Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Thank you ilove I completely understand you need to step away. Look after yourself and remember we will still be here for you when you are ready xxx

Understand your need for a little spell from here, it can get a bit all consuming now and again. Enjoy your boys for a little while and good luck again for the future, thankyou for sharing your story, you have helped me feel less alone with it all.

Been thinking of you too spilt. Your little Bobbie's due date tommorrow, so difficult to even think about but that's all you are doing isn't it as the world carries on around you and may seem to have forgotten. I haven't forgotten, and whenever I see the name Bobbie I will think of your little girl.

Sending a big hug to someone who is so lovely and who's kind words have been a huge help to me.
Thinking of you x

Bobbie
The child you had
But never had
And yet will have forever.

we arent ttc yet ilove as im still waiting for AF, will be soon hopefully, look after yourself see you again soon will be thinking of you and you too spilt xxx

littlewish you brought tears to my eyes with those words, thank you, truly very touched. Love that poem - that and the snowdrop one we read at her burial. Just that line sums up the strange and horrible path we tread. They're missing but always with us and that's very bittersweet. I feel a bit like I walk around with an invisible wound.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but in some way I think it might confirm that she definitely isn't coming. All these weeks since she was born I've still been mentally 25, 30, 35 weeks and after tomorrow, nothing. There's still been a weird kind of anticipation, I haven't quite given up on having my spring time baby. That probably sounds bonkers.

I've just been and picked up her's/DH's present, the glass candle holder, and they have done a beautiful job of it. I carefully picked the font with the prettiest "B" for her name. It looks very classy I reckon . Odd too though. I should be buying my newborn nappies and sleepsuits rather than glass memorabilia...

Thank you all so much for all your time and listening and wise words over the last few months. You've all made it just that little bit easier to bear xx

Will be thinking of you and Bobbie too spilt. The glass candle holder sounds lovely - and lovely words from you too littlewish, bought a tear to my eye too.

You're right about the invisible wound. People don't realise that we relive and feel those terrible moments on a daily basis, how the emotional pain burns inside as we put on a brave face to the world. People forget, or maybe just don't realise, that a baby at 20 weeks is very much a baby, just ever so tiny and delicate but very much a baby. It feels so strange and sad that we were the only ones to meet our baby.

I saw a yellow butterfly today outside my window at work and instantly thought of Petal.

littlewish That was beautiful. Im sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks.

spilt You, Your Husband and Bobbie will be in my thoughts tomorrowxxxx

thinking of you your husband and Bobbie today spilt take time for yourself xxx

Evening all,

Thank you for your messages for my due date. We got through the day ok in the end. I spent most of the morning in tears and listening to songs that meant a lot and that I'd played a lot in October/November. I wrote in Bobbie's book about the day and what it felt like and how I missed her. DH came home at lunchtime and we bought her some flowers and took them up to her grave and then came home and lit her new candle for her. The vicar popped round with a card and some flowers to let us know they'd remembered and were thinking of us which was very touching. And then we went out for dinner.

It's got a bit easier since I think, though I find myself peering at random babies and wondering what she'd have looked like. Theoretically I could still be pregnant and very overdue I guess!

How are you all?

ilove I know you probably won't see this for a bit, but I just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow on your due date too and I hope it treats you gently. It's a weird old day. Big hug xx

Thinking of you ilove Hope today has been ok for you, just wanted to say I understand how you must be feeling after being there myself, so many thoughts and what if's. Lots of hugs x

