it was quite standard to offer to deliver at 38 weeks for those who had been through a stillbirth.

Love the nickname Frog spilt! I know what you mean about people using Bobbie's name. We too have only very recently started using Petal and even now only with very close family. Like you say, it's hard now to introduce it to anyone else without having to go through all the explanation.

Awww spilt i love The Frog hahaha Had a pretty crap nights sleep and have woken up in awful mood but i guess that was to be expected.

ilove believe me i used much stronger words to describe my consultants yesterday

star Im just so sick of them keep changing their minds. I was offered everything at the beginning and i was so positive and they are slowly taking everything away the closer i get to the end.

Hello all,

Imagine you've all found today as hard as I have. One big "if only...". I'm glad it's almost over.

On a more positive note, I never thought I'd see the day I'd feel so pleased to see my period, which arrived yesterday. Hopefully, this will be the start of a return to normal cycles. I had thought I might have been ovulating a couple of weeks ago which would be about right. It has made this weekend that little bit easier as I feel able to feel a little bit more optimistic about the future again.

Good luck again for the scan spilt, all my best wishes will be with you.

Hope you feel a little bit better badger and are able to speak to your doctor later this week.

Good luck for today spilt - thinking of you x

Thanks for your messages.

All looking good here , all organs in the right place and no visible brain or eye damage. Consultant's own words about the toxoplasma "You've had your shit from that one"

Still measuring a bit ahead, and incase anyone's interested (I love the measurements!) baby spilt has HC 180mm, AC 159mm, FL 35.8mm and estimated current weight of 407g. Bless! And is looking like a pink one again

I feel very very lucky today. She gave a little yawn when he did a face close up, and then scrunched her fists up and hid her face behind them which was very cute. But since he was trying to look at her eyes it was a little tricky!

I can also say that it was the most utterly terrifying scan I have ever waited for, much worse than the earlier ones.

star excellent news about your cycle looking more settled, I hope it behaves itself next month too. Are you hoping to ttc now?
Also know what you meant about mother's day. A very strange day. To me I am a mum of 2, to most of the rest of the world I don't have children. DH bought me a lovely card and wrote a little poem in it which made me cry, and we went to visit Bobbie which made me cry too, so all in all an emotional day!

That's fantastic news spilt, so pleased for you. Can imagine how terrified you must have felt. Lovely that you saw so much detail - was it 3D?

Must be a huge relief. I meant to say the other day how nice it must be to be feeling movement. Like you with Bobbie, I never felt Petal move as she was too sick and small, as well as having an anterior placenta which wouldn't have helped. Must be very comforting to be feeling things now.

Yes, AF is in full flow so to speak (sorry if too much info but I'm actually very pleased with it for once!). My periods this time last year when I came off the pill never really got back to what I'd call normal and before I knew it I was pregnant. This time it feels like things are back to how they should be. And yes, gulp, we do want to start ttc again. Will have to try very hard to remain calm about this!

Fab news spilt - I'm so pleased all is well. You can now start looking to the future. Have you got any names yet?

I got a lovely letter from my consultant today. It was just summarising what we talked about during our appointment but was worded in a very compassionate way. She also outlined the support available for when I get pregnant again - including an early reassurance scan, a scan at around 16/17 weeks plus extra scans and appointments with her in the later stages too if I want. Has made me feel much more positive.
They still havn't got the results from the blood test I had to have the day of the appointment (as the first one had been lost) - and when I spoke to her secretary today she said its unusual to take so long, so once that is back I will feel better again.

Congratulations spilt Im so glad everything went well and Frog is doing well .
I know exactly how terrifying that scan is and im glad it was all good news.

star How great that your periods are back and looking like a normal cycle. Good luck for when you do decide to TTC again.

ilove It makes such a difference when you have a wonderful consultant who actually listens to you and your concerns rather than fobbing you off doesnt it

As for Mothers Day, it was hard as im sure it was for all of you. I spent most of Saturday in tears just thinking about it so decided i didnt want a Mothers Day. I got a card and pressie from my son, Freya and new bump in the morning and then didnt mention it for the rest of the day. Well except to try and not kill my mother (in the nicest possible way) as she couldnt quite understand why i didnt wanna celebrate it

Hi everyone,

Have had a low couple of days. Not sure why but now my due date has been and gone I can't help but keep thinking how we should now have our newborn in the house but we haven't and still seem so far away from that dream at the moment. Hopefully I'll feel more positive again soon. The lower my mood the more I struggle with my anxiety issues and generally feel pretty useless. Cried bitterly last night and have felt drained all day today. Sorry this such a downbeat post but so few people understand and I know you guys do.

