Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

shiningstar I can identify with all you've said about your BIL's baby on the way. I would be beside myself if my sister or SIL got pregnant now (mercifully that's tremendously unlikely due to youngness/life situations). It's irrational yes, but it's also very logical in a warped grief sort of way. Certainly doesn't make you horrible but I know exactly what you mean about not daring to say these things in RL because too many people wouldn't understand and would see it as mean or whatever. Yes I know that bitterness and that actual pain you describe. It's very shocking how physically grief can hurt but it really does. At least we are able to put a big distance between us and the friends with the newborn until we can face them, but family must be harder. I expect you have all the excited comments from PILs too which must be so hard to hear.

Well done for letting people know that this is a bad month for you and making them aware that everything is not over and done with. I think it's very easy for people to move on themselves and forget that you can't and are still very fragile. It also takes so long to process what's happened that by the time you are ready to share it, it's old news to the world

lucky what you say about babies shrinking is very interesting, like ilove I didn't know that. We know that Bobbie had a hb at 17 weeks, and we think she died at 19 weeks when all my symptoms vanished, but she was born measuring only 14.5 weeks. We'd assumed that her growth must have been slowed and then stopped by the infection and the brain damage it can cause, but maybe she also shrunk. I'll wonder about that!

I was tested for thrombophilias but the results came back as negative. I did ask my consultant though whether there was merit in taking aspirin anyway. His opinion was that it definitely wouldn't do any harm and it might have some benefit, so if I wanted to take it then he had no problem with that. I haven't as it happened, I didn't feel comfortable about it in the end (no logic, just a gut feeling). Your blood becomes thicker in pregnancy I understand so if I was going to take aspirin, personally I would take it from my BFP unless advised otherwise.

In the light of what we've been saying, a poem:

WHAT A GRIEVING MOTHER REALLY THINKS.......

Hello, old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please don?t look away
And change the subject, it?s OK.
You see, at first I couldn't feel
It took so long, but now it's real.
I hurt so much inside; you see
I need to talk, come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said 'My, she is so strong.'
They did not know I couldn't feel,
My broken heart made it all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke,
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail, broke from me.
My Child, My Child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see
Everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall,
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child, I see their blank stare.
'But I thought you were over it' their eyes seem to say.
No, No, I can't listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend and say 'Oh I'm OK.'
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so, my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start, you never knowing all the while.
All I've just said to you in my heart.

split the poem says it all...so sad and true.

Thank-you so much lucky for sharing - its very helpful. There are lots of similarities between our situations
Just a quick summary of whats happened wiht me.
You are right I do have two boys aged 4 and 6, so I know I am capable of having a successful pregnancy.
I became pregnant with DS3 last Summer - only to find out there was no HB at 20 weeks. I had had an uneasy feeling that something wasn't right all the way through really - although I had all my usual symptoms. Started having contraction-like pains and went into to be checked where I was told our baby had died . But as I said recently, they think he had died at around 17 weeks. I was also told like you that it was likely to be a one-off and we were just unlucky.
I became pregnant again in January - but like you had no sickness or symptoms, apart from tiredness. Started bleeding at 7ish weeks and was scanned a few days later and uterus was empty.
The general feeling from my GP and consultant is that these losses are not linked. My GP said that they are medically very different and I can understand that, but I know that there are conditions that can cause early and late losses, and my consultant confirmed this (although she stll said she thinks its just bad luck).
So, thats where I am at the moment. Very confused tbh - as I'm sure you are. I can't understand how I can go from having two completly normal pregnancies to having two losses in the space of five months.

Star I can also identify with what you are going through at the moment regarding your BIL's baby.
I've mentioned before that my brother and SIL are expecting twins. We went out for a drink with them and my other brothers on Saturday and I found it really hard, much harder than I had anticipated. She has a lovely bump and my brother kept rubbing it and everytime he did it was like a physical pain. At one point I was planning on going to sit in the ladies for a while just to get away.
Its so hard because I am genuinely excited and happy for them and can't wait to meet my new nieces/nephews but it also hurts like hell.