Hi spilt hope you are feeling good and that all is well will little one x

Hope everyone else is ok too x

my first loss was my son remello sept 2000 i feel pregnant within weeks of having my first son was fighting serious illness (blood clots on lung) after 12wk scan i just assumed all would be well the day before my 20wk scan i was in a nursery shop choosing double buggie but something inside stopped me paying the deposit on the selected one the following day at the scan i found he had demised 3wks before i still have no closer because the hospital i was in did not take hand or foot prints (i chose at that time not to but maybe them keeping them for us mums would help) knowing the sex in some ways helped because i knew i was grieving my son but due to gestation i was not allowed to cremate him or bury him (that hospitals policy is after 22wks u r allowed through i heard this differs depending on the hospital) so i found myself lost for a while grieving for remello whilst having no place to go and be with him as i have lost more and more of my babies i have found a quiet spot nr the river where i will let ballons go on when they should have had thier birthdays and i finally feel like i have a spot in which i connect with my babies it is hard but while u never forget and the pain never ceases it does become a accepted part of u there may come a day u dont think of them and thats fine u may think of them all the time thats equally as fine i wish u well and i hope that u get the baby u so desire much love xxx

i was thinking of you yesterday ilove i hope the day passed peacefiully for you, i spent the morning crying then went to the park and fed the ducks then got my spare room ready for decorating, i just hope there wwill be a baby to fill it one day,i hope you will feel strong enough to come and let us know how you are getting on soon xxx

Was thinking of you too ilove. Hope the day passed peacefully.

Hi everyone else, have been away a while but will pop back later to do a longer post.

Hope all is well spilt and badger

X

Hi everyone

Thank-you for thinking of me.
My due-date passed in a blur really - I was working, being a teacher I cant take days off willy nilly and my head had already kindly agreed for me to have today off (more about that later).
But we did sit down in the evening and had a chat about things and lit a candle for our baby. It suprised me how emotional I felt really - I was on the verge of tears all day, but have been like that a lot recently.
We are going to plant a tree but are waiting for the weather to get better first.

But, today, we had our appointment with the consultant. It was rescheduled from next week as she is on call.
We found out that our baby was a boy and that he was perfect - the post mortem found nothing wrong with him at all.
The only thing they did discover was that he had died at about 17 weeks - 3 weeks before we lost him forever.
That does explain a lot - why I had no milk, why I never felt him move, etc. She said they had suspected that from the scan, but noone had told me that at the time - I think it would have helped to have known.
Anyway, all my bloods came back clear. They lost one set - which was testing for a type of APS, so I had to go and have some more blood taken today. But the consultant said she would be very suprised it that too wasn't normal.
I'm not sure what to think really - its frustrating that we don't know what happened, and very sad to know that we lost our little boy, but I'm also relieved that we know all there is to know now.
I feel like I can start to move on.

We also talked about my latest loss and the consultant also agreed with my GP, that it is very unlikely that they are linked and more like just bad luck. She has said that with my next pregnancy (I'm being positive - there will be one) I can have a reassurance scan at about 8 weeks as well as an extra scan at 17 weeks and she is going to inform my GP of that.

I hope you are all okay

Spilt - Glad you are finding things easier since Bobbies due date. How many weeks are you now? Have you had anymore scans?

Laylasmummy - I hope you have a baby to fill it too soon, and I'm glad your due date passed gently for you. Any sign of AF yet?

Littlewish - tahnk-you for your kind words. How are you doing?

Hope you are okay Badger and Star and leosmummy if you're still reading.

And hi 18angels - I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

Argh, spoke too soon. Some easier days and then wham, back in the pits again.

ilove at last you got your appointment. I'm so sorry you lost your little DS3. Does it help to know he was a boy? I don't know how you feel about finding out he was perfect? When I got told that it made me happy and then terribly sad. I felt vindicated in my anger towards the muppets who'd said "it's nature's way of getting rid of the ones with something wrong with them"... as if a baby with problems was somehow less of a loss. To me she was always perfect (and would have been whatever they'd found), but when the docs confirmed that I had a slight moment of "ha, that'll show them!" followed by a realisation of the emptiness of that satisfaction because it didn't bring her back. And then the huge sadness about the tremendous waste of her perfect little body that never got to live a life.

It's good that you will be getting extra scans next time, they are terrifying but so good to know for certain each time and not have such a long limbo time inbetween.