Hope everyone's ok - bumps as well!
x

star I do understand. The hard days are really hard, and really frightening too I find - I worry about it never getting easier and get scared of facing really low times every few weeks. They can be so black and awful. Wish I could advise or make it better for you somehow, but really you just have to keep plodding through and eventually there will be another "better" day. One foot in front of the other. It's exhausting. "Drained" is the perfect description. Drained and yet you somehow manage to find the face for the outside world that basically seems to function. It's so lonely when no one else even seems to notice. I can identify with that horrible sense of anticlimax after the due date. I kept counting through my "pregnancy", 25 weeks, 30, 35, 40... and .... the nothingness after 40 weeks really hurts. ((hugs)) xx

Thanks split. You're so right about the face as well. I found myself at work today thinking that nobody there knows how bad I'm feeling right now. They all think I'm getting on ok, that life goes on. Have got a splitting headache and my neck is so tight. Going to try and get an early night I think and relax in bed.

I think I've become quite good at blocking things out and then all of a sudden it all breaks through.

Star i completely understand where you are coming from.

Its so lonely being a bereaved parent... People ask how you are but dont really wanna know the answer as you will never be the same again.

I felt lost after my due date too then found myself getting really upset again at around 6 weeks when Freya should have been smiling for the first time, then 6 mths when she should have been weaning and now all i can think about is her first birthday in a few months.

I think Spilt is right when she says you just plod along until you get a 'better' day then start all over again.

I hope you managed to get an early night and feel a little better today. Sending you a hug today to try and help you get through xx

Thanks badger and I was going to say that I was feeling a bit better but I've just got wind of an imminent pregnancy announcement at work and now feel awful again. They've clearly just had a decent 12-week scan - something we never got and now I'm sitting here trying not to cry.

Also looking like we'll have to put our ttc plans on hold again as I had a dentist appointment today and need a big horrible amalgam filling removed and replacing with a crown. Have wanted the ugly thing out for ages but because of the small risks associated with mercury when you remove the fillings they recommend you don't do it during pregnancy and I'm certainly not taking the risk. Appointment is likely to be right when I would have ov'd (hopefully). Right now it feels like we're so far away from having our family.

Oh Star. It just never ends does it. There always seems to be something new to kick you down just when your starting to come out of the black hole.

You will have your family and you are helping your future babies by getting this dentist work out of the way now so you can give them the best fighting chance.

I know how awful it feels when you have to keep putting back your plans to get pregnant but see this as another month to load up on vitamins and give your next pregnancy a huge helping hand.

As for the new work pregnancy i know how it hits you hard... It still gets me and im pregnant.
Its like a kick in the teeth. I feel completely consumed with grief for the little girl i lost and jealous of the innocence of pregnancy ill never get back every single time someone announces a new baby or pregnancy (and there have been alot round me recently).

xxx

Hello - just popping in to say hi

Sorry to hear you've been feeling down star - its crappy isn't it.
The feeling rubbish just seems to go on forever. And yes, I can completly relate to the 'face' we have to put on.
I remember you mentioned a SANDs meeting you were planning to attend - have you been yet, I couldn't remember when it was?

I've been feeling better this week - broke up today for Easter holidays, 2 weeks off with my boys, which I'm looking forward to.

But I'm feeling a real need to talk to someone impartial and am going to see GP about counselling.

I've suddenly realised recently how much I have changed since October - and not for the good either . I'm much more intolerant of people and situations and get angry very easily - has anyone else found this?

ilove yes yes and yes. I have absolutely no patience for people anymore. I have a friend who is forever in need of pep talks and everything is the worst thing in the world sort of person.
I just can not deal with her anymore and i have to walk away before i tell her to get a grip as she wouldnt know a real problem if it slapped her in the face.

I used to be the person everyone came to with their problems but i cant do it anymore. Obviously if there is a real crisis im always there but i just want to tell people to buck up when they are going on about ridiculous things.

If it helps i am slowly starting to come out of this and back to more of my old self but i dont know if ill ever be 'me' again...

The counselling sounds like a great idea to just be able to say what you want without being judged of feeling like you may upset someone.

Hi to you all. I've been having a little break away from mumsnet and everything baby as I was spending too many hours on here and neglecting lots of other things in my RL. I have needed to get back on track with making an effort with enjoying what I have got and trying to be happy again. I still think of my darling baby every day and know I'll never get over what happened but I must take a deep breath and and live my life as it is. So, just popping in to see that everyone is ok, you are all on my mind often.

So very pleased you have had a happy 20 week scan spilt really great news x Hope your bump is growing nicely x I'll be popping back for updates!

Love to ilove, star, and badger too

Lovely to hear from you littlewish
Glad you are okay - and for what its worth, I think you are very brave for taking that deep breath. x

Enjoy the sunshine everyone