Spilt - thank-you for sharing that poem, its lovely.

ilove oh my god, very similar. My consultant also thinks my second mc was different to the other two and more likely due to chromasome problems (which tend to happen early) and I do agree with that as the pregnancy never felt real somehow (v.strange just felt like a messed up period). I'm going to see Prof Quenby on Friday in Birmingham to talk about NK cells. She has ran lots of trials over the last couple of years (to be released in June I think). She hasn't any funding at the moment so can't test me or treat me but she has agreed to look at my history and give us her verdict. My consultant said they don't look at this as nothing has been proven but they do refer patiants finally when they have had no luck with anything else (I'm hoping not to get to that point). We're also looking at seeing Mr Shaheta in London but worried about the treamtent I might be prescribed. Its so hard to know what to do and whether to trust the NHS when you've sufferred three like this. If you don't mind me asking how old are you. I'm 32 so according to doctors still very young(which doesn't help cause I just feel like I've got longer to suffer. I'm so negative these days!)

I don't know how you managed to go out with your B and SIL, you were very brave! I've practically cut off everyone I know since all this has happenned. I just can't bear the pain of listening to comments that although aren't meant to be hurtful absolutely kill inside. like in splits poem - aren't you over it by now. Like no I never will be - how would you feel if your child died?

split I think you did the right thing listening to your gut instinct. Are they doing lots of scans this time?

I'm 33.
Are you seeing Prof Quenby and Mr Shaheta privately - do you have to pay?
Sorry for being naive - but I havn't a clue.

I do worry about going on to have another loss - I'm not sure if I would have the strength to try again if I did. But I know I have my boys and I'm so lucky, I know there are lots of ladies out there who continue to have miscarriages and have no children.

Hi ilove, you must have had your children around the same age as I had mine! Quenby wont see people privately you have to be referred from your GP/consultant. Mr Shehata is a private mc specialist, google him his clinic is on the web. There are a few girls on the recurrent buns thread who are under his care, I haven't made an appointment to see him yet, I think I might wait and see what quenby thinks. Its really hard to know what to do next. My consultant told me at the rmc clinic that they see as many people in this position with children as they do who haven't had any, that also surprised me. KWYM about trying again, it is so hard but the alternative is giving up and that is also extremely hard not something I'm ready to do now. What has your consultant advised you to do now?

My consultant hasn't advised anything - we saw her regarding our first loss, it just happened that I'd also had the early loss whilst waiting for our appointment (had to wait almost 5 months!)

She seemed very much of the opinion that it was just bad luck. One of my blood tests was lost (had loads of blood taken in hospital when we discovered that baby had died) so had to go and have that repeated - it was for a type of APS. But she wasn't expecting it to come back abnormal - she said she would send a letter in a few weeks with results.

She did say that I could have extra scans when I get pregnant next - an early one and one at 17ish weeks, and she will put that in writing and pass onto GP.

Its good that you've had all the tests done and it could just be bad luck, I don't think this theory changes much even after three or four when they can't find anything wrong but more scans in pregnancy definately shows a better chance of a successful pregnancy (80% in trials!) so thats also good. Are you going to start trying soon? I know how you must be feeling because I was like you before my last mc and there is no reason why it should happen to you just because it did to me but it doesn't matter what anyone says to you all you can do is try and hope for the best (its scary whatever), which is kind of the same for me really unless I go down the nk cell route. I just wish I could go back five years cause everything seemed to work properly then!

Thanks everyone for your messages - it helps to know I'm not the only one to feel that gut wrenching feeling every time they see or hear about someone happily celebrating a pregnancy. Some days you can't escape it - think I saw at least two celeb stories this morning.

spilt that poem is so true, thank you for sharing.

Hope everybody is having an ok day.

Hi shining I cannot believe how many celebs are pregnant at the moment and even read in a magazine last week that there is a celeb pregnancy boom (so its not just our imagination!) not fair is it.

Shit. I've just been on my March AN thread and seen that one poster gave birth to her stillborn baby girl at 41+6 on Sunday. How unbelievably awful I am gutted for her and horrified at the thought of what the future will now hold for her and how much pain she will have to survive.

Thats awful spilt - my heart truly goes out to her and her family.

Hello everyone - hope you're all okay

I've been struggling recently - just feeling very down, tired and struggling to be enthusiastic about anything.
I saw GP today - she was really lovely. Was very sympathetic and listened to what I was saying.
She sent for a whole host of blood tests - one of them being a thyroid test, which hasn't been tested up till now and as it can cause miscarriage, I want it checked before TTC again.
I feel better - just talking to someone has helped, although it was hard and I was close to tears.

She asked if I wanted to be signed off work but I think I am going to try and keep going - only 3 weeks till Easter hols.

ilove It's rubbish isn't it? Painful, exhausting and relentless. It sounds like you have a decent GP to see which is good, and if it does get too much don't be a hero - take her up on the signing off if you need to. You are more important than your job. Did you think anymore about counselling? I think you can also phone SANDS or the Miscarriage Association for some over the phone counselling if getting a chance to talk some more would help.