A friend of ours gave birth yesterday and I've had a complete meltdown since. I wish it didn't hit me so painfully, I hope it's not like this for every baby we know that gets born. Honestly it's like being knifed in the chest to hear the news, to picture them in a little happy huddle with their newborn, to so desperately wish we could be doing that with Bobbie now, to want it so much it physically hurts, to fear that it may not happen, to know that if it does I have months more of fear to walk through first. To be so seethingly, poisonously jealous is really ugly and I hate feeling this. I've had such bitter angry thoughts last night and all day about people who just get pregnant when they plan to and have the babies they want with the age gaps they hoped for and don't know the grief of burying a baby.

She was very fortunate to have an under 2 hour labour and a homebirth, and hearing that was like being kicked again. Not just a healthy baby, but born at home which is something I would utterly love but am now too scared to book for this time . I probably don't even need to write my thoughts on this - I'm sure you can all imagine the "but when it happens to me I'll be in labour for 36 hours and have an EMCS!" or the "couldn't she at least have the decency to have a 10 hour labour in hospital?!" all those stupid, horrible thoughts.

Does the birth of these babies overset me because they are live, healthy babies and mine isn't and that's so bloody unfair? Is it because they bring home so vividly what I have lost and bring it all to the front again? Is it because it evokes for me the memories of labour and birth, and I only have one of those to remember? Is it because every "success" story underscores how alone I am with this grief, how un-normal it is to not get a baby out of pregnancy? Because to be honest, no one, NO ONE in my real life has the first fucking clue about what has happened to us. As evidenced by a plethora of comments, nearly all from lovely people who have been very kind, but who clearly just don't have any comprehension of what this is like...

"You just have to put it behind you and move on". Neighbour, 4 days after Bobbie's birth, 6 before her burial
"Are you very down?" MIL 2 weeks later.. No shit, and down doesn't really cover it.
"It never would have occurred to me you'd want to talk about it!" Sister, with look of wonderment 3 weeks after
"I just don't know what to say to her" Grandparent to my mum - so nothing was said at all, and we all know that is a lot worse
"By this point last time it had stopped growing hadn't it?" FIL this week, my daughter is not an "it" and she has a name!!
"January and February are rubbish times to have birthdays" Colleague the week after my due date (which I took the day off for and explained that it was my due date). Funnily enough I would rather have her here with me despite the affliction of a late Feb birthday.
"Hmmm, your loss last year... sorry about that..." Registrar reading my notes, said as if she'd just stood on my toe or something similarly minor.
"You'll be fine this time" Nearly Everyone. Twats. How do they know?? What would they say to us if we lose another baby?
"Ah well, these things happen, now I'm looking for a parcel.." Stupid woman at work on my first day back

etc etc
I feel very alone. None of these were said with malice or anything and I'm not angry with any of these people (apart from Stupid Woman from the last one) but I do think back and realise that none of them remotely gets "it". I don't think any of them want to really think about what it does to you to lose a child. It is a trauma and it affects me every day. I walk round with this tremendous ache and pain. The confusion - am I a mother? Do I have a child? What do I say when someone asks about my family? The weird grief reactions to other people's births/babies. I'm jealous FFS of other people announcing pregnancies, despite my own, because I'm jealous of the "innocent pregnancy" experience, the faith in things being ok. And the anger, good god the anger when I heard this birth announcement yesterday. I wanted to smash something. Maybe it's frustration and a huge sense of injustice, but it felt like rage. My eyes still hurt from the crying.

I miss that tiny little scrap of humanity wrapped in her little yellow blanket, with a tiny white teddy and cards, letters and photos from us, shut in a little white box 3 feet under. I miss her so much. Just at the time I should be craving 10 mins away from her, the irony.

Welcome 18angels what a terrible story you have. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little Remello, and your little girl and all your other much loved tiny babies. There are no words are there?

I'm sorry to only come and do a massive post when I'm having a collapse - not every day is like this. It doesn't actually matter if no one reads it, it helps to put things into words.

ilove I'm 16+5 today and had a scan on Monday showing all ok for now as far as they can see. We're having the 20 week scan done by the Fetal Medicine Consultant as he wants to look for any signs that the toxoplasma damaged this baby near conception - looking for eye problems or brain damage caused by calcified deposits in the brain. I am scared and trying very hard to live in denial. Still keeping pretty quiet about this pregnancy.

Hello Split, I think you were one of the first people that posted to my first ever message after I lost my third baby at 16 weeks. You were very kind and helpful at the time, thank you. I noticed that you were pregnant again which is fantatic but at the same time I can understand how scared you are as I would feel exactly the same next time. My eyes are full of tears after reading your post because I feel for you so much and everything you have said is exactly the way I feel I find it very hard to put into words sometimes because it is just so confusing and painful. The only people that understand are the people who have felt the same pain, I don't think there is anything like it. All my family have made unkind comments over the past year which although I know they don't mean to it hurts so much, I hardly ever speak to any of them at the moment because its just too painful.

You never forget your babies I have 2dc and two that I didn't get to bring home. I love them all the same. People often say that it doesn't matter to me as I've got two lovely girls. I know I am lucky but it doesn't mean I don't love my babies that passed away.

Sorry to crash your thread, I just wanted to comment on your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone and it is so normal to feel angry and jealous (as ugly as it seems). Big hug, thinking of you.x

Oh Spilt - I'm glad the scan went well but I'm very sad that you're feeling so down and alone.

Again, every single thing you said I can also relate to. Its absolutely heart-breaking.

I completly feel what you are saying about feeling 'un-normal'. I've been feeling abnormal a lot recently - and I also feel like a failure.

No-one I know (apart from a friend of my SIL's who I have met twice) has ever lost a baby at any stage (thank goodness). But I find myself yearning more and more to actually meet someone in real-life who has and knows what we're going through.
It sounds awful but I often look round at the other Mums at school pick-up time and wonder if any of them have ever lost a baby, (statistically there must be a fair few), and how I would love to chat to them if they had.

I can't remember if you ever signed up for counselling? It's something I am thinking about.

Don't really know what else to say - just let it all out. Smash and break things if you need to - its often worse to bottle it up.

I do feel better knowing he was a boy - but it also makes it seem more real. I did my very best to keep him at arms length (and I succeeded) by not seeing or holding him, and I will regret that for the rest of my life, despite what my family and friends say. But it was how I felt at the time and I can't go back. I suggested naming him to my DH who dismissed the idea - but I would like to, even if it is just for me. It sounds ridiculous but I miss the little boy he could have been - and I feel terribly guilty. If there was nothing wrong with him then surely there must have been something wrong with me - my body let him down .
I can't get that out of my head at the moment, especially in light of my most recent loss.
I know we've been told they're not linked but there is still that niggle in the back of my mind.

hi ilove i am so sorry you lost your little baby boy and i think you should deffinitely name him even if its just for you, you can tell us what you decide, your baby deserves to have his own name heared, the fact he was perfect makes it hard but i hope it gives you the courage to try again i know what you mean about the niggle re your most recent loss ive got the same niggle but its a case of try again or give up and i just cant give up, thankfully AF came yesterday so i finally can try to work my cycle out and think about trying again i hope your bloods give you some answers,
please dont feel alone spilt you can say anything you like on here,i know its not the same but we are happy to listen and if people dont offer to talk in rl make them talk, give them no choice, they might not realise you are wanting to talk about it, if they are uncomfortable listening that is their problem not yours, ((hugs to all))

Thankyou laylasmummy
I'm not giving up either - we're in a similar situation and will help each other through it I'm sure.
Glad to hear your AF has appeared and you can start thinking about TTC - how long did it take for it to come in the end?
Mine should be due in about 10days - as my loss was early I'm hoping it will arrive more or less on time.
I don't want to get stressed about TTC again though - so we will probably be not trying but not preventing for a while, and letting nature take its course.