Have a gentle weekend x

That is really awful spilt and frankly terrifying too. Found out this week that the same thing happened to the sister of the girl I sit with on the bus - the baby was healthy and at term but her unbilical cord got wrapped around her. Devastating.

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so down iloveblue.
This weekend has been pretty tough for us too. Today should have been my due date. Instead we went to the memorial garden. Feel totally flat, empty and so sad. The house feels too quiet and sad too. Like it should be filled with a screaming baby but isn't. The slightest little thing has been setting me off this weekend. I suppose I expected to feel like this. Feels like it's come around very quickly really.

X

Oh star I'm sorry - I knew your due date was late March but hadn't realised it was already here. Everything you say strikes a chord, it's so hard xx

Oh star - I'm thinking of you xx

I'm working reduced hours for a few weeks - just feeling so rubbish at the moment, and can't seem to get on top of it.

Thanks guys,

Still feeling pretty fragile but it helps knowing I'm not alone. My due date changed a bit, from 20-24th so I think all of this week will feel tough. As well as the sadness I've found I've been very headachy which is unusal for me and I think in a physical manifestation of the emotional pain. Then next week my boss goes on maternity leave which will also be hard (although I've booked the last two days of the week off to avoid the big send off). I'm hoping after that I might start to feel a bit better again and also hope we will be in a position to start again. Had second session of acupuncture today to try and help things along and am trying very hard to look after myself.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low blue. Sounds sensible to be kind to yourself by reducing your hours. Sending you a big hug.

X

How're you all doing?

star have you finished now for the week? How was it in the end with your boss going off on ML?

ilove how are you managing on the reduced hours at the moment? Did you get your thyroid tests back? I've just started on thyroxine after having to make quite a case for it and I feel soooo much better. It's lovely not wading through mental soup from the moment I wake up.

badger are you still around? How are things with you?

And littlewish, leosmummy, laylasmummy thinking of you all xx

Hi spilt
Was just thinking about you today.
I'm still up and down, but mostly up.

All my tests came back clear - including my thyroid. I'm to see how it goes and if I'm still feeling rubbish in a few weeks to go back.
I'm doing half days this week and next week and then have two weeks off for Easter hols, and hopefully will be feeling better then.

AF has been and gone - was very heavy but not painful.

How are you? How many weeks are you now?

Did you see the Lily Allen progamme last night? She talked briefly about the little boy she lost, it was very sad .

I am 19+3 today so right in the scary zone. I'm feeling movements though which is lovely - I never felt Bobbie move, she was too little. The anomaly scan is on Monday next week and I am very nervous about it. We'll be in good hands, they've arranged for the fetal medicine consultant to do the scan so hoping desperately that he will see nothing of concern. I actually feel greedy for wanting both a live and a healthy baby. We're just holding our breath until Monday really and fobbing off anyone who wants to arrange anything with us for the next few weeks/months. I can't plan, I have no idea what life will have thrown at us by then!

Good news (?) that your tests have come back clear. Though sometimes that's frustrating too, as at least if there's a reason then often they could treat it.

Did you get any further with thoughts of counselling? What are you hoping to do about ttc/waiting?

I didn't see Lily Allen, but good on her for raising the profile of late losses. They are so taboo and so many people don't really realise they happen, let alone the impact they have.

It's nearly 6 months since we lost Bobbie now. Mad. I'm sure hardly anyone would think to look at me that I am still crying for my lost baby nearly every day. It's amazing what a brave and cheerful face you can manage to put on for the world. I don't know how to share with people in RL what it's like for me now. I think they'd be surprised it's still so darn hard. Sometimes I just can't be arsed to talk/explain, but I wish people knew without needing to be told. I wish I could just say I'm having a rubbish day without them assuming it's because of a traffic jam or something.

I saw some photos of me from a year ago and thought, man wasn't life different then! Just come off the pill and starting to ttc full of hope and excitement. It makes me smile actually, remembering a bright and happy phase. Everything feels different now, sort of tarnished. I don't have the same optimism or confidence in happy outcomes, and I feel out of step with my peers. But on the other hand, I have something they don't have, and that's a wonderful and much loved baby girl who may be missing, but is always mine and I'm proud to be her mum.

You're doing so well spilt - I'm sure the scan next week will be fine.
The fact that you are feeling the baby moving is a great sign.

I know what you mean about putting on a brave face. We spent the weekend at in-laws, BIL's and SIL's were there too.
I used to love going there to visit but I dread it now and I can't really explain why. But I'm sure it is something to do with the fact that I can't really talk about our losses - its kind of brushed under the carpet.
I just feel sometimes like I'm screaming inside but no-one can see it.

I'm off to Manchester this weekend to see my two best friends and I know I will be able to open up to them and have a good chat.

I am still thinking about counselling - will mention it to GP when I see her next.

Regarding the TTC - we will try again but probably going to leave it for a few months. DH is worried about me and thinks I need some time to recover and he is probably right. But I know that being pregnant again would make me happy and help me recover, if you see what I mean - although I can't comprehend how I would feel if we lost another pregnancy.

Will be thinking of you on Monday - let us know how you get on x

Sending my love to everyone else xx

Hello everyone,

Yes ilove off work until Monday now and have got through all the boss leaving bits. The day of our team goodbye I actually didn't feel too bad. It was all very low key - just tea and cake really. I did find myself wittering on endlessly which is something I tend to do when I'm trying to avoid any silences or thinking time. Anything to keep the conversation going and away from babies. They did ask me beforehand if I was ok with them giving her presents while I was there and I agreed (although really was a bit worried) as it was my boss was again very considerate and really just looked in the bag but didn't go pulling out the babygros, which was a relief.

I have found the whole work thing a bit frustrating, although my boss has been great. I feel that no one really wants to be confronted with the reality of what happened to me. Some of my colleagues are so desparate to avoid upsetting me that nothing is ever mentioned unless I say anything first and then quickly skirted around - which actually isn't really what I want. My bosses leaving card was signed by the whole organisation but kept away from me. I wasn't even asked if I wanted to sign it which I was a bit upset about as I really did want to wish her well. I'm going to send my own card next week. I know people don't mean to offend but honestly. It feels like not asking was as much for their benefit as mine. Someone also used the euphemism "things" (written in quotation marks) in an email when I'd rather they just acknowledged it properly. Again, I know this person didn't mean to offend me and would hate to think they'd upset me.

My mum also talks in euphemisms. Again, because she fears saying the wrong thing. She even referred to what happened as our "mishap" this week, which I know wasn't meant the way it sounds but really is it so hard for people to actually talk about our baby in person rather than as some kind of abstract concept! Think I just needed to vent there!

Good to hear you're all right spilt though I imagine waiting for your scan must be pretty terrifying. Sure all will be well. Will be thinking of you.

Yesterday was my birthday and that was hard, especially first thing. I sat in bed crying because it is so not the birthday I had envisaged this year to be. I had expected to be celebrating as a little family, rather than a couple, or even to be in labour. It is so unfair that we're not. My husband bought me a lovely silver necklace with a pink enamel butterfly on it as butterflies always make me think of Petal.

We're still not quite ready to ttc yet ilove. My cycles are still uppity. The spotting stopped mid Feb but now haven't had a period yet. We've been careful so would be a minor miracle if I was pregnant. I've had two sessions of accupuncture and got next one next week. I've decided if I've had nothing by then I'm going to speak to the doctor again.

I'm also going to the monthly meeting of our local SANDS group next week, which I hope will help. Although does also terrify me hearing all those stories.

Hope everybody else is doing ok. Take care.

X

I'm glad your boss was considerate to you star, it makes such a difference, but a shame that your colleagues didn't offer you to sign the card. It's so hard to get it right though - I had a card thrust at me in Feb to sign to congratulate a colleague on her baby's birth... just 2-3 weeks before Bobbie was due. I hated it, couldn't look at the front. Went a bit sweaty and just scrawled "Congratulations on your new arrival". The word "baby" was a step too far!

Euphemisms though - I am terrible for this and talk in them all the time. I think it's because I find it so hard to say out loud "since we lost our daughter/since our baby died". Also we kept Bobbie's name quite private at the time and not many people know it. Probably at the time it was because I just couldn't say it at all without getting very upset, and now, not many people would know who I was referring to and I feel weird explaining. I guess it's part of the brave face and all... if I talk about her by name I'll be up against the awkward silences as they all wonder what will happen next.
I love it when people do talk about her specifically and directly and use her name, but because I don't often do it and people aren't mind readers, that doesn't happen much.

You're so right star about how unfair it all is. The "celebration" days like birthdays, Christmas etc are really tough as you had all the hopes of how they might be with Petal as part of it and those are crushed all over again with each one. Lovely thoughtful present from your DH.