lucky lovely to hear from you, I remember your thread in January - you aren't crashing the thread, you are very welcome to stay if you'd like to. How are things with you? Have you had any luck pushing for your test results or are you still waiting? My considered opinion is: people who think babyloss doesn't matter if you've all ready got children are idiots . Of course you're lucky to have your girls, but you are hideously unlucky to have lost your next three babies, especially your late loss.

ilove you are not a failure my lovely, I know you won't believe that at the moment, but let us tell you it anyway. You weren't chain smoking, binge drinking or anything similarly dangerous, you mustn't blame yourself for what has happened. I've had to try very hard not play the blame game myself as I know the toxoplasma infection I had, I picked up, and extra precautions probably could have prevented it. Mercifully I'll never be able to pinpoint the day I caught it or the source of the infection so I can't endlessly re-run one choice and beat myself up, but I know that it probably was just one little choice once that did this...

I reckon the best way to try and unearth people who have lost babies is to be very open about yours and mention him. Often people would respond with "I lost one at x weeks" if they have to show that they understand a bit. I didn't sort any counselling in the end, I saw the hospital's bereavement midwife a couple more times but that was it. There is a counsellor I can see at work but she is a general, not bereavement one. However I might take advantage of this soon. I really feel for you about your regrets on not seeing your baby, wish I could say or suggest something, but there's nothing. It's just so desperately sad. Definitely go ahead and name him if that's what you'd like, and if you want to share it with us we'd love to hear.

layla excellent that your AF is here and you can start to try again.

To you all, thank you for your supportive words and understanding, I really appreciate it.

ilove from my conception group most people found that their miscarriage cycle was about a week longer than normal due to delayed ovulation and that the next cycle was pretty much normal. Hope that's useful to know.

Had a much better day today actually and feeling a lot happier again now the shock of Thursday has worn off a bit and I can put them out of my mind

spilt your posts mirror almost exactly what I was feeling last weekend. DH's brother told him they were expecting again, which was completely out of the blue. I barely slept the night after being told. Just lay awake crying and feeling bitterly jealous ? partly because it was them and not us and partly because they still have the innocent pregnancy experience that we will never ever have and it feels so unfair.

It doesn?t help that the timing is Petal?s due month (20th March) and I was angry about that ? almost taking it as an insult that they?d unwittingly managed to time it that way (unreasonable I know but doesn?t change how it feels). And the other thing which really got to me is that we?d always expected that we would be the next in the family to have a baby and it now feels like Petal?s place is somehow being taken ? something which would have been easier to accept had it been us who were pregnant again.

DH found it hard as well which made me feel a little bit better as to start with I felt that it really was only me who felt this way and that was even more horrible. The bitterness was very overwhelming last week ? a physical pain in the pit of my stomach, a nasty, twisted black ball of anger at how unfair it all seems. It has eased as the week has passed but I do feel very up and down at the moment. And when I think about it again I still feel, like Arghhhh!

My boss goes on maternity leave in a couple of weeks time and the thought of that is tough ? I should have just started mine. I have told her that this month will be tough for me and she has been very understanding. I?ve also told those in my team (by email) that this month would have been my due date so they know not to overly involve me in plans for leaving presents etc. In a way these last couple of weeks I?ve been more determined that people shouldn?t forget Petal ? I?ve quite deliberately made sure people are aware that while they are happily getting on with normal life things are anything but for us. I think we tried hard to sanitise things for friends and family back in November. I was desperate to try and carry on as normal and avoid thinking about things.

ilove I?m so sorry your post mortem results didn?t give you the answers you so badly wanted. I think this is sadly not that uncommon but must be very hard. It must be so hard to be told your baby seemed to be perfect. It was hard enough for us to be told that Petal was perfect except for her heart problems. Try not to blame yourself. I know it?s hard. I?ve found myself wracking my brain to try and come up with anything that might have happened to me early on to cause Petal?s heart to develop as it did but ultimately we?ll never know. I was so very careful and have heard plenty of stories of people being much less conscientious or not even knowing they?re pregnant for the first few months and yet still going on to produce healthy babies despite eating, drinking and doing the wrong things. It?s so frustrating.

I too know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better about not seeing your little boy at the time but you did what you felt was best ? there is no right or wrong. To be honest, we could very easily have made the same decision had things happened to us as quickly as they did for you. It was only because we had a few days breathing space in between finding out she?d gone and being induced that we had a chance to come to terms with what had happened and think things through a bit and seek advice on mumsnet ? I think you and spilt both replied to that first post and helped me with this, for which I will always be grateful. I think if you?d like to name him you should. Initially the name didn?t seem to make too much difference to us but as time goes on it?s been nice to refer to Petal by name, even if it is mainly just between the two of us.

I?ve joined our local SANDS group and have a local befriender who I can phone to talk things through whenever I need to. There is also a local group, which we went to last week. It helped to sit in a room with people who knew how we felt ? some of the stories were even more heartbreaking, especially those who?d lost babies at or very close to full term.

spilt, glad to hear your last scan went ok.

laylasmummy, I?m waiting for first proper AF so I can try to work out cycles. Spotting finally stopped few weeks ago so hoping things are sorting themselves out at last. Got second acupuncture session in a week?s time.

X

Hello Spilt thank you for being so kind, I've been hanging out on the recurrent buns threat, but always look to see how you are getting on, everyone is so kind on mn.

I've had all my tests come back clear which is what we expected, and the results of the postmortum were very similar to ilove actually. We also found out that our baby was a boy (which for some reason was a complete shock, I have two dds) and he was absolutely perfect. He was also alot smaller than he should have been, my last scan was at 13.5 weeks and I found out that he had gone at 15.5 but he only measured 12 weeks. Apparently it is normal for a baby to shrink after death - don't know whether they mentioned this ilove? Its so heartbreaking knowing that our baby was perfect and that my body let me down and our baby die, and to know that they can't find anything wrong makes it so hard to be positive in the future. We also had our first appointment at the rmc in leeds last Monday. They went through my pregnancy history and although they don't know the cause for our babies dying they can rule quiet alot out. She thinks the pattern of our mcs show if anything it could be a blood clotting problem (which don't always show up) so has prescribed Aspirin. She was very positiive that we would have another successful pregnancy. They have an 80% success rate and will do weekly scans in my next pregnancy. At the moment I'm struggling with my cycles. I thought my AF came yesterday but then stopped and has now gone to spotting, this happenned last month and I'm so scared my body wont go back to normal as I didn't ovulate last cycle (this will be my 2nd af after mc).

shining its so painful when people go on in front of you and I know exactly what you mean about your BIL's baby taking Petal's place it just feels so unfair and also that they can just go on like nothing has happenned and have a happy pregnancy showing her bump and moaning about symptoms etc. It makes me so jealous to see people pregnant and to not have the worry that all of us have. I'm constantly trying to figure out who might be pregnant next so I might be ready emotionally if it happens (so stupid isn't it).

Hi lucky
I'm sorry for your losses - you sound like you've had a real bad time of it.

Thats interesting what you say about the baby shrinking - they didn't mention that.
My consultant also said that although we don't know what happened, they have been able to rule out lots of things.
I don't think I've read about your history - at what stage did you lose your other two babies? I hope you don't mind me asking, but you do seem to have had a similar experience to me.
I'm glad they are looking into why this keeps happening to you. How long did it take for you to get an appointment at the rmc?
80% success rate and weekly scans sounds great.

Do you have to start taking the aspirin now or when you get a BFP?
I've read quite a lot about blood clotting problems - I had two tests for this, one came back normal and the other one had to be redone as they lost it. Even if it comes back normal I was going to mention to my GP (when I get pregnant next time) about the possibility of taking low dosage aspirin - it does seem to help lots of ladies.

How old are your DD's?

Thanks luckyfor2. It's only really on things like MN that I can say a lot of what I really feel for fear of it being misconstrued or taken the wrong way in everyday life and people thinking I'm a horrible person! I think what got us with this one was that it was unexpected - like you, we thought we'd worked out who was most likely. I doubt it would have made much difference. I know I'll be upset even when the more expected people fall.

It sounds like you have a good doctor working with you now. Best of luck for the future. Like you, my cycles are still messed up. I'm hoping I may be on a more normal one now but only time will tell.

hello ilove I do'nt mind you asking at all, its the only way us girlies find anyhing out! My first was a mmc in January last year and came as quiet a shock I already have two children (4 and 2 at that time 5 and 3 now) and had the v.easy pregnancy attitude at the time (oh I wish I could be that niaive again!) I found out at the 12 weeks scan that the baby had died at about 9 weeks (though obviously now I know measuring after death isn't very accurate so could have been further on, maybe a week) I had a d&c and was told it happens to lots of people and it wouldn't happen again...you do believe that and I wish they had been right. My second was a natural mc at 8 weeks, I started spotting straight after bfp and never felt very sick or pregnant so kind of already knew what was happening (still gutted obviously). Again I was told lots of people have two mc so try again its just "bad luck" so we did and I got a bfp in September last year, had a 6 week scan and had a strong healthy hb everything was okay I was feeling v.sick (but always do apart from 2nd mc). Had 12 week scan measuring a week further than my dates which is also a v.good sign things are going well (according to consultants) went for downs screening test at 13.5 weeks, everything was perfect, got the best results you can get was told by my consultant that we had a 1% chance of mc, went for a routine midwife appointment and there was no hb. I had all the tests done at hospital the day I delivered my baby and the tests took about 6 to 8 weeks (though my husband was ringing them daily to push this through), we also got the pm back at about 8 weeks because we kept pushing for answers. It does seem that the more you push the quicker things get done which was the same with the rmc appointment, the normal waiting time is 12 weeks but we managed to get in about 6, I don't think I'm more of a priority but they do seem very relaxed if you don't push for answers. Its so frustrating when you have to get to three mc to have tests but I guess lots of people do go on to have babies but I just wasn't one of them.

The aspirin is abit of a nightmare for me to be honest, I started taking it about a month ago after seeing my consultant about the pm, when I finally got my af (first after mc) I continued to spot right through to the middle of my cycle, it didn't seem right and was sure something was wrong then I realised the only thing different was the aspirin, so I spoke to my GP and she told me to come off it, the spotting stopped two days later. This was all before my rmc appointment which was last monday so when I told them they told me to try it again because from my mc history it would seem the most suitable treamtent. So started taking it again last Monday and started af yesterday but not sure if the aspirin is messing it up (its driving me abit mad). I don't think this is very common though as the consultant said she had never seen it before, which I thought was abit strange as my GP has. I would definately mention it to your consultant because if you do go on to have other mcs(god forbid) this is the treamtent they are quiet likely to give you. That said, there have been recent trials suggesting that it makes no difference, I can send you the trial info if you're interested (but I guess its worth a shot). With regard to when to take it my consultant said it doesn't matter sometimes they say from bfp and others say straight away. re. the blood clotting tests, they can also be different when you're pregnant to when you're not which is why mine were repeated as sometimes it will show something when you're body goes back to normal.

I'm not sure if I've helped you or just confused you. I don't know your mc history but I see you've had two boys so I guess they've ruled out the shape of your uterus. Unfortunately they very rarely find the reason for rmc but apparently you have a better chance of having a successful pregnancy if they don't find anything wrong (not sure if I believe that one!)

shining its awful when you're cycle is messed up because it just feels like nothing works doesn't it! At the moment I feel like I'm never ever gonna get pregnant again. I love your baby girls name, I call my girls that sometimes.

Goodness - this is the longest post I've ever done...sorry!